Maternal Instincts?!

Then don't have kids. WHY bother, if you don't care for children. I hear children in the grocery store, crying or not, and I want to hold them. If you'd rather play with the dog, then get a dog, and forget being a parent. There are enough children not well taken care of, that one who feels they really don't like children don't need to add to it. What is the POINT of having children if you don't LOVE them?

IMO, also refering to children (who have identities and genders) as "it" is one of my pet peeves. ALL children have identities and you deny them that by refering to them as if they were inanimate objects. My advice, don't have children. There is no need for you to do so.

 

When I was a lil girl, I was so sure about becomming a mother and have many many kids. This totally changed during puberty. I was scared of getting pregnant, but I never disliked kids. It was just sort of a "time out" of wanting to be a mama. I guess this all for a good reason: I was getting fertile, but couldn't care for a kid. I was really paranoid and cared a lot for contraception. I consider that good strategy: I was totally aware of what could happen, so I managed everything to avoid it.
The day I had Highschool diploma in my hands, short before my 20th birthday, these feelings, of wanting to become a mother came back. And they grow stronger. Of course they are sometimes less then at other times. But at times where they are strong, I am basically preparing the food I am cooking, not for me, but for my children, that are not there yet. They are with me when I go shopping, when i am working, wherever I go. I bet there really is someone calling me to give birth to them

But I think it is totally ok, to not have these maternal feelings. It's not for everyone, and I am so glad, that women today have the choice.

 

I've always figured I want children, think babies are cute, like hanging out with kids, spend time on the parenting board, blah blah.

Before I accepted that I would be a mother without question, but then that was playing pretend, with dolls, and I could give real babies back (no one expected me to witness/partake in the less desirable aspects, I'm grossed out by that, but the my rabbit's do icky stuff too and I can deal now. I probably will just get in the swing of diapers too).

Where as now, the thought of actually having a child constantly around, right now, hmm can't explain. Something akin to panic. It's not so much that I don't want them, it's more whether it would be a good idea.

So while I totally agree with Maggie, it makes me feel terribly inadequate for not having that drive. I'm terrified that will mean I'm a bad mother in the making. Would rather never have children than risk destroying all our lives, have that much sense.

Putting my hand on my heart, well maybe I don't want it bad enough.
When asked about ambitions my knee jerk reaction is 'to be a writer', ie have a career (can obviously combine the two, but still).
Which is fairly sensible considering I'm 20 and two years into a media writing degree. So yes obviously having a child now would be a pretty crap idea.

Perhaps that explains my apparent lack of maternal insinct, a sense 'self preservation' to keep me from doing anything silly until the optimum time. My friend is definetly not into kids at all, so she probably will be childless. I'm still undecided, shall try not to beat myself up over it, and just wait and see.

 

i have no maternal instinc either. Whenever i'm at my friend's house, and her neices come over, they're always cooing at them, and I'm just sitting there being mildly annoyed. And then usually someone will then ask me how many children I want, and I always say none. And they can conceive why someone would not want children.
it kind of reminds me of "Gone with the Wind," how Scarlett can't stand her children, but Melanie wants nothing more in the world to have children.

 

nope no younger siblings...my only sibling is my brother whom is 10 years older than I am..

I never babysat ...or anything--never felt the need or urge to either.

 

Sage, that panic you feel is normal. I've gotten it every time I have been pregnant. I think it shows that you don't have unrealistic expectations of parenthood! Yes, kids are a lot of work, and can be very scary and just like any job, any person will be a bit afraid of starting out. Also, you have the physical, psychic and emotional well being of an other human being in your hands, it is wise to be a bit apprehensive. BTW, I do think you and Kastenfrosch will both make excellent mamas. You both seem to absorb a lot on the Parent's Board, and to innately understand children and LIKE them as well.

That being said, I don't think there is anything wrong with NOT wanting kids. I have a few freinds who are childless by choice, and I think it was a wise, courageous choice for them (as most around them are saying "Once you do it, you'll love it!" and they themselves are saying, "I don't think so!" They followed their hearts, they travel (one of my best friends is childless by choice, she really does like kids, but doesn't want the responsibility, a husband is enough for her, she says) she travels, takes off for a week at a minute's notice, stays out as late as she wants, doesn't have to "check in" (unless she is babysitting a freind's child) and loves her childless life. I think people who KNOW they don't want kids and are OK with that are healthy and normal!!!

