I have a problem. I met 2 guys years ago. One wasn't interested in me or we couldn't get the timing right, for whatever reason, I don't know what the real problem was. Maybe it was that I was in the process of getting divorced and it wasn't completely final (though I had moved out already and the papers were filed in court). Anyway, the first man I met (online) was funny and intelligent and a free spirit and into a lot of the same things I was into at the time. I really liked chatting with him, we got along well over the computer. We had talked briefly on the phone once and we were supposed to meet for drinks a couple of times but we always ended up missing each other. I don't know to this day if we missed each other or if he was really there, and wasn't interested, but that isn't the point. The point is he and I never met face to face, but remained buddies online. His name is Todd. We had some very intimate conversations and flirted constantly. I guess I had an online crush or something. But again we never got it together in real life. Soon after I met my current boyfriend, Jake, the same way, online. He and I were also friends online for a spell before we starting dating. Anyway, I am still with him, and I know I love him, and I think I might want to marry him. While I was shacking up with this dude, Todd met a nice gal, Lindsay, and he moved like 800 miles away from where I live with her so she could go to school. We all kept in touch on IM. I was never close to her or anything, but we every now and again we chatted about the weather and stuff like that. And Jake is well aware of Todd and that we talk and stuff. Todd and Lindsay got engaged, and I didn't talk with him as much and when I did it wasn't very flirty out of respect on both of our parts I suppose. So one day he told me out of the blue that they had split up. And now she had moved away and was seeing another dude. He was heartbroken. Anyway, he dated a few women, but where he lives, he can't find anyone that he likes. He and I started talking more on a regular basis. Again, I love my boyfriend, but he isn't perfect and our relationship is lacking in some instances. For example, he is really selfish and doesn't spend a lot of time with me or talk to me very much. He spends all of his money on himself, even when I'm struggling, he is a momma's boy which gets in the way a lot of the time, and he has really changed. He isn't who he used to be. He was the center of attention, always making people laugh, everyone coming over to hang out. He was outgoing and talked to everyone. He was always happy and made me laugh constantly. Now it is almost like he is depressed, but he insists that he is not depressed, that he just doesn't have any desire to be outgoing anymore and he doesn't have any friends, etc. He doesn't really do much of anything, and if I try to take him anywhere he is a miserable mess and ruins my good time. ( I can give examples if I must, but this is already long). Anyway, I've recently been talking to Todd and he has been making some advances toward me. He invited me to come down and see a concert near his home, and he made it perfectly clear that he is interested in me now. He and I flirt whenever we talk. He has asked me to be in a porno with him (not sure if he was serious about that one or not). He says that when he comes back up here to visit other friends that we should hang out. Again I don't know if he ever will though. Last night he invited me to go away with him and meet him half way between where we both live. Well, obviously I siad no, I'm not like that. I don't want to go off and cheat on my boyfriend. But there have been times when I really just wish I had met (in person) Todd first, and got with him instead of my boyfriend. Then I get mad at myself for thinking those things and remind myself why I love Jake. But really there are times when I wish I could run off with Todd. I know I can't meet him with out Jake there because I have no idea what would happen, but I doubt I would be able to control myself. Todd makes me feel good, and Jake doesn't anymore. So, what does this mean about my relationship? Should I tell Jake and break up with him because I'm unsure about us and sometimes not happy? Should I stop talking to Todd? Is all of this in my head and I'm reading too much into it? Todd is serious I know that, but I also don't want to throw away all the years that I have put into my relationship with Jake. I feel like a soap opera.
