i have some questions with a bit of a story attached, so here goes I met this guy (now a long time ago) and he is really gorgeous in a bad way. Like an almost scary irresistable way. I was 15 when I met him, and had no experience with guys to speak of. I was at his place one night in the sauna when he started to unbutton my pants and slide his finger up my vagina. I was kind of freaked out, I wasn't comfortable with it at all. Afterwards he asked me if it was ok. I said yes, but wasn't at all. I loved it, loooved it when he just held me though. I loved being wrapped up in his big strong arms against his strong core... And I stayed with him because of that. Things started to get worse though, and he always managed to get my clothes off, and grind with me and try to get off at most every opportunities. And I just didn't enjoy it. I never felt anything unless I was wrapped up in his arms. I was just turned off. We smoked pot together a lot. He'd get me stoned and then start making fun of me because I never came. I was a lesbian in his eyes. I think I am bisexual, but I'll get to that later. One time when I was sitting with him onthe couch talking, stoned, and he was poking fun at me, we heard a funny sound. It was loud, mechanical, in fact exactly like a video camera turning off. You know when the battery runs out and the lens goes in with the whrrr sound then it clicks off? And he looked kind of freaked out, and I was like what was that? And he said he had no idea then went off about how the house always makes weird sounds and his stories along with it. The thing was, when I was sober, he was pretty nice to me. He wrote me these letters that could be interpreted as really sweet, but had some weird parts in them, he'd call me and want me to come over, and I dismissed his descrepancies as paranoia on my part. And because I was smoking so much pot I'd forget. But when I ran away home sometimes when he was being a total jerk, I'd try to tell myself when I was sober that he wasn't a nice guy, to never go back to him, to stay away, he was really hurting me in a way that would be hard to heal. But I'd stopped trusting myself. Part of me wondered whether I was a lesbian or not. One time at his house he showed me a video he'd made. He got me stoned out of my mind first (not like he forced me to smoke it, I was kind of addicted to it at that point, I'll get to that too later). The video was about me, and all his friends (he knows a LOT of people) making fun of how stupid I was and how I was a lesbian. Whenever I got the jokes, I'd look at him kind of shocked and he'd start laughing like he was trying hard not to but couldn't help it. Afterwards I said I wanted to watch it again (I was so afraid I would forget and go back to him), and he left the room with the video. I called his name and he said the rewind button didn't work on that machine. I got up, and he came back into the room and said what? then he rewound the video he was now holding in the other machine. he brought it back and it was a different movie. Afterwards he looked at me and said, 'that's only the beginning of the movie. there's lots more.' oh yeah, and in the background of the first movie we watched, I could hear my breathing when I was with brendan when he was grinding with me. since I wasn't feeling any pleasure, I'd stop and shift position. and I could hear brendan mumbling stuff like here try this (although I don't remember him saying that when we were alone together.) The last time I left him that night he'd got me to come to a party of his. Everyone there was laughing at me, calling me an idiot, a moron. Like no subtelty any more. Then Brendan took me down to his room. I was almost crying, drunk, stoned. And I kept asking him why. why he was doing this to me. I didn't understand how anyone could be so cruel. Eventually I said I was leaving. he walked me home. I thought that would be the last I'd see of him, or I hoped. I live in an area where no one locks there doors, and often there is no one home at my house. One day I came home and I noticed thigns were changed in my room. A lot of my stuffies were in different places, in sexual positions. This sounds so weird, I know, but I'm absolutely positive where they were before I'd left, and it was like blatantly sexual. I was sickened. I've always kept journals, and they were moved around too. I have lovebirds, and they never come near my journals. -Twice- I found birdshit stuck on, not pooped on a journal I'd dedicated to healing myself. If it was on a corner of the binding, if it had been pooped on it would have molded to the binding, but no it had be stuck onto the corner. So much stuff like that in my room has happened, but I'm assuming some of it is me making it up. One time I found a lightly sketched picture of me naked wearing sunglasses. That I did not draw. If you read all that, thank you. Now one of my questions is, can lesbians still think men are good looking and attractive? And I really want to have sex with a man and love it, do lesbians ever want that? And I was around a guy a little while ago, and if he just touched me it turned me on, a lot. What does this mean??? I don't get it. Will I just not be able to let go of those experience and so never enjoy sex with a man as I would have? I'm so confused.
wow what an asshole. i'm sorry you dealt with that babe. i hope you're maybe sober now? what makes you think you're a lesbian? just this guy? i'd say if this is your only experience with a 'relationship' you shouldn't base a lot off it... it sounds really fucked up. i'd say... now this is cliche in the utmost, but do what your heart tells you to? if you're turned on by a (nice) guy, go for it? if you're turned on by a (nice) girl, go for it? hmmm hmmmmmm.
