I just finished a conversation with my ex. We hadn't spoken to each other for over a month. In the time I'd started to try to convince myself that I really will be better off, that I dont need him. But the minute he says "hey babe. how've you been?" i just melted. This guy was my life. In the time that we were together, we went through so much stuff. A lot of pain, and a lot of good times, too. And really, when I look back on it, I know that he was the only way I got through it. If i hadn't had him, I never would have survived some of that. I've had a lot of boyfriends and I've been with a lot of people, but he was really my first and pretty much only relationship. I mean... I really truly loved him and I know that he absolutely cared about me just as much. It used to be we'd have done anything at the drop of a hat for each other. He wasn't just my lover, he was my best friend. And even thought its been almost 6 months... I still wake up every morning thinking about him. And I absolutely bawl in the shower every morning when I realize he's not mine anymore. There is so much about this whole thing between us now that confuses and hurts me. But nothing does it worse then what he said at the end of our talking. He still says he loves me. And when I challenged him on it, he said he always will. But... if he loved me, then why aren't we together? I broke it off, but he made me do it. He wanted it, he just didn't want to hurt me, so he made me be the one to say it was over. His reasoning was that he "just doesn't have time for someone else right now." He used to tell me all the time "baby you're my everything. i'd die without you." He said that last time we talked, again. But really, if I was his everything, wouldn't he MAKE time for me? I dont know... I guess I'm jsut really upset. And I have to wonder, when am I ever going to get over him? IS the fact that I cant a sign that he's the one, or do I just feel this way because of all the people I've been with, he was the first one I really deeply loved and cared about? He makes it sound like in a few years we have a chance again. Do I wait it out? Do I let him still tell me he loves me? Why would someone say that in this situation? Is it really possible for him to honestly love me still? I dont know. I dont even know why I'm posting this. I'm just so upset and lost about it... and none of my friends have anything to say about it.
You should'nt wait. You may be on different paths for the moment and rest assured that if you are meant to be together, no matter how far down the line, YOU WILL BE. The universe will draw you back together if you still have love to share and things to learn together. In the meantime You just might have to accept that right now, it is not right to be together. And in the interest of your own learning, to let go and embrace the lessons life has for you alone, knowing that whatever happens, it is for your higher good. But ask yourself, was it really fair for him to make you end it so that he could be guilt free? Although he may have loved you, that wasn't something done out of love, especially if you didn't want to. Think about it and remember, you are the best person to ask these questions to. It's just sometimes, we go seeking outside for an answer because we dont like the one we know within ourselves. Good luck sister, much love...
