Last night around 4am I wrote a suicide letter 4 pages front and back except the last page was only front. I said tommorrow is the day. (referring to today. technically i guess i should have said later today is the time) btw, this was the first time I'd ever cared to write a letter, and i think it just made me more depressed... Anyway, when I finished I was sitting and thinking about it, and i started getting pained breathing, kind of like hyperventilating but not really, which i've had before when i get suicidal thoughts, but then something new happened. For a minute or two, i felt like i was on a bad salvia trip. I guess it must have been some strange emotional thing... but how much it reminded me of salvia was uncanny. Anyone else ever get so distressed or depressed that your mind feels like its tripping? or can anyone explain what happened to me? (btw, i feel better today if that wasn't implied.)
its called anxiety/different emotions man, and ive had panic attacks for hours it fells like theres this pressure on my body and my heart races and my adrenaline and endorphines start going and next thing you im screaming im going to die crying runing through my house trying not to kill myslef and hold on just a littile bit longer casue i know it will end evently..... people underestamate their body and mind
man...are you ok??? Theres no chance to take if you have suicidal thoughts... Care to go see a specialist or something? plz
I can only say, if your still alive, and want to commit suicide, then talk to a emergency mental health care professional or some suicide hotline. Peace and Life ~RxHEAD~
go to a fucking doctor man. you cant get close to suicide this many times and go write about it on a fucking web forum. you got to go to a fucking doctor. ive been through thid shit before and its a really good idea to get help.
I wouldn't go see a specialist, and i'd stay the fuck away from a stupid hotline. The guy asked about how it resembled a salvia trip not for help. Don't take this the wrong way anyone its just if somebody wanted help they'd either be askin for someone to talk to, or they'd be out getting help. I'd had plenty of those thoughts before too but then I think of how much it would hurt everyone around me and dont do it. I honestly dont give a shit whether i live today, and die tomorrow. I guess that helps me cope with life and death situations.
first, I want to thank the person who actually answered my question. though i appreciate everyones comments. StonerBill, i guess posting the not could be interesting. The thing is... its in the trash(i suppose i could dig it out), and Id have to type out the whole thing... plus, I cant really express how much i take back and am embarassed of some of the things i said. Also, it started out as just being a letter to one of my friends about nothing in particular and as it went on it started changing, so its just kind of strange. but, i'll type it out and post it below just because well, i may as well be honest. even though i think it was a stupid letter now. Anyway, to people saying I should see help... I've tried that. I went to a doctor and told them about it hoping to get the medication i heard so much about that helped so many people. I got the meds and also got locked up in the hospital for a week which ended up losing me my job and my lease. Since then i've been living with my parents and i had to transfer schools, because my parents moved. I dont have any friends here yet... so that kind of sucks. Anyway, i think it was really stupid of them to lock me up like that. And the 'help' they tried to give me was all themed around the premise that i belived in god or at least some purpose for life. That just made me more depressed. I'm a nihilist. Since that experience though, I've found peace in some buddhist related ideas. Still, sometimes, like the night before i started this thread, i just inexplicably 'feel bad' and I can't justify living. There are other times, like today, i was getting suicidal thoughts at school, and i was feeling quite good about it. I felt that it was a good logical decision and there were no negative aspects of it. A few hours passed with thoughts flowing through my head, and my mind had changed. I think I probably will kill myself eventually. but lately ive come to accept it. i dont think people should worry. Everything is nothing. it doesn't really matter. what matters is that if i do it, i do it because it feels right. if i do it, its the best thing for me. And the Following is completely unabridged transcription of the rambling letter that I wrote. Be warned it is written very poorly and it doesnt make much sense in many places. Don't make fun, please. I'm only posting this for satisfying people's curiosity, because i know i would probably be interested in seeing something like this if i had no first hand experience. And really, the fact that