Confusion

Although this probably fits more under love and sex, I think I'd rather post it here because I would like other women's opinions and thoughts please ...

So the scenario is my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half--- and everything has been sort of a rollercoaster ride. A lot of things that we used to continually argue about are done, solved and over with which is good--- but as of recently I have this sort of numb, dry feeling towards the relationship and I'm not sure where it's stemming from... I'm not sure whether I'm still happy with him, or if it's just a phase.

Obviously that's not quite enough background to draw opinions from... so I suppose I'll get a little more detailed...and hope that my boyfriend doesn't come across this somehow

For all of you who have read my thread about the situation with his daughter, I suppose that is one thing that is putting a huge weight on my shoulders. The daughter's mother goes back and forth with ideas of how it's going to be... if she wants my guy to sign off his rights, or "no wait...maybe not". I'm one of those sorts of people who like to be prepared for the future, and I want to have an idea of what is in store for me, and well our relationship.

Along with that, there are some things that have been nagging annoyances since the beginning, that I'm not quite sure will ever go away, unless of course I see some dramatic improvements on his part.

The specific things that are nagging at me is the fact that he's almost always in trouble... and yes, I realize it's his life, but worrying about him 24/7 stresses me out more than it should, IMO. He's on probation at the moment for something that happened before we started dating, which I'd really rather not get into because it's confusing situation that I don't even really know all the detail about... He is supposed to get off probation early this September, given that he pays his probation dues. So am I being naive to think that when that does happen that I will feel better about things... ?

Secondly, he's very irresponsible --which is something that really frustrates me. He works for my dad's building restoration company and misses work frequently... at LEAST once a week if not more, and as a result I always end up paying for his things: cigarettes, food, beverage, and the last one was my favorite, his car insurance. I don't mind helping him out, but I hate that he seems to take advantage of it... it's almost as if he has this attitude that he can miss all the work he wishes to and that I'll pay for every penny he doesn't end up making. On top of that since he works for my dad I get to hear about how angry my dad is with him for not showing up and constantly threatening to fire him, etc. And, I'm always covering for his ass.

He lost his license and has an occupational, which gets really hard to work around and he often drives out of his hours. I always do everything I can to plan it so that he doesn't HAVE to drive out of his hours, but he has this "fuck it" attitude and does it anyway...

I'm not just coming out, on here to complain...trust me, I have talked to him about all these things COUNTLESS times, but it's almost as if he truly doesn't understand where I'm coming from. I do everything I can to let it go, and brush it off so that it doesn't put a toll on us, and ignite arguments, but it is getting to the point where I feel more stressed about our relationship than I do comfortable.

The confusion that I'm facing is... most of everything I explained is for the most part, temporary-- so when it clears up, is it possible I will feel almost 100% better? Or is he just too immature for me to handle?

I HATE feeling this way, towards him and our relationship. He means a lot to me, but am I kidding myself believing that things will get better? Or should I just tough it out and face these things and hope for the best?

 

As much as I hate to tell anyone how to run their relationship, from what you wrote, it doesn't seem like this guy is any good for you. If you're just waiting around for him to change....well let's just say that he might not. Are you going to be okay with that? I've realized that you can't change a person (unless they want to change) which is evident in your situation because you said that you've had talks about his behavior and he still takes advantage of you. Maybe you're inner self is trying to protect you and that is why you're having these numb and disinterested feelings toward him....maybe it's a sign to move on.....But I am only going off of what you wrote so Nobody can tell you what you need to do...you have to figure that out for yourself.

 

you can't change a man. what you've got now is most likely what you'll end up with down the line. i personally wouldn't put more time and effort into this boy you're with. perhaps he'll change for himself down the line, but as long as you're his personal crutch, i doubt it. you'll be propping him up for the rest of your relationship. you're too young for that. hell, i think just about everyone is too young for that.

 

thank you to both of you...

See, I guess these things never bothered me too much at the BEGINNING because I hadn't expected so much to come out of our relationship. I was always pretty breezy and hadn't stayed in relationships for more than a few months. Once I realized that he wanted to be with me..forever, and well I felt the same [still not sure if I still feel that way...] it started to scare me that I might have to deal with some of these things for the rest of my life..

