when i was 19

my boyfriend held a gun to my head and threatened to shoot me.

i really really loved him. totally, will all my heart body and soul, i loved him.

i've never let myself love a man as much as that, ever. i've never been hurt so much by another human being in my life.

i havent thought about the gun thing in years, over a decade probably. it all came back to me on my way home from work tonite. when it happened, the police didnt believe me, they found him with the gun and took it away from him, but charges were never pressed against him. i didnt get any counselling. i didnt tell anyone other than the police. not any of my friends, not any of my family. noone.

anyways, it really fucked me up. i think that i've never really been able to let go in love because of it.

 

The ocean is full of fish go out and fish.

 

I guess most of us are robbed of our fist love in one way or another, but not at gun point.

It sounds very dramatic and sad. I am sure there were many other factors that lead to that incident, and if you looked hard at the other things that were going on, with the wisdom of your additional years, you might realize that the love was doomed to fail in any case. It might have been much later in life, and without such a frightening experience, but the relationship would still be over.

If you have not thought about it in years, do you know what prompted you to think of it now? Do you think that it might be time to talk to a professional and resolve the fear and open the door to trust again on that level.

I would also be interested in knowing how you feel it has affected your life? What choices have you made that you might have made differently? More school, different job, living in a different place...ect? Do you think it kept you from being able to give to your future relationships?

My story is not nearly as dramatic, but I too was robbed of love. My first wife and I married very young (I was 20, she was 16). We felt pressure from our strict families to marry, because they were sure we were "acting" married. It lasted almost 5 years, but she needed her wings and I was totally lost. I tried love again 8 years later, and no spark. I knew in the first 2 weeks that I had made a mistake. That one lasted almost 10 years. My third is working much better, (3 years so far and hardly an argument) but I really think the "open marriage" agreement has a lot to do with why I am so happy.

Interesting side note (going way off the thread here..) my first wife contacted me a few years ago and asked if I was single. She had decided I was her soul mate and she wanted me back. My very smart third wife sweetly told me that she could not have me, and that was that.

So what do you do next? Keep us posted.
James

 

I hope your loaded with money.

 

it's a time of change in my life right now. lots of old crap that i've grown past, but that i've never really dealt with keeps bubbling up to the surface. just focusing on embracing and accepting that what has happened in the past has made me into who i am now. recognizing patterns, acknowledging things for what they were/are. there's no point in lamenting past weakness/fear, just need to learn and move on.

dont think it really kept me from having a decent career, but i have definitely made relationship choices based on fear. have had the chance at great love, but in my subconscious terror (because love for me on some level equated death or the possibility of it), turned away from that kind of love and chose relationships that felt safer, but didnt have the potential for greatness, maximum personal growth, and all of that fun stuff.

can you believe that even after that happened we were still together for another 6 months or so. glutton for punishment, i was. it all finally ended when he stood me up on my birthday~he phoned and told me that he was in some other town with some other girl. i took an overdose and ended up in the hospital (another death). you'd think that a gun to the head would be enough for me to shut the door on that relationship! haha, oh well. i'm a much stronger person now.

anyways, i think i'm finally realizing that by not loving with total abandon, i'm only cheating myself and giving myself (and any partner) emptiness. i've done a lot of personal work since then, and attract people of a totally different energy than i did back then. that was 15 yrs ago, after all.

 

ps, SpliffVortex II, you're a weird little spammer! LOL

 

Funny how the past always tends to have a way of sneaking back up on us.

Nimh, I wish you much peace and healing, and when you find the right person, I truly believe that you will be able to finally let go again in love. You need to feel safe before you can do that, and it will probably take time and patience, but keep the hope with you, because you can move on. Believe in yourself.

{{{Hugs}}}

 

thanks for the encouragment hcm, you're such a sweet heart.

 

Glad you seem to have put this guy behind you. No one can fuck up your mind as much as those you love! Hope you find someone that treats you with the respect you deserve.

 

im sorry hun, i really am. this is coming from someone who knows how you feel. stay strong. i seen my ex do something really horrible & after he did it he hit me in the head with his gun & threatened me. told his friends & some of my closest, but its not the type of thing i could have told the cops (for a lot of reasons). its hard to love someone only to have them do something like that it really is a stab in the back. hope you feel better STAY STRONG

 

this was something that happened 15 yrs ago. i think the reason it came up for me again is because it was an emotional block for me. now i now that it's there and i can get rid of the block. i only have nourishing, evolved people in my life now. have grown enourmously since i was 19!

i think i'm gonna close this thread. i'm done with it. thanks everyone.