I often question my sanity

I must have asked myself if i have lost my sanity, or indeed ever possessed sanity, hundreds, perhaps thousands of times over the past 17 years. The response i get differs depending on my situation at the time, my moods, what others have said...but a few times the reply-

"Am i insane? Of course i am."

has come back to me. I suppose its only logical.

Im not like the majority of people. It sounds confused-teenagerish, like a "shell grow out of it" kind of thing, but im simply not like anyone i have ever encountered. Sometimes i meet people and i feel a flicker of hope...they have a look in their eyes like they understand...i talk and they listen patiently, nod their head. I believe they must be on that same "wavelength" or "plane" or whatever the hell it is im sailing on. But i always discover i was wrong. They may be close to knowing, but they never really do understand what im trying to say, how im thinking, what im envisioning...

Ive never really felt like i was fully on this planet. A part of me was always floating above, looking down from somewhere else, analysing, judging, deciding...
As a child i barely spoke. Although i loved being a child, had desires to lead the other children, to win sports day races and to talk to them, i never really became skilled at being human. My thoughts held me back. I wondered where i came from, where they came from, why we came. I constructed abstract poetry in my head during lessons. Drew pictures of myself flying among flying elephants, cats, and the planets. Things the teacher was saying, i seemed to instinctively know anyway. Id daydream. Id imagine the future of this planet, how we could all live. I just spent the years floating on some invisible wave of thought and i couldnt seem to ground myself.

Now, at nearly 18, i believe Ive managed to give the impression of falling back to Earth with a pleasing bump. I work, go to college, am in a relationship and have concrete plans for my future. Ive found subjects i can pass exams in, and im passing those exams. But during all this, theres still this yearning within me. I long to talk to someone who has had exactly the same kind of thoughts as me. Who genuinely believed until they were 10 that they werent really on this planet to stay for a lifetime. They were just hanging above looking down on it all for a while. Who has ideas about the things i have ideas about. Who doesnt obssess over houses and popstars and money and all those things that dont really matter.

With my boyfriend, im close to this ideal. He clearly thinks a lot, can analyse, has interesting ideas. I love him, and i love our plans. But theres still that question which pops up in my mind every now and then--"is all this just a cover up for the fact that youre a nutcase? Did you settle for this because you never found any other children who wanted to fly with the elephants?"...

Is it natural to believe you are truly mad every now and then?

Wow, this was long. My apologies. Ill go away now.

Xx

 

You're not mad! If you're mad, than everyone is mad! You are just a dreamer, like many people. This is mine opinion.
Peace

 

Thank you marija great sig pic by the way...

Ive been thinking(shocker) since i made this post, and at the deepest core of me i DONT believe im mad. But sometimes itll crop up...as most things do with me, seeing as i think consciously and intensely almost every second of every day. No, i dont think im insane. I still havent solved the mystery as to why i feel this way sometimes, but its not insanity. Its just...difference? Im not sure if this makes it any better or not.

Anyway, this feeling has calmed down a lot since i was a child. Since i began studying properly, since i met my boyfriend. I still dream, but can force myself to do practical tasks if i must. The only thing i regret is not being able to feel like im wholly involved in my relationship. When im "with" my boyfriend, or anyone for that matter, a part of me is still not there. But i suppose ill just have to learn to live with this.

Thanks again

Love-Maxi.Xx

 

Strangely enough, I understand what you're talking about, though I admit I can't say I've experienced all of the same feelings you have.

Since I'm a computer programmer and am very logical, I am quite certain that I am sane, and have never believed myself to be actually insane, I have always been able to rationalize everything out for the most part.

That being said, I'm the kind of person that can think EVERYWHERE inside the box, but I'm not THAT great at thinking outside the box.

But, there have been a few times, where I've thought, "man, people are just so different from me ... I think so differently from them, that they can't even understand me sometimes ... is this not insanity?"

However, with some rationalizing, I realize that insanity is not about other people interpreting your thoughts, its about your thoughts not being coherent even to yourself. If your thoughts are coherent to YOU, then they are still coherent, even if they are too advanced, technical, or in some other scope that no other person can understand.

Thus, you are not insane, you just think much differently that most of society. And for that, I congratulate you. =)

 

Oh wow, thats so right. I suppose i realised this on some level previously, but ive never been able to put it into words like this, so thank you Yes, my thoughts make perfect sense to me, even if they do become a little complex sometimes and give me headache, or make me lose track of time for a while. But yes, i understand my mind perfectly.