That's awful. I'm sorry you had to go through an experience with that. But no, being a lesbian means you're attracted to women only. Just because this asshole didn't turn you on doesn't mean you're a lesbian. If you really think you might be one, by all means-go out and experiment. But Evie is right, you can't base one fucked up relationship on you're being gay. Since you said you fantasize about having sex with men, I'd say you're most likely not a lesbian. But, i would go get counseling, because this experience may mess with your future relationships. Good luck hun.
helloe there.. im sooo sorry for you that you had to go through such a horrible time.. it can b so difficult also to try and relate your story especially when your not sure what may only b paranoia.. the imagination can amount to amazing things really.. but then they can all b true in ways.. and usually thyey are based on some substance.. its just difficult to determine when its only you in with your head and so many variables... sorry .. im just rambling here a lille.. but i actually had..(still have a lil) a similar experience to that of yours.. except on a subtler level..which really dulled my heart for a while because i had to try and decide whether to trust in myself that these subtle things were actually real -intuitions or paronoias created by my own insequrities ...and also whether id let my sensitivity become to hypd ..n ooo along with a swirl of other things ... but not so as blatently nasty as what you have experienced.. im soo v glad for you that u are far away from the grips of that situation.. inside you , probably you r still healing ..trusting in yourself, and finding the centre of love for yourself and ur worth .. remind urself of and build upon as you move away. in a positive way u can see your experience as just that -an experience in life that you will learn n grow from.. and the blosseming of the person you are will be a result of it .. try not to let it haunt you ... if you're atracted to men and aroused by men then it seems that your not a lesbian.. well myb ur bisexual.. but ur still intrested in men so... whatever ur preferance is fine ..as long as it makes u happy!!!!.. prehaps your confusion over this is just because of this bas*ard's treatment in tryin to belittle you.. but what the hell does he really know anyhow, he's not u! also at som point a lot of pepz question their sexuality.. is there any reasons why you feel you want to be with a female? do u want to be ? ... if you ever feel the need to empty your mind please pm me .. i'll be happy to listen... take care honiee xx
Your questions read like a non-sequitur after a story like that. "I was treated like shit, abused, videotaped, and humiliated by this 'gorgeous guy' and his friends, and he entered my house uninvited and did sick things in my room... so is it possible for a lesbian to find a guy attractive?" WTF?!?! I thought you'd ask something like, "What should I tell the police when I call them?" I guess if nothing else, this story demonstrates the danger girls expose themselves to when they are underage, stupid and experiment with drugs and alcohol. Talk about not using the f**king brain in your head! This kind of thing makes me mad. All over the place are dangerous, abusive guys, and rather than go running to the trustworthy normal guys, girls keep running back to the abusive ones, and then they whine about how bad it was online. Go figure. Do girls like this deserve what they get when they make foolish decisions over and over without learning from them? It's arguable that they do. Good luck with your "healing." It better include staying the fuck away from this gorgeous loser. Blue skies, -Jeffrey
..everybody makes mistakes.. without making them and realising them a learnin a few lil wisdoms from them.. we wudnt know they were mistakes ..its youth and it life
Idunno, these mistakes she made seem to be compounded on top of each other, and I don't think I believe that such mistakes are that commonly made by all sorts of girls. There are, of course, the girls who don't get mixed up with getting drunk and/or stoned out of their minds on a regular basis with sexual abusers. I don't buy this, "I was confused and didn't trust that I wasn't imagining the whole thing in a state of paranoia" line. She hung in there strictly through bad decision-making. The time to cut free of it was ANY time, and she didn't. Can't figure out why. Glutton for bad treatment? No better prospects? Damn, it'd be far better to go without sex for a while than to get it that way. I'm not even confident that she took to locking her house after this experience. Maybe I'm a little harsh, yeah. I just hold people to relatively high standards in general, and get even harsher when I can see that they keep making the same mistakes repeatedly. I mean, what's the reasoning? Blue skies, -Jeffrey
it's easy done..although i do understand what ur sayin.. shame there is not always nice guys around.. you dont always know how anything is gona turn out until your in it.. the good thing is now she 'did' get out.. and good good for her.. but myb have a little compassion.. nobody deserves to be treated in such a horrible way... n the best of people get a lil fu*kd up here n there now n again.. if only such bast*rds would have a lesson to learn also..
Jeffrey- I called the police and asked what they could do, or actually I called a kids hlep line, and they said if I consented to sex or anything related, and as long as I had no proof of being video taped no one could do anything. As for me being stupid and not using my 'fucking brain,' believe me peaceful jeffrey no one knows that more than I do, ok? Leave the self-hatred to me please. At the moment I'm trying to get rid of it, actually. And I'm not trying to complain. My questions aren't police-related because this is a forum, not a police department. I'm asking about sexual issues for people who have more experience than I have. Does that make a little more sense? Oh, and when did I claim not to deserve what I got? I believe I said that I 'let' myself get treated badly. Anyway, can you just try and understand that what I just said wasn't even contradicting you for the most part. This wasn't so much about the experience as it was about my recovering from it, and maybe I just needed to write it out of my system...
She actually demonstrated normal teenage behavior, so I wouldn't single her out as stupid. Most adolescents experiment with drugs and alcohol at one point or another unless they're kept in locked cages. Give her a few years to see what happens, and if she remains in the cycle, THEN she'd be stupid.
Sweetheart, This guy is a dick head, obviously. I would stay as far away from him as possible If I were you. As for being a lesbian, you shouldn't base everything off of one encounter/relationship. I have been fucked over in all 3 of my relationships I have had, and I still go for more (women that is). It is a part of life to learn from our mistakes, after all, as they say, a mistake isn't a mistake unless you learn something from it. As for this guy that turns you on everytime he touches you... you must be very horny. Go try and get with him!! You could always do what alot of other people do when they get screwed over, become a playa, and start hurting everyone else. That always sucks but who knows. Take care, Drew
