Lighthearted battle of the sexes thread

For this thread, only lighthearted sexist jokes are welcome.

Nothing gross or vile.

Nothing that makes light of domestic violence.

No racism.

But joking on the foibles of gender----- let it begin.

 

why did god create men?

because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

(still my favorite after all these years.)

 

why did god create woman second?


because nobody gets it right the first time.

(im sure everyones heard that stupid joke but its the only one i know)

 

why are men so stupid?

because otherwise they wouldn't like women

ones that insult both sexes are fun

 

This is a thread where all the spam I get from my step-mother will come in handy!


When Michael found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three
days later, she became his stepmother.

 

In the spirit of insulting both:

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily.But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the dang phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers.

 

Why are women such lousey carpenters?

Because all their lives they have been told that
/--------------------------/ is eight inches.

 

Lol

 

What do birthdays, toilets bowls and clitorises have in common?

Men miss them all.

 

Ah Ha!

 

How Dogs and Men Are the Same:

Both take up too much space on the bed
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both are threatened by their own kind
Both like to chew wood
Both mark their territory
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
Both fart shamelessly
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
Both are suspicious of the postman
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone
Neither understands what you see in cats
Neither tells you whats bothering them

 

Here are some lines women can use to counteract those tacky chat-up lines used by men.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

 

The Lost Chapter of Genesis
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make,
and she will not nag you.
She will always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children,
and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely
give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................

 

Wot do tits and trainsets have in common?

They are both meant to be for kids.....but you'll be damned if yer can get Dad to stop playing with 'em

 

mwahahh mwahahahah mwahahahahahahahahhahahahaha

 

This really sucked.

 

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three inds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After Fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" questioned the son. "Yes, see them and they make you cry." the father explained. This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter asked, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiles and looks at the daughter answering: "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" asked the daughter. "Yes, it's dead from the root up, the balls are for decoration only and you only want it once a year."

 

Jedi throws a punch at all the female fighters here...

haha i beat you up! .

 

it's just some joking green. it's supposed to be a lighthearted thread, try to have a lighter heart mmk?

 

haha exactly and as for the joke lol its from a site