Baggage?

retro i dont know why you bother asking people when you will stay with him and then a week later complain about something else.

 

Boy am I really confused on this thread. I don't know who is who or who is fucking who or where or with what.

Anyway, I don't think that Retro is being selfish because she is jealous of her boyfriend spending time with a child from another relationship. From what she says she really does care about the welfare of the child and that is why she is torn about what to do. Her problem is that she thinks that there is something more going on between his ex girlfriend and him than anyone is letting on because he isn't only spending time with the child but with the child's mother, and it would appear that he is not being completely upfront with Retro about it.

I'm not sure about the ass kissing going on around here because I don't get on here too much and I really don't care what any of you do however when asked my opinion on something I'm going to give my honest opinion. I do think it is strange that this man is not the child's father and the child has his biological father, a mother and the mother's new boyfriend. I also understand that it can be confusing to little kids to have so many father figures come and go from his life. That is why I think the mother of the child is being selfish for not putting her kids first, but rather her love life first. And I think Retro's boyfriend doesn't exactly have the child's best interest at heart. This is just my opinion based on what she has written. I'm not sure what's up with the situation cause I'm not there, but it seems like if he really cared about the child to me anyway, he would have stayed with the woman, or found a different way to cut ties so the child wouldn't have been confused or hurt to begin with. I mean Retro said he had not been around the boy for a while then all of a sudden he comes back into the kids life in a completely different role than before. I feel bad for the kid but I think he is being used as a prop in this situation. I don't know.

Take care,
i hope it all works out. For the child's sake at least.

Jen

 

good point...if retro's boyfriend had this strong bond with this kid before he met her then its understandable that he drops by to see this kid a couple of times a week...but i would have serious doubts about the whole thing if this profound father-son relationship suddenly emerged from nowhere and has become such a big issue at the moment.

 

Thanks for ALL of your opinions people.

I know its probably a waste of time, but I just would like to vclarify a few points.

I'm not jealous of the child, and I do think that if my partner wants to see him and be there for him , he should. What I am not happy with is him spending time at his exgirlfriends house to be with the kid, like the three of them doing this big ole family thing.

I underastand that any relationship with children involved is never a clean easy break, and children do come with unconditional love, and there is no way I would ever want to rip thataway from either my partner or the kid.

My concerns in this situation were that, firstly, this is only a recent occurance, and I did not enter this relationship on these grounds whatsoever. Of course as a partner, I have to be willing to change and make sacrifices, but I'm twenty years old, and I have no plans of ever having children, so being asked to partially take this on is a big thing for me.

Secondly, I'm just not comfortable with him hanging out with his ex, especially if hes not willing to take five minutes time out from socialising with her, to talk to me when I'm upset about something. I would never make him wait two hours if he rang me up crying and said he wanted to talk, especially if I was doing nothing better than getting drunk with my ex.

Thirdly, this issue has only come about since he started talking to his ex again.

and lastly, since that day I have spoken to him about it. I told him I think its great if he wants to see the kid, and I will support him 100%, but I'm not comfortable with him hanging out with her (the ex), and while that may be unreasonable, I cant help that my tummy turns when I ring and hes there.

and to that he said, "Oh well, it doesnt really matter, I just wont see either of them, he'll survive."

I said, "What about if we break up, and then you would have totally screwed things up with him?"

"Oh well, we'll just have to see what happens"

And it was like a complete turn around, he wanted it so badly, and now all of a sudden he doesn't care at all.

It sucks, because I really like her too, shes a really nice girl. I just dont think its right to keep on too much with an ex when youre in another relationship.

I know it probably sounds very selfish, but, I cant ignore my own feelings and pretend to be happy with things I am not happy with. I am willing to make sacrifices and allowances for this realtionship, but he has to be willing to consider my feelings too. I never said he "cant or shouldnt, or better not" do things that I dont like, I simply told him that i had concerns about the situation and that some things about made me uncomfortable, I never tried to tell him what he should do about it. But if I am worried about the situation, then I should speak up.

The only thing I asked of him was that he at least ask me about things that will affect our relationship, and consider my feelings. There are just somethings, no matter how justifiable, that you just dont do, not because theyre wrong, or because they are ill intended, but because when your in a realtionship you have to be considerate of the other person.

