"How can I find hope for tomorrow, when I can't find enough to get me through this day?" Me on a very bad day Even though I posted a brief intro, I thought I would expose myself a bit more here. I'm 45, married, and have three grown kids. (That I've met so far.) I live on a lake in the Mid West, have had three careers (construction worker, surgical technician, radio dj) and enjoy writing, the Internet, and being with my 3 year old grandson. When people ask me where I'm from, I tell them I'm a cultural mongrel. I've been diagnosed with traumatic stress syndrome. The cause? Life! I am a wounded soul seeking healing, who has always felt out of place in reality. I don't suppose I could call myself a for true hippy since I was born on this day in 1960, but I was raised in the turmoil, nurtured by the fall out, and baptized into the church of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll. Then "they" changed the rules. I'm tired of trying to fit in. I feel most normal when I'm askew, so I get comfortably numb every chance I get. Sometimes I am amazed I have made it this far. Sometimes I wonder just how far I can go. Sometimes I feel to tired to go on anymore. Contrary to what you might think though, I'm not all about the negativity. I like most of myself and feel good about the many things I've accomplished. My greatest hope now is to continue to find enlightenment. I hope I can find some here. Can you relate? Peace - Trystn
sounds like a little bit of depression to me, i've been there done that, and i am 58 years old, i kinda went through a mid-life crisis, it's hard getting older, but i've noticed i feel alot better since i found this website and another cool one www.stayhuman.org you might want to check that one out too. i find that the better i take care of myself with nutrition, exercise, meditation and positive thinking, the happier i am. i have learned to do everything in moderation, just a little pot, no hard drugs, and alot of laughter and good company, hey we all get older, but why not do it in a very healthy way? jack la lane is going on 92 and still going strong. good health = happiness angel
Happieness = happieness. I live in nearly constant physical pain and yet stay happy most of the time. I smoked bud when I was a kid but then it got to where it made me puke from the soles of my shoes on up...go figure. My private life revolves around doing what ever in the hell strikes my fancy at the time. A lot of folks kind of think i am a little odd but i don't care because i do what ever it is that makes ME happy and piss on them and sociatal norms. i am not dangerous...just fiercely independent.
Clarify the bud thing. I thinks it cool that other folks do it but it causes me to become volently ill, for real. Something a kin to motion sickness is the best way I can describe it. When the time / space thing comes on and Darwin's little monkeys start dry humping my brain then I start to barf. It's a real drag.
They told me I have PTSD/clinical depression/anxiety disorder/borderline personality disorder/ and a few other babble boo boo's..... I guess my childhood screwed with my head and my nerves. But now, I feel better than I did for alot of years. They had a list of little pills that really were 'supposed' to do me a world of good... But when it came down to it...NOT listening to them was best for me. Getting out of the city was the best thing I ever did. Limiting my exposure to the public and not buying into societies ideals...have kept me sane.I too am labeled strange. Keeps down the riff raff around here. Nothing like imersing yourself in hard work on your own land, laying in a hammock staring at the stars, eating food you just picked, and whitling down all your bills so you can tell the W-4's to kiss your butt...to open up a good place in your head and your heart. I keep my hand in a few things and have become involved at my library, I also have a couple charities I paint for. Until recently I tutored a young man that lived on my road. I listen to my soul, and say 'NO' when things start to overwhelm me. I want to be a strong person, someone my kids can be proud to call "Mom"....so I find my strength in my spirituality and in helping others when I can.
Hey angel. I can dig what you are saying. And you are right, I do suffer bouts of depression off and on. It's actually much better than it used to be. I have lessened the effects over the years by actually embracing it. I mean, you'll never know the pleasure unless you know the pain. And, the height of your joy can be measured by the depths of your sorrow. However, it is no mid-life crisis I face. I've already been through about three of those! hehe You are lucky to live in CA where weed is all but legal. I finally quit early this year due to the ever decreasing sources of trustworthy suppliers, and an ever increasing fear of getting busted. I have a felony stemming from a coke charge 18 years ago. I've only received about five traffic tickets since then, but every time I've been interrogated and harrased about it. Healthy living? I'm certain that would kill me! And with all due respect, that Jack LaLane reference really cracked me up. In summation friend... I respect your thoughts and appreciate your advice, but it was your generation that destroyed many of the positive mores of a once healthy society. I was raised in the fall out of your revolution. I became a victim of those things you created then abandoned once you grew up. At least the society of your formative had something good to pass on to you. I was taught that love is something that hurts, the establishment can't be trusted, capatilism is for the corrupt, God is a myth espoused by crazy long haried dudes on the corner, and that it's okay, even a good thing to expand my mind with drugs! They said, "If it feels good, do it!" And I did all I could, every chance I had. I wonder sometimes if it is just me, or if others born during, or within a couple of years of 1960 have experienced the same challenges in life in life I have. I'm looking forward to more thoughts on this. Peace - Trystn
Peace to you, Trystn, you sound like the male version of me. Keep seeking, that works for me so far. It's truly amazing what you find when you seek. glad you're here. welcome.
