i've been trying to get to know this girl i met for a little while now. like 3 months. I work two weeks in camp and have one week out, so i get to see her, then im gone 2 weeks, then i get to see her again. It was going ok, we werent having sex or even making out or anything, just being friends going to dinner and stuff. I was going to rent a car and go for a drive with her two days from now when she has a day off. so nothing heavy, just getting to know each other. i think she was coming around. BUT. we went to a bbq last night and then went to the bar with some friends. well, being in camp really coops me up, and im having a problem with a coworker (we pretty much hate each other), and so i've got a lot of pent up rage inside me from that and every other fucked up thing thats happened in my life over the last 3 years, which apparently has turned me into a jeckyll and hyde type of drunk. I got loud and mean and made a real ass of myself. the bartender cut me off, the whole bit. Anyway, i could hear the disdain in her voice just now when i called to apologise, and i know i've destroyed her whole opinion of me. Its a really shitty feeling, hearing that. I think shes pretty much mentally dropped me into the trash bin. i hate being a loser headcase. and i dont like being alone much eiither. but those two things seem to go hand in hand. she was the only prospect ive had in several years. and poof, shes gone. anyway, all my friends are out , so i had to write this up on here to tell someone. maybe she'll get over it, but i dont think it'll ever be the same now.
stop drinking (or having more than one or two) and tell her that you've stopped/drastically limited yourself, because you don't like how you behave when you're drunk, and that her sounding so disappointed/disdainful helped you realize how very much you don't like your behaviour when drunk
someone just shoot me. i hate this shit. i feel like a timebomb. i cant even open my mouth now without digging myself deeper.
looks like your problems root deeper than simply a 'drinking problem'. take a look at your life. are you really ready for a relationship? if you are, just let her know you are sorry, but dont expect her to just forgive you. people who use drinking as an outlet and a sort of control can be scary and people dont like to deal with that. let her come around on her own time. if she doesnt, just dont scare the next girl. dont worry, there will be a next girl .
stop blaming your actions on your coworker or the booze. Own your mistakes and learn from them. It's okay to be angry, your feelings are totally valid. Your actions are not. It is not okay to act certain ways towards people in anger. And it's really not okay to blame your actions on anything other than yourself.
i dont really have a problem accepting responsibility for my actions - you all somewhat misunderstand me. I know all too well that its all my fault. everything that ever happened to me has been all my fault. it just sucks to be good for a long time and then snap like that. It threw me back into the old self hatred (hence those last two posts). but we went and had some lunch today. chatted, got back into the same groove again, so i feel ok, and shes ok too. Shes super open minded, and really thats the only thing that saved our friendship . 95 percent of the women out there wouldnt give me a second chance i guess. God bless the hippie girls. She may not want to date me, but at least she'll be my friend.
