I just discovered my brother is using alcohol and drugs. Jeez, it has been awhile since I have been on the forums. I have had a lot to do, and until now just haven't had the time to visit. My brother just came home from college and at the same time my mom told me he has been getting drunk at college. I was completely shocked because I thought, I knew, my brother was better than that. She told me I should try to listen in for anything else he might say because she was worried. Well I tried to talk with him, but my brother, who I was SO close to before he started college two summers ago, won't open up to any of us. Instead I keep getting into fights with him because he is always staying up late playing computer games, even on Christmas Eve (the rest of my family is Catholic). I once attempted to tell him that I think he's changed, and I later found out it only made him feel more contempt toward me. My mom has now been trying to get me to spy on his computer for anything he might of said. I really don't want to, but she found a letter he was writing to his friend and he said that he got stoned the night before he came home from college. Right now I feel completely stuck. My brother basically, from the letter, hates me now. He thinks I am always nagging at him and he has the mindset that there is nothing wrong with binging alcohol and getting stoned all the time instead of doing his college work. I'm not even supposed to know that he is doing these things, and I don't know if there is any way to compassionately approach the issue. It seems as if I try to do anything he will push me away. Namaste, Diana
You have to ask yourself ... are video games worth fighting over? Is your brother Catholic? Most of my family is Christian, and I am perhaps as far from Christianity as possible. And I actually DID stay up late Christmas Eve playing video games. 3 AM to be exact. There is nothing wrong with it, especially if you aren't Catholic. If he percieves that you are always nagging at him ... maybe you are. You have to try and see things from his perspective. I'm sure getting into fights over video games doesn't help. The keys to bonding with someone is having things in common and being able to see things from their perspective. You say he drinks and does drugs ... but have you tried to see things from his perspective in this way? My family is CONSTANTLY on my case, especially because I'm also into "drugs" (I prefer the term psychoactives, as I'm very responsible and intelligent regarding them). And honestly, I wish they weren't my family. I can't stand them, and I don't even want to be associated with them. The problem is, they don't even try to relate to me, AT ALL. I've tried so many things to bond with my parents ... working on the car with my dad, and formerly hunting (before I became vegan), all kinds of things. But as soon as I mention computers, video games, swordsmanship, anything that I am into ... they immediately show distaste and disgust and want to have nothing to do with me. They don't give me a chance to explain myself or argue a point, ESPECIALLY about things like psychoactives, and it's extremely annoying. Perhaps your brother is experiencing the same thing? If you want to stay close to him, you have to keep an open mind, be unconditionally accepting, and try to figure it out from his perspective. Also ... about him having a mindset of nothing being wrong about drugs ... if you don't understand his position, why don't you give it a try? Drugs aren't just things that "fuck people up" or even anything of the sort. Take marijuana for example ... it's only been illegal for less than 100 years. But for TENS of THOUSANDS of years before that, it was written in medical scrolls and booklets as one of the most useful plants known. The Latin name, cannabis sativa, actually MEANS "useful hemp." Many people are so ready to dismiss psychoactives and the way of life that is accepting to psychoactives, that they don't even keep a mind open enough to think about the reality of it. Take an hour or two and ask him to explain what he thinks to you. If his mindset is anything like mine, he'll be ecstatic to hear you say this and listen intently.
I'm with Hikky Z. What's wrong with a college student drinking beers and smoking weed? I guess it depends on how his schooling is going, but everyone parties at college. As far as religion, well, if he doesn't believe the whole Catholic religion, then you can't hold that against him, as it's his life. I constantly get crap from my dad, little comments he slips in, about how I need to get up and start attending church with them, or cut my hair, or shave my beard. It just makes me more and more set in my decisions. Are you guys doing this to him? I mean, if he's been in college for two years, that makes him about 20...more than old enough to be making his own decisions on alcohol, marijuana, video games, and religion. I suggest the same as HZ said. Talk to him, but don't lecture him. Listen and understand, let him speak his side, and give him your full attention. Then perhaps you can speak your side. Try to keep the discussion calm. For me, I see no problem with moderate alcohol and drug use, provided the rest of your life isn't hurting from it. Maybe you could keep that in mind.