It happened again this morning. Jake and I got into an arguement about money yet again. He is so freakin cheap it really bugs me. I swear he should have fell in love with a rich girl instead of me because I'm never going to make enough money for him. Everything I make as it is goes to him. I'm broke this week and he says it is because I can't manage my money. Actually, it is because I spend it all on him so he can have what he wants/needs. When he makes more than twice what I make. So frustrating. But that isn't the main point. The thing that keeps popping into the back of my mind is that none of this would be happening if I were with Todd. Todd took care of Lindsay for 3 + years. Paid for her school, gave her a car, she lived in his nice house, anything she wanted or didn't even want was taken care of. He had no problem getting engaged to her because he loved her. He bought her a $16,000 ring. I can't even get Jake to buy me a $16.00 ring. And we've been together longer. He is more interested in spending money on himself. I just know I wouldn't have these fights with Todd because he isn't so hung up on himself and what he can get out of a situation. He is more interested in the simple things like going for walks and picnics in the part with the dogs, just chillin. Jake doesn't care about simple things, all he cares about is money and what he can get with it. I'm so sad. I love Jake and I don't want to hurt him, but I really think that I should be with someone else. I don't know why, it is just a feeling. But then I wonder if I'm just being spoiled about the whole situation. I know no one is perfect and I'm afraid I'm looking to see if the grass is greener on the other side, when I know damn right well it might not be. I just keep telling myself that Todd has to have some flaws somewhere. Guess it is hard to see from where I stand. And I'm too afraid to hop that fence. What is wrong with me. How can I just be content with what I have, even though it sometimes makes me so miserable?
You should confront jake about how he is making you unhappy. If he is unwilling to coaparate with your needs then he is obviously the wrong man for you. But be careful there could be elements that you might not see that are making him the way you discribe. Just analyze and have open comunication about how you feel. It is very posible that todd would be worse off for you but youll never know that unless you exslplore. If i were you id see if jake is willing to change for the good in your light. If not then its a clear indication that you need to move on. good luck to you sister~
Wow, that was a long story. I have short answers. You are right no one is perfect. Get that through your head first and that could help with the problem of this fantasy you have about another boy. Second, you need to be completely honest and upfront with your current boyfriend about what is bothering you and what you are contemplating. It isn't fair to him. He has no idea what is going on. Maybe he would be willing to change, though I don't know that you should ask him to actually change. Also, you sound like you are a little hung up on money. I'm not sure, but if this all about money and what you think the one guy can or will buy you? I could be wrong, but if I'm right and it is about money more than anything else, then that is a really crappy thing to do to your boyfriend and I suggest you get your priorities straight. I don't know maybe money is really that important to some people. Other than that it does sound like quite a dramatic situation you have found yourself in, too bad most of it only exists in your head. That wasn't meant to sound mean or anything, just that you don't know and you are making a lot of assumptions and living in these fantasies that you don't know what really would happen with the other guy or what could be with this guy you are with. Life is what you make of it babe, you can be happy with your boyfriend if you want to be. Someone once said that attainment and contentment are two different things. Think about it. Good Luck. Jen
maybe you falling for this other person isn't a sign that you are supposed to be with that person, but that you need to get away from the current bf and move on. it is never, ever healthy to jump right into a relationship after ending another. i'm in the process of a healthy breakup right now (yes, our breakup was healthy and so is the recovery process-not easy, but healthy). i know that even if i met the perfect person to spend the rest of my life with tomorrow, i could not go off and be with that person right now because i need time to myself for awhile to get to know me as just ME again and not as the girlfriend of--insert name here--...just my $0.02.
Sounds to me like you are living in La-La Land. If you are seriously thinking of going after someone else, it's very selfish to keep your current man strung along and in the dark. Look at it like this: If you are unhappy, you deserve to find someone who will make you happy. Your current man needs to find someone he can be happy with as well and the same goes for your side guy. You are stringing along your current man and are basically just going through the motions because you don't have the guts to tell him what is going on. Your side guy can't have all of you because you are withholding yourself to play the part of the good girlfriend with your actual boyfriend. Bottom line: The relationship you are in currently will not last because you've already moved on. Right now, you are just looking for a way out. The side guy is convenient and a good excuse, but he might also just be the rebound. Plus, you are building him up so much in your mind right now to escape your reality with your boyfriend, that you will inevitably be disappointed by your side guy when he becomes the main man. It's kind of like when you just keep expecting all these grandiose wonderful things in a person that you forget that they are human and have flaws. Stop being selfish, let your man go, suck it up, and think things through a little better next time. Just my opinion. Good luck in whatever you choose.