i was considering sending this just confuses me. Even boefore it gets suicidal, its ridiculous. The letter: (excuse my handwriting and disorganization and well, everything else in the letter.) Megan, I guess I'm just bored or something. For some reason, I'm writing this letter... just thinking of you and thinking maybe, like me, you get unexplained joy from receiving letters. Well, you're probably less bored than I am, but maybe I can think of something interesting to write. I haven't been up to much lately besides going to school and messing around with my guitar and my computer, none of which is too interesting, but it stimulates me from getting too depressed. Well, also is seems like I spend a lot of time making food, I guess, but probably just because I'm used to being served. In Lincoln, I had a cafeteria to go to and now that I came home I don't eat the stuff my mom makes anymore cause its all full of some random ingredient that could have easily been replaced by a vegan product. Probably for less money too... It's weird being home, too. I never met your parents, but I bet they're a lot different from mine. They were trying to give me a bedtime when i first came home. Well, I don't know why I'm writing about that though. I guess most people have problems with parents and I'd probably bore you to continue. Well, this whole letter is probably boring... Damn, I never can tell though if Im worht listening to. Maybe I shouldn't care. Well, I should at least stop writing my worries. It probably makes for a bizarre letter. Well thats what you get for reading something from someone with a messed up head. Well, I'm beginning to hate this whole letter, but instead of quitting, I'll just attempt a drastic change of topic, because at least I'm talking. People seem to not like me for being quiet. Well, after reading all that maybe you can see why I I don't generally say what's on my mind. Usually it's even worse. Anyway... So school is going ok. I'm only signed up for general classes so I have more time to pick a major. For dance, though, I'd have to audition just to get into the classes, just as I feared. Same with music, sadly. I don't think I can even take music theory electives without passing an audition. I am starting piano lessons in about a week. Maybe I'll develop skill with fantastical speed and be able to pass the audition by the end of my second semester... or maybe not. But, I can still hold onto a fool's hope. Also, my mom was going to pay for me to take native american flute lessons if I wanted it and I was thinking of course, except maybe violin instead. but IDK. Both would be pretty neat, but the flute would be more radical. I haven't decided for sure on that yet. I haven't been dreaming like i used to since school started. I thought I was getting detailed dreams from my bipolar medicine, but now I'm thinking it was more likely the weird sleep pattern I had when I had nothing to wake up for at all. I really miss that. Journaling my dreams was one of the best parts of each day. I even feel a little more isolated without them. Isolation can kill a fool like me. But of course, theres the flashing traffic lights and overheard conversations and the midnight cigarettes while watching and listening to the peace. Those sensations seem to occupy my mind well enough on good days. Plus there's hope, I guess, that I'll either get out of this place or adapt to it somehow. I think mixed dependence makes it hard to adapt. I miss my dorm. Or maybe I just set expectations too high. It seems I can hardly remember a typical day in Lincoln. Going back there, I would definitely feel alien. I never even thought of that until now... There is no going back... But I miss it so much. I don't know how to look forward, I guess. Inside I just feel emptiness, but in the past luck gave me people to depend on. I guess no one likes a person who is dependent though. Still, I don't want to change. I just don't even know how to justify my living. I never like making decisions of opinion. I hate when it's not ok to just say I don't know. I really don't know much. I wanted to, but I never learned much. Since I was quite young I've been disinterested in most everything. Really, I think it;s friends that got me interested in everything, except music, but even that I had no interest in at all until about 6th grade, and I didn't listen to more than a few bands until 11th grade I started expanding my mind a lot. I always feel like I'm behind everyone my age in that, but I guess I was comparing myself to certain people. Compared to the majority, my musical listening repertoire is damn fine. Thanks to countless preps I now feel a little better... Oh.. I fucking hate myself... You know... I guess maybe I should just stop trying. Look at me. I'm fucking writing you a letter about nothing. You make me feel so cold, so blue, but I can't stop thinking of