This is for real. This is truly what is going on in my life. I am eighteen, my parents divorced when i was 14. my dad beat me up, i stopped talking to him so i culd do my gcses, i did them , got a stars all the way. afterwards i got to feel bad, terrible, my dad was sooo depressed it really effected my life, i had no masculine support or love and rebelled against the inner feelings of hurt and started drinking with a boyfriend who turned out to be alcoholic. I was so needy for his love, i left home, at 16 went on the dole and tried to do my alevels. by this time i hated my mother so much that i could barely walk or breathe without obssesing over how much i hated my parents and their inabilty to care for me in any way. They did nothing. They never rang or visited me. they were 'shot of me' By the second year of my alevels i was in so much of a petrified state, i was literally frozen with fear and shock that my parents..held so much hate that they couldnt control it from spilling over to violent outbursts and attacks. and that id basically taken it...ever since puberty.. although becuase its such a 'bad place' in my mind. there is confusion here. because when i was younger my dad would go ballistic when my mum left the house... he would basically try to scare the shit out of me.. now why?? why do people do this?, why do parents even do this to their children?, try to bully and put the fear of god into them??? So still trying to the alevels, i failed, unsurprisingly becuase i had noone to care for me, and the inability to do so due to feeling that i was unworthy of living becuase i seemd to bring so much pain and madness to my parnets. It was really confusing to have parents that hate me. really confusing. so anyway. i got i quit the drugs, quit the boyfriend, went to uni, i could literally not look anybody in my class in the eye because it hurt so much to know that they could see how scared i was, and that they were so loving and kind. I couldnt bear the support. For me, id had none so far...or i hadnt becuase i didnt want any help. i had wanted to die, and people saw that, and were not [unsurprisingly] attracted to that type of person! To suddenly have all this love scared me so much, i couldnt face it, again. i hid, my grandparents bailed me out of uni and i stayed with them for a week, they took me to france and fed me so much! they showed me love and acceptance and i actually felt like a deserving person again! my mum moved house, i moved back...i dont know why, she bullied me so much i couldnt move, i was struck with fear once again, and literally could not move or say one word without crying. okay.. i realised that she was bullying me. I got a job on farm, worked really well and moved to ireland... now that was amzing, i play the violin and i was a succes...out there. i made loads of money in gigs and again,.....though.. i moved back to my mums house where again, she has begun to try and destry me. she is trying to destroy my confidence, hope, joys, dreams, and happiness...and she is trying this with violent manners. I have just sat in my room readin when she blazes in screaming obscenities that i turned on the radiator. obviously i didnt respond, becuase what response is there to someone trying to hit you, excpet to BLOCK them out. so with the silence, she reponds to my silence..with 'are you mad.. you are crazy and need help, why wont you speka to me?' no surprises there. wh9 wants to get into a fight? not me. i am very upset that i let myself be treated this way....that i allow myself to be bullied and sytematically destroyed.. it is in my psyche becasue since puberty my mum has tried to destroy me...mentally . she has really put her best effort into being mean..there is no other way to describe it, it is purely a mean effort of bitterness. and since puberty..i suspect it was a response to my developing sexuality... her jealousy and there are other hitngs... im talented. its just something i am. i play three instruments, make art poetry, sing very well, and when not ashamed.. can be so clever that i can succed in any exam. But somehow..in my psyche, ive been taught to be ashamed of my joy, ashamed of making beuatiful things... and i want to know why... i want to know why we are bitter and resentful to beautiful things, why we refuse love and poetry and insist on being mean..to the point of awfulness. is it jealousy?, or a lack of understanding how to communicate with things that are not violent... why do we take so much offence to peaceful things? I do it myself...I get angry or jealous and bitter with the people who have what i want.. that inner peace and contentment. when i sing...why do people react so bizzarely? when another girl sings in front of me... why do i react so bizzarely?? why do we react with jealously and bitterness when people are expressing joy???
I'm sorry that this has happend to you, and I don't know the answer for your questions. All I can say is keep on doing what you love, for you, to make yourself happy. Just do what you love for the sake of doing it, do not look for results or praise because when you do not receive it you will just begin feeling useless. and that you are not. Just be happy with yourself and your beautiful art work because if you keep dwelling on things like the way our parents react(things we can not change however much we wish to) you will begin to eventually lose all interest in your work. I'm sorry I can not help to much, I seek for the same answers... maybe make your mother something beautiful, whether it be poetry or a song or what ever it may be. Make it truthful, but not narrow truth in one direction but rather including everything you do not understand, things you love, and what disapoints you(maybe a painting with all bad and all good?) Best of wishes.
