another confused teenager's rant...

Hey everybody!
I used to start almost every post I made on here with the words „I’m not gay, ...“ Over the course of the last year I have come to the realization that this might not be true at all. (Maybe there is really something true about the rule „The more often somebody emphasizes s/he’s not gay, the more probable it is that s/he IS gay“ after all. )
So I went from complete denial („I just CAN’T be a lesbian.“) to kinda accepting the idea, but still having a lot of doubts („I’m just talking myself into this, it’s just a fad/phase“ etc.). Now I guess I’ve accepted I’m attracted to girls.
I hate the insecurity and confusion that comes with questioning your sexuality, even if it can be exciting and everything, but you’ve got to admit it’s not exactly a fun experience. I used to think everything would be better somehow as soon as I was sure about my sexual orientation.
Now that I AM quite sure about the thing, I had to discover things are not getting better at all. Don’t get me wrong, I do know that I’m only 16 and things may still change etc. etc., but I know for a fact too that I clearly prefer girls at the moment and have never been too interested in boys.
Thing is, I don’t want to be a lesbian. I just want to be able to feel about guys the way I feel about girls now. Somebody give me a glass of „straight juice“ please?
I know being homosexual doesn’t mean you’re perverted. But I also know a lot of people disagree on that. I don’t want ignorant people to make me feel bad and guilty about who I am. I don’t want to face all the hate and prejudice. I don’t want to go through the whole coming-out business or feel like I’m hiding something if I’m not open about it.
Most of all, I don’t want to go through all the „Is she into girls too?!“ thoughts every time I fall in love additional to the normal „Does my crush like me too?“ stuff. I don’t want to fall for straight girls and be disappointed each time.
I don’t want my (female) friends to back away from me because they fear I could be into them and try hitting on them or anything. Yeah, I know the „those are not real friends“ argument, but you just need to have some people to hang out with, even if they’re not your greatest soulmates, or you’ll go insane.
I don’t want to be stared at and have to listen to nasty comments if I am affectionate with a girlfriend in public.
I don’t want to have to tell my family. I don’t want to burden my Mum with any more stuff, I don’t want to be the „problem kid“ and the „black sheep“ of the family. Heck, my family even reacted strangely when I told them I wanted to go vegetarian. I don’t know how my Dad is going to take a vegetarian, self-injuring, pagan, lesbian daughter. Of all these things he only knows about the veggie part and it seems enough for him to ridicule me. I just don’t want to add more to the impression of being „weird“. I don’t want to hear my sister say: „You’re GAY? I don’t want a lesbian in the family.“
I don’t want to ...
See, I don’t mind being gay per se, but I do mind the problems coming along with it a lot. I just don’t feel strong enough to face them.
Sorry for rambling so much and thanks for reading if you got this far, but I just had to get this off my chest somewhere. I’m probably painting everything way too black again. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed with what is hitting me at the moment. Could use some encouraging words and advice, please.

Love,
Rain

 

hello rain_in_summer,

What is it about being a lesbian that terrifies you so? Having a wonderful girl look deeply into your eyes, or whisper to tell you how lovely you smell?

Sadly, there are jerks who will try. And sometimes they succeed in making us feel horrible. So, horrible that suicide rates for LGBT teens are astonishing. That's sad too. Remember that you ultimately have control over the way you feel. You can learn to block out the hateful, ("sticks and stones...") And you can learn to raise above it. No, It won't be easy, but thousands of youth like yourself have been able to raise above the rabble. You are bright and articulate, I have confidence in your ability.

Check out PFLAG, you'll find straight and gay folks there who want you to feel like the lovely person you are. They have coming out information and groups in your area and safe hot lines where you can call a councilor to talk.

When I was coming to terms with being gay, I felt the same way that you describe. I don't wish that on anybody. I think all of us queer folks have at some point dreaded our position in society. But being GLBT also means you get to learn things that few people get to know and truly understand. What you do with that knowledge will impact the world around you. Sure, right now you would take the "straight juice" over anything else in the world. That isn't an option; sorry, I can't offer you that. But I can offer you "Lesbian wisdom," because you are all ready looking at the world though a unique pair of eyes.

Can't help you there, because that isn't happening only to lesbians. It happens to straight people, too. I come off as straight to most people most of the time. I don't know if that's good or bad. Only, I have had several straight women with crushes on me. So but, I only wish half as many gay men felt the same. It goes both ways. There's going to be straight boys who have crushes on you, too.