I suppose the only question left now is the one you asked "Why do i appear to be so different from everyone else?"...But then i suppose this is a huge generalisation which could never be proved. Perhaps other people just keep these kind of thoughts quiet, or something. Or theyre more skilled at ignoring them?

Thanks again

-Maxi.Xx

 

Well, ignorance is not a skill ... ignorance is, well, ignorance, it is the complete absence of skill, and wisdom. At least, from a demi-Buddhist standpoint (mine).

I think the answer to the question "Why do I appear so different from everyone else?" may be a similar answer to the same question asked of myself, or many other people that also appear so different.

The problem is, I'm willing to bet that 1 out of every 1000 people is "different" in such a way as you describe. However, how many people know how different you are? There are maybe only a select few ... maybe 10, that understand how different I am, and even then it is more of a superficial understanding, because they don't focus on why my life is different, they focus on why their life is different.

If you work out the sane statistics there, that means, there is a pretty darn low chance of two people who are both very different actually getting to know one another deeply enough to understand that both are much different from society. Which leaves those who are isolated alone in their thoughts and ponderings, and with less perspective to actually answer that question, "why am I so different from everyone else?"

I suppose if you really want to answer that question with wisdom, you have to seek out people that are likewise different from you, and after you know them and they know you, ask them that question, and try to figure it out for yourself.

(Believe me, it wouldn't be the first time a close friend and I stayed up into the wee hours of the morn' talking about things as vague as spirituality and as specific as quantum mechanics. )

Keep in mind: look at the nature of that question, "why am I so different from everyone else?" If you really think about its nature, you must realize, there are a WEALTH of reasons why, but in mathematical terms, if you realize that every event preceding this time and date has had some effect on you, that has made you even the slightest bit different than everyone else, and some of those events have had a much larger effect on you, making you much MORE different. If you sum the "difference factor" of all of the events in your life, and compare them to the sum of the difference factors of other people's lives, you may then have a vague notion of "why am I so different from everyone else?"

That, of course, being impossible for the human mind to actually DO, you may find it helpful to narrow down only the BIG events in your life, (BIG to you, not just to anyone), that have significantly led you down the road that you are on.

For me, that would be, having a backstabbing mother, an evil child-abusing dictator for a father, and being a social outcast all throughout high school thanks to moving to a new school district and getting into computer programming. That, and, trying marijuana. I doubt I ever actually thought outside the box about society, and heck even anything, much before that. (Thanks, Mary Jane!)

But I bet your story is a lot different than mine. I know that these effects had (and still have) a great impact on me, but ... what about you? Care to share? Perhaps we can pull some wisdom out of it all.

And, I apologize if this was too technical for you to follow (especially the part about the summation of difference factors); remember, I think far too much like a computer. But like I said, that's because I was a social outcast in high school, that liked programming computers too much. So you can see where that comes from even in my everyday speech.

 

Ha, you sound a exactly like me versau, and probably a lot of people who come on the internet because they feel the same way. I was thinking of starting a personal forum for people like us...sadly, lately, i've resigned myself to laughing at life. Its a lot easier than getting frustrated at how dysfunctional your interactions with other people are.

For about 3 years I have been going through the same cycle of my thoughts flying out of control and believing i'm truly mad, and then once the temporary madness washes over, i become grounded again and not so afraid of losing it. I posted a thread similar to this one in the Existential forum about this feeling of 'Nausea' I get, I'm guessing you're familiar with Sartre? At the end I came to the conclusion that these feelings of temporary madness and even anxiety are actually beneficial and even essential for a person who is interested in expanding their mind and progressing in their thinking.

That idea also led me to make some conclusions about the 'ignorance' you speak of. Haevy philisophical thinking always runs the risk of taking you into places in your mind where you experience the fear of going insane. This is only a theory, but I believe the absence of thought in a lot of individuals is due to people reaching those intellectual barriers and stopping right there because of the overwhelming fear they might experience. Have you ever experienced a time when you felt a deep desire to know the 'greater' truths in life, and once that occured, your mind just seemed to expand endlessly, more than it ever has in your whole life? That happened to me only about 2-3 years ago. I was a fairly simple minded individual until I quit university and all these strange incidents occured in my life...it was frightening at first because I actually found myself thinking and thinking and thinking, like my head was going to explode. I was so full of anxiety that I couldn't have a relationship for about a year, I coudln't hold a normal conversation with someone. It was only when I realised that there was no need to be afraid the possibility of madness, that I could begin to ease up and just continue to think more and more freely and laterally. And my mind hasn't stopped expanding since then, I learn more in a month now (more emotionally than knowledge) than I ever could in a year of schooling. Ok, I have started rambling, and I have nothing against schooling, its all how the person utilises their circumstances...but the main point i'm trying to make Versau is that it sounds like you might be distant from other people because they have not yet learned to overcome their fears of madness, whilst you show a deep desire to think, to understand, to be truly happy instead of accepting things for face value.

