mama's of college kids

I need some advice pretty badly. Sorry, this is going to be kind of long.

I'm a senior going through all of the college stuff, and I pretty much feel like a failure and am treated as such by my parents. My parents are the really overbearing type who have always expected me to go to Harvard, meet a rich Jewish doctor, be CEO of a company, and lead some perfect fantasty life. Well, I blew my Harvard chances my freshman year of high school and there really hasn't been a week since then that my dad hasn't reminded me of "what I could have been".

Now that I'm deciding on college to apply to, my parents have basically set a limit that if it's not prestigious enough, that I won't be allowed to apply there. While I have good grades and all of that, I really don't know if I can get into the schools my parents have their hearts set on for me (mainly Brandeis, NYU, William and Mary, and UNC). The mere thought of a rejection letter kills me- not really for me, but for what my parents will say.

The past few weeks have every day been a battle where my dad tells me I'm underestimating myself (when I tell him for the 300th time that an admissions counselor would have to be drunk to admit me into Berkeley, UPenn, or Brown), my dad screaming at me at why my grades have gotten so horrible (I've had straight A's the past two years taking 2 foreign languages and 8 AP/ IB classes), and about how I have "piss poor planning" on college things. Basically, my life is a nightmare. Whenever I bring up a safety school, my parents won't let me apply because it's not "prestigious" enough.

I know a lot of what my parents say is overblown because they're nervous about their oldest kid and only daughter going away 1000 miles from home to college, but this is getting ridiculous. I also know most of what they do is based on the fact that they feel inadequet of what they've done with their lives. My dad is brilliant, probably could have become a political analyst if he hadn't had to drop out of college to support his mom and siblings. My mom got into UCLA but instead went to a pretty mediocre college near home to screw over my grandpa because it was more expensive and near to my dad. Both never really were able to reach their full potential so they've dedicated their lives to making sure my brother and I are pushed to our limits so we don't make the same mistakes.

Really, the point of all of this is how do I talk to my parents and convince them that I'm on top of things? Every time I try to sit them down and have a rational conversation, one of them starts screaming about something or another, whether it be that they don't like my major (which, unlike most college students, there's very, very, very little chance of me changing since there's absolutely nothing else that interests me as much) or that the colleges I'm applying to are horrible or that they've never heard of a safety school I mention. Normally one of them ends up storming out of the room saying that I shouldn't even bother applying and just work at the local McDonalds. They also get mad because I want to study up north mainly because, as you can see, my house isn't exactly the healthiest environment for me to be around so the farther away the better. I'm just sick of having panic attacks any time anyone mentions college. So yeah, anyone have any advice or ideas of how to calm my parents down?

 

I think the conversation you need to have with your parents isn't just about college, but it's about your parents giving you room to become an adult. They want you to have the responsibility without the rights, and you can't have one without the other. They're putting too much pressure on you, and they're not allowing you to choose your own future. They seem to want the best for you, but they need to realize that if you're not allowed to make your own choices about your future, you're going to be unhappy for the rest of your life.

As for not wanting you to go to school up north, they're just going to have to get over that. You're going to have to move out eventually, and college is stressful enough without having your parents push you so hard.

 

You need to talk to your guidance counselor. She/her might be able to meet with your parents and give them an outside perspective. Like, even though you might not be able to go to Harvard (really, that's not a bad thing-a school is a school) there are still some great schools out there for you. Maybe she/her could tell your parents that just because you aren't going to be able to apply to these fancy schools, it doesn't mean you've failed.

 

Man that situation has got to suck like a hoover going full chat. Your parents seem too overbearing on your life. By the sounds of things they are wanting to make up for their own inadquacies. I have seen kids like you get pushed by their parents like that. They really need to cut you some slack and let you develop your own interests. I am lucky to come from a home where I was allowed to follow my own path with the support of my parents. You really need to get your parents to see your side of the story. That guidance councelor that sugrmag sugested is a very good idea. Hopefully this councilor would make your parents see sense. The other alternative is to tell them the concequence of their actions. They are actually doing more harm than good. Putting that kind of pressure on you is unfair and is detrimental to your mental health. You only have to look at the statistic of self harm and suicide to realise that cultures that put too much emphasis on kids acheiving too much to realise there is something going on.
Matt

 

okay....You want to know how I got my mom off my back? She wanted *THE BEST* for her oldest, her only daughter, her pride and joy with so much potential...And I wanted something based on other standards.

I just told her that I would offer to front all the loans and payments if I got into a school that I liked and she didn't. Basically, whatever financial aid wouldn't pay for, I would take loans out for. When you're willing to front the bill yourself, it shows how serious you are about taking control. Tell them that if taking their help means taking their abuse and criticism, you'd rather get your education without it.

I mean, many a young student have gone through college piss-poor, living off of 5-boxes-a-dollar mac and cheese (without butter or milk) just to get through uni that no one else will pay for. They're young, determined, brilliant, and passionate about what they want, so much so that any sacrifice is worth it. They go to not the best, most expensive schools, but they make the most of their time in class, their books, their study sessions and come out on top. It's not all what university you go to that determines your future, it's also your drive.

