Hi guy and girls, I am a 27yr old guy, currently in a relationship with a beautiful girlfriend who I love very much. She is pushing hard to get married. And having kids (a daughter) has always been one of my life's ambitions. I've always thought that I might be gay, these feelings started when I was about 20 or so (as far as I can remember). Recently I've found it impossible to ignore the fact that I am attracted to men. Over the past couple of years these thoughts have been recurring, first thing I think of when I wake up ... last thing on my mind at night. Needless to say this has been effecting my work and social life. I feel (rightly or wrongly) that many of my friends think that I'm closted homosexual. I'm not exactly sure to what extent my feelings have come from within me, and to what extent they are being socially engineered. By this I mean that I feel that by me perceiving others as thinking I'm gay, makes me react in a manner which feeds their suspicions. I am also aware that the thought of marriage and other social pressures are pushing me to make a decision. I am possibl0y seeing being gay as a form of escapism from life's pressures. As far as bisexuality is concerned, I do believer that life is made up of two opposing forces (ying and yang, if you will), I fully believe that a person can have two sides. But if I choose marriage, what do I do with my attraction towords men ? Just ignore it ? I have attempted to decide the issue in the past by trying gay sex, but I really wasn't able to go through with it, for whatever reason. I'm very close to splitting up with my girlfriend. I don't know whether I should tell her that this is one of the main causes of our breakup (she thinks I'm leaving her for a richer girl). The concept of growing older alone and constantly trying to pull 'younger men' doesn't exactly fill me with excitement (although I realise that it may be fine for other people). So basically my question is this ... is it possible to have it all ? ... a wife, a child ... and a vent for my homosexual longings ? What should I do ? In order to find happiness and a peace within, do I need to destroy other's happiness ? thanks
You have to make a choice, but not in regards to your sexuality. The choice you have to make is whether or not you're willing to spend the rest of your life with the woman you're with right now. If you truly love her, you'll tell her where you stand sexually, and if she truly loves you, while she may be a bit concerned (that you could be cheating on her) she should understand. Marriage is a commitment of love that's based on a trust for one another. If she can't trust you to remain faithful to her (or if you can't trust yourself to remain faithful to each other), then honestly, you shouldn't get married. You did mention that you are very close to breaking up with her. If you do want to break up with her, you need to tell her this. In that situation, I would tell her about my sexuality as well. You don't have to, but realize that that might help her better understand why you at least want a break from your relationship. Further, if she understands, she will be an excellant friend and companion on learning more about yourself sexually. I think the first step to solving your problems is to talk about them. Paranoia is a sign of introversion. You've spent too long keeping this on the inside, you need to talk to someone about how you feel, and the best person for that would likely be your girlfriend. That again, is for you to decide, but that's the way I'd suggest doing it. Good luck, and best of wishes. Peace dude -Jorma
Thanks jorma, ya, I feel much better for having talked about what's bothering me out in the open, even if it is with complete strangers (or maybe especially because it's with complete strangers). I have talked about this with her in the past, though only in passing. She's from a different culture, and although homosexuality isn't uncommon among men, being gay is pretty much universally misunderstood. I've suffered from depression in the past and sometimes it's hard to understand one set of feelings from another. I've tried to deal with these problems by internalising them, I can see that probably wasn't the best choice I could have made. Since feelings are bound to escape one way or another. I guess I'd feel a hell of a lot better if I was either A) attracted to men emotionally or B) was able to explain away my attraction to women just as easily. I can see now that these feelings have made me make some mistakes in my life. I have cheated on my girlfriend (with other women) in the past (we've been together 2 years but have been apart for long periods). I sometimes feel that I act in a manner which 'proves' my manhood, when I should be acting like a real man - and taking responsibilities for my own actions.
Try typing "married gay men" into a search engine and see what you find. I've met lots of men in your situation or something like it. There is at least one good site out there.
Hey, While I never was with a girlfriend to the point of marriage, I did date a girl that I grew extremely close to, for over a YEAR. I told her that I thought I was bisexual halfway thorugh the year, and was relieved to konw she accpeted me... But then, after a year had passed since dating, I started to feel that I might be fully gay. It was one of those feelings that I tried to ignore, but of coures, it did not go away- it wasn't a phase, and it wasn't something that'd disappear. In the end, I decided it was best that I talk to her about it, seriously. I had indeed bottled the feeligns I had for too long, and when I talked ot her about it, it seemed perfectly natural that we had broken up. But from there, we didnt' part- we are closer than ever now, and I can't say that I've been closer to anyone in my entire life. She is the greatest person I've met. SO basically, what I'm trying ot say is- COMMUNICATE, and be TRUE to yourself...That's the bottom line. I know, it's not as easy as I might be making it out to be, but when it comes down to it, you've GOT to be honest, and you've GOT to be true to yourself. Maybe you should experiment with guys a bit, and try getting in a relationship with a guy. You might feel much more happy, though at first you may feel really uncofmortable. It sounds like you need time to explore your identity, and think, and if your girlfriend really is a companion, she'll understand and give you the freedom and space to think, and search for yourself. I wish you the best of luck man! Do try to remember that homosexuality isn't a bad thing, however much you may think otherwise. and smile Cheers, Dylan
hypothetically, if you break up with your girlfriend and embrace your 'loving men' feelings whatever they may be (gay, bisexual, whatever) you don't have to grow old alone, looking to pull younger men. there are plenty of committed gay relationships, similar to marriage (some even actual marriage depending on where you live) or civil unions or some such substitute. Children are also involved, you can have kids, even if you're gay or whatever.... so dont worry about that... maybe you need to talk to your girlfriend about your feelings. If you're going to be spending the rest of your life with her (marriage etc) and if you love her that much, don't you perhaps owe her the truth... and who knows... she might have an idea or something...
