I'm still sad about my sons birth. I've been reading stories about these women who have 10 babies, at home with no assistance, and everything is so peachy and beautiful. I only have two chances to get it right and I already screwed up the first one! I'm still so sad about the way things happened. I wanted to be able to experience the whole thing. Instead they whisked him away from me. We didn't get to cut the cord. We didn't get to see the placenta. I so wanted to bury it with a tree so we could have a special place to show our son. I was watching the birth video last night and it all seems new to me because the memories are like a blur. Anyway, sorry. I just had to get it out.
Honey, don't beat yourself up over it. I did the same thing with my oldest son's birth and it did nothing but make me feel guilty and depressed. I could have done it with the birth of my twins as well, but you know, I was just so happy that they were here and that they were healthy and strong. It's hard to not want the "perfect" birth, and it's difficult to accept that sometimes things don't always go according to plan. I had birth plans drawn out, I had what I wanted and didn't want, and you know, things happened and I needed certain interventions or else, my children as well as myself might not be here today. It bothered me, made me feel out of control of my own birthing experiences, but in the end, I was blessed with three beautiful and healthy children. And in the end, that's all that really matters. {{{Hugs}}} mama, let go of that guilt, let go of those regrets...you're a wonderful and loving mother, and you've got a beautiful baby that came from all of the months of selfless nurturing in your womb. You did a fantastic job, and you should be proud.
I also had a very traumatic first birth experience. It left me with post traumatic stress disorder, which will probably be with me forever. Try www.victoriousbirth.com it is all about healing from a traumatic birth. It mostly focuses on cesareans, but any birth can be traumatic if your wishes were not respected and if your choices were taken away from you. First step for me was to give myself permission to greive the loss of the birth I wanted. Everyone kept telling me to be glad I had a healthy baby (well, "healthy" is debatable) and invalidating my feelings of sadness and loss. What I needed was someone, anyone, to tell me it was okay to be upset about how she was born!! And you know what? It is okay! Your feelings are not bad or wrong, they just are. And you can feel any way you want to about any part of that horrible hospital birth experience. Let it all out. It really is okay. Give yourself a good cry, break things if you have to. Let all the anger and hurt and frustration out, don't keep it bottled up inside you where it can poison your soul. Get it out! If you need someone to talk to, who understands, and who will just listen without comparing your experience to mine, I'm here for you. (((((HUGS)))))
that link is not working right now, try some of these, but keep checking that one because it really is the best! http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/ http://www.tabs.org.nz/ that right there is exactly what I'm talking about. That is not all that really matters. A happy, healthy mom also matters, it matters a lot. And if mom is not happy or healthy, if mom has been traumatized, telling her something like that only makes her ashamed to feel bad about what has happened to her, and makes her feel even worse. okay, I'm editing again, because this is obviously a subject I feel very very passionate about. The birth of my first child was worse than being raped (I know what that is like too). At least when I had been raped, nobody justified what the rapist did to me, or told me to be glad about it. But after DD1 was born, everyone told me how lucky I was that the doctor saved her life, to be glad the doctor on call had such a high cesarean rate, because that meant he was really good at them. Problem is, the doctor's high cesarean rate is probably why I had that cesarean in the first place. Problem is, the doctor would not have had to save my baby's life if he hadn't given me a drug that nearly killed her. And having a living baby is certainly something to be happy about, but it is not all that matters. I had to have surgery later to correct the damage done to my insides from the cesarean, which took me away from my kids and put me out of commission first by the pain caused by the adhesions, and then later by the pain caused by the surgery to remove those adhesions, and cost our insurance thousands of dollars. But that doesn't matter? It does matter. It sucks. And I was really pissed off for a long time. You live with the memories of your children's births forever. With my second child, I did everything within my power to make sure that her birth was on my terms, no matter what might happen I had a plan in place, and knew that it would be respected. It didn't take away the hurt, but it did help me regain some of my self respect and gave me the most incredible feeling of empowerment and accomplishment. I had the birth I wanted with my second (and last) child. You can too.
niether of my births were ideal. both were pretty hard ordeals. but my baby's are wonderful, healthy, mostly happy.
I was devastated by my delivery which ended in c-section. For the longest time, I couldn't watch shows that showed women giving birth naturally, or even read birth stories on natural births. I never ever even considered that it would happen to me, and my whole experience was so horrible. I was lucky that my son was able to begin nursing almost immediately after birth and was in my arms for the next couple of days, but my delivery was so bad that I was actually traumatized and mourning the perfect natural birth that I had envisioned. Not only had it affected my first delivery....I now have no choices when it comes to the baby I am carrying now. My hospital will not allow a VBAC, so I will be given another c-section. I was very disappointed when I was told, but i have come to grips with it now. And I'm realizing that it isn't the way you give birth that makes you a mother (or makes you bond with your baby), it's the days, weeks, months, and years that you have with the children that is special!
if you want a vbac, have a vbac. It isn't for them to decide what you do with your body. Educate yourself and weigh the risks for your unique situation. VBAC is much safer than many doctors would lead us to believe. Find somewhere else to give birth, somewhere that doesn't let insurance companies tell them how to practice medicine. ((((hugs))) It does matter how your baby is born. You only give birth to that baby once, and you live with the memory of it forever. Never settle for something you don't really want to do because one doctor, one hospital, tells you you can't do it.
