Eels In The Bathtub And Other Redneck Tales,perhaps

Me, Wes and Melvin went cat-fishing one long-ago night along the Manatawney River. We didn't catch many catfish, but BY GOD! we caught the eels! 3 foot, some 4 foot, it was hard to measure them because they kept twisting. At any rate, we got good and drunk, fell in the river, and brought a 5-gallon bucket of squirming eels back to Melvin's trailer. The plan was to take them, when we sobered up, over to Lee-the-Degree's (his nickname) house. He used to pay $1 apiece! (This was long ago and far away--Wes and Lee are long dead, and $1 would buy 4 gallons of gas or two packs of cigarettes).

Well, as fate would have it, we filled up Melvin's bathtub and dumped the eels in. His wife, a tatooed slut (before being tatooed was "cool"-- then, it was being a cheap frail) got exercised and noisy!

The last thing I remember, besides the eels flying through the trailer air, was the sound of big-lunged Melvin's wife insulting Wes and me, calling us trouble-making assholes.

7 months later, I calculate, I fucked her up on Monocacy Hill when we were both drunk, but I could be wrong-- it may easily have been 8 months. (Or 6-- who knows, remembers or gives a shit!)

BTW-- I was single at the time-- no cheating, baby!

 

funny you should post an article on eels ..just finished off some eels a friend brought me ........one was about 3 1/2 ft long ..had to use 2 pairs of vise grips to peel the skin off.......hard skin but some good

 

Yeah, they're a bitch to clean, but when you fry them, they turn themselves in the pan. BTW-- to kill them, you have to beat them around the tail-- they have some sort of primitive brain there, like dinosaurs.

 

Or like a few people I've run into....

I've caught a few eels off the pier in Ocen View in Norfolk. Man they make you think you've really got a big fish..the strength they have.

I've eaten rattlesnake...when I was very young but just could not eat any eel.

 

I have no eel story, but a redneck story, yes.

A redneck, drunk, middle of the night, hunting story.

My Ex used to run a designated driver service for the local bar. Late one night, 'bout closing time, he had to take a very inebriated neighbor home. Classic West Virginia hillbilly. Oil and gas field bubba. The guy was so sloshed he could barely walk.

They got going down on the river road and hit a deer. Suddenly the guy leaped out of the vehicle, whipped out a knfe, and starts cleaning that deer. The front of the van is all smashed, radiator fluid running everywhere. So, now they get into a big arguement, because the driver wants to get home while he still can, and the drunk guy refuses to leave until that deer meat is in his bag. Well, the arguement woke up the neighbors, and the driver made a hasty retreat, WITHOUT his passenger.
So my ex, he gets that wrecked van home, and starts feeling bad for leaving the guy stranded out in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night, so he gets the car, and goes back for him, only to find the police have already got him.

Now, the rest of the story.

The police decided to confiscate that fresh deer meat for themselves, and just take the drunk guy home. So they load him into the cruiser, and start down the road. Didn't go half a mile when they hit a deer. Crazy dood jumps out of the police car, whips out his knife again (yea, thats right, they never took it from him) and proceeds to clean THAT deer. The cops hung around until he had it done, took THAT one from him too, handcuffed him this time, and then delivered him to his doorstep...

Only in WV..........

 

It was the merry month of May, Lynn and me were fishin' for bait off the spillway at one of the local lakes.
Lynn was lookin' curiously at the rocks below. He said to me, Man" do you see them whiskers!! Whiskers I thought to myself, WTF does that mean.. In the mean time Lynn is getting all excited and a strange look comes over his face, a hungry look. He dang near knocked me off the ledge we were standin' on and ran off in the woods.. Lynn appeared a few minutes later with a small limb from a nearby tree. He went over to the truck and got a huge fish hook that was danglin' from the rear view mirrow.
At this point I'm still wonderin' WTF. Lynn preceeded to fasten the hook onto the limb with ducktape and down onto the rocks he went where he saw the 'whiskers'
Lynn poked the stick with the hook fastened to it up under the big rocks, he poked it in a few times and come out with this HUGE Catfish!! Lynn got the fish to the bank and he go off the hook and was headed back into the water.. Lynn grabed the fightin' fish with his hands and the fish slaped him across the face with his massive tail. Lynn droped the catfish and regained his balance. He kicked the fish back up to the bank and grabed him again, he got the cat in a headlock and the fight was on.. it was man against beast.. Lynn punched the fish in the head and the fish would knock Lynn upside Lynn's head with it's tail. They scuffeled around for a time as I watched franticly from above. I had never see a fish this big, or a man havin' hand to hand combat with one either. It was a sight I will never forget.
Lynn finely wore the fish down and was able to get it to the truck. We hauled ass to the other side of the lake behind some trees. Lynn weighed the fish and it weighed out at 57 lbs and 41 inches long.. Good Grief!! what a monster he was. His teeth were all razor sharp and his fins would rip ya open. Lynn had cuts and scrapes all over his arms and legs and even a few on his face, where the fish had slaped him.
We had a big fish fry and ate the dang thing up. Yum Yum!!
Brightest Blessings
sh

