Do perverts ever change? How serious...

I don't know if this belongs here or in the women's forum, but part of my concern is for my kids, so I'm putting it here. And women will see it here, so here it is.

I don't know where to start. I know that people have different ideas about what kind of behavior is appropriate around kids. I am not really interested in debating whether what my dad did was appropriate. Let's assume it wasn't.

My dad has always been kind of a pervert. He'd make collages out of porn while my mom was at work. He took my brother to a 'party' that turned out to be an orgy for one of his visits when he was eight.

One incident really really bothered me, though. And the other day I read in my local paper that a man got arrested for doing the same thing, actually less. When I got upset about what my dad did his family accused me of making it up and has barely spoken to me since, about 20 years or so. He denies it ever happened and they believe him. Only my mom believed me.

Basicly, I was alone with my dad in a car in the middle of nowhere. I hardly ever saw him, so it was very unusual for us to go somewhere alone. He had cut off shorts on and his dick kept slipping out of them. I was in the front passenger seat, we were getting farther from civilization. He kept looking at me and at it. I told him to please put it away. He wouldn't. He was excited. He said I was overreacting. He refused to keep it in his shorts. I got mad. Not the reaction he was hoping for, I think. He kept giggling. It was frightening for me because I had no idea what he was going to do. He seemed to be enjoying my discomfort.

We met a lady friend of his at a river and they went swimming. I just hoped nothing else would happen. I had already seen him do some crazy crazy things, so I had no idea how far he'd take anything.

I told my mom about it and I never went anywhere alone with him again.

That was not the only pervert incident, for sure. But when I read that a guy got arrested for letting his dick slip out of his shorts in front of a little girl on purpose repeatedly the other day, it really brought a lot up for me. I mean, if my dad won't even admit that it happened, why, oh why, should I believe he wouldn't do it again to my kids?

Now, though, 20 years later, I have 2 daughters. He's with his 3rd wife. He cut his hair and shaves his beard now and has a respectable job. So, everyone thinks that he really got his act together. His current wife believes he can do no wrong. I still think he's a total pervert, though. I don't trust him around my daughters.

How can I protect my kids from him without creating a huge scene and being accused of lying and all this bullshit all over again?

Or should I just forget about that and not even have any contact with him? As it is I sometimes go for years without hearing from him. Then, depending on who he's married to, he'll call more often and maybe guilt trip me because he doesn't see the kids. My brother won't talk to him at all.

I just feel like he can't be trusted at all if he would do that, then lie about it, and let a child take all that heat from his family. (They had me knealing and praying to Jesus to forgive me for making it up. I told them to go to hell because I wasn't lying.)

So, parents, can perverts change? Should I let him see my kids? Or should I go with my gut instinct and assume that he still has the urge to do creepy things?

 

In my personal opinion and experience, perverts don't change.

My father had a respectable job, a nice family, was a very active member of his church congregation, and then was accused of raping my sisters. Somehow, the evidence disappeared and he wasn't charged.

Then, about 15 or 20 years later, he's got another respectable job, a nice family, is an active member in a church congregation once again, and molested me. I never said anything, because I believed that I was just dreaming it all and that my dad wouldn't do anything like that, being the respectable man he was. It wasn't until almost 10 years later that I learned the truth of his past and started to reflect on my "dreams".

Now, when he's out with my little brothers, they notice him watching his granddaughters with a very odd look on his face. He's asked my little brother to take pictures of his girlfriend.

If a pervert is not ever charged or treated, no. They cannot change.

 

I agree with hippy freak perverts do not change. I would go with your gut instinct 99% of the time it is usually correct. If your father did that to you and lied about it who knows what mental damage he would do toyour kids. I am in a similar situation except my dad is a druggie alcocholic and i dont want my family to be around that so i just stopped talking to him and visiting him. the only time he sees my family is when he is sober and he comes over to my place i keep the visits short to about 20 minutes then i kick him out. so as i was saying go with your gut it was put there for a reason.