There are alot of us seeking..... Sometimes we need to take inventory of what we have inside and decide what we are going to do with it. Due to crappola, alot of us feel/felt love hurts. Love is not supposed to hurt, and if it hurts...in my opinion..its not love. Love is true....no facades, no bull, no little head games. Other stuff can hide behind the love mask...and pretend, then lay the whammy on ya...but then it was not love to begin with. As children this gets skewed, because we are not able to use the tools we have as adults to see beyond the masks. We trust alot of things as children ,we know better as adults to not trust. If a father lies to his children then uses the love they have for him to manipulate those lies... a child learns that love cannot be trusted...but for a father to do that in the first place was not done in love. It was the agenda...whatever that father was striving for in that momment that causes the future hurt/distrust. Finally after years of analyzing people and situations in my past and coming across lovely people who helped me see beyond alot of the pain was I finally able to understand about love....about holding myself and others in grace and reverence. About while not knowing or totally understanding why people have the intentions that they do at any given time, I was able to understand that such as I am a screwy human..and bring all my past to the table..so do they. We are responsible for the choices we make. The state tried to put me in a victims role...but I have learned that in my life...I am only a victim if I choose to be. I was born in 1958. The hippies did not screw up any legacy for me. The greed that was always there from the beginning, what the hippies were trying to get away from has had a bigger impact. The ones who grew up and got into positions of "powers that be" and misused the trust, that let the bux grab holt of 'em...are the ones who are screwing up my world. I have a little piece of land out here, and I respect it, keep it in as natural a state as I can. Now if there were only a way to get rid of these land taxes......damn grip,it's everywhere.
Thanks mimosa, teepi and bamboo. With regard to bud, I live in a small town in the midwest, and I don't know of anyone my age who smokes or sells it. I dealt for a long time with a younger dude, but he moved to Cali last year. Now, I get off when I can with diet or pain pills. I know a couple of gals who turn me on to them, so I don't have to buy them or make regular trips to Dr. Feelgood. (The only time I ever went to a shrink for help with my mental handicaps I was diagnosed with adult ADHD. {About 5 years ago.} I was prescribed Adderal and, wheeeheee! The party was on baby. It only took me about four months of relatively normal and prescribed use before I went absolutely apeshit. Man, it was worse than my former coke habit. I've never known more lost and darker days. It took me six months of battling suicidal depression on my couch to kick it and get my head back together. Hey, I bet I could have gotten something from the Dr. to help me through that!) teepi, we definately seem to have something in common. It's funny you should mention seperating yourself from people and influences. I'm getting more and more sketchy about being around people in person, and forming relationships. It's hard for me because I used to be a very gregarious person. Back in the day, I was readily accepted and even admired for my uniqueness, party prowess and adventures. Then somebody said, "Just Say No" and the surgeon general determined that smoking anything was hazardous to your health and all of the sudden I was a pariah. I hope that we might be able to continue seeking relief and sharing what works. I also live in the country on a large wooded family owned property. I do find a retreat to nature to be good medicine. I'm recently out of work again, but have been considering cutting wood or trying to get some kind of biz going. mimosa, For years I have thought that I need to reach out and find some folks I have something in common with. I feel like I have actually accomplished something big by finding this forum last night. Not sure why I didn't look sooner. I am analytical to a fault, yet I realize that those who never seek will never find. Wisdom found is a blessing, but becomes a curse if it isn't shared or put into practice. You sound like someone with a bit of wisdom yourself. Well, as you can tell I am enjoying the discussion and feel comfortable in the forum. I even signed up as a supporting member today so I could start a blog. Peace - Trystn
When I first heard the new tune by Green Day "I Walk Alone" I really dug it! But then I thought, "Wow man, if this young dude feels that way maybe I don't walk alone after all!" and I was no longer able to embrace the song or the pain it evoked. I think it's time I need to stop diggin the downers. I'd rather die right now then to continue to wallow in the pain of the past or present on purpose. So, I'll take this opportunity to look at the positive side of "A Dude Like Me" Here are a few of the positive side effects of the 60's. While I did run into some minor difficulties in school because of it, I was fiercely independant and went to great lengths to prove that I would "Dare to be Different!" They didn't have a pill to keep me from it then. I was always an above average student who didn't want to fit in. My creative intellect was well nurtured since they still taught art, music and creative writing in schools then. In school I was looked to as the guy who everyone else wished they could be like. Because of my early drug use, constant relocation, and a lack of parental supervision I hung with a tough crowd. By the time I was 13 I was wild, free, and pretty much did what I pleased. The lack of constraints and attitude of society allowed me to be all that I could be. I had a great time man! My life has been filled with adventure, danger, excitement and accomplishments. I have overcome struggles and done things that I never would have been able to had it not been for the conditioning of my childhood. Contrary to being a victim of the 60's, I am an example of survival. Yes, there has been a price to pay, but I've always been able to pay it and come out on top. In addition, I have not become something that I detest. I have not sold out, bought in or allowed myself to be beat down. I may still have issues, but I'll make it. I'm pretty certain that even though it may feel like it sometimes, I'm not alone after all. Peace - Trystn
you are not alone....we have all walked the path, and continue to struggle with being a square peg in a round world. It ain't easy, but we do make a difference in our own small circles of influence. Just by our being different, we empower others to dare to be different too. spread the love baby!