 

One sunny day i felt this rumbling in my gut.What could that be i asked myself.Visions of last nights dinner were rapidily filling my head.One in particular,an overstuffed bean and rice burrito with green chilie sauce seemed to stick out more than the others.Could it be?Why yes it was,i had to take a shit.Not an ordinary shit but a massive grumbling turd for shure.Eye balling the front door i could see plainly that it was to be an outdoor shit.Oh man was i in heaven,i was about to take a massive outdoor shit!What a way to prove my manhood and to show my self sufficiency.i was to be truly one with the land.So there i squatted,thanking the earth for it's part and with a big tthhht i let loose.It was multi colored and a record 12 inches long.One for the books.Stuffed it and hung that sucker up on my wall for the world to see.They'll know who the man is.i shit and i'm proud and i vote.

 

Three very interesting stories.


First, earthmother. I can believe that story and I can believe the no-good cops took his deer. I agree with the Irish playright Brendan Behan when he said, "I've never seen a situation so dismal that the police can't make it worse." In PA, it's legal to pick up roadkills, drunk or not. (As long as you're not driving, of course.)

What you're describing, SH, is called "noodling" and only crazy people do it. Besides the danger of a large catfish (and they get twice as big as that one) there are other dangerous critters in Texas waters such as cottonmouths and alligator snappers. Up here, in PA, it's illegal.

That's a keeper, Gate, but I've shit some dandies, too. Vodka slows down intestinal action and binds you up. Then, after a 4 day bender with very little bowel action, a mammoth one appears. I've actually screamed when one came out. It's hard to tell how big because they curve around the toilet bowl or break up, but I think I dropped a few foot-long'uns.

I just love the intellectual level on these forums!

 

Hi,
So me Bob and Mick J did some mesc and went fishing down to the Crow River just West of town. Well right about the time I was peaking (of course!) I hooked into something BIG. I was fishing with 20 lb test and some gear that should have handled anything the Midwest could throw at me but this...whatever it was-Muskie or Cat or Sturgeon-just kind of played with me. He would sit still as a log and let me horse him aross the river towards our bank and then just take off. There was no disputing the issue when he decided to run-just give him the line or it was going to snap. "You must have a Jap mini sub there T!" Bob cracked. He was referring to a "Gilligan's Island" episode I think. This went on for a hour-me horsing the monster towards the shore and him running whenever he had had enough of my silly shit. Well Mick J devised a plan to end the battle; "Get him close and see if you can get his head up and I'll brain the sumbich!" Mick J said hoisting a small boulder to his shoulder. With no net or gaffe this seemed a workable plan. Well I worked the monster closer to shore than ever and the waters 8 foot out were swirling as I worked this huge whatever-it-was toward the surface. Mick J raised the boulder over his head waiting for the first look at the beast. I do believe the monster must have seen Mick J standing there with the rock over his head like some caveman because he of a sudden dove with a greater urgency than ever before. "SNAP" went my twenty pound test and for a moment the three of us just stood there frozen in shock and awe.
"Sure would have liked to a seen whatever that was!" Bob finally spoke.
Sure would have....

 

No worries Thud, my Lynn is an old hand at whateven these waters hold, he's been fishing them for 45 years, he's lived here all his life.. He is the Guru of country survival. He's Pure D Country through and through. There ain't much my man can't do in the wild. He is part of a dying breed.
Can you imagain, a fight to the finish with bare hands, man against beast. He ain't nobodys fool either. He knows how and where to grab 'em, and when to let go.

Noodling is when you stick your 'hand' up under the rocks below water level and feel around for big fish.. Lynn used a hook duck taped on a limb. He don't want his fingers bit off. He's not stupid.

 

Yeah, Shameless, but did he ever wrestle a stunned deer? I did, and got the living shit kicked out of me. And, while I was wrestling this spike buck, my cousin drove by. He already suspected I was crazy-- that proved it.


However, he's dead (muscular dystrophy), I assume the deer is dead (it happened 25 years ago) but I'm still here (I think). What that proves, I don't know.Damn, Shameless, next time I swing through Texas, I'll have to meet you and your man-- sounds like we could have some fun down by the river!

 

Thudly, A very ammusing story..lol..
My Lynn has wrestled just about everything that runs on four legs, that roams these parts. Yes and a deer was included in that., also 5 raging emu that got out of the fence. I have never seen a more useless creature then an Emu.

