hi all, this is my problem: i have a beautiful son who is almost 4, he is highly intelligent, funny, kind etc... the ONE major complaint i have with him is that he REFUSES to use the potty. he's been shown how, has even done it himself, but he only does it when he wants. i ask him why he won't use it & he replies- and this is a direct quote- "i like having people wipe my ass fro me." normally i'd just let it ride until he's good & ready to do it on his own, but when he poops even if he's only in the diaper for a few minutes he gets a terrible rash. it causes him great pain, so you'd think he'd start using the potty - but no. he'd rather cry when you change him & tells me i hurt his feelings by hurting his rash - even sticking him in the tub & rinsing him with warm water hurts his rash. it makes me feel so useless as a parent- a.) because it is causing him pain & b.) i don't know what to do not to hurt his rash. any experienced mamas or papas out ther with ANY advice? i've trained 2 kids before this & didn't have any trouble. i've pretty much tried every trick i know of so i will definately try any & all techniques. thanx a bunch & blessed be toi all...
Take away the diapers. Keep him naked from the waist down. If he makes a mess intentionally give him time out. When you go out have him not in diapers- let him wear big boy underwear- pick them out. But, unless you are going out for a loooong time don't bring a spare pair. Tell him this. It may sound mean but my guess is that it will work. Keeping robert naked worked because you could see things starting to happen and catch them before he had an accident. He went through a stage where he was having accidents on purpose. Time outs fixed that issue and he fully potty trained at 2 1/2.
does he pee in the potty? My four year old daughter just recently started pooping in the potty, but had been peeing in the potty for over a year already. I think a big part of that was that she was physically unable to poop in a seated position, unless it was really soft poop (and constipation is her main sign of food allergies). I would never advocate what the PP has suggested. Punishment and shame for a bodily function that the child may or may not have total control over? Some kids are ready to use the potty at two, and some not until they are five. Be kind and sensitive to your child's feelings. Don't make it into a big fight. Nobody wins a power struggle. Do not think of your child's actions as a reflection of you as a parent. He is his own individual person, and responsible for his own actions. It's not his fault if he cannot poop on the potty for whatever reason. It's not your fault either. Let him decide when he is ready, without playing any guilt trips or blame games or shaming him because he isn't ready just yet. Let him know that you will still wipe for him if he poops on the potty until he's ready to start wiping himself, reassure him constantly that it's okay, that everyone poops. Talk about all the people you know who poop on the potty, in a fun way, not accusing him or laying on the guilt and shame. Get some books about using the potty. We really like Dr. Sears "You can go to the potty" (I think it's called). He will eventually want to poop on the potty! Chill. I know with my kid, it is always my pushing that causes her to dig her heels in and fight whatever process. Edited - I reread your OP, and I really think you are dealing with more than just potty issues. It sounds as though he has some major food allergy going on if his poop gives him an instant rash. If you can identify the offending food item(s), the poop issue might go away on its own. Food allergies can cause all sorts of other problems in time, if they go unrecognized. People who eat food they are allergic to often develop more and more allergies as they get older and the allergen causes damage to their immune system. They are often overly sensitive to all sorts of other things, sometimes to the point where they cannot function normally in society (in children, this is called SID or sensory integration disorder, in adults it is usually called sensory defensiveness). food allergies can cause aches and pains that people, especially kids, have a hard time associating with what they have eaten. They can cause overproduction of snot, skin irritation, and behavioral issues as well.
thank you both for the advice. food allergies never crossed my mind, we've been having his rashes looked at since he was about 3 months old & none of the doctors ever mentioned anything about allergies. i plan on taking him to the pedi. for his 4 year check up soon, that is definately going to be a topic of major concern. again thanx for the advice.
mamaboogie, your children are absolutely gorgeous!!! my son just fell in love with the little one on the right...
your son is four years old and he refuses to use the potty cuz he likes to have you wipe his butt...... what you should do is that when he has a wet or poopy diaper let him take it off and let him wipe himself and if he refuses to do so do nothing dont wipe his butt. you should use training pants while doing this cuz when he goe pee or poop he will be very uncomfortable and and sooner or later he will use the potty.
take him to an allergist and have some blood drawn for a simple test. Most pediatricians know absolutely nothing about allergies. It doesn't have to be a battle, he is not manipulating you. I believe there is something really wrong, and forcing the issue before you know why will only make it worse.
I was thinking allergies too. But anyway, about the potty training here's what worked for my lil guy... who was 4 years 1 month when he trained too! I had him in disposable diapers. Cloth hadn't crossed my mind as an option yet. We tried "everything" but he just wouldn't train. Well at 6 months pregnant with my 2nd I was determined not to have two kids in diapers. I went out & bought a dozen pair of pull-on pants, and 18 pair of training underwear and told him that when we used up the last diaper in the house, he would have to wear underwear since he was now a big boy. We made a pretty big deal about the last 20 diapers or so. We made a paper chain, and we made muffins together on THE big day so he knew it was special. I explained what was expected of him, and told him I knew he was ready to do it. (he'd been staying dry overnight for about 2 years by now) And I told him that he would be responsible for helping me clean up any accidents. (I used my pregnancy as leverage here... big, bulky mama needs help) I had planned on a month or so of accidents, but he trained THAT DAY!!! He had an accident the 1st two times he had to go, and that was it. All we could come up with was maybe he honestly couldn't feel when he was wet in the disposables??? Whether or not you use cloth, I think the "Big boy" thing could help. Making a big deal out of it seemed to work for my daughter as well, and she was cloth-diapered. love, mom
I had a hard time with my second child. The first one was easy, he was in underwear in a week. The second one refused to try......so finally I took away the diapers. He didn't poop for several days and finally he got a suppository..which he HATED. But he pooped. He had a lot of accidents but he didn't like the mess when there is no diaper to catch it...a year later he was still saying he wanted his diapers back. I doubt it's a food allergy. If my sons don't wipe well enough, they get a red bum. Poop is not a skin-friendly substance when a child is older and eating a lot of different foods it is a lot more harsh than baby poop.
