I might be gay or bi, but I'm going to go back into the "closet"

I had this long post typed up, but the forum ate it. So now I'll try to type it again:

When I was in highschool I had same-sex fantasies all the time, but I dated girls and I never gave much attention to the fact that I might be bi or even gay. Then, when I was 17, I developed a big crush on a feminine gay guy in my class. At 18, I was still dating girls, but the gay-crush never went away. There was an underlying sexual tension between this guy and me, and even though we were both attracted to one another, he never called me out on it.

Then we all graduated and went our separate ways. That summer, though, I told some of my closest friends (girls, of course) about my crush on that guy, and they were supportive so I started telling other people. My dad found out, and got very upset. That whole summer, he would have these talks with me at night. He would tell me about how he laid awake at night, wanting to kill himself because he had a gay son. He would say other things too, like how he wouldnt financially support a gay lifestyle, and how I must have somehow gotten involved with "satan". Basically he just piled on the BS, but I was only 18 and I was very hurt. Nearly every night he would talk to me like this, and on those nights I would never say a word, I would just stare off into space like a rock. By the end of summer, it seemed like something inside me had been twisted up, or locked. I'm serious about that.

I went off to college and at 19 I had some same sex encounters, and I liked it. But when I came back home for the next summer, the guilt set in. My dad toned down the "gay is evil" rhetoric, but he started telling me how disappointed he was in me, and how I would probably end up with a crappy job living alone. I was hurt whenever he would say that, and by the end of the summer, I was not looking forward to going back to college.

But I went back to college, and I was glad that my parents were at least paying for it. I stopped dating, and my grades declined, and so I applied for a year off. Now, my spirit is broken. I have no faith in the value of human relationships. Instead, I find myself with nothing: I am not interested in the possibilities of love. I am only 20 but I sound like I'm 80. I want to start over with my parents, act like nothing had happen, and go back to dating girls exclusively. I'm going to try and extinguish all homosexual desires, and I'm just going to have to ignore any gay feelings.

I simply have no alternative. If I decide to start dating guys and if I'm open about it with my parents, that will be the end of me. I will literally be living on the street with no way to pay for college. So at this point in my life, I have to take that part of me which yearned for guys, and extinguish it, or ignore it. Merely 2 years ago I was open to all sorts of possibilities and I thought that I had a bright future with a particular guy, but now I have to get rid of that. I don't think it will be hard either, because I have become very stoical in my outlook on life and I can easily turn off my emotions or desires. This isn't something I like, but it's just reality.

 

Well guess what .. just replace all the references with 'Homosexuality' with references to 'My first Love' and you can be in some good and plentiful company with millions of other men around the world.

Even more so that this despair, agony and general sense of a tragedy is something that is, in fact, NOT like a man of 80 but is very very much what 20 year old men experience the deepest and harshest of ways.

Heck.. Im not even half-way to 80 and I already reduce my heartbreaks to maybe the better part of a long weekend at most.
The woman I was in love with married another guy and even more devastating is that she was madly in love with me too (long story).
The point is..

When you are 20 you think its the big horrible end of the world.
Im not mocking that either.
Its actually a wonderful and good thing that youth have that great sense of romance and live dreams etc.
But you eventually realise that life is really whats thrown at you more than the ideal you would or could persue.

So get stoic and dont get yourself down and instead look for that great gal and make yourself her best guy.
Then make that the best thing it can be.
You might be surprised - that could turn out to be the one thing that becomes MORE than you ever expected.

Good times!

 

Most parents, no matter how disapproving they are, won't kick their kid out. They might make your life hell while you're living with them, but at the end of the day they want what's best for you, or at least what they think is best for you.

No-one ever has a storybook relationship with their parents all the time. It may be that you'll never get on. But you don't have to answer to them. If college is something you want to do, show them that it's important enough to you that you'll do it without their financial support. My folks weren't happy about me going back to uni after dropping out, but when I got a summer job to pay for it they were a bit more supportive. Your dad's probably worried that the combination of "gay" and "student" means you're going to be a drain on them - there's a lot of gay guys like that and I find them very difficult to credit - but if you can convince him that you actually don't really care what he thinks (even if you do), he'll at least respect you for it.

