Baggage?

I'm in a bit of a stich.

My partner's ex has two children (boy and girl) to another man. When my partner was with her for two years, he moved in and looked after the kids who are ages 6 - 9ish. During this time my partner spent a great deal of time with the boy child, helping him overcome some temper and learning problems.

I guess my problem is this: They've been broken up for about a year and a bit now. He and I have been together about 5 months and its only recently that they have started hanging out again. I am gradually becoming adjusted to it, I mean why should I stand in the way of their friendship? But I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the whole 'father' role that he seems to still be wanting to play.

He's babysitted the kid a few times and was over at his exes tonight, and I rang, he said "I gotta go tuck him into bed" . Hes also promised the kid that the two of them can hang out and stuff. She has asked my partner why he doesnt visit more, saying he should.

I dont know what to do, because I cant help but feel a bit... I dont know, I'm not happy with it. I dont want to ask him to choose, but I dont know how I'm supposed to deal with it. I kinda feel like, theres too many people in the relationship, and maybe thats a bit selfish, but... how long is this going to go on? Am I just supposed to be waiting around when he's off seeing his 'family' and living this different life?

any advice?

 

Ok, Retro......you just KNOW where I'm gonna go here, dontcha? Well, maybe not, bear with me. I have in the past , shall we say, recommended you to move on from this dude. Putting it lightly.


Now, you have chose to stay with him, which is entirely your decision. All people can do is give the best advice they can in threads like this one.

If you are set on staying with this clown until he drops you....which I suspect is actually not going to be too far off........you have to accept the situation you describe. He has you around his little finger. He knows it. You know it.

Why should he accomodate you in any way? He simply doesn't need to. He is CONSIDERABLY more experienced than you, and is in total control of the relationship. This is - needless to say - not a healthy thing, but you are determined to hang in there, so I am afraid you are just going to have to lie in the bed you have made for yourself.........however, there is a slim chance to change things a bit more your way......

.......this is to make him insecure about you. If he was to suspect you are having second thoughts about him, or happen to be 'busy' for a few days, seeing 'friends' that you are unspecific about when he asks, or make fun of some of his physical flaws and weaknesses (trust me, ALL men have them, and are just as insecure about their physical weaknesses as women. They just hide it better.). If he HAD to choose between his ex and you, because you put your foot down, and make it SEEM you have other options......then you could lever him more into your side of the realtionship.

I read posts like yours and I feel pretty bad, because it brings back a lot of memories of when I was much younger and a total son of a bitch. Perhaps in some strange roundabout way I am paying for those times now. I dunno. What I do know is many, many, many women found such behaviour irrisistable.

This is small comfort for you, but sooner or later this dude will get his just desserts. Good luck.

 

You kow, its not the behaviour that I find irresistable. Its the person he is when hes not acting this way

 

If he were doing it for the kids benefit - it would be cool. Somehow that does not sound like what is happening here. However, I am often wrong.

 

kids come before a partner. Sorry, just my personal opinion, but if my dad had ignored me for a girlfriend after my parents broke up, I would've been so incredibly upset with him. Ditto for my (now ex) step dad, if we stopped talking or having lunch every now and then because he had some chicka in his life, I'd be really upset. I'm still his kid in a way, he helped raised me, they both have been great amazing father figures

HOWEVER, I don't know the precise dynamic that's goin on with you guys. It sounds like others have read more to this story than I have. If he's really just there to help out the kids, that's cool and awesome. If there's more to be concerned about, well...

 

hmmmm....


who I feel for in this whole situation are those poor kids. Sounds like the little guy was dealt a rough deal in life (anger probs and such before hand make it seem that way). Please whatever you do don't get jealous and try to push him from them. It sounds like they saw him as their daddy and doing that could hurt those kids(you sound like you realize that). Even though they aren't his and they are an attachment to his ex girlfriend doesn't make them less of his responsibility. He took that on two years ago and needs to make sure he is there for them not her. It can be hurtful and confusing to them for him to just stop being their friend. If hes being there for HER in anyway that isn't benefiting the childern I'd leave him or see first hand if he realizes hes doing that. Maybe see if you can hang out with him and the kids sometime. Be nice to the mom, suck up a little and see if you guys can get along enough to all be there for the kids(if you plan on spending your life with him, why not?). She may completely realize hes moved on and doesn't care. Maybe she doesn't, you should find out! I don't think any mother minds having people around her childern who are mature, responsible and there for the best interest of them. Kids need all the love they can get. Shes probably nice, try to break her guard down a little and see if you can't be a friend of the family too. I wish you luck! I'm impressed with how your handling it all. Just take a step back and try to see it from everyones views differently and handle it from there. Only you really know if the way your boyfriend is handling it is healthy or not.

 

Kids come before girlfriends...bottom line.

He might not be the biological father, but that doesn't take away the fact that he spent TWO years with them. You need to get over it or lose him.

That's just the way it has to be. Earthy Mama had some great suggestions.

