Help with a sexless marriage

I got married 3 months ago after a 2.5 year engagement. Our sex life over the past 1.5 years has gone from bad to worse. She has been on zoloft and birth control for 4 years. Our sex life was great at first; she initiated it, watched dirty movies on her own, had regular orgasms, and life was good.

We have had sex twice since getting married, both on our honeymoon at my request. We've had sex about 8 times in the past year. She has always blamed it on medicine, school, being busy, etc. I have always been romantic and have tried weekend getaways, regular flowers, buying her sexy outfits, and everything else I can think of. I have told her that I would be happy with once or twice a month, which I think is reasonable.

I asked her to switch antidepressants, which she did.....for one day. I tried talking to her about it, but she says that she feels like sex is all I want and that if I would quit bothering her, it might improve. I have completely avoided anything sexual for the past 2 months, and nothing has improved. She gets angry when I try to talk to her and says that I should just be happy being with her. She has refused to talk to her doctor, seek advice from friends, read anything, or do anything at all to improve this problem. This is making me extremely depressed and I find myself worrying about it constantly. I don't want to be doomed to a sexless marriage, but I can't imagine going on like this. I would rather never have sex again than leaver her, so I really feel stuck.

My next move is counseling for me because she refuses to come with me. Am I being unreasonable?

 

she owes it to you to go to counseling WITH you. that's the least she can do if she loves you. in my biased opinion, you have done absolutely nothing warranting the label of unreasonable, so don't think of getting laid once a year as being unreasonable to HER. i also think her arguments of "if you love me you'll be happy enough just being with me" should not stand any ground--that's absurd. if sex was ever a major part of the relationship then you need to find out where and why it went wrong. then fix it. i'd say counseling will work wonders. she must go with you--she has no choice, "if she loves you."

by the way, antidepressants take many weeks to begin working properly so her switching for one day is the stupidest thing i've ever heard. are you both depressed or what? depression can totally mess up your sex life. if she's always "busy," then she sure as hell isn't depressed because depressed people don't like to do anything--it's called "anhedonia."

head up. foot strong. take your wife with you to the therapist and accept no alternative.

 

I recomend that you go for counseling. I'm currently going through a divorce because of similar issues (anti-depresents + no sex).

You wanting sex is normal.
What is her responce when you say "sex is important to me"? Does she think she can ignore things that are important to you? Or does she think that sex shouldn't be important to you?

In either case, a professional's help can be useful.
You might try scheduling sex, every Wed. or whenever.

You should also consider whether this is the only problem in your marriage.

I hope it works out for you better than it did for me.

 

....

 

depressed people sometimes stay busy to avoid other issues, that is not unheard of....it is true that certain anti depressants can stifle sex drive. you sound really dedicated to the relationship and I think your ideas of where to go from here are sound decisions. counseling at this point sounds like a good idea. I agree with purplegel that she needs counseling too, but it needs to be her decision to go. Maybe if you start off going, she will agree to go too eventually.

you are not being unreasonable, from what you posted here.

 

I also think that you are being more than reasonable. I also recommend scheduling sex, if your wife will allow you too.

Try counselling, but it will be near impossible to achieve much if your wife wife doesn't go with you. I personally believe that a partner who drags a relationship down to a level of indifferent sex or no sex is not showing love, they are showing selfishness.

I have always had regular sex with my wife, but I was tired of always taking the lead, being innovative and attempting to compensate for her lack of obvious passion. In the end, when I threatened to end our marriage or have an affair (her choice) it certainly improved things.

I don't recommend threats like mine, unless you know what the outcome is likely to be. But, for me, the best thing I ever did was put it right on the line. Again, I cannot stress enough that what I did was dangerous. But by that stage I was prepared to leave for better sex so I figured I had nothing to lose.