Quite responsible on your part. You know what you need at the moment. Even though I always wanted babies, I DID want to finish college (and actually Med School) before I had them. I was terrified of becoming pregnant before I finished school. Well, I didn't go to Med School, but finished college before I had kids. There is nothing wrong with getting your life in order before you have babies. For many, this is what works best for them. For others just jumping in works, they tend to have thier babies early and that is fine, too. Whatever works for your lifestyle. Just because you want to wait a while before having babies doesn't mean you don't want them. Listen to your heart.

 

Maggie Sugar, I agree with you---honestly I was just wondering if I was the only one who felt this way. Pretty much every girl I know around here is all about babies or for the most part at least cooing at them...

And, whomever it was that described the coil [sorry I'm forgetful and too lazy to go back and look lol] you've convinced me... I'm going to talk to my gyno about that for sure.

I want everything most people have in their lives except children... I want to be married, have a place, have pets, a career...but the children aspect seems unfitting for me.

More so than just what Maggie Sugar has already said; i really believe it would be in ANY child's best interest to not be taken care of via Moi. I find it extremely hard to censor myself/tame myself--- the child would definitely end up having some sort of swear be its first ever spoken word or something..

 

sorry for the its thing...force of habit

 

A healthy and courageous life plan. Nothing wrong with it. When people give you the "once you hold your first baby, you will LOVE it." Just say, "I don't think so, please let me decide about an important thing like having children, OK?"

Good luck. I think it is very mature of you to be aware of what you will be happy with. You can have a good marriage ect without children, (just so you hubby to doesn't want them and it causes problems....)

I have a cousin (actually my cousin's wife) who never wanted kids, and had them anyway, bowing to pressure from the grandparents ect. The kids are rarely with her, the few times I have seen them have either been on Christmas (where it is really bad looking to have hired a baby sitter) or they are with their grandma or aunts) I saw her and my cousin and the kids at a family function (a funeral) and said, "Oh, it is so nice to see the kids." Her response was odd, "Yeah <scoffing> my sister insisted on coming here, so I had to bring the kids." And then when we left the church the kids were already gone. The sister had taken them. She really spends more time working than she needs to (my cousin owns restaurants and makes a butt load of money) and she really dosen't seem to enjoy the kids and all and I get the idea that she feels trapped. It is sad, she isn't happy at all. This could have been avoided if she hadn't bowed to the pressure and decided NO KIDS. Sad.

Good luck. You will do well.

 

Thank you Maggie Sugar ---
And thanks to everyone on here who understands and supports how I feel regarding this.

A lot of times it DOES feel a bit pressuring --my parents, other friends, etc. feel that the biggest goal in life is to have kids, and when I sort of shrug at the idea of it all everyone seems to go on some sort of lecture on how it is "the meaning of life" etc.

I, personally feel and have always felt that I never needed or will need a child to make my life complete... but a lot of people don't see it that way. Or they don't understand how I could possibly feel this way.

Fortunately my boyfriend doesn't want children with me either. *laughs* he's one of those people who need attention 24/7 and therefore feels that he'd rather me pamper him all the time instead of a child. [and I don't mind it at all ]

 

Thanks Maggie

Yup shall do the whole free and single thing for a while, then settle down. Should work out just fine.

 

I cant wait to have babies, just sucks that I have to wait so long to have some. Maybe having some women not wanting babies is natures way of controlling the population.

 

Probably. Or just a difference in personality. As I have said, people should only have them if they just can't live without the little darlins.

 

Well, the population aspect of it --dont worry about that with me. I've already decided, decided this when I was little in fact, that if I EVER wanted a child in the future that I would adopt.

I think people who adopt are amazing--giving someone without a home--a home. Not only that, but if at all left up to me, if I adopted that is... I would adopt an older child. It's not children altogether that are indifferent to me, just small children and babies.