 

i would never ever ever date a guy with kids. as soon as i hear a guy has a kid i loose all attraction.

i do admire this guy for taking on a "fatherly" role when the real dad isnt present. he must be a great guy with a good heart. you might come to feel better about the situation in time.......why cant you be involved with him and the kids? (unless you dont want to or the mother is against it)

 

I undertand that about the kids coming first, and I never want him to ever choose between us and this child, its not fair on him or the child, or even me. But in a lot of ways, I feel like I'm being backed into taking something on that I wasn't really aweare of in the begining, like its been sprung on me. I know my boyfriend wants to be part of the kids life, and the kid wants it, and the mother wants it, but theyre all looking to me for my approval... argh the pressure!

Im just finding it hard because I cant deny the fact that I dont like the situation, for whatever reason, but I know in my head that I've got to deal with it, but I just dont really know how I go about it.

I guess its difficult for me to see this as being separate from his previous relationship... I feel a bit like hes picking up where he left off and I am not really any part of that.

and the sucky thing is, I know its over between them, and I have met her, and shes lovely,she even has another partner, but I still cant help the fact that it makes my tummy turn when I ring him up and hes over there every second day.

and I guess my other concern was for the kid. Cos hes young, the whole situation must be really confusing, Hes got his dad, my partner and this new partner of his mum... I really do feel for the kid, and I dont want to tear his best friend away from him, and I never have.

 

I guess it bothes me because when I rang him last night the second time, I was crying, I said "I really need to talk to you, will you be home soon?" Because I wanted to talk to him about this whole situation, and I couldnt do it while he was there because it was about them, and they were in the room while hes going "Whats wrong babe"

1:30am two hours later.... no phone call...

What bothers me is, what was he doing then, he obviously wasnt hanging witht the kid, the kid was in bed, so he was hanging with his ex, and ... I guess it bothers me that socialising with his ex and forgetting about me for two hours when he knows I have a problem that I need to talk to him about is more important to him than my feelings

 

there's certainly a difference between hanging with the kid by themselves (taking him to a park or something) than staying at the house with their mom until well past his bedtime. some ex's can be close friends, but it seems the majority (even ex spouses who are biologically related to the child) don't hang out with the mom ANd the kid, but just the child. if the child needs his attention, it's best for them to be alone anyway, and not distracted by the others. I know when i was little i really desperately wanted to spend alone time with my parents, without anybody else around. (goign to the movies, eating dinner, or when i was much younger playing house or something)

i'd be very uncomfortable in the situation as well, and also.... i think he is neglecting you and your feelings. if it's making you cry and worry and he doesn't seem to care, there is definitely something wrong. maybe you could try suggesting he take the boy to a park, or introduce the two of you and all three of you could visit the zoo or something.

 

people are only going to tell you what you already know. This maybe different to what you want to hear.

 

RetroGroove...from your posts about this dude...I can tell you that you need to dump his ass. Straight up...

It seems to me he has given you more heartache than good. More tears than smiles. More downs than ups.

Do yourself a favor and get out before he hurts you anymore.

 

maybe he doesnt want to be responsible for someone elses happiness.

 

Why should anyone feel sorry for the child?
Having more than one person love and care for you is like having the Sun warm both sides of your body at the same time.
If he is hanging out with his ex then yes, you have a gripe and he should be willing to talk to you about your concerns with that etc. Taking the child out for some one-on-one time off site would be better than him hanging out with the kid with his ex. It sounds to me like you are upset that he is giving his attention to someone besides you.
After you experience parenthood, you understand the concept of Unconditional Love. It sounds like your man deals this way with most of the people in his life.
Why don't you go out with your friends or do something for yourself while he is over visiting the little boy?

 

It seems to me that your man is getting dealt an unfair hand here. Everyone is so quick to jump up and say 'Dump him!' but what exactly has he done wrong?

So he made a bond with this kid. That's a GOOD thing! If the kid needs a Father Figure and has already bonded with someone that can provide that for him, what's the problem? He is a young and growing boy and that kind of stability and influence is the best thing for him! Why on Earth would you begrudge the child his relationship with your man just because you have insecurities?

I think you should trust your man. If your relationship is a solid, healthy one, you shouldn't have to question this. Have some faith in your man - don't you think he can control himself? Especially when he tells you that nothing is going on and he cares for you? Why would you discredit her so quickly as well? If she's seeing someone else, what makes you think she'll be diving into her ex's bed? They broke up for a reason.

I think you should cut him some slack and re-evaluate what you're looking for in a relationship. Because it doesn't sound like your priorities are in keeping with EVERYONE'S best interests here, just your own.

Blessed Be,
Rider

 

Rider On the Storm, you are in for some rude awakenings in your life, Toots! Ouch, glad I'm not gonna be there when reality hits hits you hard.


Anyone with the remotest ounce of intellignece can see the fact Retros lovely boyfriend is an asshole of the HIGHEST order. Now, she is choosing to stay with him, which is her decision, but it is women like you that let men like him get away with it.

Perhaps, he will send you a bunch of roses for being his No1 fan? Somehow, though, something tells me he's, er, not the type to do that.

