An intense, all-consuming yearning; I need some help...

I need to vent, folks. Just moved into a fraternity last week, and living here is challenging for me, I don't really know anyone (it's a good kind of challenge though). Went to a club last night for the first time ever, it was alternately ungodly liberating and intensely fun (had an hour long bump n' grind session with this awesome girl on the dance floor), and heart-crushingly lonely (after that girl left the floor, I couldn't get anyone to even look at me, much less dance with me). I'm not sure if I'm being too forward, not forward enough, or if I'm just a bad dancer or something, blah!

It feels like there's this huge, deep, black well inside me, and I want so desperately just to be able to fill it. It's so intense, this yearning to be connected with someone, anyone. I don't even care with who right now, as long as theyre attractive, I just want to get lost in my passion with someone and wake up next to them lying naked and smiling the next morning, anything to fill this terrible void in my heart. I don't care if it's only for one night and I never see them again, and I have to go and find someone different tommorrow. I'm so not ready for a relationship right now, I don't think I realized it until now.

I think it's partly missing what I had with my ex-wife (we split up 5-6 weeks ago), and partly missing what I never had with her, but always wanted. I never let myself explore or focus on that very much, I was so shut down these past 2 years. I just want to feel alive and connected and filled again, and I don't even give a fuck if I get hurt or come crashing down in a fiery wreck at the end of it all. Oh fuck, I'm crying now...

I guess I've got some emotional shit to deal with, and I don't quite know how to face it yet. It seems like its always there, and the only thing I can do to get rid of it is to try and drown it. But it's still always there, and whenever I'm not around other people I feel it so keenly and sharply. But the second I start talking to someone (anyone), it goes away. I feel like socializing is becoming a drug for me, it feels so good and being without it, even for a little bit, is agonizing, and all I can think about is finding people to be with again. I can't even stand being by myself for an hour without feeling like I'm going to jump out of my skin.

This is the first time I've let myself cry since the divorce. Can you fucking believe that? I'll probably end up going to a club tonight, even if its by myself. I just want life to swallow me up and take away this pain, I don't want to face it right now, sometimes its just too intense, I can't seem to enjoy ANYTHING unless I'm doing it with another person, 'cuz I just get overwhelmed by that intense yearning.

Does anyone else here know what the hell I'm talking about, or been through shit like this before? Any advice or insight you can offer would be appreciated.

 

I think that you are trying to get your mind off of your divorce and your wife and not remembering to take care of yourself. You aren't going to have any successful or healthy relationships or friendships until you are truely healed. This may take weeks, months, or years...it's different for everyone.

You probably want to be social because you are yearning for love and acceptance...when you don't even have love and acceptance from yourself. Just my opinion, of course.

 

im very sorry. i dont know you at all, (this is guna sound cheesy...) but ive seen your posts here and there to other people and you are very sincere and whole hearted in my interpretation. im only 16 and many people argue i dont know much, but i do feel for your situation. my parents went through a divorce and my mom dealt with things simularly to you. the important thing is that if you are not ready for a relationship and you honestly realize that, then dont be or look for one. it sounds like you need something to help you grow, keep you busy, and most of all, happy. is there a hobby you want to take up?

i dont know if this was of any help to you, but nevertheless, good luck with everything and i wish the best for you. i do beleive everything happens for a reason, and so maybe your being prepared for soemthing greater than you could imagine

 

I agree that the first thing you need to do is regain an image of who you are. You may have to redefine yourself. Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Who you were with your ex might not be who you really are, and finding that person is the first thing you need to do. Understand that being alone isn't a bad thing. You are young, and you will undoubtedly find someone that is right for you. But the best friends are always found when you are NOT looking for them. Learn who you are, love who you are, and then you will attract people that can love the person you are.

I know it hurts. I know that void. It's all you can think about. Please know it isn't because you are not good enough, or a failure or anything like that. Not everyone is attracted to the same types of people. It isn't that one is better than the other. They are just not compatible. Slow down. Find comfort in who you are. Find and bring out your finer qualities about yourself.

And for God's sake, cry. Get your emotion out. Don't be a man and force your feelings back inside. Let them out and get past it. You're going to be just fine.

 

Hey, thanks for the input folks, I really appreciate it. I was hitting a huge emotional low when I wrote that, I've been living in mood swing central, lately .

Mrs. H, what you said makes a lot of sense to me. I think I'm just trying to figure out who I am, 'cuz I've been stuck inside mormonism for a long time, then after I left the church I was still married to a mormon wife for 1 1/2 years. All these new things I'm trying can be kind of overwhelming, but I guess thats the price you pay for change. It's worth it though.

I really like what you said about just being comfortable with who I really am. You definitely need to know who you are before you can really connect with other people in a deep and signifigant way. I think that helps me accept that this is probably going to be a period of my life with a lot of ups and downs, joys and disappointments, loneliness and new relationships. All I can do is learn from those experiences until I figure things out. Thanks.