 

If Sex is not important to her then why would she mind if you were still married to her but having sex with someone else?
I'm not making fun of the situation and am serious.
If she objects to it-then ask her why she will not have it on a Regular basis as most couples do?
Twice a month is totally lame. Sex is something that is a wonderful thing and is not when it is used as a form or power or abuse.
Also, ask yourself why your putting yourself thru this? It sounds like the relationship is not working for either of you.

What are YOU getting out of this relationship?

 

.....

 

Regular exercise helps tremendously. Do you both need anti-depresants ?

have you tried smoking marajuana instead ?

Boot the pills, take a pause from drinking, exercise and loose weight.

You are young enough to start over. ( plan B. ) Thank god there are no kids.

Of course we have only heard your side of the story.

 

Find a piece of ass on the side. = For the next 80 years.

 

Yeah...maybe hes just really bad in bed and she got tired of putting up with it.
A new woman m-i-g-h-t fix that..or it could end in a life long cycle.

 

i've seen this thread before - at least you could have changed a few words

 

well, we're assuming that he's telling the truth about being really nice and supportive and not hounding her about her sex drive and not degrading or deriding her in any way. though it's been my experience that the women i've known tend to not want to have sex with someone who makes them feel bad. nor do they want to cook or clean for someone who makes them feel like shit. counseling sounds like the best option for both of them. he may be blind to his own fault in this situation, which tends to happen quite a lot.

 

you should go to counseling together but it is selfish to expect her to change medications. her mental health is more important than your penis. just a huge pet peeve of mine I was on paxil for about 6 months a few years ago and got so pissed because my bf at the time wanted me to go off of it just so I would be horny. He would bug the crap out of me always grabbing me and shit I felt pressured all the time, which made me feel even less horny. so just lay off and don't bring it up for awhile

 

god you should be a therapist KC perfectly articulated. WOMEN DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH MEN THAT MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE SHIT oh my god who would have thought?

 

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I have the same sort of problem but I am the female. I am the one hearing from him reasons why we can't have sex tonight. He tells me that when I nag him about it, it feels like a chore. So I don't really have any advice for you. I am just letting you know that I feel your pain. I am very sexual, but would also rather never have sex again than to leave this guy.
Hope it works out for you!

 

No matter the person's condition, having a 'complete' marriage also includes physical involvement, and if that area lacks, then either it needs to be dealt with through counseling, changing of meds, and if changes aren't made, you should not have to suffer....it would probably be time to get out of the marriage, sorry to say.

 

"if she ain't fucking you, dump her!" lol. we all suffer every day in relationships. i've been trying to teach my husband to carry his dishes to the sink for 7 years but the lesson isn't taking. maybe i should get a divorce. after all, his littering the entire house with his laundry and his absolute refusal to change his bad habits is very distressing to me. it smacks ofa deep disrespect for my position in our marriage.

jeez. with everything i've heard here, it's not wonder the divorce rate is so high. everyone just skips out as soon as possible. that's just plain selfish laziness. the woman has a mental imbalance for fuck's sake.

 

IMO--

this is the last thing you should do. if you're not having enough sex, and that's a big problem for you, it's not going to get any better by ignoring it. if she plans on staying on a drug for as long as either of you care to plan, and that drug produces effects that frusterate you, it's not going to get much better. she needs to feel the same way you do about sex, or it'll just turn into a bored game for her of 'i wonder if he'll bug me about sex today,' and you'll always be left feeling like sex is some guilty pleasure that you should always keep at bay. if she refuses to change the way she feels about sex after counceling, maybe she should find someone with less of a sex drive and you should find someone more passionate. however, it brings up the point of exactly how much sex means to you, but if it gets to be that frusterating, it may outweigh your love for her and leave you both wanting someone else anyway.

 

I thought of something that might help.
You mention anti-depressants. Was her depression dignosed by a General Practitioner or by a specialist? A lot of people, including my ex, are (were) on anti-depresants because of mis-diagnosis by their GP. If she is mis-diagnosed, a change in medication may be in order, which would bring a whole new set of side effects.