I suppose I dont like the idea of being depended on COMPLETELY, because I'm sort of a flighty person-- I forget things, and I'm a bit selfish when it comes to having time of my own. Older children can REMIND you when they need something and actually tell you--- They become more independent and you don't have to have them with you 24/7---

That's why I like cats I suppose---they are independent. I feed my cat, give him clean litter, and when I wish to pet him and when he LETS me [lol] it's done. My dog on the other hand, likes attention 24/7 and if for even a second...if youre at home and you're not petting her and giving her all of your time she's upset. And that's one thing that irritates me about dogs more so than cats

I was always very independent, so I guess I hate having things depend on me as well. My mom always said she had it real easy with me because I didn't mind being alone [all except for at night because I used to be afraid of the dark and had a strange paranoia of robbers and house fires....] --she said I never minded just hanging out in my room alone even when i was really small. One issue she had with me though, is because I was so independent I liked to tell off people by the age of 2...

lmao. We can talk about that later.

 

are you due for your period? i didnt ask for YOUR advice i was giving an opinion of mine. the only reason i pretend to hate kids is because i cannot have children. if i got pregnant i would never disown him/her. do you go crazy with all the love you give?

 

i think she was referring to me...
you know---the topic starter, but-- whatever

either way-- you need to simmer down, she wasnt being a bitch about it at all!

 

HUH? I was trying to be supportive of Apple&Oranges decision. And let her know some reasons why it is A-OK to not have kids if you don't want them. I'm sorry you were you can't have kids. How the hell was I supposed to know? Thing is, most young girls who are told "You can't have kids." due to poly cystic ovaries actually CAN have children. I have lactation clients ALL the time who have PCOS and have babies. And yes, I "go crazy with all the love I give....."

That just doesn't make any sense. Chances are, you can have them. If you don't have them yet NEVER beleive anyone who tells you you can't. I was told I probably couldn't, and I have FOUR kids.....and I was told I definately couldn't before my last one was born, (I had had several surgeries on my uterus and ovaries for endo and terrible scar tissue that was supposed to be blocking my tubes) and they wanted to take out my uterus, and I just flat out said "No fucking way, I think I may have an other one." And I did.

Due for my period?

 

I dont know what PCOS is really--- however, I know a lot about endomitriosis [because the Dr. is thinking I might have it--Im just too chicken shit to get the tests and what not...] and even with endo they say that there is a good chance you wont be able to have children and that must be a slim to none chance because I know 2 women who had endo--and ended up having 3 or more children. The Dr. was telling them that they probably wouldn't ever have kids, and they did--obviously. So, I agree with you-- I wouldn't ever let something like that get to me, and remind me that I cant have children [if I wanted to] because I have seen/heard about so many miracles.

Greenfairy if you REALLY want children, there are alternate ways---you do know that right? The two I know/heard about are the implanting in YOUR belly, and the other one is if you can't possibly carry a child for whatever reason is to have another, volunteering woman who will. Many women with problems with having kids do that-- it may sound undesirable to women for whatever reason [I dont know, because I never really think about having children... lol] but, if those ARE your only options and you REALLY want a child than dont single them out....

Otherwise you could always adopt. Think about how much of a difference you would make in one child's life if you had adopted.... That's the one scenario of caring for a child that even makes ME feel mushy inside. :&

 

and I want to thank you again Maggie Sugar.... I didn't think you were being rude about it at all--- your advice and opinion really helped me feel better about what I feel, and you made perfect sense to me Thanks

 

Thank you. YOU understood what I was doing.

Blessing to you.

Endometriosis is where the lining of the uterus grows unchecked. It causes bleeding, often severe pain and can scar the uterus and the fallopian tubes. I've had 4 kids and been pregnant about 6 times while having it (had two miscarraiges.)

PCOS is where the the ovaries don't ovulate properly, and cysts form on the ovaries. This can be painful or not. It can cause infertility, as it can cause a lack of ovulation, or prevent the eggs from getting through. However, with both of these problems, I know MANY womyn who were told they would never have children and they did. Often without even trying (like me Medicine is more an art than a science, and not enough is know about the way the body works to give anyone a "for sure" answer. NO ONE can predict fertility. Unless you have NO ovaries and uterus, there is alway a chance you can get pregnant. And the huge amounts of womyn who I have worked with (and others have) who have PCOS or endo and have had children attest to this.

NO doctor can ever tell you for SURE that you cannot have children. But we are getting off topic here.