So here goes. I was born and raised by a 'christian' mother and unbelieving father. My father was an alcoholic who found sobriety through AA when I was 2 (they also found marijuana at that time as it helped him ). A few years down the road when I was say 5 or 6 my mother (who was raised catholic, etc) found Jesus for herself in the big Charismatic push in the late 70's. The drug use ceased for them both ( I learned about this when I was like 12). My mother used to make me go to her 'jumpety jump' church until I was about 14. I found no interest in it. I did not care about youth group as they were all dorks, and I basically enjoyed the music and slept through the words. I was young. Dad kinda backed me up when at 14 I told my moms I was no longer going to church as it was 'her thing'. So take that as a prologue of sorts. At 14/15 came my friendship with marijuana. It would continue to be a daily friend until 23 years old, 7 years ago. Anyway by 16 i was tripping in all the time, in school, at home sitting at the dinner table with my family...I was a blatant multi-drug user by this point. I managed to graduate HS and all that...followed the dead, loved a lifestyle of hundreds of 'best' friends and freedom in the world. I went away to college and dropped out after 2 weeks. I continued to live there, enjoying our weekly trip session that included a round table shooting session of Jack about 6 hours into our trip. Yeah was introduced to Phish in '92 but really fell in love with their music in '93 tour and beyond. I enrolled and dropped out of college 5 times, various degrees and lasting various amounts of time with each. My family thought I was lost. By 20 I was a mild cocaine user and I did my fair share of crystal, K, occasional speedball and of course the E rage that came about. Waking up who knows where...with who knows who...started to wear away at my soul. I actually started to feel pretty lost in who I was, what i thought was important, and expecially how I felt about my family. I had basically disowned them. From time to time I would get into their house when they weren't home and steal money, food...shower...that was when times were low. During it all i sold some drugs, smoked enormous amounts of kind and got everyone high all the time. Just before it all ended at 23 yrs old I had gone through about 20 grand in 3 or 4 months. So here is the deal. I went to my parents one morning, definitely lost within myself and quite sure that my life was pretty much spent. It had happened many times before and I'd go there to regroup...but my mom was there and met me at the door. I burst into tears, 22 yrs there, and within moments had told her that my life felt over and that I forgot who I was. I didn't think I could even remember childhood (considering that drugs became me at 14). She asked me if I would pray with her and I said yes. She walked me upstairs to my parents bedroom (as this is where she primarily prayed, which I found out later she thought was the strongest place for her) and we got on our knees and I prayed exactly what she told me to. I was crying my eyes out, and I really did feel completely hopeless in what I had done with the steering wheel of my life. My response directly after was 'screw that' what would that do, etc. My mom kept saying, "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion"...and John 3:16 of course, as that was the foundation of the prayer we said. She kept saying it to me, over me, regardless of what I said to her. I left her house barely impacted. My life continued as usual. Ups and downs, and that had been a pretty rough down. But I think i got up pretty quickly and back into the swing of things! So fast forward about 6 months... I was pursuaded to go to a rave in Canada. The rave was called Destiny, located in Georgian Bay on and island--Christian Island. It was 3 days camping...awesome time getting there, me driving with my best friend and a chic we met. Oh, i should also mention that from about 20 yrs old my mind started to talk to me and tell me I was homosexual. I know how strange that sounds...my body certainly never ever felt that way, but my mind really went off. My mind used to tell me that I loved my best friend that way...so bizarre i can't really grasp it all because of drug use, but it was very hard at times and it did actually make me believe it on many occasions...and of course there was suicidal thinking in all of that. Anyway it was always really drugs that brought it on...paranoia really had birthed that thought to deconstruct me bit by bit. Anyway, I am veering...but with my best friend in the car beside me, there would always be some part of my mind battling that thought. But like I said, never 'an urge'...just 'the thought', or rather the certainty of the thought. So wow drugs galore on this island and I was all crystal and e...stayed away from the g and dacing and loving it all. And then...it was like...a sweep of complete paranoia (only word i can describe it as) overcame all of me and I thought everyone was in my mind. I went over to where my group was and for a moment it subsided, but when I ran into my best friend it was such a virtual emotional beating...i couldn't even look at him...by that stage it wasn't even sexual...i wanted to be him...have his life. It was....pure deconstruction of my being. I raced off to my where my tent was. On the way I stopped under a big tent where someone was spinning and sat on the floor watching people...trying to lose myself in the atmosphere. I saw two little kids dancing, and within an instant I was screaming inside and all I wanted to do was hurt them. I raced to my tent, zippered myself in and lay there screaming. Within that moment a single thought froze on my brain and kept skipping over and over. I actually felt like I had scratched my brain...permanently. I was in the fetal position moaning and groaning...helpless, absolutely. Without any knowledge, I ripped off my pants (wearing white hospital scrubs) and had pulled a black marker outta my bag. Without knwoing why, I wrote God on the inside of one thigh and sin on the other ( I don't remember which way it was). And after doing so groaned until I fell asleep. I woke up in the morning feeling strange, but still absolutely defeated. I was still pretty high...but I couldn't not feel better than I had that night. My boy came to see me and it was great to see him...and it was good because I could just forget all that stuff that had so consumed me. And it was the last day and we were heading out pretty early with everone else. Now to get there and get off the island we had