In the beginning when the relationship wasn't serious, I didn't really care... but what scares me is possibly living with that for the rest of my life...

Does that make sense?

I fell in love, but realized...that it MAY not be practical no matter how much I care for him.

 

i was in a very similar situation. he was my best friend in the world, but eventually i came to realize that i was becoming his mother. i wanted children of my own, i wanted to move on to more important things, and he just wasn't going to do it. after i left him, he finally had t stand on his own two feet and make some changes. he was doing very well last i heard, and did a lot of growing up. he was not going to be able to do that as long as i was around. something about our relationship made that not possible. like the cliche says, sometimes you just have to let go in order to love someone.

 

I suppose.

It's so hard... you know? It's hard to care for someone so entirely, and to feel so bad about the way things are with that person.. I feel bad ..almost guilty about feeling this way.

I decided I'm going to just let it out, and tell him everything all at once how I feel [tonight] and observe how he takes it...

To me the way someone reacts to a confrontation is what will guide me to my solution.

Like I said I've talked to him about it before, and it's gotten to the point where I feel as if he doesn't care...and I guess that's what is bothering me most. It's more or less that I don't expect him to change as much as I expect him to at least CARE about how I feel and I feel like he doesn't.

If we can at least eliminate the problem that directly effects me [having to pay for everything and him expecting me to] I'd say I would be a lot happier. I'm not upset with who he is, but I want to know that he cares about working things out with ME. I know that sounds entirely selfish, but it's not supposed to... I have no problem with letting him be himself as long as he doesn't expect me to baby him for his mistakes.

I feel sort of like he wishes I was Super Woman.

 

well, he most likely does.

 

read your post again and ask yourself: what would i say to a girl in this situation?
would you stick around, even if you know there isnt much you can do about the situation because its not up to you...its up to your boyrfriend, and clearly he's really inmature

one thing i have learned, you cant change people. if they want to change they'll do it themselves, but a radical change is very unlikely in this case, seeing as he's rather used to having YOU taking care of things...but tell me, do you ant to be in a realtionship where you have to work EXTRA time to keep it going, feeling like you're the one putting up with his behaviour, trying to make excuses as to why he doesnt go to work.... i presume this guy is an adult, but he isnt acting like one.

I cant tell you what to do, but if i were in your situation (i was in a similar situation when i was about 18, not exactly the same) i would definitely ditch the guy (which i did) he's not reciprocating or recognising his faults, for him everything is ok as long as you're there to clean up after he's done, so why bother? would you put up with someone like this for the rest of your life? is it really worth it?

if you love yourself and want the best there is for you, you'll make the right decision. this bit of the story is entirely up to you.

 

thanks zeppelina.
I'm pretty sure things aren't going to work out...

Today, he forgot about me :-(

He was supposed to meet me at my house at 4, and I called him a little early to make sure he still planned on coming over... he took off of work today, but yet he went off with his friends and forgot all about me ...no call or anything. [I called his house and his sister talked to me] So I tried calling his cell phone to see what was up but it's either turned off or the battery is dead.

To me, it hurts more than anything to be forgotten about... and I can't see myself staying with him much longer if he cares so little to completely forget about me

*sigh* I'm in so much exhaustion over this, it's not healthy. I feel so low, and dead, and I'm pretty certain I can't do anymore of it...

 

No wonder you're feeling numb towards the relationship--you're not getting anything from it! I know I don't know you very well, but from your posts I've gathered that you are a very sweet and mature person, deserving MUCH more out of a relationship. It sounds like he has very little respect or apprecation of you, two of the most important things in a relationship. It also sounds like he really just needs some time to himself to get his life in order, so if you were to break up then it might actually work out well for both of you. Getting dumped may help spur a wake-up call for him. It would, at the very least, force him to be more responsible with his job so he'll have enough money to support himself. Breaking up is painful, but what is the point of staying with someone if it causes you to be in pain every day?