Okay, you know what? You don't know what I went through, you have no idea, so please don't go bashing what I have to say. In no way, shape, or form was I telling her to be ashamed. I was trying to get her to see the bright side of things instead of focusing on the negatives. I've noticed that you tend to pick apart people's advice on here on a regular basis. I don't agree with you on things, but I don't go rudely jumping all over your case and making assumptions on things I know nothing of.
Thanks! I live in a town with only one hospital. My only choice would be to have my baby in Phoenix or Tucson, which would be hours drive not only for the birth but to find doctors, go to appointments, etc. I don't feel comfortable with a home birth because of the risks of VBAC (which I know some say are minimal, but I'm not willing to risk my life or my baby's). The hospital here does not allow VBAC because of the risks, and they don't want the liability. Like I said, I have come to terms with having this baby c-section. It is not my ideal birth, but it is the way I will have my baby. This is still a very sensitive subject for me, some things do not turn out the way you planned, but you make the best of it and I know that I will still bond with my baby, who will come into this world the way his daddy and his brother did! And maybe someday, I myself will become a doula and help others to not go thru my experience! ~Jud
you're right. I don't know anything about your experience, or that of the OP. All I know is what I experienced, and how I felt when people tried to make me feel better by telling me to look on the bright side of things. I know they meant well, as I know you do, too. I was not attacking you, just sharing how I felt about it when people told me the same things you are telling the OP. It's entirely possible to be happy to finally meet that precious baby you've been nurturing inside you for so long, and still be upset about the way she came into the world. It's also entirely possible to have a horrible (by my definitions) birth experience and not be traumatized, have ptsd, or even ppd to the extent I did. Every birth experience is unique to itself, and how we react to them is equally unique. And all of those feelings, every bit of it, is valid. Expressing how we experience those hundreds of often conflicting emotions is also healthy, especially when there's too much negativity in your heart to keep bottled up inside.
yeah, my hospital wouldn't allow a vbac, either. they'd send you to another doctor not affiliated with the hospital. too may complications, too many lawsuits. i'd had some bad scarring after my first pregnancy and birth, so i was outta questions, not to mention my blood presure. oh well. que sera sera. my second daughter started nursing immediately. but then it all went to hell. fuck it. i prefer not to think about it now.
that's cool! It's totally *your* decision to make, for your own reasons. As long as you are the one making that decision, and not hospital policy. Not the decision I made, but that's okay, too. ;-) I know lots of women whose repeat c/s was just as healing for them as my vbac was for me. An empowered birth can be lots of different things to different women.
You didn't screw anything up. Things happens, often that are not under your control. I had horrible labors, (the first two) which ended in sections, and then two more sections. I really greived that first section. Took me about 9 months to finally give up the idea of a "Birth Experience" and enbrace a "Birth, with live baby." IMO, as I recovered I realized I didn't get pregnant to have a "birth experience" I got pregnant to have a child. It would have been AMAZING to have a "Spiritual Midwivery" type birth, but that doesn't always happen. I had to let the "perfect birth" ideal go, just as I had to let the "perfect child" ideal go. You do the best you can, you do everything in your power, and then sometimes it comes time to stop struggling with the past, and embrace what you have. You'll be OK, It might take a while to get the idea that you "screwed up" out of your mind (I was so ANGRY that other womyn could push a baby out of their pelvis and I couldn't) examine your grief, but don't lose the baby's needs in the process (if I had gone any further with mine, I might have.....I had to just say, "I am going to accept the shitty hand I was dealt because Sunshine needs a mommy who is ALL here.") Hugs, Jazz, It will get better with time.
Hon, you didn't screw up. You used a midwife, planned a homebirth, went into labour at home, and stuck through quite a few hours. You listened to your midwife when she suggested a transfer and the end result was a beautiful little boy. What would you have sacrificed had you just kept going with your home birth? I wasn't going to reply to this thread, because I didn't feel it was right. But last night, my midwife and I came to a tough decision. I'm no longer going to have a homebirth. My midwife didn't feel comfortable delivering the baby because she couldn't quite distinquish one baby part from another. And her doppler keeps losing the baby's heartbeat. Why? Mostly due to my size. Sure, I'm upset. I kept envisioning this birth at home, labouring in my own surroundings, doing what felt natural, and I'm going to grieve the loss of that for a while. But the most important thing is that I gave this baby and myself the best possible shot at having a homebirth. We had nothing but midwifery care from the very beginning. Followed every piece of advice. So even though now, I will be delivering in a hospital, I've guaranteed that my baby and I will be treated like humans. And that my pregnancy wasn't one completely wrung with fear and panic. And I have a goal for next pregnancy: To have a homebirth. And it's probably your goal as well. So don't beat yourself up for what's done and what you can't change. Rejoice in the fact that you did everything in your power to make that birth your own and that you did whatever you could to make sure you and your baby were safe.