Thanks so much for the replies, they give some insight into what he is thinking. In terms of religion, I'm not sure what he believes (in my family religion is a VERY awkward topic), but what I meant was that on Christmas day we had to get up early to go to my grandparents' house so I was angry he was up late playing. I took another look at my feelings toward his drug use and I am a little frustrated. Personally, I think marijuana shouldn't be illegal. I've always thought "so what? What's the big deal if someone does drugs?" But, I don't know, when it comes to my brother I just can't believe it. He barely passed his math class and generally hasn't done that well in college. Getting drunk doesn't seem very responsible, and I think his work has suffered. When I think about it, my brother and I should have a lot in common. I kind of like computer games, he loves them; I want to play guitar, he plays guitar; we love the same television shows... Yet even when he is acting kind, I feel like underneath he really is annoyed with me. He seems to think I am very ignorant, and I guess to some extent I am. I don't know what college is like and I get angry when he stays up late into the night playing on the computer. I feel kind of...helpless... I wish I could have a compassionate conversation with him, but I am not even supposed to know that he has been doing these things. Namaste, Diana
Well consider this. Everyone goofs off and does dumb shit in college, especially their first year. Heck, I was suspended from college for bad grades. Not because I got drunk or did drugs, but because I didn't take it seriously. Now, I still smoke and occasionally drink, as much as I did before, but I have straight A's, because I'm taking college seriously now. It's very common to do bad early in college and then do much better later on. So don't let on that you know. Just ask him if he knows anything about the topic, you know?
Your brother is doing what almost every kid does when they step out into the free world away from parental supervision, and your mother is doing what almost every parent would do in the circumstances. Tell your mom that you are shouldn't be expected to intercede in what should be her own communications and relationship with your brother. you mom is asking you to take responsibility that is not yours, and to act in a clandestine way. That is not how good, strong, healthy relationships work. Good strong healthy relationships are open, honest, loving, caring, understanding. But it's hard for parent's watching their kids explore the real world. Believe me, I know! You don't want to see you child hurt in any way at all, but especially psychologically. That being said, I'll tell you this ~ when my 1st son left home to go to university, my wife and I worried. I worried so much I had to look into the cause of my worry, and the cause for my worry was that I had a lack of trust in my son, god/jesus, the universe...... So I thought to myself "if this universe is the creation of a Divine Creator, and if the promise that the one "lost sheep" is far more important than the 99 safe in the stall, then I really had nothing to worry about at all." I then chose to trust, and that trust has grown and extended over time to the point that I have no worries in life at all. I trust that everything is exactly as it should be, and that is how it will always be no matter what. I trust that the universe is a Divine living thing that wraps us in life and love, nutrures us, teaches us, allows us to find, learn, discover, feel, explore anything, anytime, anyhow we so choose. It is OK ~ all is as it should be. Trust that, and all negatives fall off like dry leaves from a tree. My son returned from university, has a wife, two kids, an executive job. he has discovered the more's and less's of life, and is much fuller and more knowledgeable for it. He talks of the kids who dumped their intelligence in favour of smoking dope, and talks of his experiments with dope in his search to understand life/reality/meaning. On the path of life, there are many things we discover, many things that bring joy, and many things that hurt. Such is life. But life is all that we each of us have. It is a gift that we have each been given to use in any way that we choose in exploring It's vast potentials. Live it. Love it. But above all ~ trust It, for it is from the Divine Creator, and it is ours.
Try to understand the pressures that underlie your brother's need for chemical enhancement. Often in college a person is confronting the fears of growing up into an uncaring world where one must perform or flounder. Perhaps if he knew he had your unconditional love and support it would serve as a buffer for him against the world which really demands that one get fucked up just to deal with its callousness and machine-like surface. Or maybe your brother looks to drugs to find connection with reality because he doesn't feel connected. At any rate, there's little you can do so at least spare yourself the guilt of feeling responsible.
