Maternal Instincts?!

Okay, so some of you have probably come across my topic about the situation my fiancee and I are in with recently discovering he has a 1 year old daughter.

Last night we visited her, and the rest of the family. ..
Before I go on, I'm going on to say this has nothing to do with the situation...but just an observation I've noticed about myself. So please do not misunderstand/misinterpret what I say as to relate it to the situation...

Okay--- maybe it's because I'm only [almost] 19... but I honestly think my maternal instincts are non-existent.

I felt weird about the whole thing, NOT because of the situation, but because I was more intrigued by the dog and two cats than the baby and the other 3 year old that was there... I felt awkward because the whole point of us being over there was to visit the baby, and all I wanted to do was play with the animals, and I had no interest what so ever in the baby. I made an effort, and I pretty much failed horribly considering... I just found the baby to be boring.

This whole topic sounds weird and lame, but seriously... why am I so different when it comes to that from most girls? So many girls that I know, the second they see a baby it's "awww let me hold it!"... and with me it's not so. So many girls I know have always, and still want to have children of their own, and me... I'm just sort of blah about that whole scenario.

I was talking to my fiancees mom about it... I was saying how I feel that I was somehow born with no maternal instincts what so ever, and she said that she used to be the same, but when she got pregnant that all changed... she said, "your maternal instincts kick in when you're pregnant, when they NEED to be there...and it all changes when you have a child of your own"... and I'm sure that is true, but I know tons of girls/women my age who don't have children of their own but have maternal instincts up the wazoo. This sort of attraction to children... and with me it's completely opposite.

It's not like I hate children or anything like THAT, but I seriously have no use for caring for one.. After being there, I've pretty much decided that... having children is something that I could never do.

I feel a bit out of place saying this, as I know 99.9% of the women on this forum are either mommies or really into children... but, I can't help how I feel, and children just don't seem to spark an interest to me at all.

I'll probably end up an old crazy cat lady

 

Heya babe

What you fiance's mum said is about right.

I never had any interest in having a child. then i met jaycee and i got a little bit of an incling of maybe wanting children in the future but not untill i was in my 30's. When i got pregnant i suddenly got a meternal kick, and now even though im no longer pregnant and dont have a child i just cant help but love the idea of havign a baby, of feeling it grow inside my belly and being in a situation where i can give it life.

Its completely different with other peoples children, i really dont get much of a kick out of it unless i see something of my vision of having a baby in the situation... like if the mum has the baby in a sling rather than a buggy etc.

 

i suppose that is so...
i still feel a bit awkward compared to most girls my age; most at least have some sort of interest/attraction to children but with me... it's just like "a baby...oh, okay."

well if i ever DO have kids ill tell you right now... that wont be for a LONGGGGGGGG time

 

yea thatas exaclty what i said. well... get on the pill if your not allready and wear condoms just incase cos trust me one wiff of being pregnant it set me off.

 

you sound totally normal to me and all the girls who gooed an gaaed themselves silly at babies always made me wonder what was going on...then one day as your fiance's mum said it just happened and kicked in...now I get it when I look at bubs younger than mine but I do think that given my expeience with their mums around me I am much less sentimal and gooey than what I experience them being and this outlook does not neccesarily go away once you have a kid...maybe you just become accepting of what all these other parents are experienceing and therefore can relate some.

Don't stress about it as you sound like you are doing really well and dealing with loads of stuff really well!!
stephanie

 

Yeah, going on the pill I suppose would be the best option considering I can't do condoms... *I break out in rashes* I'm not allergic technically but I'm highly sensitive.

A little off topic but are there any OTHER forms of birth control than the pill? [and I don't want to hear 'abstinence' because that wouldnt fly with me, lol]

I just hate the idea of taking a pill everyday...I hate putting stuff other than food into my body.

 

by the way...
i also wanted to mention that apparently im the only woman [strange woman] that her baby didn't scream and cry around, or so she said... she basically said it was amazing to her that her baby liked me because normally she hates other women...

that was weird to me considering i had no idea what i was doing lol

 

Hell yea theres loads of things.
I swear you americans dont get the education you need about sex.

Right there are the long term ones the longest and most final (and probably not needed in this case) is the snip. You can have a historectomy basically they cut the falopian tubes.. or peg them so you cant release eggs. But thats incredibly final as theres no going back

Next theres the coil. which is a small copper coil which is inserted inside you, i dont know how long it lasts but its quite a looong time untill you have to take it out. I cant remember exactly how that works.

Theres the femidom which if you get a rash from condoms will probably do the same. You might want to try the anti-allergetic condoms, they are for the more sensitive skined.

As far as hormonal protection goes you have the MANY different types of pill.

Also there is the injection which lasts for 3 months straight HOWEVER the down side to this is once its in there you dont get a choice if you dont like the side effects of it. So it might be best to try which ever specific hormone cocktail it is in the pill form FIRST untill you know you agree with it.

Then i've heard wiff on the wind of something called the patch but i dont know much about that.

