My partner wants us to have children

ick. Not now, but in the future. Hes really keen, but ive never been interested. Id do a good job, but the prospect still frightens me. Makes me want to go on a 3 year holiday, or run out into the fields and scream and celebrate my current freedom...

When i got into a serious relationship with him, i thought travel, study, holidays, fun, and days and nights spent alone together like friends. I did NOT think family, 3 bedroom semi-detatched, neatly mowed lawn and pet dog. He assures me it wouldnt be like that, but i get horrifying visions of it sometimes. We love eachother deeply, and i know he would give up having children for me...but im not sure i could do that to him. God knows where the compromise lies...

I wonder if itll happen. Dont get me wrong, i adore children. And realise the experience would be magical in some ways. Is that all thats needed? Something tells me its not. Perhaps ill grow into it. Or something.

Xx

 

um... okay !

well just to say, make sure you really want that kid. my aunt was confessing to me, the first day her child was born was the absolutely scariest scariest day of her life! the rest of it would be spent overseeing the growth of this baby and making sure it grows into a decent person.

 

Yeah, id never bring an unwanted child into this world. Hence the hesitation...and shock...and confusion...

I realise being a mother is the most important job on this planet and i wonder if i could ever do it. I also realise itd be the most important and time-consuming thing i ever did in this lifetime. Its a huge decision.

Xx

 

For some, it's a slap in the face and will MAKE you become a responsible parent/person. You will have no other choice but to be a deadbeat.

 

Exactly my fear. I dont fear being responsible. I fear being trapped in a certain lifestyle with no alternative, being imprisoned. Becoming a deadbeat...

Xx

 

The things you want when you're 17 are probably way different from the things you will want when you're, say, 30.. so who knows, you might feel very differently about it in a few years.

 

I feel that. It's not for everyone and if you are having those feelings, it might be best to get your tubes tied now.

 

yeah, you're only 17. who knows where you and him will be in a few years

 

Partner? Is he your boyfriend or Husband?

 

Yeah, ive thought about this. What id really like to say is "yeah, ill consider this issue again in 15 years time" and then forget it. The problem is that when im 20, hell be almost 30. When im 30, hell be 40...and so it goes on. So i started to think "is it fair to make him wait so long, to miss his chance? When he could just go and marry some woman wholl happily be barefoot and pregnant?"...

My only real concern in all this was him. I know what would be best for me. He claims that-yes, hes disappointed and would like children, but its not a huge issue. I was just wondering if this was a lie to keep me happy, and really hes desperately yearning inside for nappy changes and first days at school.

Xx

 

True too. I suppose it just shocked me when he mentioned it...the way he sounded so enthusiastic and went into so much detail about our future kids...When ive always known i didnt really want any.

Were both pretty sure this is a long-term thing, and we have concrete plans about everything else, which is why i let myself get concerned over this. Also for the reason i mentioned above. I just began to wonder if i was taking away some kind of sacred right from him, or something. Expecting him to go ahead with me on this childless, but hopefully lengthy journey.

Xx

 

Hes my boyfriend for now Sorry i always call him my partner. Makes him sound more like an equal, which is what he is. "Boyfriend" i find sounds quite belittling, "lover" has too many sexual connotations...and i cant think of any other terms

Xx

 

I know how ya feel though.... I mean, I'm pretty young still but I don't want kids. If I ever do get the urge to have a little person running around, I'd rather adopt... take in a kid that someone else didn't want, y'know? But... every now and then I get this weird maternal urge for a few minutes, then it disappears. Only started in the last year or so.

Revisit it every year or two, to see where you two stand. If, in a few more years, he still wants kids but you don't, well.... deal with it hten. But give yourselves more time to grow and see where it leads.

 

You may also have a point ive just spoken to my mother about it and she says that she had always had maternal feelings. That she dreamed of having children when she was a child herself...even longed for them. Knew it was her purpose in life. Ive NEVER felt this...infact any dreams i have involving children will invariably be nightmares, and ive always felt my purpose is to do something different.

Perhaps i just wasnt MADE to have children....Although, getting the tubes tied seems a little drastic. Ill leave them, just incase

Xx

 

Yeah i think thats the answer, n its what well do And maybe ill start to get those "urges" one day too.

Thanks

-Maxi.Xx

 

Caution*** Real judgemental post coming. I think you are too young for this relationship. You think that when a guy turns 40 that he'll be too old to reproduce and that you can't just tell him you're not ready for the responsibility. That stuff about my real concern is him ... nice touch but it's pure BULL-LOAN-KNEE. I'm guessing that the truth is closer to this. You are young, you want to experince life and see things and a child will hamper you. You may even be a little nervous about child birth. You know these are selfish reasons but you want to know the truth... so what! You are suppose to be selfish because if you weren't a little selfish you'd regret it. I don't mean selfish as in arrogant rude and self absurb I mean it as thinking of yourself. That's the real sign of maturity. Don't do anything you're not ready for just to make someone else happy.

 

Hello,

No, i would never do it just to please him. If it sounded like that then i wasnt clear enough, so my apologies. What i meant was, if i discovered his desire for children really was so strong and that without them hed feel unfulfilled and miserable, i would leave him. So that he could have them. And live his purpose.

Yes, i do want to experience the life i was blessed with. No, i dont see this as being selfish or immature in any way. What i wanted to do was to analyse the situation so id know what was best for both of us. I realise that some people (like my mother for example) feel very strongly all their lives that they are here to reproduce. I am not one of these people but he obviously is. I was wondering how the situation would develop, that is all.

As for not being old enough for this relationship, ive stated my opinion about judgements based on age many times on these forums and ill do so again. Age is over-rated. Some are born wise, some are still not wise when they are 80. You get wise children, wise adults...and the ignorant who also fall into both of these catagories.

It surprises me that anyone can truly believe that the difference between an 18 year old and a 50 year old somehow makes the 50 year old wise and the 18 year old ignorant. 32 years! In the grand scheme of things, 32 years is nothing. 32 years is not even a microscopic spec on the grand map of time. 32 years makes you equal to a baby. In my (perhaps quite unique) opinion, true wisdom is something gained over centuries.

When would it be socially acceptable for me to have this relationship? I am in it now for a reason. I am very conscious of the fact that my life has a purpose, i realise that i must do what is best for me, i must love myself. I would not do anything to harm myself. And so, i would not get involved in anything i did not feel ready for.

But thanks for the reply.

-Maxi.Xx

P.s-No, i do not think a 40 year old man is too old to reproduce (As you can see, im not big on age and "getting too old") My point with that comment was, he HAS got less time than me, taking the scientific probability. And i want every single second of that time to be used in the best way possible for him.

 

I love kids but I'm type A lol.

 

I never said that. I said that you sounded mature in not wanting to have kids but to enjoy life.

 

if there were more people in the world with that mindset, no doubt.

even when they see they need to be a dead beat though, some don't have the "oomph" to follow it out....

i think it's important to know and accept the fact you can't be a perfect parent. you're going to make mistakes but that's how you learn what the right things are and what you'll never do again.