 

Women have great intuition about things....use yours. i remember being 15 and i always felt strange around a certain friends father. it was in his look...his whole being......i just felt like he was "looking" at me sexually even though i could not ever pinpoint anything particular he had done. he went to church and had been married for 20 years with two daughters. then a few years later he went to jail for molesting a niece and a few others. everyone was shocked and i just thought "i knew it!"

 

Trust your instincts, Mama, always. Nothing else matters.

 

I would definitely stay away. If my dad had been like that, I would rather not have had a father at all. There are plenty of other male role models to be had.... a man who gets off on showing his dick to his daughter is not one of them.

Please keep your girls away. I was molested by a man who had been at it for generations. He was in his 80's when I came along....my mother's uncle. As an adult, I found out that he had gotten at almost every female member of the entire family.

 

hun always got with your gut when it comes to your kids. if he could do that to you he most definately can & more than likely will do it to your kids if given the opportunity. it may be hard - but tell him to stay away. if his family doesn't like it too damn bad. your children are your top priority- screw what anyone else thinks. be strong & keep those little ones away from him.

 

nah they dont change, they morph.... nothing more nothing less, just change bits n pieces into something else so that they can continue on in their lil screwed up fantasy worlds n go about fukkin with others minds for ever,,, just different ways forms n situations,,,...
as all the others said go with your guts,,,,,

my father was a professional molester as well ,,, and still is i am sure of it... j st a different situation , with different people that because of their life expereinces think he is a wonderful man (just a bit better than the other hubby , daddy was...haha)..
for years i went through cycles....its a hidden thing n we live n deal with it ,, over the years it went to no i cant deal with it like i thought,,, told the new family etc n kept my kids a good distance unless i was around at all times,,, then as i grew older n watched n saw things with the new family i kept mentioning it to the other "kids" n saying watch it man,,, etc etc,,,
then it became a complete guilt thing for me,,, wanting to confront etc, etc,,, until finally for my own sake n my kids i just completely walked out n completely keep my kids away from him.. became the black sheep , the liar, the this the that,,,, n finally 20 years after the fact I am comfortable in my decisions of leaving my kids without the grampa figure ,,, without a gramma n without other kids to play with in the family(cousins etc... ).. when they are old enough to completely understand it all ,they will n i hope they can see why i chose the path i chose for all of us... not to take family away not to isolate them,, not to make anyone out to be anything not to piss the world off but hopefully to keep them safe from this man because i know that he continues to be a perverted sickening disgusting pig that will always be that way...

 

My ex-husband is the same way. He molested three of my older kids that I know of. Maybe all five of them, but I'm not sure. I cringe today when my daughter allows her two children to spend the night at his house. She says that his wife would not let anything happen to the kids, but I was home when he was molesting my kids. I didn't know anything about it until after the fact. I don't think they're safe with him. But I'm not their mom so I can't keep them away from him. You have to do everything you can to protect your babies. A child molester never changes, no matter how much treatment or anything else they get. Don't apologize just keep them safe. If you must see him, don't ever let your babies out of your sight.

Kathi

 

Hugs and peace to all you ladies who had to live through this with someone you should have been able to trust (the guy who got me was not a family member, and somehow, it doesn't seem as bad )

Levi, I wouldn't let your babies within a thousand feet of him. Child Molesters do not change. There is basically no way to treat them, they virtually ALL "reoffend" and no child is safe around anyone who EVER did anything unseemly to an other child.

I only saw my maternal grandfather one time in my life. I was told "He lives very far away." (Turns out he was only a few miles.) None of his children had any contact with him after they left home (or were "kicked out" as it usually went.) My mother swears up and down that "he never touched me, except to hit me." But I don't beleive her. The horror her sisters exibit when they (seldomly) speak of this man, and the fact, that the one time I did meet him, my mother kept within two feet of me the entire time, jumped up from the chair when he approached me, (I was about three, and pretty clueless) would not let his wife "show me the house," and I was basically dragged out of the house, within three minutes of dinner, says something did happen.