I know first hand how hard it can be to go through what you have. Both my parents where chronic alcoholics by the time i was 12. I didn't have any siblings and no real immediate family to step in and help out. Funnily enough i found music to be comforting to. I found my sense of self in it. An instrument is always there when you need to express how you feel. It doesn't judge, doesn't take offence and it doesn't lie. Alcohol is often a lot to do with bad situations. Ppl drink for different reasons. Usually underlying mental health problems that havent been addressed. Things from the past that they are trying to block out. Sounds as though its not healthy for you to stay at your mums. Is there maybe some other relative you could stay with for now? Or some friends who are thinking about getting their own place? Could you move in together and split the bills? Failing that i think you'll need to address your financial situation and work out another solution to living there. Are there any support groups nearby that offer advice and community for relatives of alcoholics? These meetings are ran by ppl who went throw the same things and came out the other end. They should also be able to advise you on how to take yourself out of your situation, or even put you in touch with other organistations that can suggest an alternative. From what you've said it sounds as though your parents need professional help to deal with whatever underlying problems they have. I learned the hard way that you can't help ppl who do not want to be helped. I would suggest getting yourself sorted and waiting until you are on your feet before you question things again. You wont find the answers in a warzone. From someone who's been there, give yourself time to open up to friendships/relationships again. Dont push yourself too hard but just enough so as you feel like your moving along a little day by day. My personal view is that while i was living with them i had no choice other than to be a victim. Now i have the choice whether to go on being one or just make the best for myself that i can. Despite how lost you feel right now, there are things out there for you and all you have to do is reach out and take them. And there are ppl who have been threw or are going threw what you are now. I still have problems with relationships, as a part of me thinks there's no point if everyones going to end up hurting me. And yeah, sometimes the ppl in your life will do just that. Tho not everyone's like that and you'll know that because you know your not like that, so there must be other ppl looking for the exact same things in life that you are. Getting close to ppl is hit or miss. Sometimes ppl wont be what they appear to be and what we need to do is just brush ourselfs off and take with us what we've learned. The more you look out for the special ppl, the more chance you have of finding them. When you do, all the others and the times you've tried and failed will just have taught you to value what you've found. You sound so intelligent and well adjusted. I understand how much courage it takes you just to get out of bed in the mornings, or get to sleep at night. You're doing well and you've still got so much to learn about yourself. Nothing of whats happened was ever your fault, but i suspect that you know that. Time changes things, so know that when things are hard that they wont always be that way. Please take care and please check out those support groups, even online. Let me know how you get on. Casey x
I would stay away from your parents. Usually people keep going back to abusive parents because they want to feel loved but it is obvious you cannot properly co-exist with them until their problems are sorted out. Otherwise avoid them. If they ever get on track again, get their problems worked out, resume communication with them gradually. Eventually you will be able to agree on a reality, your feelings will become posotive for one another, and you will be able to communicate completely. But until they go through re-hab or other programs forget them. You don't need people dragging you down. And don't worry about people trying to care about you, that's just their way of trying to help. Don't let anyone destroy any beauty you can create. Just becuase your mom wanted you to believe the worst doesn't mean you have to. I believe no on should be afraid of their creativity. Creativity is what makes the world interesting and I'm sure many would agree that you are very talented. Don't let your world be dragged down because of a couple people. You have a life ahead of you. Why not live it?
wow. i put out there the only thing i know... and however a 'victim' i am out of choice...you guys have given me such hopeful and kind advice. casey you've stunned me by writing about how exactly i feel. envjnkie, that art piece sounds likesuch a good idea, the good, bad, and what i dont understand. 2cool, i love our attitude and its really inspiring... im just so embraessd and ashamed by the way i respond to them. i know what positivity can do for a person but for some reaon i just dont think im capable or deserving. i didnt mind when my dad hurt me physically. what hurt was seeing him enjoy it. then it really was bad when i was looking at my dad..pleading to stop, and he laughed, carrying on. At that point he wasnt my dad anymore and i had to realise that. then theres mum, who just tries her best to destroy any hopes i have. I know shell regret it later in life.. or maybe she wont?, how am i going to heal my heart and let her free from carrying on the hate..? or maybe i cant do that.. she just hates, and im an outlet.. its not my fault..its her issues and shes prenteding its me. i mean she is sick.. becuase she will repeat.. 'its you.. you you you.. your fault im like this' when i actually havent done a thing. shes making it all up.. and your right i wont be able to clear out in thew warzone so i have to get out.. but iam crippled with self loathing!!! i havent a clue how to be my own friend...the voices in my head say...'loser, hopeless, stupid' i mean theyre entiely the opposite ways to which i would 'normally' asocaite myself with. so this tells me its programming and its SO difficult to adjust to knowing which parts are me, and which parts are believeing the bad things ive been told i am. its soooo confusing......
