I am involved with a young man whom I care about a great deal. We are very sexually active. Lately, however, things have been a little strained between us. He is not seeing anyone else so that is not the issue. Of late, he has been telling me things like "age has changed who I want to be" He has told me that "he only does the things he does for me" I asked him if he considered himself bi and he said no he considers himself straight. He has told me that he sees himself married with children someday. Sometimes, especially lately, he is very inhibited. Other times he is not. When he has a few drinks he is uninhibited to the point of being aggresive. I wonder if anyone can offer advice on how to handle this situation. If I say the wrong thing, I feel sure I will push him further away. What can I do or say to make him feel comfortable. in who he is. Remember, I can't simply say that there is nothing wrong with being bi-sexual. I can't really say anything like that because I feel certain it will feed the denial. Is it possibly true that age has changed who he wants to be? It certainly doesn't seem so on those days when he is uninhibited. Do I have to let him go and deal with the loss so he can become the person he is telling himself he wants to be? Do I have to let him go so he can face the truth and accept who he is? My mind tells me that letting him go may be the best thing to do. My heart won't allow it.
I wouldn't say let him go, but try to accept that this might not last forever. Mentally reduce him to a disposable sex object if it helps.
Most bi people I have met will only 'settle down' with the opposite sex, but will have sexual relations with the same sex. It's possible that when he was younger your lover thought that the sexual relationship with you would be enough. Now, as he is older, he wants to have a fulfilling romantic relationship. Like a man who comes out gay later in life and realizes that his straight marriage was a sham, he may be coming to terms with the limits of his ability to commit to a gay relationship. That is sad. I feel no joy in confirming what your lover has already told you. It sounds like he's trying to let you in on the reality of the situation. I doubt very much that the fact that he considers himself as straight will change or go away. I doubt very much that this is a phase. As a matter of fact, in 10 years he may look at this first part of his life as a phase he was going through. It's always hard to leave the security and comfort of any relationship, but it sounds like things are winding down with you two. And like a top that wobbles out of control, but then rights itself again for one last burst before it finally comes to rest, so relationships at their decline often have a few moments, like when he has had a few drinks, where the sparks seem to fly. I advise that you yourself look for council to help you understand what is happening with your relationship. Seek out a mens group or Gay friendly therapist. This forum might not be suited to provide you with all the support you require right now. You need to consider what your life will be like without your lover. He is obviously giving you the opportunity to plan for that.
He considers himself straight, but after a few drinks he is uninhibited to the point of being aggressive? That really stretches the definition of "straight." Certainly being married with children is an easier and more comfortable life for many men. I don't know if it's age that has changed him, but he may believe that having a longterm same-sex relationship would be too difficult or threatening for him. Maybe he is getting pressure from his family or other people to get married and have children. I would agree with Mychal. It looks like this relationship is on its last legs. You deserve a man who is more comfortable and secure about his relationship with you. A group or therapist can give you the immediate feedback you will need. Good luck!
Previous posters gave you a number of good pointers. They certainly learned our respect here. One of the greatest challenges in life is to develop your own strategy of dealing with loss and rejection. More poetically, if you wish: you need to learn how to let go. At times, you'll have to let go of people and sometimes you'll have to let go of property, money, dear souvenirs, whatever. There is no shortcut here. And no one will ever be able to spare your pain and suffering. Simply, there is no way around it. I have grown to believe that there is a higher form of love void of any feeling of possession or control. At one point of time, you and your friend will go your separate ways. That bit appears to be largely inevitable. When the time comes, be well prepared to let go and look forward into the future. There are new friends and there are new lovers waiting for you somewhere. There are adventures and challenges along the route and it is up to you to admit all of them into your world. Your future may be somewhere else and possibly with someone else. It is only up to you to start creating that future now. Which brings us to your present friend-in-denial. He'll go his own way in his own time. There is nothing you can do about it and equally so, there is nothing you shoud do about it. Yet, your times together and the happiness you once shared will always stay with both of you and will form some of your best memories of the things past. This memory will be the source of your strength in months and years to come. So, you will really never lose your friend. Love is really never lost. KD
Yeah that is the part that I kept getting hung up on as well. I won't go into details but think about the hottest most uninhibited sex you ever had and imagine having it with someone you are in love with (if it wasn't). This is where I'm at. The relationship continues to decline. I'm at a point where I am beginning to come to the realization that I am the one who has been in denial. I mean so is he. But I can't control his denial. He told me last week that the problem is that I won't accept who he is. I told him that the problem is that he won't accept who he is. We were both right. We didn't disagree. Thanks to everyone for the advice. When I originally posted this I wasn't ready to hear these responses. But it was all very sound advice. (except the one about mentally reducing him to a sex object--if I could do that then I wouldn't have this problem.) So the relationship continues but I believe it has entered into a phase from which it will not recover--the final agonizing, painful, throes of death. So now I'm finally facing the facts and preparing myself to face the reality of a life without him. It ain't easy.
