I posted this in the Health forum but only got one response. I'm hoping to find someone who has had to deal with something similar... So I've got this problem...well a few actually...and I cant seem to help myslef. I'll try not to ramble, but here goes - I have an uncontrolable eating problem. I eat fatty foods like my life depends on it. I dont even think about it sometimes, I just eat. And when I get full, I still eat. Almost 6 years ago (same time I started going out with my boyfriend) is when my issues arised. At that time I was thin and in pretty good shape. But I had the self esteem of a rock and when I looked in the mirror I saw a fat girl. I basically stopped eating. Every now and then I would eat but not too often. So I lost some weight and was even thinner but still felt so gross. I went off to college and ended up coming home after one semester because I was very depressed and things werent going right. I started eating again, eating a lot. At the time I didnt think it was an issue because my boyfriend helped assure me I wasnt "gross" and whatnot, but I ended up gaining tons of weight. Throughout these past 5 years I have been on and off bulimic. Like, I would eat and eat and eat and keep it in, then after gaining about 10 pounds I would keep eating that much but throw it up and lose the 10 pounds I just gained. It was a pretty bad cycle and I didnt lose any weight. I havent done that anymore because the last time I did, which was probably the beginning of this year, I threw up some blood and it freaked me out pretty bad. So basically since then I have just been eating a lot and gaining more weight. And its funny because I look the way I thought I did when I really was thin!! Its like my punishment for not loving myself. I feel so unhealthy!!! It sux. And I cant tell you how badly I want to eat good and exercise and be healthy but I just cant get myself to do it. I swear its not just me being lazy. I mean I can be lazy sometimes but its more than that. This has been an ongoing struggle for years. I feel like theres some inner thing going on with me but i dont know what it is. I am going to purchase a nice exercise bike and get back into yoga but I dont know if thats gonna do it. I have this book called Living in the Light and theres a chapter called Your Perfect Body and it says that some women fear that by becoming slim, they will be too sexually attractive and are afraid of attracting unwanted energy and dont trust themselves to know how to deal with it...feeling too vulnerable and not knowing how to protect themselves and that these women can diet forever and not lose weight because they are unconsciously needing it. Now I'm not saying this applies to me, but it could be possible? I had some intense sexual "things" happen to me when I was little and back when I was thin I had stupid guys try to do things to me and stuff, and I mean I would never want that to happen again but can that really be why I'm keeping myself from losing weight?? Does anyone know what else it could be? Or have any of you had to deal with something similar. Please let me know I am dying here...
Is there anyone in real life you could talk to? Depending on how helpful they might be, I would suggest talking to your parents, asking them to help you find help (but don't bother if they would just go into denial!). Some people in the right circumstances can deal with these things on their own, but most need some kind of help (even the ones who could have dealt with it on their own if they were in the right circumstances need help if the circumstances are not right -- so don't read that as though I were suggesting you're not as strong as anyone else who has dealt with this). As for the reason, that would probably be something to discuss with a psychologist. If you are gaining weight to protect yourself from unwanted advances, how do you reconcile that with your near anorexic behavior before leaving for college? Was there something that would have triggered you to want to protect yourself around that time (even just a really traumatic memory that you hadn't thought of in a while)? Or might it be more easily linked to the depression? And, well, another reason I suggest talking to a doc is because there may be a lot more going on... I saw a really interesting show (discovery channel, so I don't know how accurate all of it is) that talked about the stuff going on in the brains of anorexics and bulemics -- like the way different parts of the brain function, sending off too many or not enuf of certain neurochemicals... One of the interesting one was this chain of events that would essentially shut off the flow of the chemical/hormone/whatever that would trigger appetite -- maybe for some reason you're getting too much of this... I don't know nearly enuf to offer you any clear suggestion as to what is going on with you... But if you find a good doctor, hopefully s/he will be able to help. Good luck!
You should PM me if you want to continue talking about this... Anyway, the first thing you have to do I think is ask yourself, inside if you feel like you have a problem, like an eating disorder. If you can admit you do, the next step definitely would be to search for a good therapist, I think. The problem often is people will go to one or two therapists thinking that it's not going to help, because I truly believe there is a right therapist for everyone, you just have to look around to find that person. Also, I'd strongly recommend checking into if there are any therapists around your area that specialize in eating disorders. Psychiatrists/psychologists, from MY experience aren't much help. They are more technical, and book smart than they are anything else. There is a different solution for everyone I think. Mine was going vegan, I didn't INTENTIONALLY do that, I went vegan and it just helped me a whole fucking lot, totally by accident, lol. But, like I said, everyone is different. Yoga and such may help a lot of people, but it's not for everyone. I tried that too, and it didn't help me with my eating problems. ANYWAY---this isn't really what you're asking for, if I gathered everything so you should really PM me. I would really love to be of some sort of assistance, I've been through a lot with eating disorders and recently recovered. At least PM me to let me know that you read this. Take care, and I hope things get better for you. <3
I think, Nicky, you are on to something. Do you instinctually know that there is more of an issue underlying all of this, not only the eating problem, but also the 'laziness' that seems inevitable? In my experience, discovering more about this underlying issue is becomes much more probable when you make the intention to do so. Sit down with yourself and decide to find out what's going on--what's happening with you? As things unfold and you start to understand, don't be attached to the outcome (being 'to lose weight' or whatever). It's like enlightenement: if you're attached to getting there, then you'll never get there because it's a matter of realizing you're already there, and that there isn't any treasure at the end of the path. I hope you're being gentle with yourself. Take care...
Yes, and sometimes there is a reason for that chemical imbalance which can be shifted psychically. (When I say 'psychially,' I'm saying what most people think they mean when they say 'psychologically.' the 'ology' part of that word basically means 'the study of,' and I mean the psyche, not the study of the psyche.)