to take pickups from Native Indians and then a ferry. So everyone was packed along this road as pickups drove up taking 8 or 10 at a time. This was the first sign to me that something weird was happening to me. I got in this pickup with a crew of others and as we were driving, boucning round in the back, I closed my eyes. The moment my eyes closed I could feel hands touching me all over. I opened my eyes and everyone was just sitting, sunnies on pretty wasted I'm sure. But as I closed my eyes the hands came, as real as human touch upon my face, my chest, my arms. And I honestly thought it was Native Spirits or something, at the time. So 'rah rah' two days later i decided to have a read through the bible. I got in my black VW and drove to a lake, a special little ledge indented in cliff face overlooking Lake Erie that I had been to once, alone. It was about an hour drive. Anyway as I pulled up there was black VW with Cali plates parked alongside the road to the pathway down to the beach. No other cars of course...it was the middle of the day and it is not a very common spot. Now there is a whole story behind 'Cali' and myself and my dream to go and live there and pursue shooting on film as a career...so it was like to close to home, all that. Anyway, I got out of the car and started my walke down to the beach. About 200 metres away I saw a person walking toward me. As I got closer, I started to feel horror within me. Slowly I made out more ad more of the person the closer I got, and I found myself gripping the bible as tight as I could. I even remember holdign it face up against my chest so as to make it obvious what it was. And this person...jet black hair and as andrengenous as anyone I have ever seen. It was more than just a gothic feel, and the clothes were totally normal. But this person...was sooooo, i don't know the word really, but it felt slimey. And when we passed it smiled at me a mild grin and I just kept walking. After a little bit I turned back to watch the person walk off the beach. I was actually convinced in that moment that it was satan...evil...whatever, trying to do something to me. But I went to the spot, climbed up into the nook and read the Gospel according to Matthew, finishing just as the sunset. And I went back to read the parable of good soil in the heart...and I knew that I needed to have good soil. And I actually felt like I did. And from that moment I have believed Jesus Christ as my Lord, my Savior and the answer to every question I have ever had. I have not consumed another drug since. I was pretty quickly thought of 'poorly' by many of my friends as suddenly I was declining on something (kind) I had lived by for so many years. I talked openly about everything and in the end really talked at alot of people saying that what they were doing was not what they should be. It had to happen...I coudn't exist in that world, espcially not alone. Only my best friend did I keep real contact with. And that whole homosexual mind thing was nothing....and never since. And I know drugs had really messed my mind, but God rescued me from it all. In the pat 7 years I have loved Jesus. I have studied the bible and the Word of God (as what that is/means to me). I've helped run 2 homeless ministries in the city and I've given my testimony to youth groups and whole churches many times. I studied the bible and got heavily into it. In that time I enrolled back in school and finished my degrees, all because my life had purpose for God. I met my Christian wife, a traveling Aussie with a similar party-lifestyle-testimony to mine. We have lived here in Oz and in the US and we are proud parents of a little toddler, almost two. I am not nearly thankful enough to Christ for all he does for me. I am not as involved with service and study as I was when I was single, and husband and father seem to only increase my time away from God...but they are representations of Him as well so it is all good. At 7 years believing I am still uncomfortable in where I am and how I am as a follower of Jesus Christ. I am a constant sinner and ther are so many areas where I can stumble its only laughable: work, husband, father, self...rah rah. But in the end, all that i believe has been forged from my walk beside Christ...learning and thinking on him. To me he is without a doubt everything he ever said he was. I am the woman with the blood; I am Lazarus; I am the blind leper. My story is just another that exists in a giant book of witness, that if the world was to see, would undoubtedly fall of its axis and proclaim, "Jesus Christ is Lord of all Heaven and Earth". Oh, and I have seen and heard the devil on various occasions. The best part about everything I have just said is that it is true and something that can not be taken away from me. Thanks Jesus...all praise be your name!
i was kind of thinking people would write about how they came to believe Jesus is God...i had thought it would be a very productive and positive thread on the christianity forum.
I got saved FROM Christianity in 2003! Praise myself and my circumstances! Now I am happier than I've ever been, personally and socially. I feel more comfortable in my own skin and actually love myself now. I've learned to enjoy my vices without guilt to use them wisely and moderately--not abuse them (didn't need no God either!!) Just common sense! And I've learned to speak my mind without fear. Think for myself and Question Authority. I've also re-examined my viewpoints, socially and politically, and came to the conclusion that my former conservative views were intolerant, incompassionate, and hypocritical. I have a happier marriage, happier lifestyle and truer friends. Thank goodness I got saved from superstition and absurdity!!
nothing subjective about that ahh got my achilles a little bit with 'common sense'...i'll take it as a slight allusion to my story above; my response above is perhaps just a small slight, still alluding so i'll call it even. but yeah i need God all day...see i know i'll never be anything more than a little boy, even amid my battle with 'the interior'. thats cool man. i respect quite a bit of what you have to say in your posts because you do 'question authority' and you obviously enjoy thought. to me that is what most of life should be about. The Jesus i've read about always questioned the authority of men and of 'religion'. and i read that you appreciate the ideas he postulated. and i am totally enjoying the discussion with Alsharad on the other post. i do of course think you are like a contradicting positivist or something...but its enough over there as a two way.
