Ohhhhhhhh what do I do?

Snapshot of me in regards to my sexuality:

Has been really sexually attracted to 2/6 guys I've been with. Emotionally attracted to at least two of them. Both attractions were not always consistent. Never had a girlfriend, although when I was younger one of my friends tried to do sexual things with me, and I didn't even really 'get' that it was sexual. My sexuality didn't seem to exist. I wasn't attracted to her and I did what what she wanted me to do because I wanted her to like me. I was 11 or 12? Later on I've had quite a few crushes on girls. But with both sexes I feel a reluctance to have sex or do anything that might make me vulnerable with them. Was raped on New Years two years ago, and that has a lot to do with it. Btw I've never had sex willingly before.

SO. I've met this guy. He is 'cool.' Like, he has that energy that 'chillin,' 'cool' people have, (which, by the way, I can't be bothered with to emulate, but I don't mind it in other people), but he's also smart and we can carry on an interesting conversation. The other part of this is that I get super-excited and nervous and a bit turned on when I see him (which happens very rarely--seeing him, that is). I know that if the atmosphere was right (which means, I feel safe in it, it's relaxing and I'm comfortable) we could really be together, sexually, emotionally, in every way.. but the other thing is he smokes, and the guy who raped me also smokes and it triggers a deep cold fear when I smell smoke if I'm not grounded. And it's really easy for me to not be grounded when I'm around his kind of energy. But when I am, when I'm really in my skin and in the moment I love being with him.

What I don't know is if I'll find that kind of atmosphere if I, say, meet up with him. Like, what do I do if I feel this fear come into me... I wouldn't be able to do anything,,, I can hardly talk when I feel it. It's like a panic attack. And I don't want to lead him on if I don't know if I can continue.

Should I just cut off this relationship. Or should I give it a try.

Huuuh. It would be so easy if I was just a lesbian. But then I'd really be lying to myself as much as I would if I said I was straight. My sexuality fluctuates... it is unpredictable. I'm not 40% this and 60% that. it's like it depends on the weather.

And I don't mind that. Just, how do I make a decision that depends on unstable circumstances?

 

I think you should go for it if you get the chance. Don't let the word lesbian, or homosexual restrict you from being attracted to whomever. In fact, don't even use those words if they don't describe you.


I think you should ask him out.. you seem to be pretty interested.

 

Personally, I think that you should take a look at everything you just wrote. It's as if you don't believe you have any control over anything at all. Your past doesn't have anything to do with who you are today. That's the problem most people run into. They think their past defines them. Sure, there are some circumstances that wouldn't exist if not for the past, but other than that, you have complete control over who you are and how you feel every minute of every day. You can't let fear guide you toward or away from anything. Things in your past may have traumatized you, but it's not time that makes that feeling go away. It's you.

I think that you need to go for it. Shying away from someone you so obviously like will not only fill you with regret and what-ifs, but it will allow your fears and your past trauma to continue dictating who you are and what you do.

My advice to you:

Read this book: Plato, Not Prozac! by Lou Marinoff, PH.D. It's about applying philosophy to everyday situations and problems. Also, listen to the entire album "Make Yourself" by Incubus. If you don't dig the music, read the lyrics. Incredibly grounded and inspirational.

Bottom Line, go for it.

 

I felt very sad when I read your message. I also couldn't help but wonder what you did as a response to being raped. Did you get counseling? If the smell of smoke bothers you because of that incident, it may be very difficult to be in a relationship with a smoker.

At the very least, I don't think I want to suggest a relationship with a smoker unless you can talk to him and be very open about why that smell bothers you.

I don't think there's any one piece of advice that will make things easier to deal with. Sexuality can be very fluid and a powerful force, especially when you're 17. One piece of advice I would give anybody is not to get involved in a relationship or to have sex until you are completely comfortable with what is going on.

You seem to be dealing with a lot of pain, and counseling is often a constructive way to deal with this pain.

 

I don't know, the thing about psychological or psychiatric counseling is that 99% of it is there to dig through your past, decide what affected you and what didn't, place blame, and decide which emotional/social disorder you have because of it. I really honestly think if you are going to consider counseling, try philosophical counseling. Rather than drudging up everything in your past, they focus on the present and figure out the most logical way to approach your situation. Of course they will consider you situation. They will consider that you were raped and that you have an issue with smokers. But instead of searching for reasons, they will help you heal.

 

Wow I really appreciate all of your answers. I expected there to be at least one that I had to ignore

You know guys I have come sososo far since being raped. Worlds. My whole reality and model of the world has shifted to a mostly victimless approach to life. In fact, I have gotten 100 times more confident and stronger, because I set out to heal.

You guys have kindly reminded me that obviously I'm not there yet. I do have a lot of issues with men, and I also have a drive to heal them, but I don't know how to. I'm scared of jumping into a relationship with this guy, because he is a guy and if I'm just not ready to be physically intimate then that will be more than a bit of a problem for him, not to mention me. I feel like I have too much baggage to dump into a relationship like this. How does one get philosophical counselling? I wonder if my parents will pay for that... I certainly don't have the money.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

 

Sillyangel, I've never heard of philosophical counselling.. is that a common practice?

 

Well it's obviously not as common as psychological or psychiatric counseling, but it's definately out there. If you can't find anything through an internet search or something, try calling a nearby university or something and ask one of the philosophy professors for a reference. Otherwise, try out that book I mentioned, Plato, Not Prozac! It's a great read and it really gives you a refreshing perspective on life in general, including therapies, difficult issues, and working through your problems in a healthy way. If you can get a good friend to read it as well, that would help even more. Then you could talk about your problem with them and they will also learn a great deal. It's cheaper than counseling. If you don't have someone like that to go to with this issue, I'm almost done with the book and I'd be more than happy to email or chat with you about it. I was also raped. It was about 7 years ago and honestly I rarely think about it now. There are still certain things that will trigger memories, but they no longer trigger any sort of uncontrollable emotional reaction.

Hope that helps!
Christy

 

Oh Christy thank you!

I am reading about 5 boooks at once already... and I definitely want to add a sixth now I think I may have found a source for a philosophical counselling.. I'll check it out. Did you try the counselling or did you just read the book?

 

Sorry it took me a bit to get back. I couldnt' find the thread to check up on it!! No I haven't tried the counseling myself, but logic tells me that it would be a more constructive use of your time since you are already aware of what you need to work on. The key for you really is this: to believe that YOU and only you have power over your life. If you give someone else control, you are simply losing yourself one piece at a time. Things happen to you that you can't control. That's never going to change. But how amazing does it feel to say, "Some asshole raped me, but the effect is gone and I'm stronger now because of it." To me, it feels wonderful. Sure, he had control for 10 minutes (in my situation anyway), but that's all he had. He's not getting any more than that from me. You've already let him take away enough of your life and your strength. Don't let him have anymore. Sometimes it helps to talk about it with the person you want to be with. Most people are really understanding. When you tell them, that you care about them and that you might take a little more time than they're used to with intimacy and tell them why. When you present it as something you're working on moving past, and not as baggage that you're stuck with, and you act fearless and not as a victim, any decent person is going to think that's awesome and take their time with you. If they aren't willing to, what the hell do you need them for anyway?

Hey I always lose this thread. If you wanna talk about it more or have more questions, drop me a private message and I'll give you my email.

Later
Christy