When I was young, my parents sucks. I was totally abandoned by them, one physically, the other emotionally. I turned to my grandparents, and they gave me the love and acceptance I so desparetly needed. When they died, I fell apart. Parent are unique fixtures in our lives. No one can hurt us like our parents. My mother can cut me open to the bone with her judgements and proclemations. My father can bruise my heart. You should limit your exposure to your parents. They are toxic to you. Their words and actions poison your soul, your mind and your self worth. You are talented, believe that. Use it as a shield against their barbs and arrows. Relationships are hard when the people who should love you most treat you like a kicking post. You don't know how to open up to people, how to accept love, how to return it healthly. In my case, I made people fall in love with me, and then used it to hurt them... if that makes sense... I was a emotional predator. I started seeing a councellor. It helped a lot, and she eventually transfered me to a pychiatrist, who helped even more. It helped to talk to a professional... some one who could look at things objectively and make sence of of it all. Good Luck! And stay away if they hurt you, at least until you develop some defences!
The way you've described your parents sure brings back some memories for me. Do both your parents drink or just your dad? Self loathing isn't uncommon in this kind of situation. If ppl tell you things enough, over time you begin to believe it, even tho its not the truth. Compliments from other ppl outside the situation become almost 'superficial' and very hard to believe because its human nature to dwell on the bad things. I still feel a little uncomfortable with compliments. I was very angry with my parents at the time and i probably planned to kill them a few times. Which is why i'm strongly advising you to get out of that house as quickly as possible. We are all only human and we all have our limits of tolerance towards abuse. You dont need to get to the stage where you end up reacting back or doing something stupid. Decide right now that your going to plan towards moving out and keep to it. A friend who's parents where alcoholics taught me a method of calming the situations down. At first i found it very hard to do this because i was angry and hurt but when i got the hang of it, i found it to work well. When your mum bursts in and starts shouting and screaming stay very calm but very firm. Look her in the eye and say something like " Mum, I love you, please calm down. I dont want us to argue and i hate seeing you so upset,' if she responds to this or if you see a slight break in her temper, offer her to sit down on the bed and ask if there's anything you can get for her. If this calms her again, and you can bring yourself to do it, give her a hug. This may or may not work for you dependant on your mums reactions. Try looking concerned for her rather than upset or angry. It will be difficult and might take a few times to get the knack of it. Even if it works all its going to do is take the edge off her temper, you still need to get somewhere else to stay in the longterm. I wish i'd learned this method a lot sooner because things would have got less physical and i would have been more in control of the situation. I found it worked on all the alcoholics i knew. But it did not stop me from feeling so much angst nor did it stop the outbursts from happening in the first place. Remember that most of the worlds greatest artists, musicians and writers, have had a troubled home life and abusive or absent parents. It's what gives them such a wordly outlook to pour into their art. Make this advantage work for you, let your music and art be your things to lean on, the things that hold you up. Dont you feel like when you are being creative, that your where your ment to be, doing exactly what your ment to be doing? When your mums screaming, dont you maybe catch sight of a blank peice of paper, or an instrument and you can't wait untill she leaves the room just so that you can get back to expressing how you feel? If your in britain then contact 'alanon' who will be able to offer you support with your parents. Also maybe you should start hanging out with other artists and musicians and arrange jams with them to get you out of the house more and to develop your skills. Take care, Casey x
crazy caesy... so cool. my mum has stopped sdrinking but its hardly effected her behaviour. shes literally impossible to look in the eye or offer concern to becuase thats not her preogative..she will take anyhitng as a tool or cue for manipulation...even when she knows that nothing she says makes sense, or even if she knows shes just trying to be cruel...shes very 'into' the destruction of me.. basically... well its been her lifes work. dad is soooooooo wired...... he used to be amzing when i was little.. really encouraging and loving.. as their relationship detriorated into drink he stopped acring and started raging at me... i mean neither of them has EVER....done anythign harsh to my brother.... dad went nuts, tried to take everything i had.. what i mean by that is he would provpoke me into highly emotional states and then TAKE all the enrgy i gave him... do you know what i have just realised??? i am feeding their neaurosis... i am proably somehow now, the cata;yst for their madness besuae i f=give it so much enrgy...... fuck
