Top 30 Facts About Chuck Norris

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE
YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony
of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for
30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her
a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their
floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This
is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to
lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips
from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show
clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I.
His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are
black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the
shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his"
way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged
to death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb
on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children
who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck
Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and
roundhouse kicks them in the face.

 

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

 

He is an asshole.

 

Chuck norris, after all, did lose his virginity before his dad.

 

Chuck Norris has stairs in his house. Do you?

 

chuck norris once made ice cream for a dying child. he took a dump in a bowl and topped it with his semen. it was too sweet for the child, and his heart exploded, along with his liver turning into black tar that entered his blood stream. chuck norris has not e coli, but p coli. the p stand for pain. or pagnosis. no... it stands for pain

 

You are wrong. They lost their virginity at the same time. It was on the set of Lone Wolf McQuade.

 

Scientists have recent calculated that one CNrHK(Chuck Norris RoundHouse Kick) is equal to the energey released during the big bang

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

 

Ahahahaha This thread rocks!

 

Chuck Norris' chest hairs are made out of steel wool.

 

when chuck norris falls into water he dose not get wet, the water gets chuck norrised

 

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

When the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

 

oh and another one...

Chuck Norris like to knit sweaters in his free time, and by "Knit" i mean Roundhouse and by "sweaters" i mean babies

 

( Funnyest thread in here in along time)


Chuck Norris walked into a frontier bar in alaska, strolled up to the bartender and asked him, "Hey, what do I have to do to be a real Alaskan"?

Bartender slapped a fifth of Yukon Jack and a bowie knife on the bar and said, "Three things; first you have to down this fifth of Jack, then you have to kill a grizzly bar with this knife, then you have to fuck ten eskimo women, then you'll be a real Alaskan".

Chuck downed the fifth, grabbed the knife and headed out the door.

Cpl minutes later everybody heard the most bonechilling grizzly bear scream ever, followed by nine more screams just like it.

When it was all over Chuck Norris walked back into the bar and said, "Ok, so where's this eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill"?

 

Chuck Norris has no lips.

 

LOL that is the best thing I have ever heard in my life!

thats kinda sad

 

-chuck norris drinks lava and shits rocks

-alexander the great's companion cavalry was actually just chuck norris on a horse (and the only reason he conquered so much was because chuck norris kicked the entire persian army's ass)

-chuck norris killed the dinosaurs

-the master chief from halo is just a toned down version of chuck norris (chuck norris is stronger and dosent wear armor because hes already bullet/plasma proof and can breathe in space)

-chuck norris is bullet proof because bullets are afraid of him

-chuck norris once stuck his head in a black hole to see what was inside

-chuck norris once impaled a cocaine dealer with the holy bible

-bruce lee had to be recessitated dozens of times on the set of "way of the dragon"

-if you look up ass kicking in the dictionary, theres a picture of chuck norris

-chuck norris calls geysers "hot tubs"

-chuck norris is so powerful that a spark from one of his nerve cells could power new york city for several centuries

-chuck norris made conan piss himself (and cry during the commercial) simply by looking at him

 

Chuck Norris dose not tea bag people he potatoe sacks them!

 

i thought this was a dis chuck norris forum but from reading the forum i see that you are all in awe of him ..i think he'd like this site

 

chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad did....haha i just read that one...