you. I'm a disgusting person, really. I wish I could just set a timer to fade away. well, i never have been able to kill myself. I have a plan, though. I'm pretty sure that if ODing on my meds won't kill me, it will at least fuck up my head to the point that I'm not really myself anyway. When I lose my mind, I think I will be really happy. maybe? I guess I just know that I'll never know anything and that haunts me to the core. I have no purpose. Everything is nothing. I have No Idea how to find a niche in this society. I've blamed that on my brilliance for too long. There is nothing admirable about my state. My words are irrational as... well, they are very irrational. And I just can't seem to identify when I'm even thinking clearly. Often, I think my most depressed thoughts are the only pure thoughts I have. When I try to think positive, I can only do it by imagining morals or ideals that are justified by nothing. Humans seem to think they're so great. 6 billion people can't be wrong, right? heh. I feel like my struggle for sanity is just the opposite. And, admittedly, suicide isn't logically justifiable either, but it makes more sense than living a 'normal' life. The sane thing is to be 100% neautral to everything, in a sense to stop existing entirely, because you realize that all you are is a bunch of reactions bent on the goal of survival only because darwinism promotes such insanity. When you feel the truth, if you;re like me, you feel ultimate depression. But there is no going back. Once you know it, you are incapable of lying to yourself about it. So, I guess what I'm saying is... I did it. I found my peak of that I seeked in life. And now I am already dead in a way. My body is bent on happiness and avoiding pain. It will bring on it's own end. There is no sanity in it, and I despise it. So yeah... I feel like that's resolved now. I need to wait for a refill on my prescription before I take the last step. I don't know if i should send this to you until then, since I've said so much... but I do kind of want a reply (just for fun) And I think I can trust you not to say anything about this to anyone. Yeah.. what the fuck, if you do say anything, I'll just get... well, shit, I dont think you'd even.. well, i dont know who you'd get to stop me, but IDK. I think I can trust you.I deserve to die. It's like a human right, dont you think? but I think I'm just going to go nuts now until I'm ready to die. I'll do stuff I never would have done. Maybe I can even steal my parents car and come to visit you near the end. I can die in Kansas cCty. That would work, no? BTW, I didn't mean for this letter to turn out like this, but I just thought of stuff as I was writing. (I think thats pretty much obvious though.) I'm glad though. Honestly, you're my favorite person in the world, a fitting person to give a suicide letter to. Love, Rodger Sorry I'm so fucked up. I dont like it.
Yeah, get some help from someone, you sound like a really intense, deep person with a lot of potential... I know you said you feel better today, and I hope you stay that way. I'm glad you didn't go through with it.... I can indentify with some of what you said... if that helps.
Dude I have been in such a similar situation, I can really empathize how you are feeling. Things will get better, please don't kill yourself. I think it could be the meds making you have those impulses; it was with me anyway. Did you have those ideas before you started taking meds for bipolar? Seriously bro don't do anything like eat all of your pills. Trust me. You will rise up out of the despair and grow from it, then be able to help someone else who sees no hope in anything. If you need to talk please don't hesitate to PM me.
shut the fuck up. seriously you're gonna get someone killed you dumb fucking kid. god dammit and stop lying and trying to make a bunch of strangers think you're this ultra-centered super hippy. you'd be crying your fucking eyes out if someone came up behind you with a gun and said any last words cause you're going to die right now. don't kid yourself buddy, life is worth something and you know it. just because you've read one too many posts about ego-loss doesn't mean that you the fucking man and you live on the edge, not caring if you'll see tomorrow. and the only suicidal thoughts that you've probably had are when your fucking girlfriend broke up with you in algebra class in seventh grade or something. shut the fuck up and don't give advice to people about how they shouldn't seek help for extreme suicidal thoughts your just a really dumb and confused little boy who thinks he is the fucking hippiest hippy ever. get a life
I've been depressed to the point of tripping a few times... It's pretty wierd. I just start to feel really calm and I kind of feel like I'm stuck between hyperventilating and passing out for like 10 minutes. Emotions are a powerful thing.