You have the advantage of being old enough to take some control of your own life. You can get a job in your year off and build up some funds for college.

To be honest, your sexuality doesn't seem to have a hell of a lot to do with any of this. It's a shame that your dad doesn't accept it as a lifestyle, but if he's changed his angle on it, considering the social factors of it rather than just condemning it as evil outright, it's possible that he's coming round to the idea. Homosexuality doesn't have to be a lifestyle, and you'll need to convince him of that you're going to have to go out of your way not to be the stereotypical workshy gay guy.

The heartbreak is almost incidental really. Everyone goes through times when they're not interested in sex, romance, love, etc. to focus on other things, like work, recreation, friendship or family. If I can just put my Marxist hat on for a moment: Love was sold to us by Hollywood as the goal of human being not because it is a genuine panacea for all ills, but because you can be in love whether you're rich or (more importantly) whether you're poor. It is no larger a part of a happy life than friendship, motivation, etc. The only real problem is that, if you don't have anything else going on in your life, it tends to seem like the end of the world. My advice is to think about the other things in life that make you happy, and concentrate on them. It's hard to do, and takes time because when you're still doing it consciously it doesn't work, but eventually the fact that you're not fucking anything is pretty insignificant.

I'm not one of those neo-abstinence assholes, but I'd say you're fixating too much on dating as a goal. Who you're dating - as in male or female - isn't really the problem, and it'd be a bad idea to think that changing your sexuality would have any real impact on the underlying issue.

So yeah, crappy advice synopsised: work on getting some degree of financial independence from your parents and try not think about your sex life for at least three months.

 

Oh and you dont need to be putting on a Marxist Hat to talk about the problem of the 'Hollywood' fantasy being sold and bought by the public giving a false hope of some 'cure-all' for all things life driven.

This is a very signifigant issue and there have been many a book, article and sermon written on this.
What happens is that you have an entire generation who has invested thousands of hours into Hollywood and Romance Novels becoming absolutely convinced that 'as long as they find the one'... 'everything will turn out right'.

Well sorry but do you realise this is not how people used to think.
Really.
Do you know (this will sound crazy i realise) but in most of the world before Romance (TM) was sold, people actually believed that you should find the best mate, at the time, for the time... and then you actually MAKE the happiness and love by purposely trying at it!
As a matter of fact - sometimes (maybe even most) you expected to get stuck with what you got stuck with.
It was up to the two people to 'make it work for the best'.

Nowadays that is all crazy talk.
Couples are getting married later and later, spending their entire 20s and now into their 30s expecting to find that 'Hollywood story formula' (which never happens in reality).
That mentality has been attributed to the rising divorce rates as well.
People convinced that there is that 'Fateful True Love' that for reasons we are 'trained' to believe 'must happen' in order to get that elusive 'happiness'.

So yeah.. wierly enough, SelfControl and I seem to be giving (basically) the same crappy advice here.
At 20 and a Uni student, just work on getting your own ship in order and I will agree even further with SC - dont even bother thinking about a sex life for three months.
Just grant yourself a total break from the whole idea entirely.
Dont even wrestle with it or start saying 'what should i do.. what will happen.."
Just go on a vacation from it for now and just remember - none of this stuff will seem this 'serious' or 'dire' in a few years.
Even a few months it wont.
Its literally a thousand times more important and signifigant what courses you plan out right now than this stuff.

 

I would ignore the bs written by Erasamus70, he is the resident quack and ex-gay movement cheer leader on these pages and will only be happy when everyone is like him, hateful and straight acting.

I feel sorry for the way your father treated you. It is so wrong on many levels.

Check out Exgay Watch to read about the current sad state of reparative therapy. It doesn't work. Dating girls won't make you happy or fulfilled, either.

