the tell a lame-ass joke thread

lol, aw no, that's appalingly hillarious.

 

= from the uk forum =


What's E.T short for?




he has little legs

*collapses to the ground in helpless giggles* oh dear. I am sad.

 

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


What's brown and sticky? A stick.


Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.


What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.

 

that stick joke is always a classic....it was funny on page one, it was funny a few pages later and it's funny now


(i don't mean the above in a mean way by the way, i actually do quite like it )

 

eww, the Dolmio grin

 

omg, that's SO gross....eewwwww, ahahahaha, ewwwwwwww

 

What do you call a woman with no arms or legs on a bbq?
Patty!

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your mailbox?
Bill!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who lives in a bush?
Russell!

What do you call a man with no arms or legs at your doorstep?
Matt! (No offense Mattie)

What do you call a man with a spade in his head.. uh and no arms and legs?
Doug!

What's he called when the spade falls out?
Douglas!

How do you make a kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it

What is Beethoven doing in his grave?
Decomposing

 

What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were still alive today?
Scratching at the lid on her coffin.

Edit: I know she was creamated, it's still a good joke.

 

hahahah!! oh man that's funny

 

This one nearly killed me with giggles, I nicked it from my little brother:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes
by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH DEAR GOD NO!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President, devastated,
looks up and asks..........

''How many is a Brazillion ??!'

 

that brazillion one is HILARIOUS!

 

Okay, this joke is sorta racist.. but.. ah... uh..
*munches on some curry, so it's okay*


An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman, he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that pile." So the foreman went away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is still untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese fella that he awasa in acharge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese lad in chairge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells: "SUPPLIES!"

 

What military division do babies join?

The infantry...

 

Long but very good!!!!

Subject: Disaster hits Auckland

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early
hours of Tuesday.

Epicentre: Otara, ManukauCity

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "Fockin Kewl"
and "Cher Bro".

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately $30 worth of
damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Rainbows End
were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were
disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their dole cheques
arrived. Local News reported that hundreds of residents were confused
and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Manukau City

One resident - Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15-year old mother of 5, said "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my
bedroom crying. My youngest two : Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Infomercials
the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as
normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Lion Red to
the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still
searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of
personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from The $2
Shop, and Bone China from The Warehouse.

How you can help?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items urgently needed include:-

Fila or Flexifit baseball caps
Kappa tracksuits tops, (his and hers)
Hoodies
(female) White sports socks
Timberland boots
and any other items usually sold in Rebel Sport.



Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:-

Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice-cream
Cans of DB Export or Lion Red



Donations also gratefully accepted - remember your money counts:-

22c buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
$5 buys chips, crisps and Fanta for a family of 9
$15 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of
those worst affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter as the sight of posh housing is
unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas of Mangere &
Papatoetoe.

 

This came from the forums...cant remember which one..


What did one snowman say to the other?

















Do you smell carrots???!!!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

Awesome

 

Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella???











Fo' Drizzle, my nizzell!!! (Out of the TV Guide)

 

that snoop dog one is old.

But... that auckland one.... HILARIOUS!!

 

Its bloody good isn't it. (The Auck one) see even IN Auckland everyone hates everyone. My uncle cried when he read that. Hehehehehehe!!! They ended up reading it out on The Rock, it must've gotten around pretty quick too.

Well if its in the TV guide it must be hehehehehe (The Snoop one)!

 

why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.


what does mozart do now that he's dead? He decomposes...


what did the grapes say when the monks stepped on them? Nothing, they just let out a little whine.