The best thing to do is to go to your GP and ask for a consultation about contraception and they will go through ALL the different options you have with you. Trust me if you dont want a baby then get contraception. Im living proof that the pull out method doesnt work.. and i almost created another living proof of it. instead i went through thr trauma of an abortion... and i recomend if you can avoid having to deal with that emotional rollercoaster then do because its horible.

 

i've NEVER felt the desire -not once ever- to have a kid. i also dont think babies are cute (not at all) and when asked if "i want to hold the baby" i always respond with a no im not partial to kids either, I dont DISlike them (unless they seem really whiny and obnoxious)but when i see a woman out with her kids i think to myself "oh thank god thats not me" and i dont ever want that to be me. maybe i am devoid of maternal instincts but thats just fine with me. if there is puppy or even a rat, ill say "aw how cute"....babys.....eh not so much

just because your a woman doesnt mean that if you dont find yourself attracted to the "mommy" thing that there is something wrong with you.....

even when i was a kid myself, i didnt like being around kids my age, i always wanted to hang with the adults and i HATED babydolls......i had LOADS of stuffed animals though.

 

you sound like me to a T.

As a kid, I never really liked playing with all the other little kids, I always rather sit by the adults and try to understand what they were talking about... and ask them tons of questions. lol. And i hated babydolls too...my parents would by them for me, and I'd never touch them. I was into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, My Little Pony and LOTS of stuffed animals as well like you... but I never once remember pretending to be a little mommy like a lot of little girls do. When I would pretend... Im not shitting you... I'd pretend to be some career lady. I'd dress up in something "sophisticated" and "run my own Travel Agency" or something lol...id make my mom schedule trips with me ahh I miss being little...
Little kids are whatever to me, but I wouldn't mind being one myself.

 

i heard of the coil thing... is that legit? do you how safe it is and if it's reliable? thats probably the one thing I would try first if it was reliable and safe enough...

 

I completely understand what you feel. I've never been really into children and often wondered if i my maternal instincs actually existed!!! I've never thought of the possibility of me being a mother, i just cant picture it, though after having 70% of the girls i know pregnant before the age of 20, it made me a bit "worried".... maybe I'm just not the kind of girl whose main aspiration in life is being a mother. I just got a job babysitting a 6 year old girl. she's a little angel, but a bit of a handful sometimes, but i realy enjoy looking after her. it feels nice when she hugs me and tells me i'm her big sister (awwww, she's an only child) it feels nice, like she looks up to me cos i'm older and i protect her. I can say that just now, at the age of almost 22, i'm starting to realise that probably one day i'll be a mother and everything will change in my life.

the other day i saw a friend of a friend who's 17 and is 7 months pregnant, and she looked so beautiful with her belly, so maternal.... i kinda felt a bit funny, like deep down i wish i was pregnant...i dont know, it got a bit too deep now

anyway i think its normal not to be all maternal at your age or at any age...i guess it can be related to the way you have been bought up, my mum had twins after me and i could see first hand how hard life was when they were babies and i got put off by it. who knows, maybe you havent had much contact with babies in your life???

 

LOL~

I did the very same thing.....i played "travel agent" all the time...sat at my desk with my fake "computer" my fake phone and a buch of papers.....haha.

i remember once my cousins came down to visit and my grandmother bought all of us kids gifts just for the hell of it.....my male cousin got a cool remote control car and i got a fucking babydoll in pink clothing....i was pissed. they tried to get us all to pose for pics together with our new toys and in the picture im totally eyeing that remote control car! the doll got thrown away.....and barbies freaked me out.

 

the coil is legit, lol, go for the mirena coil, its a new plastic one, far safer, less side effects, works for 5 years without much effort, you just have to chech the tiny string at the top of your vagina is still there, and thats it, it releases progesterone into your pelvic area, to stop you ovulating, and if you do ovulate, it also stops most sperm getting anywhere near the egg, physically and by making the mucus down there hard for sperm to swim through, it also prevents the lining of the womb getting thick enough for an embryo to implant in, should the other bits fail, its 99% effective, better than condoms apparently, im having one fitted in a few weeks, so i'll post how i get on, lol.

 

heyas i have the mirena and i LOVE it, i barely even menstruate! whooo!
i was the same way though--never liked kids much, never wanted to hold them, etc. then i got pregnant and i was so scared thinking omg what kind of horrible mother am i going to be?? and when i was 8 mos along i heard a baby crying and felt a suddenly strong urge to comfort the baby when ALWAYS before when i heard a baby cry i had only wanted to strangle it...lol...the instincts did kick in and i was a fine mommy...but i also think it's better than ok for you not to be a mom, if that's what you want. it's not something everyone needs to do.

 

I've known plenty of women who don't want children. There's nothing wrong with that. First of all, you're only 18, so there is absolutely no reason for you to make that decision right now. I wouldn't want to wait till I'm 45 to have a kid, but I see no reason to have one before I'm 30 -- especially since I want to finish my education (grad school) before I'll even consider it. However, this is something you should discuss with your fiancee -- make sure he is on the same page as you are about this. Even if he never was interested in kids before, spending time with this kid he didn't know he had may spark that desire in him... Talk with him to make sure he knows and is ok with the fact that you at least want to wait, but may never want children.