Let your parents know that what you give up in prestige, you can gain in lower prices, smaller class sizes, more passionate and student-aware professors, and majors that are tailored to YOUR specific educational wants/needs. I know of plenty of prestiguous doctors, lawyers, and company CEOs that went to not-so-well-known universities and STILL became major contendors. Don't let your parents bully you. This is YOUR education, hon. Show them that. They can't live vicariously through you forever.

 

Sooorry! The second I hit enter I realized I did that and that's one of my biggest pet peeves too. I'm retarded

I do want to go to a school with lots of prestige if possible, that's not the problem. The fact that the colleges I'm applying to aren't Ivy Leagues is the problem. I mean, I'm applying to Brandeis, NYU, William and Mary, Colgate, UNC- all very prestigious schools, but since they're not in the top 10, my parents seem to think I'm going to end up in a low paying (which, to them, lowpaying is anything under 80K after 10 years in the field). My dad wants me to apply to schools like Northwestern and Harvard and UCLA. My dad also doesn't seem to get that I want a certain kind of atmosphere- preferably a small, liberal, politically active bunch. He seems to think that I'd be perfectly happy somewhere like UGA or University of Miami or places like that.

The thing about the money is that the only things my parents are paying for is transportation to and from whatever college I go to, and even that I could do on my own because I've saved a ton of money just in case something like this happened. My grandfather is paying for anything that financial aide doesn't cover, and since I'm in a low income family (my mom will make less than $10,000 this year and my dad has been laid off and unemployed for 3 years) and I have worked hard for my grades, I should get plenty of financial aide and scholarships. I've already applied for about 20 scholarships and have a few old ones from 4H competitions and such. Even if I didn't have that money to back me up, I'd rather go into 100K in student loan debt than go to a school that didn't suit me perfectly. Less expensive schools like state schools just aren't going to do it for me. Maybe if I was in a different state, like California or Massachusetts, but Georgia state schools are on the whole the polar opposite of who I want to be around for college.

I finally convinced my parents to let me apply to one safety school, but if I don't get in to anywhere that I want to go, I'm going to Spain. My parents claim they'll stop me but there's a program in Spain from an American based college that has a permanent campus there that's not only less than half the cost of any other college I'm applying to but also it's a permanent school in Spain (not just study abroad) for 2 years. The problem there is my mom- she claims it will be "too hard on her" since I'll basically be there from August to May, not coming home over winter.

All my life my parents have both had various mental problems- my mom is bipolar and my dad has pretty severe depression. Both have refused medication or treatment for it, as well as for me, and so their judgement in many ways is somewhat clouded. The sad thing is, my parents used to be complete hippies, just as soon as they had me, they stopped going to Dead concerts or to see Pink Floyd and became the parents they always claimed they never wanted to be.

 

Note- UCLA and NYU are roughly in the same level of prestige. They both normally only accept freshman applications that are or are higher than 3.5 or 3.6. Usually higher. A lot of people apply to those schools. I only know this because I had a friend in high school who graduated top of his class, and applied for all of these schools. One of those people who got amazingly close to getting into MIT right out of high school, and didn't understand how amazing that was. He acted like his safety net, RPI, was like going to Joe Schmo's School of Underwater Basket Weaving. He's gotten better, though. And I'm sure he's really happy at RPI.

Anyway, if your parents aren't paying, than why are they getting any say at all? I mean, I hate to be harsh, but if you're going to spend a huge amount of your own money on something like college, than your parents have no right to tell you what to do with it.

Have you given any thought as to what you want to study?

 

I'm not paying it myself except for what I can earn from scholarships and what I can get in financial aide- my grandfather is paying. However, I'm constantly living on the edge with my parents saying that if they disagree with my college choices that they will talk my grandfather out of paying. Not to mention my grandfather doesn't agree with my choice area of study and is EXTREMELY tempermental so I'm walking a tightrope with that. Plus, I think every kid yearns for their parents' approval. I've NEVER gotten approval from my parents. My junior year I was balancing a courseload of all academics, 4 AP classes, and 2 foreign languages and managed to get all A's. I was pretty happy with myself and showed my dad my report card, and he kind of scoffed and pointed out that I "only" got a 91 in AP Spanish language and he how he didn't understand how I was letting my grades fall like that. -.- Just for once in my life I REALLY want approval from my family.

For me, its not so much about the prestige of my safety schools- it's all about the atmosphere. I'm only applying to one safety school (which still costs the same amount as my most prestigious schools -.-) because the other average safety schools people apply to in state would cause me to jump off a cliff. Huge party schools (like UGA and Georgia Southern), classes with 700 or more people in them (the colleges I really want to go to don't even have 700 in the freshman class), and just not the type of place I'd like to spend even a year. There also aren't community colleges in my area, and I don't have a car nor plan to buy a car anyway.

I'm going to be dual majoring in Latin American studies or Hispanic/Spanish studies (depending on what the school offers) and international relations or political science with a international focus (again, depending on what they offer). I plan on going to grad school or do a 5 year masters program during undergrad and then on to law school. My family thinks I'm several shades of retarded for focusing on Latin America rather than the middle east or China... and I've spent many nights arguing with just about everyone in my extended family about it.

I honestly can't do anything right in their eyes. My parents and grandparents are all disappointed. I really only have 2 family members that I can trust to not make me feel like complete crap but they're both in their 40s with a family and a business to run and don't have time to deal with a angsty 17 year old's problems.