She's 65, and I doubt either she or her sisters will EVER tell anyone what happened to them. There was SO MUCH guilt involved in this family, and AFAIK, I was the only grandchild who ever even met him. My mother and her sisters and brother just kept their children safe. By staying away from him. There were NO tears shed at this man's funeral, he died when I was 12, and some of my cousins didn't even realize he was still alive. My mother and her sisters actually were irritated and felt angry that they had to attend. (I remember telling my mom, "Just don't go, if you hate it that much." But she was worried "what will people think" as were her sisters. It would have said a lot if NONE of his children came to his funeral. I wish they hadn't.

Levi, your father will not change. Harming children is a CHOICE, and those who choose to do it, never choose not to. Or don't choose not to for long. I don't give a shit whether it is "an illlness" or not. Child molesters not only don't belong around children EVER, they don't belong out in society EVER. But, in our patriarchial society, the best we can do is to keep our own babies safe.

Listen to your instincts, Levi. They are telling you NO! Keep your babies safe. Chances are, he has gotten more sophisticated, and more sneaky than he was years ago. Don't trust him.

 

I've lived through this too with a family member, my thoughts are with you. Keep your children away from him at all cost. These people very rarely change. Trust your instinct.

 

No.

First off, press charges against your father.

Second of all, tell his family to take a f*ck at a rolling donut. Hang up whenever they call and tell them where they can shove their Jesus.

This man is a menace to children.

Best thing to do is let the wrong people know what he likes to do with kids and they'll discover him in pieces behind a dumpster.

 

I was really reluctant to post this thread, but now I'm glad I did. Thank you so much, folks, for just confirming for me that I need to trust my instincts and I'm not overreacting or something. If he did do something to my kids, I would feel unbearably guilty about not trusting my instincts.


I guess I only doubted myself because the whole family reacted the way they did.

What people said about molesters just acting as if they've cleaned up their act really rings true in my case. When that happened to me, my dad was even dating teenagers (when I was 12). Then he cut his hair and went back to school and married a lawyer his own age. Everyone really seemed to feel that he could do no wrong. I don't feel like I can ever trust him, though, especially since he won't even admit what happened.

Now I live 2500 miles away from him and I only hear from him if someone dies or he gets married and his new wife wants to see my kids. That's the thing, though. His current wife has no idea about his past and doesn't trust me at all. (I think it really bothers her that she and I are not very far apart in age. She won't tell me how old she is, though.) But she doesn't know why my kids and my brother and I don't have more contact with him and pressures me to bring the kids back east. I have no desire to tell her why and be accused of lying again, so I'm just vague and evasive with her about why we can't visit.

Anyway, I'm just relieved to read what people said and feel like I'm not overreacting.

 

((((Levi))))

Does this woman have children? Or is there the possibility of them having children or trying to be foster parents or be around children at all? If so, you might want to reconsider.

If she already doesn't trust you, then it's not like you'd be losing much for her to take what you have to say the wrong way. And if you can get your brother to join you in telling her, almost like a phone-intervention, maybe then, it would ring a bit more true to her. I know it's not easy. But by not telling her, if there are ever children around, you could be saving someone else's innocence.

 

WTF?

Just tell her.

"Listen, you married a child molesting asshole. I don't want him around my kids. And I don't want you around my kids either. I'm used to people talking smack about me being a liar. Point being, they ain't your kids, they're mine, and I'm protecting them against an abuser. Goodbye. Don't phone back."

Put their # on call block.

Be done with it.

 

Double WTF?

This is him trying to get her to talk you into bringing fresh meat around his way.

Call some big people to break your father's kneecaps

Call your mother in law and tell her to lose your phone number or else

Call the phone company and block their calls

Call everyone else in your family and tell them if they ain't with you they're against you and to FOAD

 

Like I said, protect your babies at all costs. You can find a new family of choice. You don't have to hang around the family of origin. They don't deserve you or your kids.

As far as telling his new wife, it probably won't do any good. I my case wife number 2 and i (wife number 1) both tried to tell wife number 3. She wouldn't believe us until she almost lost her own kids because of him. Now wife number 4 thinks he's perfect. Although my daughter says she's always very aware of where he is and where the kids are when my grandchildren are at his house. I just hope he keeps his hands off them.

Kathi

 

Geez, Dakota's Mom, I think I'd be nauseous with worry if the grandkids were over there. I know you can't do anything, though.