I think you're just thinking of having your tubes tied... There's no need (at least not that I've heard of) to have a full on hysterectomy, where they surgically remove reproductive organs.

Of course, if you're looking for a permanent solution, the better option would be to have him get a vasectomy -- it's less invasive and, should you change your mind in 10 years, it's easier to reverse.

The only variety of that type that I know of are polyurethane condoms. They feel different than latex condoms, but for those of us who are sensitive to latex, they're great. If you're fine with ordering condoms online, do a search for "polyurethane condom" and you'll get tons of results. If you prefer not to go that route, Trojan now sells a variety called Supra, which I've found in all of the Walmarts in my area. It has a spermicidal lubricant, which also irritates me, but I just smear enuf plain lube on to wipe away the spermicide.

 

Apples you sound just like me. Do you have any younger siblings? Because I have observed that females with siblings younger than them tend to be more into babies. I'm the youngest in my family; perhaps it relates to that.

 

That is really sad. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to force yourself to have feelings that you obviously don''t have. It is just who you are. Not all womyn are brood hen. Nothing wrong with that at all. (Unless of course, they force themselves to have children they never wanted. Then it is sad for everyone.)


I work with post partum womyn all the time. Although there are some cases where some had "no" maternal instinct and immedialtely fell in love with their babies, when they evetually had one. I have found that MOST womyn who don't care for babies, don't care for babies even after they have their own. And that isn't fair to the child at all. Forgive me for saying this, but in a world of over 6 billion people, and the overcrowding we already have, WHY even think about having your own children if you don't want it more than anything in the world?

For every story of a mother who "fell in love" with her baby, despite having no feelings for babies before that, there are 100 stories of mother NOT "falling in love" with their babies, really not wanting to care for them, putting them on substandard food (ie NOT human milk) because they can't see the point, dumping them into day care, even when they don't absolutely have to (I understand some mamas have no choice. Because of financial situaition and I understant that. But there are mothers who do this for no reason than to get away from their babies.)

DON'T ASSUME that some magic will happen the first time your own baby is put into your arms. It probably won't. My guess, if you don't have maternal instinct by your age, you probably don't have it. At your age, I was bemoaing the fact that I couldn't have babies until after college, I wanted them so badly. Life can be quite full without children. Having children should be done ONLY if you just can't live without a child.

And playing with dolls has NOTHING to do with whether you will have maternal instinct or not.

Forgive me for being blunt. But I have personally seen planty of damage done to children whose mothers reallly resent their presence, and really wish they didn't have to be burdened with the children they chose to bring into the world, despite their better judgment. Despite what some people say, MOST womyn who don't care for children and babies don't enjoy being a mother, and do everything they can to get as much time away from their children if they DO have them.

It's worse than people who hate dogs and think "Well, I'll get one, and maybe I'll end up liking it." They most likely don't. Only a baby is much more precious and damagable than a dog. And most people would be appauled at someone who really has "no interest" in dogs or cats getting one "just to see" if they will magically "fall in love" with it. Why are people not the same way when someone says they don't care for children?

If you don't like babies. Don't have them. I can't put it any plainer.

I'm sorry, but I can't remain silent on something which may end up really harming the life of a child.

A Tubal Ligation is NOT a Hysterectomy!!!! A hysterectomy is done for medical reasons, not birth contol. It is the REMOVAL of the uterus, and often the ovaries as well (if this is done, you immediately go into menopause.) This is NEVER done for Birth Control reasons. Only for illnesses of the uterus.

The birth control method you are talking about is a TUBAL LIGATION, it is ONLY the method where the fallopian tubes leading from your ovaries to your uterus, are cut, cauterized and then folded over and clamped. The uterus and ovaries are NOT touched by this procedure, you continue to menstruate, and ovulate, but the egg cannot get through the now cut and scarred tube.

My suggestion is to go to Planned Parenthood, and have the entire inventory of birth control explained to you. Most places will, unfortunately NOT give a young, childless womyn a Tubal, although, in some cases, it may be what is best. You may be able to find a doctor to do it, if you really want permanent birth control. Otherwise, perhaps an IUD would be more suitable.

 

JFTR. I was one who wanted babies more than anything in the world, since I was about 3 years old. I gave up Medical School to have babies. As a child. I was always the one holding the babies at family gatherings, even when they weren't much smaller than me. However, I don't remember being all Gaga about baby dolls. I prefered the real thing. I cry when I see births on TV, always have. I NEEDED babies, and my Instinct is there. Nothing is more lovely to me than the smell of a newborn infant. Maternal Instinct DOES exist, but it doesn't exist in everyone.

If you don't have it, it isn't the end of the world.....unless you force yourself to try to have it. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to have children. I think it is a very mature admirable choice for those who really don't want children. Life can be very full without children and there is nothing "wrong" with you if you decide to never have children. If you wanted them, you would most likely be foaming at the mouth around infants at 18.

 

id like to have kids, but i hear the little bastards screaming and whining in the shopping isles i think im never having kids. i suffer from polycystic ovarian syndrome pretty badly and ive been told im 99% sure i wont be able to conceive naturally. i hold a kid and it cries. i dont know what to do with little kids. and im with ya girl, id rather play with the dog!!