What is your definition of Addiction?

Since September 2005 I have been using coke. At the beginning I was an on and off user. I knew I was playing with fire, as I would fall into lapses of cocaine "pyschosis". All I would think about was scoring coke and about the next days line. I eventually realized what I was doing, and stopped for a week or so before going back to it (I took a break not saying I was going to quit). One day at school, during one of these periods, I fell hard. I did it 4-5 times during school. By the end of the day I was ripping off my clothes from the come down in agony. That one time I said thats it. I'm done. I was going to sell the rest of what I had. 2 hours later, that very day, I called my dealer and got a 1/2 gram.

Since that day I have successfully resticted myself. I don't use every day but at usually every other day. Sometimes I manage myself to not do it over three days. Recently (after the beginning of the new year) I have been getting into using it heavily. I still manage myself down to at least every other day (only so I don't build a huge tolerance). On the other day though I usually use twice throughout the day. But I have bought 2 grams over 2 weeks.

I know I am in at least the thoes of an addiction, if I am not addicted already. I have taken breaks 1 week or so, and by the end of the week I was irritable and had massive headaches. I think I am addicted but find myself without reason to quit. I have more friends than I have ever had in my entire life. I am doing great in school (after a fall in my grades I have began studying and doing my homework). My friends say I should quit but I usually ignore them. Even though I should be happy I suffer from constant depression and feel that if I told a shrink I would be rejected for just trying to get drugs (I was caught once doing nitrous and my Mom told my doctor). During the day, every day the two things that run through my mind usually are when I am going to do a line or when am I going to kill myself.

Today, I had a turn around and realized that I am falling to far into this. Throughout this week I have sold lines and blew alot. All I talked about this week were drugs and how I wanted to get messed up. My palms get sweaty everytime its mentioned. Even though I know the conflict I am in, I cannot find reason in myself to quit though. I have thought about life without drugs or at least just coke and it just felt empty. This may sound funny but the only thing keeping me alive now in coke. If I hadn't found coke I would probably have commited suicide by now. I know I should quit but I don't know one person who could convince me to quit.

I began to really start smoking last week.

I did a line right before writing this.

I'm 14.

 

I'm probably way out of my league with this post, but I'll give an honest opinion. Hopefully there is someone else with better ideas on these forums which could more properly guide you.

You anwsered your question in the first sentence of the third paragraph. Anyone elses deffinition doesn't matter. The paragraph continues describing the physical ailments you endure after you give yourself a break (irritablility and severe headaches) and the sweaty palms you get when the drug is mentioned. These insights seem to describe a physical addiction, or at least mental addiction severe enough to cause real withdrawl symtoms and physical reaction at the mention of the drug.

Some addictions take hold of a person so strong that they need additional help reguardless of their age. Your statements of your current mental state lead me to believe that you may be one of these people. The phone book in your area must have listings of Narc-Anon Teen type organization. Some of these programs are free if money is a problem with you. If you go to a shrink, don't be too surprised if he believes you and can guide you with your recovery.

Again, I'm out of my league, but I heard sometimes people will replace one addiction with another. You mentioned you started smoking a lot more. Smoking cigarrettes at this point are less harmfull, in the short run. If you were to smoke a lot more pot, or whatever other drug, seems you really havn't made that much progress.

Also, for the most part, people on these forums do wish to help. They have experiences in these matters and can offer better advice than I can. Could be a good idea to listen to them. There are, however, a minority of malicious individuals with nothing better to do than writing worthless hurtful posts. Ignore these idiots. You have the ability to block their posts, if necessary, do so.

Lots of luck. Keep us posted.