 

If you have tried to explain the situation to him, and he still doesn't seem to get the idea, I would try to have him take a skip around the block in you're shoes. See how he reacts, and also ask him what he wants in the long term. If there are definite signs of him screwing this up, tell him. If he has something realistic to strive for, he might put forth a bit more effort.
Best of luck

 

i think all those annoyances and difficulties are always insignificant in the beginning to be honest. particularly because we never rally know where we are going with things.


i think we all have to face those annoyances eventually...all those little things that wouldn't bother us had it been the early stages.



it's not fair causing you all that stress. though you know it is a part of his lifestyle and so on and so forth. it doesn't make it any easier.


i hope it all goes well for you. i really do. there is nothing more painful then not knowing.

 

You make a whole lot of sense, all of you do-- and I feel the same way. I just have such a hard time coming to terms with the idea of breaking up with him.. this is the longest relationship I've had, and it seems more difficult to let go of because of that.
My mind keeps racing with all these things we've shared and times we've shared [the good times of course] and it makes me so apprehensive to go through with what my heart is telling me is best.

On top of that I'm under a lot of pressure from his parents... they like me, and are constantly saying that they strongly urge us to stay together, etc. because they seem to think I'm "good for him" ...I sort of hate that phrase. And as much as I hate that phrase, them constantly saying that to me puts a lot of pressure on my shoulders to try and tough it out and stay with him. I honestly love his parents, and I don't want them to be angry with me either.

I've tried to take "breaks" with him... and everytime I see his face, and his either anger or hurt, I back down. I hate making ANYONE angry or upset... that's my biggest barrier in this situation.

 

well, it's not your job to be good for him. it's your job to be good for you. and when you find your mate, to be good for each other. my ex's mom just LOVED that i was babysitting her son, but finally i realized that it was HER job to be the mother, i want children of my own. they're looking out for their own interests, and justifiably, i sure, the happiness of their son. you're well being naturally comes after that.

 

exactly~
my mother married a man at 18 (my dad) who she "helped" out....alot (in a mothering sort of way). well now they are 48 yrs old and she's still doing it. hes the same exact way he was at 18 (actually a little worse with age) and she thought he'd "mature" and "figure things out" when she married him......hmm!

it sounds as if he is taking advantage of you and you shouldnt allow him to do that.

 

yep, that's exactly what I gathered from his parents' theory of me "being good for him"

I don't even want children of my own, much less a 19 year old child who is supposed to be my boyfriend instead...

 

no doubt. i STILL get kinda resentful about all that.

 

apples your beautiful and don't forget that. But your beauty doesn't shine as bright as it can or should be because your not allowing it too. Once you shine someone will shine upon you-

 

fantastic advice in this thread. i realize that you wanted the ladies opinions, but I'm going to chime in anyway...

I agree with most what's been said already, it doesn't sound very promising. However, I also know exactly how hard it is to let go and move on. The rest of my post only applies if you find yourself wanting to give it another go. Basically, set some boundaries up to protect yourself... mainly with enabling his behavior. People can change, but not unless you change too. You have to stop reinforcing the bad stuff, and hope they own up to their own responsibilities. If they don't, that's when you know that it's definitely over. Explaining what's bothering you is one thing, but you also must back it up with telling him, for example, that if he misses work you aren't buying cigarettes, or insurance, or covering for him to your dad.

Here's a good article (actually a really good site about relationships) on setting boundaries. It's simple stuff most everyone knows, but sometimes forget

http://www.cathrynbonddoyle.com/articles/articleview.php?i=22

edit: this article (on the same site) is really, really good too... seems to capture the dynamic of what you're going through, imo...

http://www.cathrynbonddoyle.com/articles/articleview.php?i=26

 

Apples, I know how you feel... my situation is the same, the circumstances are different, but the general sentiment is the same.

I guess I dont have any advice to offer, I meanI cant even help myself, how can I hope to offer you anything worthwhile.

So I just wanted to say, youre not alone honey.

Actually here is my dvice, given to me by my nanna

Always start off how you intend to finish.