I was just going to agree with mamaboogie. Pediatricians know virtually NOTHNING about food allergies. An allergist (a real one, not some "practicioner" who drops things under his tongue and tries to push his arm down to determine allergies, these are quacks) He will need scratch tests as well as blood tests. The blood test alone is not usually sufficent. Two of my kids and myself have had scratch tests and although they are far from fun, they are very accurate. The RAST blood test is used to help deternine allergies, but should not be used alone. Most allergenic foods: DAIRY, that means all dairy. There is nothing magical about yogurt. If you are allergic to dairy, yogurt is poison to you. (Had to say that, as I am dairy allergic and people are always trying to get me to eat yogurt "because it is natural." WTF? It is still dairy.) Wheat and other glutens. Gluten intolerance is not a true allergy, but can be very serious. Children can also be allergic to grains such as wheat, rye, oats ect. You can also be BOTH gluten intolerant and wheat allergic. Only a good allergist can determine this for your child.) Eggs Peanuts Tree nuts (peanuts are not actually nuts, but a member of the Legume family) Corn Just about anything See a good allergist. My suggestion is to get one at a large university teaching hospital. These doctors are on the cutting edge of things like allergy and will use up to date treatments. I've seen some very outdated treatments (or even refusal to test for allergies, in some cases) from Community hospital doctors. Many children are also lactose intolerant. This is NOT the same as milk allergic. Allergies is the immunes system reacting to a protein in something and mistaking it for an invader, and launching an immune attach. Lactose intolerance happens as children age (most people become lactose intolerance between the ages of 5 and 7, as that is the age of weaning and the body has NO use for milk after these ages.) This is the digestive reaction to a sugar in milk, and the lack of the body to make the enzyme to digest it. Lactose intolerance is almost impossible in infants, yet expected in older children and adults. The best cure for Lactose intolerance, gluten intolerance OR food allergies? AVOID the food. But, he needs to be diagnosed by a good doctor, who knows the immune system of children. I also agree that punishment of any type during toilet learning is going to backfire. No one should feel ashamed of a normal function like pooping, yet punishment for soiling creates shame, and that can lead to problems a hell of a lot worse than a late potty training. Good luck.
One more thing about wiping. Many kids this age just can't do a good enough job. Especially with a messy poop. Any stool remaining on the skin can cause horrible skin problems, and kids with allergies can actually get chemical burns from the acid in stool. If he can't get his butt clean, please wipe him so he isn't even MORE afraid of pooping. I still have to wipe my dd Sage after a messy poop (she's 6) because she just can't get all of it off, and then she gets a rash. She's learning and can do it with a not so messy one. But if it is sticky ect, she is healtier if I help. I often need a washcloth and water to get her really clean, if we don't have time for a bath at the moment. When my dd, Sunshine was 18 months old, she developed food allergies,(right after she weaned ) and got such bad chemical burns, no matter how quickly I changed her, that she needed a medicine they use for BURN and chemical burn victims to treat the rash. Rash is not the right word. Her skin would erupt and peel off, leaving raw holes on her bottom. It was horrible and very painful. We saw a good allegist and eliminated Wheat, Dairy, and Corn and used Silvadine for the burns, and she did better. She outgrew all the allergies except the dairy, which isn't a big problem, as we have little of it in the house.
maggiesugar thank you so much for breaking everything down. i will now start the hunt for an allergist, we live in portland, maine and maine medical center is suppossed to be a very good teaching hospital - also has the best pedi ward in the country- or so they say. thanx to everybody else who has offered advice- i understand what works for some may not work for others- so i'm trying a patchwork approach- alittle bit of everyones advice rolled into one. i think if dyl were to have an accident and had to help clean up - ( get the bucket & rags & what have you) - he'd realize that maybe running for the potty is a good thing. but i don't think chastising him would work. he is such a sensitive soul - i wouldn't want to damage his outlook in any way. my gratitude to all who take time in the forums to help others out- you've become an extended family in ways - bless you for that. blessed be
Nothing wrong with having them help clean up. This is a normal consequence of action. If you or I were to poop on the floor, we'd have to clean it up. I think it is fine to have him help clean up. A lot of people whose kids wet the bed have the child help with the changing sheets and washing, but it is done with no shame, just the "This is what we do when this happens attitude." Good work. Good luck to you. I hope everything works out for you. It may take some time, but you are going about it the right way.
