Help with sexless marriage

I got married 3 months ago after a 2.5 year engagement. Our sex life over the past 1.5 years has gone from bad to worse. She has been on zoloft and birth control for 4 years. Our sex life was great at first; she initiated it, watched dirty movies on her own, had regular orgasms, and life was good.

We have had sex twice since getting married, both on our honeymoon at my request. We've had sex about 8 times in the past year. She has always blamed it on medicine, school, being busy, etc. I have always been romantic and have tried weekend getaways, regular flowers, buying her sexy outfits, and everything else I can think of. I have told her that I would be happy with once or twice a month, which I think is reasonable.

I asked her to switch antidepressants, which she did.....for one day. I tried talking to her about it, but she says that she feels like sex is all I want and that if I would quit bothering her, it might improve. I have completely avoided anything sexual for the past 2 months, and nothing has improved. She gets angry when I try to talk to her and says that I should just be happy being with her. She has refused to talk to her doctor, seek advice from friends, read anything, or do anything at all to improve this problem. This is making me extremely depressed and I find myself worrying about it constantly. I don't want to be doomed to a sexless marriage, but I can't imagine going on like this. I would rather never have sex again than leaver her, so I really feel stuck.

My next move is counseling for me because she refuses to come with me. Am I being unreasonable?

 

O...kay.

 

I wonder what made her depressed.

 

So sorry to hear that you're having problems so soon in your marriage but it also sounds like you really love this woman. I see two problems right away - the biggest one is the antidepressant she is taking. Why is she depressed. I love the way doctors treat symptoms and ignore the actual disease or cause.

The second problem could be her self-image. Is your girlfriend overweight? Having gained almost 100 pounds with my last baby I know what it's like to feel totally "unsexy" because of extra pounds. Does she exercise? I know it sounds crazy but when you exercise regularly you are kind of proud of yourself, you know, you want to show off your flat stomach and lean muscles. It's also possible that she might have another lover.

I've been married to my soul mate for 14 years and our sex life is incredible although it was not always like that. When I was fat I felt totally unattractive and even though my hubby always made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world...I knew he was in love with a fat woman. I just didn't feel sexy because when I looked in the mirror I was appalled and disgusted by the extra weight.

Not wanting intimacy is a symptom of something much deeper and it is up to you whether or not this lady is important enough and if you love her enough to wait it out, keep on loving her and maybe she'll come around. But, meanwhile, you're out there in the world, horny and in need of intimacy.

So, I guess my advise is to search your heart, talk alot with her, examine her self-image. You've got to find the real problem before you can address the answer and then you'll have to decide how important sex is to you.

You're a special guy, to put up with little or no sex - most men would take their toy & hit the road, or find sex somewhere else on the side, and that would be a shame.

I truly believe that love can be victorious - it's up to you and your mate to find that out for yourselves by working through this problem together without arguing about it.
If the love is there....it will shine through and the love light will turn itself on.

 

All of the above plus Sertraline (Zoloft) can have a number of adverse effects, including insomnia, asthenia, gastrointestinal complaints, tremors, confusion, dizziness, anorgasmia, and decreased libido

 

***This is making me extremely depressed and I find myself worrying about it constantly. I don't want to be doomed to a sexless marriage, but I can't imagine going on like this. I would rather never have sex again than leaver her, so I really feel stuck.***

if you yourself said that u would rather live without sex then leave, why this thread?
I have had guys claim they were romancing me...while kissing my neck and putting hands everywhere trying to get me in the mood for sex. When it didn't work they got upset, walked off complaining, and would lock themselves in bedroom with their toys. Obviously they confuse romance with foreplay.

the weight issue: if she is over-weight and ya make any comments at music videos, girls in ANY magazine, or stare at girls in grocery stores then she might think that you will start to think she ain't pretty enough.

sex great at beginning: hey kids will play for hrs with a new christmas toy but by valentines day that toy is lost, broken or gone. The newness goes away with most things.

 

It's the zoloft.

 

SHE NOT GETTING LOVIN




BUMMER MAN I COULDNT HELP BUT YOU ARE BEING TOTALLY RESONABLE

 

Hi George. Got a Fender 6 for xmas.