We are getting ready for our annual Easter Campout in a couple of weeks. (we're spreading Pride's ashes at the campsite) This is when we load up on the Catfish. We set out several trot lines and bait them up with shiners. We usually bring in about 20 or 30 a night.
When our tents are set up and the drinkin' commences we gather around the campfire and talk and joke around.. Of course there are a few that don't get drunk bc someone has to watch the kiddos. But they are safe.. there's only one way in and we can see who comes up the road before they see us..
We all watch the kds, we believe it takes a village to raise a child and we are deffenetly a village, there are about 10 or 12 tents up and about 25 or 30 of us that come for the gathering each year. You are most welcome to join us Burl, but I'm afraid you'll have to leave your cats at home.( I'm allergic )

You know whle you were carring that casket down Haight St, I was walking there by you Thud, till we got to The Panhandle and then I went to join some friends. We didn't speak that I recall just kinda walked along.
I had been at Emmitts over on Waller St and had been helping prepare food when they got the insane idea to stage a fake furneral, they were always doing very unpractical things. The Pranksters were street theater as you know and were always up to mischief. They were very elaborate in style and tradition, very ritualistic.
I was barely 17 or not quite and was kinda 'The House Mouse' for a few weeks. I would clean, cook and do odd jobs for room and board. I helped prepare food and mended clothing for distribution to the people and helped keep the Free Store cleanish. I didn't stay long bc I was not into herion and that is what was happening there. That was The Death Of The Hippie, that and speed.
I watched as the very young boys and girls would come through and they'd be all fucked up on smack puking and noddin' out. Kids younger then myself and I was young. When Emmitt OD'd it was like, What was it all for, it was all uncool bc our so called leaders turned into what they hated most. They became currupt, they sold us out for a high and a peice of ass. All of them did.
That's why it was nessasary to re-locate as far away from the city as possible. To get back to the land. I think this was a message stronger than the VN war, telling us to move on to greener pastures. To be true to yourself and to follow no leaders. To reley on yourself and don't believe everything you hear. Always find out the facts before you committ yourself to someone or something.

Well now, I am ramblin' now.. Wakey Bakey ..
sh



Oh BTW Thud, did you ever contact Larry Keenan about the picture of you carring the casket, also check out Lisa Laws website, she may have a copy of it. I know I saw it either @ Larry's site or Lisa's.

 

I have a very good friend who has hunted deer with his bare hands so to speak. Hes an old Nam vet and hes real quick. Guess the deer was freaked out cause of it being the first day of hunting season, and it was running right at him. He reached out as it was running by, grabbed it by the antlers, and used its momentum to shove the antlers into the hillside, already had his knife out, and cut its throat. All in one nice smooth motion...He has leaped on wild turkeys that way too...

 

Shameless-- I checked out Larry Keenan's web-site and all the pictures he has posted there, AND HE CALLS 1966 THE SUMMER OF LOVE! Wrong-- it was 1967, and he doesn't have the pictures. I can find it at my local library on microfilm, but it's terrible quality. I'll have to check Lisa Laws. Jesus! There were literally dozens of photographers and film-shooters from local newstations and what not.


Now, Earthmother, wrestling deer is one thing (if you're half-crazy), BUT WILD TURKEYS! Only if it was shot first and flopping around. NOBODY (including Daniel Boone) ever sneaked up on a healthy wild turkey.

 

Back in '67 me and Tim and Dick thought we needed us some pork, so we drove north of San Fran up to a pig farm somewhere in the dark one night. Tim had himself a big 'ol knife and I knew he was a serious man about whatever he decided to do. We got up there ,parked and Tim went over the fence and finally cornered one 'a the poor critters and took him out amid a buncha of his(?) squealing mates. Took it back to Berkely to Dick's apartment and Tim cleaned him out and I went on back down to Santa Cruz where I was living. I guess they had meat for some time and I was damn glad we didn't get ventilated by an irate pig-farmer that night. It was also the night I tried out my brand new skil-saw on his favorite living room chair. Worked pretty good except for on the springs. We chucked 'er out in the alley and figured the trash men would pick 'er up. His wife banned me from their place for awhile, but forgave me--you can't stay mad at a crazy person for too long,I guess.

 

Back in the '80s we were up in Trinty County in N.Cal. and the neighbor lady had to go out of the canyon a few days and asked us to watch her great dane Lady who had pups under her porch. After running off a cougar who was after the pups one night Lady took a hankerin' for fresh meat.

Well, we had these "neighbors" down the creek a ways who lived in Santa Cruz and came up to the mountains to the 5 or so acres they had for a yearly week of camping. One day they came over to tell us Lady had killed a doe. We thanked them and went and collected the doe which Lady had fun up along side of and pierced it's skull with all four canines.

Tarus Larry and I thanked the neighbors and hauled her home to dress out. Larry and Zoe Rose dressed it out that night trying to avoid the yellow jackets who also like venison. lol

The next day we threw 'er on the barbq and trying to be neighborly I went down to invite the Santa Cruz hippies for dinner which I thought was the right and proper thing to do. The next thing I knew they exclaimed they were vegitarian turned green and piled into thier VW bug and burned rubber back to the city!!!

 

lol.. crazy Vegens