Symptom Feet cold and wet. Fault Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Feet warm and wet. Fault Improper bladder control. Action Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Fault Glass empty. Action Get someone to buy you another beer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Fault You have fallen over backward. Action Have yourself leashed to bar. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Mouth contains cigarette butts. Fault You have fallen forward. Action See above. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Beer tastless, front of shirt is wet. Fault Glass applied to wrong part of face. Action Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Floor blurred. Fault You are looking thru bottom of empty glass. Action Get someone to buy you another beer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Floor moving. Fault You are being carried out. Action Find out if you are being taken to another bar. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. Fault Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Action Cover mouth. Apologize for vomitting. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Everyone looks up at you and smiles. Fault You are dancing on the table. Action Fall on someone cushy-looking. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Beer is crystal clear. Fault It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up. Action Punch him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. Fault You have been in a fight. Action Apologize to eveyone you see, in case it was them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Don't recognize anyone in room, don't recognize room. Fault You have wandered into the wrong party. Action See if they have free beer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Your singing sounds distorted. Fault The beer is weak. Action Drink more beer until your voice improves. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptom Don't remember the words to the song. Fault Beer is just right. Action Play air guitar.
There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up. The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky." The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!" The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"
Men are like... ...placemats they only show up when there's food on the table. ...mascara they usually run at the first sign of emotion. ...bike helmets they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly. ...government bonds they take so long to mature. ...copiers you need them in reproduction but that's about it. ...lava lamps fun to look at it but not all that bright. ...bank accounts without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. ...high heels they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. ...curling irons they're always hot and always in your hair. ...mini skirts if your not careful they'll creep up your legs. ...handguns keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