Run23. May I ask two questions please??
1. Are you Male or Female?
2. What age group?

I'm 44 and been married to the same woman for
17 years. I've learned fact.
If you two do not comunicate, Neither of you will ever get your way.
Start with that.

 

What stuck out in my mind is that she is totally unwilling to do anything herself to remedy the situation...she absolutely refuses to seekany councelling.
I went thru something similar with my second marriage, only to end up talking to his ex and finding out it was a pattern for him. For him, I think he was amorous prior to marriage to seek a relationship and that was what was expected of him. After he got the marriage he wanted he was no longer that interested in sex (every three months if I left it to him)
Face it, some people really don't care for sex all that much for one, two it may very well be her meds but if she isn't willing to seek out reasons or a willingness for change this is what its going to be.
I think you would benefit by going to councelling yourself as you stated you were thinking about at least to resolve this situation within yourself.

ps, This may have been better placed in the Relationships forum.

 

what fucked up advice! My wife and I have been married
7 years, have three children and cant stop lusting over each other.
We both are free to be with others, but never do because we
are so into each other.

The flame doesnt have to die, i hate that shit. We just had a baby
three weeks ago, and didnt last a week before we were jumping
each others bones.

As to the original poster, man just be patient with her, but
always let her know how sacred she is, and that she is
your everything, she will feel sexy regardless.

And the medicine probably isnt helping.

 

I love your unabashed honesty Heron and the way you worship your wife.

I have been married for 5 years and I want my husband more than ever.

I also have taken anti depressants and birth control pills and I have to say it's the drugs.

My husband excepts the fact I am insane so no meds needed and the sex life is great.

 

HUH?
sorry I don't have scientific evidence or any poll results in front of me, but after giving birth to 7 kids and known many people who have been married for yrs longer it seems to be that periods of lustfullness comes & goes for most people. People in a relationship go through different degrees of "lusting over the other" or show their desire in different ways.

If she doesn't want counseling, maybe cuz her sex life is fine in her opinion. I don't see her posting on here. Seeing as he is the one doing the posting then he should go to a counselor. But he already stated in his first post ""I would rather never have sex again than leaver her.""

 

Is her name Joanne?

 

If she doesn't want to go for counseling, go without her. We all go through dry spells, and there are always differences in libido, but this situation sounds extreme.

A counselor can't help her if she doesn't go. However, you are unhappy and a counselor can help you.

 

And I quote:

"If I must be lonely,
I think I'd rather be alone."

I'll withhold advice. But I will say: I totally understand.

 

I can't help thinking that too. If it's not that, then counseling is the way to go, and hopefully she will go too if you go. Never underestimate the power of brain chemicals....and some anti depressants can fuck with that a lot. I have heard welbutrin is one that does not affect libido so much, maybe that would help. (I am not a doctor and do not play one on TV, check with an expert on this please).

The most important sex organ IS the brain, there is truth in that. some people are lucky and don't have these issues, but you sound like a reasonable guy who wants to work things out. wishing you the best.

 

....but he has stated SHE is not willing to do anything including talk to her doctor about it. She is evidently unwilling to change meds with her doctors help...talk to anyone or change this in anyway. Either way I hope you go seek councelling to help you get through this because it sounds like you could use the help of a proffessional to turn this thing around or at least help you get through this.

I'm of the same view as Osiris' post...
"If I must be lonely,
I think I'd rather be alone."

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply, everyone who did so. I'll clarify the meds thing; She has mild anxiety and had 2-3 panic attacks a few years back, so that's when the meds started. The thing is, she was on the zoloft when things were good in the beginning. I guess I don't know if the medicine change its action on you over the course of a few years.

To be honest, I'm fairly sure she doesn't need it, but she is afraid to go off it. As another poster pointed out, my main concern is her total unwillingness to investigate any ways to make the situation better. I think I'm going to try talking her again tonight.

Thanks again. Just talking about it makes things a little better.

 

its either the drugs or shes banging somebody else.

my advice:

go get yourself a hooker and wait it out.