Hi Okay. Oh how sad it is to read this story. It brings back memories from my own past. But as you seem to have finally accepted that your relationship is over, could you not now make it easier on yourself, and finish it completely? I know how hard this sounds, but when you think about the inevitable day when HE says it's finished... You are going to hurt so much! Therefore if YOU take control of the situation, and end it yourself, you will feel less injured! The hurt will never be reduced, but you may reduce your own feelings of "rejection"! When someone else ends a relationship, it is always the feeling of rejection which hurts the most! (I have found.) Also, you will always have in the back of your mind, the wondering if you could "win back" the lost love. For you to control this part of it will help you! Because YOU ended it, you will not wonder if you could win back that love, because you have accepted the finality of it! You may find it easier to move on, and in due time, find another love. My heart is with you Okay, and my best wishes for a happier future for you. Dennis.
Yeah, I'd try and find some way to occupy your mind. Getting someone else, for example. Seriously, don't wait for the inevitable. Even if it hurts, it's better that you get out of it than let it linger on.
Originally Posted by okay Yeah that is the part that I kept getting hung up on as well. I won't go into details but think about the hottest most uninhibited sex you ever had and imagine having it with someone you are in love with (if it wasn't). This is where I'm at. The relationship continues to decline. I'm at a point where I am beginning to come to the realization that I am the one who has been in denial. I mean so is he. But I can't control his denial. He told me last week that the problem is that I won't accept who he is. I told him that the problem is that he won't accept who he is. We were both right. We didn't disagree. Thanks to everyone for the advice. When I originally posted this I wasn't ready to hear these responses. But it was all very sound advice. (except the one about mentally reducing him to a sex object--if I could do that then I wouldn't have this problem.) So the relationship continues but I believe it has entered into a phase from which it will not recover--the final agonizing, painful, throes of death. So now I'm finally facing the facts and preparing myself to face the reality of a life without him. It ain't easy.
Dear Otay--this is just a possibliity. Your friend seems highly conflicted. Highly conflicted males without treatment, often, either turn their agression inward and punish themselves, engaging in self destructive activity(drugs, alcohol, crime, violence, suicide,even punishing themselves via religion) or they direct their agression toward the one they may see as the cause of their conflict. In this case that could be you. Your friend needs treatment and support in working through his conflict. You are doing him and yourself a disservice to continue your sexual activity with him until he has come to terms with accepting his orientation whatever it might be. By the way, young gay people seeing themself as straight is common -perhaps even in some degree, certain to occur in a heterosexist society. However, that doesn't mean they aren't painfully conflicted. Im not a therapist but as a lawyer in criminal law I have had several cases like this resulting in violence and the literature is replete with them. That doesn't mean your case is "one of those cases." I only offer this for your consideration. best of luck sr
DON'T push the issue, let him know you respect him, your friendship together and his decision or you will loose him forever. I went through the very exact situation and was told the exact same words. I know your heart doesn't want to accept the fact he will leave some day but you must comply with his feelings. Respect the relationship for what it is and not for what you want it to be and the both of you will be much more happier and a lot less frustrated now and in the future Besides do you really think he will forget about you?
Excellent advice. Thank you. Thank you for the warm sentiment. Yes, he is conflicted. But he is an adult. Maybe I could make it easier for him if I walked away. But that is my delimna. Thank you for your input. It is well taken. Maybe if I can incorporate Sassss's advice into my approach to this situation we can both breath a little easier.
hey think of this ..he might not be gay or bi! he may be just very open and curious but it realizeing its not for him