I really like Hikaru Zeros advice and think it was more than adequate, I just thought you could benefit from some more perspective. Don't be afraid...there are beautiful things out there to discover

 

Im with you, and I think I can help you clarify your situation. However, Im in Peru doing a shamanic retreat right now until March 2nd and dont have time to write. I might be able to in a couple weeks and definitely after my trip.



Meanwhile, ill share a theory that might be too out there for you... anyway, what I can say is that a transformation is and has been occurring - on a scale that surpasses even a global shift. This transormation goes in cycles.. possibly infinite. Everything is made up of frequencies (rates of vibration - be it light or sound) and the set of frequencies that humans percieve and utilize is shifting and expanding. Children are naturally tapped into a wider range of frequencies, but based on conditioning their perception of certain ranges of frequencies becomes suppressed. Some children (in your case and mine) cant fully suppress the perception of certain frequencies and therefore cant merge with their surroundings and people around them in a way that feels natural or human. This is merely one aspect that explains the feeling of being different or insane - their are alot of other aspects i am exploring now and can talk with you after my trip.

take care!

AR

 

Oh wow people, thank you so much. I have so much to say to you all, but dont have the time to at the moment ill return as soon as possible to share my thoughts...but every one of your posts made a whole lot of sense to me...you sounded like me

Xx

 

Welcome to the Hip forums, sista. :H

 

i've yet to grow out of thinking i'm crazy. it gets worse, or better, depending on your perspective. as such, i consider it perfectly normal because people are always telling me that they think they're losing their minds & they act perfectly normal, in my opinion. we just happen to be a culture that has come to value oddity & in order to feel good, we must view ourselves as odd, when in fact we're totally unoriginal.

 

Versau, don't feel pressured to validate our comments. That is a lot of information to process just hope it helped.

Oh yeah, i just wanted to say that you have a kind heart, thats more important than anything else

 

Hey I also have similar thoughts and such. Like being distant from a situation and more an observer than a participater. Also deeply analyzing a situation. Im just through this idea out there (im guessing ur similar to me so ur going to think about it alot, but try not to take it to seriously) and Im not a psychologist or anything, but it could be a defense mechanism. A come outcome of all these thoughts is that it keeps you apart and separt from everyone else. Which protects you from getting hurt maybe? Im not judging or saying this is true for you so try not to worry too much. I think that is kinda true for me.

just an idea?
im very interested if you posted back on ur thoughts about this

 

you seem to exhibit some symptoms of aspergers syndrome (lack of ability to get really into human relationships, daydreamy personality). You may very well be a borderline case, although only one of two people 1) you 2) your psychologist will be able to say for certain.

try taking this http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take it may give you a better idea. I've not heard enough to be certain but you do have some attributes that may be as a result of AS or the result of some other personality trait.

the thing an aspie has to learn through experience what most people know instinctively, and as such most problems you may have as a result of it are only during the childhood years. We generally have much higher than average intelligence and even something as complex as human social behaviour is something that can be conquered completely with time.

I self diagnosed myself with this about 6 months ago. It's wierd to have an almost exact description of your behaviour/personality documented on the internet, even to such a fine level of detail it says you should exhibit a much richer vocabulary from a very young age than most, or that you are often gullible and easy to deceive.

I would recommend using MDMA once with your boyfriend. It is the kind of drug that fills you with empathy and understanding for others while maintaining a very lucid state of mind, it may help give you insight into your state of mind, and even teach you lessons to take forward into the future, and perhaps break down the barriers between you two that you say are stopping you from getting 100% involved in the relationship.

 

I think you are too young to be diagnosing yourself with aspergers.

Have you ever spoken to a real aspergers sufferer?

 

You know I think you perfectly sane. Actually I understand where you coming from. I think there are people in this world who have more knowledge about life than others, and for them its hard to relate. I know because as I child I grew up faster than other children. Because I had to step in and be a parent to my brother and sister, because my mom was a single mother trying to do the best she could. Thats how it was defined to me. I really don't know its confusing. Im not saying I fully understand you, but I get what your trying to say. But in no way are you "insane" your perfectly sane in my opinion.