last week i think i died...im not sure..it was hard to tell. it felt like my gut had been wrenched out and i cried until i was sick. its over with my dad, id say forever, but i dont know how long forvere is, i dont know if forveer is long enough, or if indeed i am naive enough to try again in the future. throughout the first week of the holiday, i coped. i battled through, bit my tongue, suppressed my feelings and held back the tears but after two days the converstaion dried up. i dont know my 'dad', he doesnt know me. i thought i had forgiven him and moved on past old hurts but i obviously hadnt. i feel like my heart has been broken all over again. at the end of the first week me and my dad had a massive argument, well... a fight...i couldnt breathe through gasps or see through the tears. he ridiculed me and laughed in my crying face. he cut off my every sentence and twisted my words. i have never felt such a physical heart break. i packed my bags and wanted to leave but i couldnt, i had no money, couldnt ask my dad, tried to think of ways to get home. reckoned i could get to calais but wouldnt be able to cross the channel. i felt so alone and stranded, slept for two nights out by the river just thinking and prayin and singing and tryin to clear my head. i have never had such a horrible holiday. we got back to tunbridge wells in kent last night at half ten. dad refused to drive me home or give me any money so i had to call my friend to come and drive two hours to pick me up. i have wonderful friends... when i said goodbye to my dad we didnt make eye contact and it broke my heart all over again. ive lost him for good, part of me cares and the rest of me hates him so much more than before. i should never have gone on holiday, now its a million times worse love a lost luchi x
hey im really sorry about your fight with your dad sweets.. i had a fight with mine too and it was so horrible. ive told my dad i wasnt his kid anymore.. i meant it and he still haraases me about it... im really mad at him for some things he told me.. can you talk to him? can you try to? life is too short.. and he's your baby.. you're his girl and he cant run away from you... tih sis such an important time to really make "use" of your friends because they are here for you... your dad is still fuming so give him time but do talk to him.. he's had faults too im sure so dont feel like its all yours... i know youre at the worst of the worst but now it can only get better from here. i dont know what to say becuse im in a shitty mood but for now this is my best.. tell me how it goes ok?
thanks babe, but nah...cant talk to him..that the main reason why we have had a fight anyways...plus its too late now, ive let too much stuff build up over too long. i wont be seeing my dad for a very long time and i think were both quite happy with that, in a way..
awww babe *hug* u know i was out there babe and awaiting a call from you *hugs* Keep you chin up babe, parhaps it was the way it had to be. If you haddnt gone on this holiday you'd never have known for sure, it was very brave of you to try and thats commendable! *hugs* just remember people are just people, related to you or not, there are many other people in this world who love you so so much. hope you keep your beautiful smile babe. Llama love Fleassy xox
It's important to be able to forgive and forget past hurts, everyone would tell you that. But I think if you try to do that before you're ready, it just makes things worse, and the resentment and pain grows even stronger. Even if it takes ten years, or a lifetime, it's worth trying, just not until you feel you can....
Aww darling I'm really sorry for you *hug* If it makes you feel any better I spoke to Jaz the other day and he says he loves you and really misses you...
thankyou jaz brings me endless smiles...i got home last night to four letters sent by 'jazmail', hes such a sweetheart. thanks fleassy, was gona call you but thought it best not, had no money to join you on the way home. would have much preferred to but maybe that would have made things worse, i duno. but thankyou for the fact that you were there for me, i knew i could call you if i really needed to and i really appreciate that. peacepheonix...its so crazy, i totally agree about the need to forgive, in fact i think of myself as someone really focused on forgiving. i spedn alot of time forgiving and moving on and developin my feelings and growing...and its horrible now coz i truely thought i had got over past hurts involving my father. i had spent so long forgiving him, like, constantly. everyday i would say out loud that i forgave him, i tried so hard and i really felt like id moved on. i think in some ways i had. but i guess it takes two to move on. also a dear friend of mine said to me today that even when you fully forgive someone and move on it doesnt always necessarily mean that things will be ok with that relationship. you always have to forgive, for your own peace within your soul and mind, but forgiving someone doesnt mean that you have to build a relationship from them and sometimes the best thing is to work at forgiving and then move on without tryin to get a relationship back with that person. im not sure where i stand with my father now. i feel at the moment that its time to give up on ever having a relationship with him, but then that feeling is probably down to my current pain. i just cant underatnd why he doesnt want to know me..why doesnt he want to love me? he made me.. i cant understand it. it hurts so much. i hate him yet i want to love him so much. why doesnt he want to love me?
I know what you mean Luchi. In a way, forgiving is the easy part, forgetting is far harder. I know there are friendships I've had, where I can forgive the past, but it'll never be the same again. Sometimes letting it die is less painful....
Whatever you do, don't start feeling that it is somehow your fault... don't go down that path... why doesn't he love me?... it must be my fault... no... there is no point in attributing blame to yourself... it will only make it more difficult for you to find a relationship with your father... I dont know whether forgiveness is the key here or acceptance... you need to accept the fact that your realtionship with your father probably isn't going to be the way you'd wished it could be... if you both ever make the attempt again, you may find that you find it easier from the point of view of forming a relationship with a complete stranger... and just get to know him as a person rather than trying to find a relationship with someone who should be your "father"... there is no easy answer here... just give it time... and maybe something will happen when you are both ready... Hmmmmmm... words of advice?... could it be that I'm turning into HipDad?... Fly... .
Oh big hugs to you Luchi! That must have been so traumatic for you to have been crying and for your father to have ridiculed you, shame on him, he's going to regret alienating such a lovely daughter one day, unfortunately age and wisdom don't necessarily go together.......... Don't be hard on yourself about this at all, you went on holiday with him you did the brave and good thing of trying for a relationship with your father, be proud of yourself, it isn't your fault your father is behaving like a ******** Knowing what I do of you, I think forgiveness will come, but right now concentrate on your relationship with you ( oh and maybe that Jazz lad, he seems quite nice Will put you in my prayers tonight much love Sue