I've had to learn how to turn off or tone down my feelings when someone isn't able to reciprocate. Well, everybody go's through that. I mean, having a crush on a straight woman who doesn't want to reciprocate is no different than having a crush on a lesbian or bi woman who doesn't want to reciprocate. Statisticly it sucks being queer. While you could potentially fall in love with any woman, only 10 percent of the women out there will be lesbian. You have to try to be careful of who you crush on because that's the way the cards fall.

So yeah, I've had plenty of crushes on straight guys. And I know why, too. It's because I have so much love bottled up inside; every time I meet a beautiful soul, I want to share it. So I do. I have learned that they don't need to feel the same way. I can tone down my feelings or I can turn my emotions in other directions. That hasn't always been easy for me. Usually, I just have to be away from that person for a period of time, to get over it. Everybody has their way that they deal with unrequited love, it's a fact of life.

After you come out, some will, some won't. It isn't always the best thing to come out in high school. Kids can be such ass holes. But, no matter when you do come out, you'll find out who your true friends are. That's part of the wisdom I was talking about. (Believe me, some folks go through life with a friend and don't find out for 20 years how that friend was only using them.) Even if you lose all of your friends, they weren't your friends if they dump you for being lesbian; and you'll find a new posse who will appreciate you.

Then, don't be affectionate with your girlfriends in public.

And it sounds like it might be best if you wait until you're old enough to be on your own before you come out to your folks. You won't be able to control how they take it, just like you can't control how your friends react. If you are the black sheep for being lesbian, then your folks are lucky to have such a black sheep! I escaped the black sheep label because my older brother was an alcoholic biker who was AWOL from the Army and in jail 3 times before I came out. I mean, your parents could have that instead of a lovely lesbian daughter. Their mistake if they don't see it.

And it sucks that your Dad picks on you for being a vegetarian. The only retort I can think of is to question why he feels he has to do that. Like, if he says, "here's some rabbit food", as matter of fact as possible ask him, "why do you find it necessary to ridicule me?" or "You know, it hurts me when you say stuff like that." You don't even need to respond to what ever he says next. If you have to -then repeat the question.

I don't know that you're painting everything too black. You seem to have a grasp of all of the negative aspects. So, yeah, you may be obsessing on the negative. It's hard to focus on the positive. I have problems with that too.

You seem like a very original and tender girl. You are concerned with how the world will treat you when you come out? Some people will hate you unfairly. But other people will see how brave you are. Some people will shame you. But other people will come to you for the care and comfort that you provide for your friends.

Here's what has happened to me. People try to shame me and I feel bad. Because I feel badly, I think I am dirty or unfit. When I am joyful, I think I am king of the world. I have to remember that I am not my feelings. That's hard for me. So, every day I remind myself that I am not what I am feeling. That I can feel mad or sad and that doesn't mean I am bad.

Dear rain_in_summer, I know you are good. You do too. Try to think on that.

 

i'm gonna go with what hipunk said, LOL
never bring yourself down, if you do you won't recognise the assholes out there
that are trying to bring you down too.
you seem like a strong girl, you'll be absolutely fine.
trust yourself!
XXXX

 

One thing I can see, by the way you've sifted through and articulated everything that's worrying you, is that you're going to start welling up with wisdom and understanding pretty soon. Someone said 'the unexamined life is not worth living.'

What hipunk said is lovely and mirrors my thoughts exactly. Especially about understanding that you are not your feelings.

You seem sensitive and open and you still have your spark of fascination for life. May you find ways to nurture such qualities.

 

Thank you so much for your replies everybody and sorry I didn't write back earlier.

No, that's the part I don't mind at all. *lol*

I have heard of PFLAG and have already visited their website, read around a bit there and found the material helpful, I live in Germany though and haven't found a similar German organisation yet.

Yep, that's one of the things annoying me the most. On the other hand, I really like what you said about being able to love. I'll try to think of it next time I feel low because of the straight girl I have a huge crush on.

Oh my, your parents can really be happy you're "only" gay after what they went through with your brother.

I already mentioned I am/was a self-injurer. I told my Mum about it in March and she was pretty shocked. I'm not sure I want to add another shock to that. Being gay is not as bad as being mentally ill in my opinion, but then again you can cure it. Homosexuality seems pretty incurable to me and I hope my parents will never try to "cure" me.

I came out to my guitar teacher (who is a really cool guy) a while ago, his reaction was completely relaxed (he actually said he could really understand what I liked about women, being super-straight himself, hehe) and this experience was quite encouraging, but as soon as you tell someone the whole business suddenly seems so ... serious.

