Painful times in life WANT FEEDBACK!!

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by SadieRain, Nov 11, 2005.

  1. SadieRain

    SadieRain Member

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    Im lost in my world
    But thats ok
    I like it better here anyway
    Cause your not here to turn it black
    your not here
    to change it back
    When we met my world got bright
    When you left it got lost
    It got red when we would fight
    I walked out that night
    To save my sanity baby
    To save my world
    I want you to love me
    I want you once again
    I need you to touch me
    I scarficed my mind to be with you
    I scarficed my world to love you

    Most of my writings were written durring a really hard time in my life well 2 of them 1-foster care 2-the only person i ever loved thats y they might sound kinda alike

    Its like a cage
    You visit everyday
    I watch out the window
    I watched you drive away
    You leave me here
    Everyday
    You left me here to rot
    I would of ended it
    But the fear of what you would say
    And how no one would care
    The idea of how much that would hurt
    If i would be alive to hear
    She kept saying what would God say
    I told her God doesnt care
    I told her God isnt here
    Marilyn Manson blasting in my ears
    So I wont hear her prey
    So i wont hear my sister cry tonight
    So I can sleep tonight
    I dremt about my own room
    My own bed
    My own life
    I dremt about burning this place to the ground
    Watching the flames rise around it
    It hurts knowing when i wake up
    Everything will be the same
    And you'll visit
    And leave us here to cry
    Leave us here to die

    Feedback is always wanted!

     
  2. jojoeyes

    jojoeyes kinda high

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    i was stuck looking at the little .GIF in ur signature, im stoned and was quite mezmerized. i'll answer this thread correctly tommorow.
     
  3. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

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    Unfortunately poetry is by far my weakest subject. I generally miss the mark, but I related to the bit with Marilyn Manson blasting in your ears, because I've got a problem with mine, which is why I live in the countryside:)
     
  4. pinkfloyd13

    pinkfloyd13 Member

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    take it to the poetry forum duuude
     
  5. veinglory

    veinglory Member

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    You have some nice turns of phrase and rhythms but I strongly suggest spellchecking and usings basical punctuation (apostrophes etc). Then you might consider either firming up the cadence and rhyme scheme or letting them go more towards free verse rather than something partway between the two.
     
  6. deep_poet86

    deep_poet86 Member

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    Very nice. Sad and sweet at the same time.
     
  7. SadieRain

    SadieRain Member

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    it was all just random stuff i wrote down weather it rymes or not didnt matter at the time lol its just a shit load of emotions put into 1 and the spelling and punctuation once again didnt matter i just copyed it from where i wrote it bad spelling and all!
     
  8. dlo24844

    dlo24844 Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

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    Strawberry Fields Forever
     
  9. aarn321

    aarn321 Member

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    poems are fun.

    post count + 1
     
  10. jojoeyes

    jojoeyes kinda high

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    what?
     
  11. Keramptha

    Keramptha Senior Member

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    i found it really painful.... or maybe its reflecting my pain..agrhhhh.. defientely effectice anyway. thanks for sharing
     

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