 

Hi Retro,
I too remember some other posts about this guy that you have been seeing and like some others have told you, I also think that you would be better off without him. Whether or not he is a good or bad person isn't the issue, the fact remains that you are upset a lot of the time and seemingly just plain unhappy with the situation. I think that there are plenty of other men out there who would treat you better and who you might mesh better with. Like I told you before you can't control what other people are going to do. If he is going to see this ex girlfriend or her children, then that is what he is going to do whether you approve or are any part of it or not.

Also, it has been my experience that you should follow your gut instincts about a person. You obviously don't trust him being with her (I'm assuming this is the same ex that he went out with before that you were questioning because he was gone a long time correct?) I don't know if you are feeling in any way insecure because he once loved her or if they really are deceiving you in some sense. All I know is you don't seem to be happy with this guy and it seems like you have more doubts and mistrusts than you have certainty about this relationship. Don't you think it would be easier to make a clean break now and move on and find someone who you can enjoy life with?

And this isn't about him having to make her happy or about him wanting to play daddy to these children because of some guilt that he built up in his head (because if he cared about the kids he would have tried to work things out with his ex or made a clean break himself). This is about Retro being who she really is and enjoying life with those around her who also enjoy being with her and treat her with respect. No one says he has to make her happy, but she should feel secure and content when she is with him, not always on edge and worried.

I know you probably won't listen to us Retro, which in a sense is a good thing. Just sit back and take some time to think about what is best for you in this situation.

As far as his good traits, because I read that post you made too, there are many many men out there with those same qualities who don't act like this man does. Plenty for you. Just keep that in mind. He isn't the end all be all of men.

 

"Rider On the Storm, you are in for some rude awakenings in your life, Toots! Ouch, glad I'm not gonna be there when reality hits hits you hard."

I've already gone through a lot, but thank you for your kind wishes. If and when your negative prophecies come to light, I'M glad too that you won't be around. I think you're an arrogant old fool kissing Retro's ass. Whether or not her man is in the wrong, NO ONE CAN DENY THAT SHE IS BEING 100% SELFISH. And "Toots"? Show your age a little more, Grandpa!

"Anyone with the remotest ounce of intellignece"

Learn to spell the word 'intelligence' before you presume to assume that I have none, please, you pompous ass. And since when does having a different opinion mean someone is less intelligent? Anyone with the remotest amount of intelligence can appreciate free speech, differing of opinion, and a different perspective as being valuable tools in a debate, or in RetroGroove's case, perhaps as a way to see it from someone else's angle to help her view her situation objectively.

"but it is women like you that let men like him get away with it."

Women like me? Exactly what is that supposed to mean? I ran away from home and from an assuered Valedictorian status to live with a guy I thought was my Prince Charming. GUESS WHAT? I knew him for a little less than 2 years and he never had even ONE job. I payed ALL the RENT, FOOD and BILLS. And when I got sick of his bullshit, I dumped him.
I TOOK MY POWER BACK. I didn't need to put up a sad little post on the Forums either. BECAUSE WOMEN LIKE ME DON'T NEED PEOPLE ON THIS SITE TO MAKE THEIR DECISIONS FOR THEM OR CATER TO THEIR PETTY ASSES BY HAVING A BUCH OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE OR GAIN COME HERE AND JUST TELL PEOPLE EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR.
So I spoke my mind. Big deal. Whatever your thoughts are, I think it's a good thing for the child and Retro's man to continue the man and if she's jealous of a child and has enough free time to spend envisioning all these scenarios between him and his ex, that's her problem. Her relationship obviously sucks, and she doesn't deserve him, so she should find someone else.

"Perhaps, he will send you a bunch of roses for being his No1 fan?"

Thanks for the sentiment, but I really don't need roses from him. Roses may seem like a big deal to a man who has such limited means as you, but flowers die, and I neither need nor want the clutter of dead petals in my house.
Your post was malicious in nature, hardly had any of your opinions expressed without tossing an insult at me. I AM NOT THE POSTER, IDIOT. All comments and points should be directed to the POSTER and the TOPIC. Your post was neither directed at RetroGroove, nor was it very on topic. Are the Forums too advanced for you, Salamander? Or did you just not understand that part of the Forum Guidelines? But, perhaps, someone with such limited 'intellignece' as you WOULD have difficulty.

Blessed Be,​

Rider On The Storm​

 

Rider seems to be doing pretty good on her own here and thanks for the laughs...But I have to tell you anyone with so much to say would at least have a photo up of them self. That is a pretty good indication of how you feel about your self. Sounds like you come from Fear a lot. Which is why you are so into the orginal posters problem. I don't see the poster or you coming from Love-BUT I do see her Man doing that and doing something that anyone who is involved with Children is aware of and lives-UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!
I learned that raising three children of my own.
Try it! The Rewards are HUGE.
Oh and as far as MY WOMAN being abused in your statement...Women like you!
I worship Rider and what she brings to my life and what I bring to hers. It's an even exchange of energy-That's why she's here by my side.
I hope you find your teachers! Peace The Wiz