 

I can understand your concerns if you are excluded from that part of his life as it seems you are. It doesn't sound like you complain because he is involved with the children but that you are excluded from all of that part of his life and that seems to be consuming him and not just for the childrens sakes. My question to him would be along the lines of why you are so excluded from it and why.

 

Argh he went round there to rage her cones... ARGH! He said he wouldn't see her anymore, and then he tells me he went round there! All I want is some freaking consistency! I cant stand it when people say they'll do something and dont do it! If you dont intend on doing something, dont say you will!

 

if you're concerned about his relationship with his ex, i'd say to listen to your instincts. however, if it's just his relationship to the child, i'd say you're being a bit unfair. you break up with people, not with children. this kid doesn't need another abandonment in his life. however, that being said, if you're not ready to be with a man with prior strong emotional attachments to someone else's child, perhaps this is not the relationship for you.

when i met dave, he had a 6 year old son with his ex wife. this was somethign i had to heavily consider when deciding if i8 would carry on the relationship. dave will have a relationship with his ex-wife FOREVER. so in accepting dave, i had to accept not only him, but his son, and his ex-wife. it was a scary gamble, but i've been so blissfully happy ever since. but it's not for everyone. you have to see ifyou're compatible with this child and his mother. if not, you may need to seek likfe elsewhere, with neither ot blame.

 

Rereading what you have written...the complaint has never been about him being with the children, its the time he is spending with his ex that seems to have nothing to do with the kids and you aren't included in any way to the point of him seeming to put you second. If that can't be discussed and worked on I don't see how its going to work. Why not invite you with him if he is going to hang out there? That way you can see the dynamics of the situation first hand at least.

 

you could also offer to babysit at your place, too.

 

I dont know what I ever did to make you feel this way, but I wish I hadn't cause that's harsh.

I'm not asking anyone to make my desicions for me, just asking advice, different points of view so that I can make a better informed decision, thinking through all the possibilities. Sometimes it helps to talk things through with impartial parties... theres no bias.

So thankyou for your opinion too

 

Thats just it, I had a problem and he was too busy getting smashed with her to care. Its not the individual situations that bother me so much, its the ffact that he doesnt really give mind to what matters to me, even though I'm always willing to think about things that matter to him. Like when hes late all the time, it doesnt bother me so much that he's late, its that he knows that when people let me down like that, it upsets me greatly, and if he cared, he would see that its important to do something about it.

I dont know, maybe this is self riteous but, to me showing someone you care about them has more to do with giving them what they need, not just what you want to give.

 

I agree with ALL of you. I raised my two kids from the time my son was 5 and my daughter was 7. If I was dating someone whom they didn't like she was gonzo that day.

OTOH, I also dated several single moms and they put me before their own kids and that meant the end too. Kids always always always come first.

If he was the father figure in that family for a while he is STILL a part of the family in the childrens' eyes, and if their mother is any sort of human, hers as well.

It's kind of a sink or swim situ on your part, sorry.

 

this, right here, shows why your concerns are very legitimate.

if it was all about him spending time with the kid like he claims, he would NOT be getting smashed.

trust your instincts, because it sounds like they're right on point.
good luck and MUCH STRENGTH -- it's hard to listen to your gut when you don't like what it's telling you.

 

Kids = good
Smashed = bad

 

What on EARTH is all that about?! Please post under your forum name or we are ALL gonna get very confused. As it is, you should maybe take the time to read my post again. Your post, which I commented on, supported Retros Grade AAA asshole boyfriend in a manner that was naive in the extreme.

My post was directed at your naive comments. Which is exactly what they were. You may disagree, naturally, but if you cannot see what is going on in Retro's case, well, that's not my fault. Get someone older and wiser to explain it to you?

I didn't kiss Retro's ass. On the contrary, I have been advising her to the true nature of her boyfriend. She has chosen not to take this on board, which is fair enough, although she KNOWS that I - and many others - are right. I don't think she's being selfish at all. What she is, is very, very silly. But, hey. ....... freedom of choice and all that.

My post wasn't malicious.......nor offensive, unlike yours. Grow up quickly, Toots............... for all our sakes.

 

Since this is your SECOND off-topic post on this thread, I have decided to continue this with you via PM.

 

Rider, I wouldn't waste my breathe. Some ppl are better to just ignore in the long run if you disagree.

 

True!

 

thanks for reminding me...i needed to hear that.

 

Hey, now, gdhominchild........off thread topic!!!