My b/f has a personality disorder (OCPD- diagnosed). He starts thinking about something and drives himself up the wall. And a great deal of his thinking is about our relationship. He asks me a million times a day if I love him. : "Do you love me?" If I mention that there is something I am not happy about, first he tells me : you do that too, you say it too, etc. The conversation doesnt work out,so he start thinking that now we might broke up, and then he gets agressive: yelling, throwing things, etc. I usually end things pretty quick once I feel that the relationship does not work, but this time I have really hard time letting him go despite all the crap I have to take from him. We dated for a year and the beginning was so great that i fell for him, where as in my past relationships I always kinda held my feelings back, I knew that I had my work, school, etc, and if i break up with a b/f , it is not the end of the world. This time I really have hard time breaking up with him. What should I do?
You have to decide if you want to endure the difficulties associated with the disease and help hi work through it, or if you don't wan t to risk what he could become if it worsens. I will say this, I don't want to see that beautiful smile turn into a sad face... sigh...
Thank you for a compliment It is like in that gay movie BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: one of the characters said : I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU!!
I know... why are we so attracted to people with problems... so much so that we can't just let them go? I think it is because some of us secretly want to be their saviour. To gain respect and appreciation from someone...
decide if its worth it to you. this isnt a problem that will just 'stop.' you run the risk of his disorder either getting worse, but it can also get better. does he realize he has a problem? would he be open to treatment/ therapy? i admire your patience with him. that is very good.
don't let him use his illness as an excuse to mistreat you. Make up your mind just how much you are willing to put up with and what crosses that line. It might help to start two lists, one for the good things about the relationship, and another for the bad, so you can weigh it objectively and see if the good is worth putting up with the bad. (((hugs))) You do not have to take care of this man, you don't have to feel sorry for him. This is YOUR life, and you have to look out for number one.
I haven't dated someone with OCPD, but I have dated a girl with another personality disorder. I know I shouldn't say never, but I'll never do it again. Basically, I agree with mamaboogie, it's not your responsibility that he has a problem, no matter how unfortunate that problem may be. I'll be blunt.... the only hope you have is if he understands his diagnosis and is doing everything in his power to overcome it. It's not an easy road, and it's not something he can get over in a couple of months. It's a long process. You said he's officially diagnosed, so I hope he's seeing a psychologist, preferrably one experienced in personality disorders and behavior therapy. Medication, by and large, is not very effective for those suffering OCPD. Also, if he's not humbled by his effect on those around him, get out of the relationship now... his disorder will wear you down and break you. Guaranteed. In case you aren't familiar with exactly what OCPD is... it's not really like OCD at all. They still need everything ordered and they often tend to hoard things, but they're also about perfectionism, ethics, morality. They'll attempt to control all interpersonal relationships they're in: that's most likely why he has to ask you if you love him so often... he has some kind of standard that the relationship must live up to, and cannot handle any grey area in between.... if it's not perfect, then it's horrible. If you want to make the relationship work, you have to learn why the behavior is manifesting and how to diffuse it, how to not take it personally, and how to protect yourself all at the same time. You should learn everything you possibly can about it, and I'd highly, highly recommend joining a support group like http://groups.msn.com/OCPD. Having people around who understand the dynamics of relationships like this is invaluable, especially when times are bad. Sorry to be so pessimistic, but personally I think you should be aware of what your in store for if you decide to try and stick it out. Whatever you decide, I have the best of wishes!
ELENA, I don't think I've come across another post that has hit more close to home. I'm very close friends to the point of still seeing each other with a man who has ocpd too. I didn't understand many of his outbursts at the beginning and remember thinking to myself, how bizarre this person was and what on earth I was doing associating myself who did seem to have streaks of psychopath every once in awhile. When I learned more about ocpd, things made more sense. He wouldn't tell me this and I found out on my own. He admitted to it later. Take care of yourself and someone already posted - do NOT let his illness give him reason to mistreat you in any way. If you can love him, love him. If you find yourself babying someone when you know you cannot and that's not what you need, then cut clean and tell him the truth. For me, it was drawn out and complicated and because he couldn't bear to verbalize the truth our communication broke down. - To the point of him withdrawing so far because he no longer wants to cause anymore pain or disruption. This in itself kind of hurts. Sooner or later you have to start living for you, whether he's in your life or not. The perfect fairytale would be to live happily ever after for better or for worse. The reality is, there's only so much one person can take. If you feel he's not making the effort, then maybe it's time for you to leave.
Great advice guys. Best of luck with this. I know how attached you can get and how you might feel like you are a bad person for leaving him because if this, but like others have said, this is not you responsibility. You are not a bad person for choosing to leave. You deserve to be happy in life too. Follow your heart, and seek truth in your feelings and they will never fail you.
Fulmah You do not sound pessimistic at all. i agree with every word you said. I learned a great deal about OCPD: by reading, and talking to a psychologist. Those people usually think they are right , and everybody around them is wrong, so the therapy doesnt work too well, becauser OCPDers think psychologist is wrong too. I realize that the best thing for me is to get out. I have known him for a year, and it has been getting only worse. Thank you so much for your comments, they make so much sense to me. I hope that other people who find themselves dating OCPDer will get out of this faster, cause once you get attached, it is harder.
Sounds exactly like something I experienced and thought. PEOPLE, DO NOT DATE OCPDers. IT JUST CAUSES PAIN AND FR USTRATION. IF YOU ARE OCPDer, SEEK HELP FOR THE SAKE OF THE ONES WHO HAPPENED TO LOVE YOU!!! I hope it did not sound too harsh
Well, I'm not quite sure if him and I are still seeing each other. I would likely advise the same thing but at the same time, how can I possibly tell others to stay away as if it were an infectious, incurable disease? People with ocpd aren't braindead and they're not zombies (not really anyway) and they have emotions and feelings that run as deep as you or I. I still care very much for this man but I can't take all the shit that happened and just forget about it. I would maybe advise people to read more on ocpd because it's not so uncommon and recognize the symptoms (without jumping to ridiculous conclusions during the first month or two of knowing someone - they could very well be just under a lot of stress due to other things etc). I hope your situation gets better, Elena.
I do not mean "do not date OCDer " in a bad way. Just you get involved with a person and then it is so hard to end things, and at the same time it is impossible to stay in the relatonship. If I knew that it would be so hard, I would have not started anything in the irst place.