As for coming out, maybe I should really wait until I can move out. But not being able to be open to my family does piss me off, especially because my sister keeps asking me who I have a crush on. ^^ Besides, if I want to go to one of the glbt teen groups in my area I'll have to tell my mother. I'm already lying and inventing all kinds of excuses when my sister asks me where I'm going on Wednesday afternoons because I don't want her to know I'm seeing a psychologist and I don't want to have another part of my life I have to lie about.
Well, I'll see how things turn out...

I always try to tell myself that, too. Mood swings can lead to serious identity crises if you take them too seriously.

Whoops, I'm making this way too long again.
Thanks for your kind words.

Love, Rain

 

As inconvenient as it may be, I think the best thing for you to do is go to a glbt group and meet as many other young lesbians as possible. You will feel better about being a lesbian when you meet other lesbians who are women you like.

 

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I have known cutters, so I'm happy to hear you're seeing a psychologist and seeking the help you need. I hope you've been able to discuss your issues about coming out to your family; your therapist should be able to help.

Glbt teen groups always welcome "friends" of glbt, to come to their meetings. You could tell your folks that you are going with a lesbian friend, to give moral support to a friend of yours. And you could say "that the friend doesn't want anyone to know she is gay" so you can't say her name. You wouldn't want your sister blabbing it all over school. You promised to keep it a secret! I mean, that isn't a complete lie, since the friend is you and you'll be taking yourself. But your parents will still know where you are, which is good. Who knows, maybe you'll meet a nice gay boy that you can tell your sister you like. I mean, just because you like a boy doesn't mean you love him.

You don't have to come out to anybody at any time. As a teen, it can be dangerous. I don't advocate living a lie; I've done it and I hated it. And People eventually are happier after they come out. But until you're on your own, the closit may be the wisest choice. Until that day happens, you may need to lie. Telling your folks that you have a friend who is lesbian or gay is a good first baby step, even if it's a lie. You can ask their advice, that will take the focus away from you. People love to tell you their opinion. Should you stop being friends with her because she's gay? Should this "friend" go to a glbt group? Should you go with to lend support?

We are hoping everything works out for you.

P.S. I would never have guessed you were German. You're english is impeccable.



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DO your parents have any suspicions?

 

Um, I guess I could ask my therapist for coming out advice but I haven't dared to address the topic yet.

Telling my parents about a lesbian friend wouldn't be a lie, even without the "the friend is me" explanation, as I do have a lesbian friend who lives in my town. We live more than an hour apart though, so we mainly talk over the internet.

I think they do, or well, at least my mother does, my dad doesn't know much about me anyway.
If I asked my mum whether I could go to a glbt group with Caro (the lesbian friend) she would probably see her suspicions confirmed. And she'd probably ask me whether I was a lesbian too... So I shouldn't ask her before I'm not ready to answer her question as well.

I will certainly not tell my sister or anybody else in the family anything that suggests I have a crush on a boy, even if that boy is gay and even if I don't explicitly say I love him, because I don't want to add more confusion and lies to the whole thing.

I think I'll try the "lesbian friend" approach some time after Christmas, when my mum doesn't have to work and can relax after all the holidays stress. (Did the same "timing" with my "self-harm coming out" after Easter and it turned out to be a good choice.)

I already wrote I suspect my mum suspects something. I may be over-analyzing the whole thing though. What do you think of this:

Situation #1:
Mum, my sister and me sitting at the table, having dinner (dad doesn't live here, my parents are divorced).
Sister: "All the boys in my class are soooo stupid."
Me: "Well, 5th-grade boys ARE stupid as a rule." - short pause - "The ones in grade 12 (where I am) aren't much better either though."
Mum: "That's what YOU think." with a really strange undertone to the "you". I might be paranoid and have imagined it though.

Situation #2:
Me coming back from the cinema, where I have met a girl I got to know over the internet for the first time.
Mum: "Been having fun?"
Me: "Yep, it was nice."
Mum: "What was the girl's name again?"
Me: "Joana."
Mum: starts asking me all kinds of questions about her, like "How old is she?", "Where does she live?", "Is she a nice girl?" and then, a little bit more quickly than the other questions and again in a strange voice: "Is she pretty?"

Just two examples... It might just be my overactive imagination.
The fact that I never tell her anything about my crushes no matter how inquisitive about them she is could be seen as another clue by her, though I am sure I would be just as secretive if my crush was a boy. I'm not a person who easily opens up about her emotions.

