Hey. I know this is typical rhyming poetry...so please don't give me shit about it. Anyhow, I am trying to tap into a bit of writing ability. I can write great short stories but I want to work on poetry and songwriting as well. This poem is about a girl, obviously named Melissa, who really comforted me like no one else through a stage I went through of just complete depression. I was fighting with my mom, having trouble controling my anger, having ridicolous thoughts about suicide, and the whole teenage "i hate the world" problem, but I guess it's good to get it outta the way early. Through it all though, she was somewhat of an energy release for me and someone I could tell everything to and know at the same time that she wouldn't waste time thinking it wasn't normal but instead, helping me and talking about it. I don't think i could ever repay her for how much she helped me but I wanted to try and express myself a bit so I chose writing. Well, I really would like to show her the poem, but I decided to show you guys to give a bit of honest input on it...perhaps some suggestions on what I could improve. Any input is really appreciated. Melissa The day I met you- I found a friend And a joy- I hope to never end. Always there when I turned around- Your heart and love open- All selfishness thrown to the ground. Your compassion eased my battered mind. Your love aways there- Powerful as the ocean's tide. If we were to be torn apart- And sepearted by many miles- I'll always have a gift to hold on to- My memory of your smile. For this is something that no one can take. And my love for you- God couldn't break. And if they even dared to dry I would not be shaken But I'd look into your eyes. For I know they show everything I wish to say But can't Atleast not today. Maybe someday you will grasp How much you did To numb the past. For this was something even I couldn't do- No one else bothered. No one but you.
it's alright.... my first question is .... how long have you been writing poetry?? and just some input.... sometimes rhyming poems feel a little forced...... true poetry comes from the heart. . . . . no matter if they rhyme or not.... but the main question you have to ask yourself is... does it convey to you (or your subject) how you really feel. . . dont worry about critics if it means a lot to you none the less it's alright
i agree with court lew, but if you want some criticism, i have some for ya. the main thing i noticed with the poem is the inconsistensy of line length (not necessarily the actual length of the lines, but the number of syllables). it causes it to not flow as well as it could
I liked it it had alot of soul.. its simplicity would make it into a good song, write some chords with it... one thing ive learned is that its not neccessary to ryhme in poetry, let your soul fly anyway it comes out. i like the "powerful as the ocean's tide"
thanks man, i really like that thing in your sig...never heard of the guy but it's really cool sounding.
For a first poem i must give you much praise...... from that poem i can tell you have a lot of potential to accomplish great works someday.... stick with it. by the way id like your input on some of mine if you get a chance....http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=108045 thanks
Its really sweet. I mean to really appreciate someone like that.im sure if she read it she would really really like it. I mean the thought you put into it ...everything.... its okay that it doesnt have many words or anything, Its really considerate. I wish someone would write me a sweet poem like that. I really think you should give it to her, because you can never relive the moments you wrote a poem. at the time you wrote it you felt everything you said, and that means so much
