This thought pattern CAN'T be right.

The more I think about this, the more I've been realizing a core issue of why I'm at where I currently am.

This is the thought pattern that has to SOMEHOW be dysfunctional:

"I want freedom, but at the same time, I do not want to be lonely. If I try to be around people and/or try to make friends, I will suddenly have "obligations" and be expected to act certain ways and/or do certain things for them, at which point I will feel constricted, encumbered, and have a total loss of control over my life since I will have expectations forced upon me - if I am to maintain my relations, that is. I will feel like a slave. It's especially encumbering, given that I don't even agree with the "morality" of people in regards to this. So it's solely because I don't want to be lonely. I COULD do everything by myself and live a solitary self-sufficient lifestyle, but then I would be bitten with painful loneliness for the rest of my life, since having relationships with people conflicts with the kind of freedom I so strongly desire."

This is what has been boiling in my mind for a long, long time. I don't know what I truly want - whether what I truly want is a social life, or to not need a social life (which would allow me to painlessly do everything else I want to do with my life).

I must admit here, the thing that horrifies me and frightens me the most, of anything else in life, are things like "duties" and "obligations." For this reason I never like having anybody provide anything for me, because it leaves me with this paralyzed feeling of being somehow indebted or needing to be "thankful" and that if I don't do exactly as is expected of me, then it will fuck everything up. I like to be able to do as much on my own as possible, because then I will be freed of obligations and expectations of other people.

And in regards to what I am frightened of, I see it literally EVERYWHERE: Jobs are an obvious example. Then there's family, who make endless demands. If I go out to try to make friends, I will know (from past experiences) that they're just another greedy bunch of people who also wish to force this whole rancid "give and take" mentality (nobody "gives and takes" it's just an elaborate excuse to take advantage of someone while making them feel like they're doing a good thing). Anything where I would be in the company of others, this fear creeps in. So, in my mind, people are nothing but work and tedium and duty. So many demands to be made of me.

I have long had a dream of heading out to build a small isolated home for dirt cheap and learn to do everything on my own, largely because I do not wish to be servile to people for my whole life. I don't like the prospect of living a life where I have to constantly make sure I'm not doing anything to fuck up my relations with whomever is in my life at a given moment - JUST to avoid loneliness. I feel always tense and unsafe around people, knowing that (from past experiences) they tend to react violently and instill guilt trips in me if I don't do exactly as is expected of me or as is told to me. Preaching their idiotic shit like "responsibility" - which in my mind is just another fancy way for them to say I should just do as I am told. I have grown extremely cynical of people who talk about any kind of "values" and "morality" since it usually encompasses something like this.

I bet you wonder why I am posting something like this, to these forums? A lot of my interests involve the kinds of topics people discuss on these boards, were I not so fearful and bitter about the dilemna I've typed about in this thread. I know that my thought patterns, in regards to this, are SOMEHOW dysfunctional. Rationally, I know it, but my thought pattern still FEELS correct and accurate.

And there are a lot of things I wish to do with my life. But I find myself unable to do any of it because I'm being pulled in two different directions at once by my fear of loneliness, and my fear of social constraint.

 

...

 

thought i was the only one who feels this way, but i guess i'm not...

i'm usually fine with friendships, but get absolutely neurotically dysfunctional as soon as a relationship with a guy moves beyond platonic friendship. well...actually i do tend to go through cycles as far as friends go- be close to one person for awhile, then move on to being close to someone else, etc...could this have anything to do with the overall issue as well? i've often wondered if maybe i can't stand to have people that close to me, so i push them away and try to start over again.

i think i'm going to do some reading on personal boundaries as well...

 

http://www.cathrynbonddoyle.com/articles/articleview.php?i=21
http://lifeesteem.org/wellness/wellness_boundaries.html
http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap9/chap9h.htm

a couple of good articles....

 

Well, I think you can still be you and have a social life. Find friends that are there for when you want to be social but also are understanding when you dont want to be. There arent SO many obligationa that come with having relationships except for what you allow. As long as you and the people around you know where you stand, you shouldnt have to be so overwhelmed by such fears. Find a BALANCE. Yes, it is possible.

 

I have this problem, the obligation part. I just hate it when people get pissed at me for not being like everyone else when it comes to morals. Like for example, the pledge of allegiance. Once i decided i was going to sit down during it because i don't like the idea of me being expected to openly express patriotism. Especially every fucking day. I mean it should be obvious that i'm proud of my country. Not every aspect of it, but in general. And even if not then still why the fuck should you care if someone isn't. Just let them be. People shouldn't be expected to be patriotic. It should be up to them, and they sure as hell shouldn't be punished for it. But when i set down, after the pledge i was like a flaming target for bitching arrows from many of the classroom attendants and the teacher. And the teacher threatened to punish me if i didn't stand. Despite my extreme frustration with her and many people in the classroom, i agreed to stand just because i didn't want to start an arguement that i figured i wouldn't win because of the extreme anticipasion of the teachers ignorence toward it. I know she would just basically have the notion that she was right and i was wrong and end the arguement before i even got to speak my mind.

But this is a very good example. And to the OP i know how you feel, and i'm sure many are the same way. You just seem to have a harder time putting in the effort, or care for many of these types of morals, and obligations. I just generally don't get that frustrated with it, and just do it to avoid an argument not worth having, or other wastes of energy. Sometimes i feel like it's a bigger waste of energy to obligate myself to doing these things sometimes. Like sometimes i'll be ridding in the car somewhere with my granddad, and he'll be asking me all these non important questions, and i just want feel like answering them because i'm tired. So i tell him that i don't feel like talking. Thats pretty understandable, right? But he just can't handle it. He will have a fit, and bitch, and bitch, and bitch! I can't stand that kind of shit. If someone doesn't feel like talking then leave them alone. Now i can understand him being angry with me if it was important that he get the answer that he needed, but if not then fuck off!

The reason am not social is mostly because i'm extremely anxious around people to the point were i can't even think straight. So i don't talk because i can't think of what to say, and sometimes i can hardly think of anything to say. It's because my bodies drugging me up with so much adrenalin and other chemicals that calses me not to be able to think straight, and i have no control other it. When i'm like this i do stupid shit, say stupid shit, and really feel like an ass later when i'm by myself, and back to myself. This is why i hermit myself away from society. And after all of my life in doing this i've realized an extremely selfish benefit from not being social, and i can't help but to use it to my advantage. Perhaps it's the main reason that i am non social aside from the anxiety. I'm not going to talk about it in this thread because it will take way to long. I'll post another thread tomorrow about it. But as for now i'm tired and going to bed. Peace out my little cherry children.

 

Wanting and not-wanting (desire/aversion) is not freedom.

True friends are not obligations. True friends do not require maintenance.

Not-agreeing/agreeing (desire/aversion) is a form of morality.

Yes, strong desire/aversion does cause intense conflict or dysfunction.