Being born gay, is not a curse. Having parents who don't accept it, is. I hope that someday you are able to forgive your father. Until then I suggest you leave him and find your own life.

You sound like you are in morning. Something died? Your hope of ever finding love and happiness? Your respect for your father? You need to move on. You nee to make your own happiness and not depend on your folks to provide it, obviously they won't.

Consider getting a job and living on your own. Drop out of school for awhile. Many people do after the second year. You won't die alone. You won't starve, unless you want to. That's just mean to say that. You don't need your daddy to survive in the world. Many of us have done splendidly without a father. To be honest, yours isn't there for you. Admit it. Move on. Until he is ready to accept you, you need to move on. This could be a blessing, the push you need to get out from under his wing.

Unfortunately, your father is unconcerned with your happiness, he cares only for his own. You must see that. You will never be able to please him. That's frustrating. The sooner you deal with it the less of an old man you will be.

 

Erasmus' post didn't really refer to homosexuality at all. I don't agree with most of his views on that subject, but here it seems that it's not really the central issue anyway. My dad's said all kinds of similar things to me at times, not because I was gay but because he didn't want me going my whole life just trying to avoid any kind of responsibility.

I really don't think it's conducive to suggest that the father isn't trying to resolve their difficulties. If he's gone from hating homos on principle to looking for excuses to dislike it in the space of a year, he's made a leap. You can expect acceptance from everyone, but it's wrong to write off a relationship that's lasted 18 years over something like this.

 

I take Erasmus70 as the whole of his posts. I agree that he contradicts himself, but he has also proven to be a hostile council to gays.

I see that Henry's father is trying to buy, curse and badger control of his sons orientation. That's an unhealthy relationship. Not until Henry gets out on his own, will he be able to access his situation and so too will his father.

He has no responsibility to hang around for a father who holds out his love and understanding. Because that gives his father less of a reason to consider what he values: his son as he is or his biased faith.

With leaps like the one you mentioned, It may be a century before he is able to fully accept his son. People who make excuses to dislike gays, often never come around.

I don't know that he should "write off" his relationship with his father. But he owes his father no excuses. And as long as he is under his father's roof he will be stifled. I suggested he should move on with his life. His father is offering him a devils deal: forgo happiness and pride for a shelter and parental approval. I've never seen that in the book of unconditional love. I think the father has written the son off.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I'm not going to end my relationship with my dad, not only because he foots the bill for college but because he's my dad and for 90% of my life he's been very important to me.

That said, however, his views on homosexuality haven't changed much in the last 2 years. He is deeply religious and is hasty to label things as evil. The only reason that he's stopped being so upset about it is because I keep telling him that I'm straight, so he doesn't have much of a reason to get angry.

I don't want to poison the relationship any further. That's why, like I said, I'm just going to extinguish any gay feelings I have for now. Later on, when I'm financially independent, I'll get to call the shots.

Another thing: while my relationship with my parents is important, I don't want it to become a suicide pact. My mom and dad are typically quite sad people, and my mom in particular has a defeatist personality. Luckily I've learned to keep a stiff upper lip, and for the most part I rarely give up on things or feel sorry for myself. I look forward to the day, hopefully in the very near future, when I can establish myself somewhere outside of this house.

 

Your call. It's not like my parents know the ins and outs of my sex life either. There's a fair chance it won't come up.

 

Cheers and much Respect.. you are wiser than your age!

 

You are indeed wise. You're fully aware of the price you are paying for your education. I have a feeling that when this is all over, you won't be looking back.

I wish you the best of luck with college.

 

I ain't that wise, in fact you guys have made me realize that I'm still pretty young and that I'm probably making a big deal about nothing.

Also, I think it is kind of a stupid decision for me to try and extinguish any gay feelings. I don't want to end up as a closeted homosexual going around telling people about how sinful homosexuality is, or worse, I don't want to get involved with a girl and then break her heart. So I'm going to go on experimenting, in secret of course. It is too early for me to say that I'm gay, but it's also too early for me to try and force myself to be straight.