Aw, thanks! Though I actually had to look up what impeccable means, lol.

 

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I know this isn't the topic you're seeing your therapist about, but you should feel safe bringing it up. Besides it would help that you actually talk to somebody, like a therapist about coming out.

I'm glad to hear you have a plan to tell your mum about a lesbian friend after christmas.

"That's what YOU think."
Over-analyzing it. She could have meant anything. Perhaps she wanted your younger sister to have the expectation that boys do get better, which they do.

"Is she pretty?"
Yeah, that's the kind of thing you say to a boy about a girl he went out with. So, if she's asking that because she thinks you're gay, she sounds pretty cool all ready.

Just don't drive yourself crazy with the sideways remarks. Ignore them! Worry about the frontal attack, when she asks you outright. What will you say? Do you tell her the truth. Do you say, "I think I'm bi," (I mean, that's only half a lie, right?)

I want to mention about something you said before. "Being gay is not as bad as being mentally ill in my opinion, but then again you can cure it." Neither being gay nor being mentally ill is bad. I deal with both myself. A person can't always cure a mental illness, but you can learn to live with it. They haven't found a cure for homosexuality, thank god, but they do need to work on one or homophobia.


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That situation thing is something I've dealt with. I don't label my sexuality, but once I mentioned that I thought a female celebrity was gorgeous, and one of my parents said "that's something a BOY would say". Another time, I was discussing how I lack femininity, to some extent. I'm not boyish, but I'm definitely not girly, but again, that parent said "You know, I worry about you sometimes," which, in parent-language means "I think you're gay". I'm not gay, but these situations are REALLY awkward. For example, that time, I had to spend the rest of the evening discussing hot men to convince my parents that I'm not to be "worried" about.

 

what are they going to do send for a priest?.

 

That, or a pizza.

 

Well, I guess I'm a little bit scared my therapist will start telling me "You are lacking a real father figure and your supposed homosexuality is just an expression of a damaged mother-child relationship" stuff when I tell her about it. Even if she doesn't seem to be that kind of person. Maybe I'm just afraid of her asking me questions I'm not ready to answer. I'm not all that sure of my "lesbian identity" yet.

We're probably going to watch a movie about a lesbian woman from Iran who flees to Germany in early January ("Unveiled" in the US version. I've already watched the German film and found it really really good), so that could be a good "conversation starter".

Easy to get a little paranoid if you're trying to keep a secret like this.

Um, thinking about it now, I guess I'd want to tell my Mum the truth. That's only in theory though. Don't know whether I have the guts to do so when it comes to her asking me. And I'm not going to say I'm bi just to make it "less bad". Because a) I don't want to give the impression that being lesbian is worse than being bi and b) I don't want to have to "come out twice". Which could happen to me the other way around too, though, now that I think of it. I mean, coming out as a lesbian and then realizing I'm bi. Oh well, I guess if I decide to tell the truth I'll just say "I'm attracted to girls".

Yeah, I know you can't "cure" most mental illnesses completely. My way of expressing the thing wasn't good, I actually meant: "You can treat mental illnesses." If that is a better way of putting it.

 

I think this is a brilliant idea, as it means you don't commit to any one idea. It's especially useful for you, as you're still doing a little soul-searching (which is fine). Good luck.

 

Thanks.

Only gotta find a good way of putting this in German. Because the only translation I can think of at the moment sounds too "sexual" for the occasion (more like: "Girls turn me on." or "Girls are hot.").

 

How about "I find girls attractive"?

 

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To be honest with you:
You seem very conflicted and confused. I'm truly sorry that you're unable to trust your therapist about it. That Sucks. Because that's what she's there for. If she is a licensed therapist (as opposed to a church therapist) she will not turn against you. But yes she will ask you questions that will make you uncomfortable. That's her job! It's unlikely she'll say it has to do with a father figure or mother-child relationship. Such a notion is old fashioned. Ancient. But like I said, it sucks you can't trust her.

You could say "I'm interested in girls" or "I look at girls differently." if that's how you feel.

Bocks is right, you don't need to sign up to a label if you don't want to. Some folks hate these titles, gay, lesbian, bi, gueer, etc. It seems that the honest answer from what you have told us is, "I'm not quite sure", or "I'm not ready for a label, yet." And you don't need to label yourself -never ever. Even though they can be limiting, I do find labels useful sometimes.



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I think that's the problem. It doesn't translate very well into german.(without it sounding sexual).