These are the discontinued misadventures of the shark-spit rental pies. Its 5 beer mission to recover nude girls. To baldly go where no tran has Yon Kippur. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Captains Log:Stardate 2000 BC:Weather - bit drizzly..fine later on Woke up next to Uhura this mornin - man she smelt fine...what a rippin time we had last night y'all.Today we're gonna shoot on over to Spocks for some mellow trippin.Asked Scottie - as usual he reckons he could'na take it.The Klingon's are acting suspiciously - one of those boneheads beamed aboard last night and stole my mickey-mouse duvet cover.They're up to something - I KNOW it.
'Stardate 2002.3 The Enterprise is on route to the Westwingapocalypse sector, a recently discovered section of space containing two warring species of Martin Sheen look-alikes engaged in a struggle over a bidding war to air a reality television show featuring spiders executing fashion crimininals. Starfleet has asked us to mediate a settlement in this dispute, and to ask for tango lessons for Mr. Sulu, who wishes to become, as he puts it, "with it".' Spock: "Planet in site, Captain! 'Sheenameanabean 4'. An M class world, containing high concentrations of radical left-wing thought patterns and vast fields of what scanners indicate to be a hemp-like substance." Kirk: Very GOOD Spock! I FEEL that OUR mission will BE an inTEResting ONE! Mr. Sulu? Do YOU still WISH to ASK for THESE tanGO LESSons of YOURS? Sulu: hahaha Yes Captain! I will be with it, and all those who said I was without will not be with becuase I will be with and not without! hahahah Kirk: YOU are A CERTifiABly INsane BASTard, SUlu! Well THEN, all SEnior members OF my STAFF will JOIN me IN transPORTer ROOM 1! All ENsigns WHO wish TO die WILL alSO JOIN us! (They beam down to the surface. Two separate grooups of what appear to be at least fifty people resembling both a young and old Martin Sheen wait patiently for our heroes, their backs turned to eachother, facing opposite directions. These two classes of Sheens hate eachother furiously, for reasons that can only be linked to spiders and fashion crime.) Kirk: AHH Mr. SHEEN, er....uh...LEADER Sheen, I PREsume? Give THIS man A free TANgo LeSSON BEfore HE kills US all! (Suddenly, the leader Mr. Sheen draws a weapon and drawls in an uncharacteristicly southern accent) Sheen #1: Awww, yall die here, motherfuckers!!!! (Suspensful music plays, as Kirk looks at Sulu like "what have you got us into?", and the first commercial break begins.)
After Sulu,Kirk,Spock and the mass of Sheens finish their do-nuts and lemonade during the commercial break they quickly resume their former positions,the supspenseful music resumes and fades with Kirk staring woefully at Salu,with Sheen #1 pointing a phaser at Kirks plastic injection moulded quiff. 'hahaha - I am so sorry Captain,' chuckles Sulu 'but do not fear - the Sheens are so greasy they would not attack a man of such high presidency as yourself.hahaha' 'Yall wanna bet,Tango Boy' guffaws Sheen #1 'I seen more balls on a See-Three-PO unit than this alien-butt-surfing-Klingon-dick-chicken punk.Anyway wheres the green skinned dancin chick? - she gives me the hots - better than that pigs blood swilling Sissy Spacek I left out in the Badlands.' Suddenly Spocks ears light up and vibrate like a 60's Batman telephone.'brring brring!' 'Incoming message,Jim' 'Call me Captain - GOD DAMN IT,Spock - we've got company - what is it?' 'Its Starfleet - message reads p.s. - tell Kirk to remind staff to remember to turn the lights when they go to bed - you will save money this way.' 'Hear that,motherfuckers?' chant the mass of Sheens simultaneously..'No-one can help you now..' 'hmmm' thinks Sulu to himself 'I may not be able to Tango yet,but.....' Then in a sudden bid for freedom Sulu runs up to a rock,somersaults into the air Crouching Dragon style and lands a blow on the back of SHeen #1's shoulders,knocking him to the ground. 'Oh Sulu!! I want to have your babies for that' cries Kirk 'Illogical captain' mutters spock 'We have-na time,Cptn!' shouts Scottie 'Look - up on that ridge!' Everyone turns to see a treacherous black line of giant spiders approaching over the hill.A small band troop along infront playing a military tango style march.. 'Well looky here' brags Charlie Sheen #2 'here comes the cavalry - just in time too I reck'n - y'all be wishin you boughtcha selves some spare pants now....' Into the 2nd commercial...
Meanwhile in the engine room,Scotty is having technical difficulties in his warp power thrusts. "More power Scotty!" - Captain Kirk. "Ay cannie,c'ap'n she nae goe any faster all she'll blow"........ "More power Scotty" "Ay cap'n she cannie go nay faster all she'll blow"..... "Scotty.......more power......" "Nay cap'n;she cannie go faster all she'll blow".... "Scotty.....the Klingon vessel is getting closer...more power!". "Cap'n ....kin ye nough hear wat am saying te yer?.....she cannie go no faster ;all she'll blow!"........ ......................meanwhile back in the sick bay with Bones McCoy & Nurse Chapel.......
...the pulse reading on the cardiac display monitor is subsiding. 'I don't know Doctor Mccoy - we could be losing it..' 'Why nurse chapel - I lost it years ago.aha ha....hmmm' 'Oh Bones.. I DO so love the way you raise that eyebrow' 'Why thank you nurse chapel.well *sigh* - I'm afraid were going to have to let this one go... Now nurse chapel - thats a very tight skirt your'e wearing and I have a rising problem with a bone and I think it needs a second opinion...' Nurse Chapel places a stethoscope to her ears. 'lets have a look then doctor...' *rummages around* 'Oh DOCTOR!' *giggles* 'now I know why they call you bones!' 'now nurse - your embarassing me... if my head gets any bigger I won't be able to board the enterpise..' Meanwhile....Kirk is creating an interstellar podcast of his highest chart entries,narrowly avoiding his responsibilities in dealing with the impending doom that awaits the crew...
Then Kirk breaks out into song! His own song! "When we are going at warp speed! I feel my mind is going at warp speed too! If you could see how much I love you! I would leave my chair and marry you! Scotty where are my dam torpedoes! You promised me full power in a minute or two! But now it's been almost three hours! And the Romulans have turned the bridge to goo! I am the Kirk! Yes I am the Kirk! My ego is as vast as deep space! Oh I am the Kirk! Yes I am the Kirk! I permit the worship of my fine face! Spock and McCoy are bickering again! They entertain me with their insults and jibs! McCoy said Spock is just like a robot! While Spock said McCoy suffers from hives! On the starship Enterprise we're a go go! I rarely feel anything but glee! Even if I make the crew do gymnastics! I still have no fear of a mutiny!"