I really appreciate all the advice here. So many gay-oriented forums are all about sex and hooking up, so it's nice to be able to find some intelligent people like you guys to help me out.

 

Henry101 .... i had a similar struggle at your age on same subject. I decided to concentrate on getting my college degrees. While doing it I silently dated as my feelings indicate ..but after a while I came back to the hetero preference with a mild gay feeling. Most say "slightly" bisexual. I have developed a straight life without suffering any anxiety about my on and off temporary secret bi personality. As I age, and enjoy my family ...I am glad I had satisfied my curiosity and choose the style I feel confortable with. I still find some guys interesting ... and admire them but that's all! - I feel more happy with girls now!

 

Yeah, I think you should experiment a bit. You don't want to live your life wondering what could have been, or in constant denial.


I also don't think you should end your relationship with your father.. Your sex/romantic life is no ones business but your own.

good luck

 

If you were looking for a site that promotes a positive image of gay ppl? Someplace without the mud slinging at gay people?

Heres a gay christian site you may be interested in:
Healing Homosexuality. They also provide a huge link section.

 

As someone who knows from bitter experience that the "ex-gay" movement has a very low success rate, I'm somewhat skeptical about people "extinguishing" their gay feelings. These things have a way of coming back again and again.

Love will come in your life, but you need to be open to it. You can't manufacture or extinguish feelings. You can't make yourself fall in love with a woman or prevent yourself from falling in love with a man.

 

Gore Vidal said that there are no heterosexual or homosexual people, only heterosexual and homosexual acts. This may be true, I don't know, but it does go some way to explaining the idea of fluid sexuality, as oppose to orientation. Bisexuality isn't really the right word for it, because it goes beyond categorisation. Attraction is unpredictable; for all I know tomorrow I'll meet a girl who I will be bowled over by and fall in love with. I wouldn't discount heterosexual relations as a possibility just because I've never had the desire to enter into them before.

It seems to me that you're taking a very good attitude to this. There is no point in denying feelings you've had and may have again, but it is always your decision whether you act on them. I also don't think you ever need to say you're gay; people make such a big deal about how liberating coming out is, but as you know it brings its own problems with it. You don't have to commit yourself to a sexual orientation if that classification doesn't fit what you are.

 

SelfControl: I've read about a theory that sexuality is like a bell curve, with some people on both ends being exclusively gay and others exclusively straight, while the majority of the population is clustered around the centre, ie, mildly bisexual.

Another question, as I try to chart my way out of the closet. Where do I go to meet gay guys who aren't just interested in hooking up? I come here and see a lot of thoughtful-sounding guys, but thus far my experience with gay relationships has usually just been sex and nothing else. I'm kind of a sensitive person, so this doesn't appeal to me very much. I'd prefer a caring relationship to anything else.

Up til now I've been reluctant to go to my university's gay student club, basically for all the reasons I talked about in my original post. Perhaps that's where I should be.

 

Many people disown gay children, which is why they fear being exposed.

And he's got even bigger worries, one of the reasons why I thank God daily I'm not gay is the way they treat each other. "So what if I gave him AIDS it was his fault for not using a condom" or what have you. Alcoholism, substance abuse, crystal meth - they spend much more of their time and energy killing themselves and each other than any fratboy with a baseball bat would.

You have to separate your problems with your father from simple disillusionment with the gay lifestyle. And by that I mean the constantly clubbing, what was your name again, I don't care who I hurt or who hurts me trip so many of em fall into.

 

Iron Goth, I appreciate your input. But I'm not constantly clubbing nor do I use drugs. I know that there are quite a lot of people like that, but I'm not. You could say that I'm more like a girl in the sense that intimacy and companionship are more important to me than just sex. This desire to have a guy to be with and to take care of me is something which has been a part of my personality ever since I became sexually aware. Figuring out how to deal with this is not easy.