Thinking about this certain emptiness..

Its been two years now since my last real relationship. Two fucking years! It ended on a bad note, so I honestly havent had the interest in jumping back into one. It took me a long time to get over the broken heart. And I have had a lot of good times with my bros. Times I will never forget. I have travelled, moved to florida, and gotten fucked up so many times with so many different people. Some great times I would never regret or take away. Recently though I have started to yearn for that feeling again. The late night walks, talks, feeling deeply connected to someone. The passion, the laughs, comforting her, etc. When I was with this girl, there were many times I didn't want to drink or smoke, because I wanted to absorb every moment with her. She didn't really smoke or drink, so it wasn't really something we could enjoy together. Thats a whole different topic.. I would love to find a girl I could do that stuff with. Anyway, after we broke up I started drinking HEAVILY to try and numb the pain. After some time has passed, I am back to "myself", meaning I like to drink for fun, although I don't do it nearly as much. Celebration of friendship and life, with friends. So I guess naturally I am going to want to find a new love, only this time I want someone who loves me back with the same magnitude. And even though it would be nice to find this now, it is not something you can force or rush, so I am in no rush. Well I am now about to take a job as a mechanic, which is what I have been doing mainly since I graduated high school. So, 5 years give or take. I am also continuing with my degree.. somehow I have made it to right under senior standing for a biology degree. So basically.. between working in an auto/truck shop (not the best industry to meet women..), classes, and spending time at night smoking and occasionally drinking, I am probably fucked. There are a lot of other facets to my life, I read, surf, snowboard, take my dog to the park, etc. But it just seems like my life can't accomodate meeting OR getting to know someone. Fuck, who knows. I guess that is why they call it life. The big stuff takes its own course, and its own time.

Sorry this thread doesn't really have a solid point, I just felt like posting it. Maybe someone can relate.

 

I hear ya, man.

I was in a relationship about 2 and a half years ago that ended badly, and I'm still not over it. Actually, I can't even call it a relationship. We only dated about 2 months.

This girl was the most amazing girl I've ever met. I think it really was love at first site. She was everything I ever wanted in a girl, I had never been so excited as I was after I had met her.

Things were going good for 2 months, then suddenly she stopped calling for a week, and when she finally did, it was the "we should see other people" speech. I was devastated. Like I said, it was only 2 months, not a long amount of time, but to me, every moment we spent together was like magic. I was head over heels for that girl. What made it worse was that she acted like she was too. Calling me every night for 3 hours at a time, spending every weekend together, and telling me how lucky she was to have met me and what did she do to deserve me. She had even mentioned going away for new years just 2 weeks before she dumped me (in JUNE). I'm pretty much over her now. I still miss her and think about her, but now I just fondly remember the times we had and wonder how she's doing. It doesn't hurt like it used to, I know she's gone and that's it.

The thing about it that's really effecting me still is that I consider her to be the one that got away. I've dated girls since then, but none of them has compared to her. I'll go out with them for a while, but I know right on the first date that I'll be moving on eventually. Sometimes I feel that I'll never be truly happy, because I'll never find a woman that I can feel that strongly about.

It's actually changed the person that I am. I'm now extremely non-commital when it comes to women, and I have this internal struggle going on where the nice guy that I am is fighting the guy that justs wants to use women for sex. I had never thought of women as playthings before, but now I kind of do. Well I shouldn't say "use" for sex. It's not just about me getting off. I just enjoy women, and now I find that I would rather enjoy many of them instead of just one. I'm still the same nice guy, just now my motives might be a bit darker.

It's hard to explain.


It's as if something inside me just shut off after the breakup. Sometimes I feel like I'm broken, or at least badly damaged. And I don't know if this can ever be repaired.

It also makes me very angry to think that someone could effect me this way. It feels like in exchange for those 2 months of happiness, I have to live with a lifetime of unhappiness.

edit: I was a bit drunk when I wrote this. Looking at it sober makes me feel like a whiny little bitch.

 

I know what you mean - some people need someone else to complete them.

I mean, they can be nearly complete - healthy, secure etc people. It's just that little bit missing.

Blessings

Sebbi