This is another one of those stories that are probably gonna be extremely long, so bare with me here, please. My boyfriend and i have been dating since January...he's in his 20's, i'm in my teens. My mother knows this much, but for some reason, suddenly, since around late May, or sometime in June, she doesn't call him my boyfriend, she calls him my crush with no future. My boyfriend, Doug, has a daughter (who just turned 3 today! YAY)...My mother does not know about his daughter.....and i know she's one day going to have to find out....i just don't know how i can tell her with her being the over-controlling, over-protective woman she is, without her trying to ruin mine and Doug's relationship, or just getting VERRRRY FURIOUS with me and not letting the subject go. Also, Doug (he moved out of state in May, but we are keeping a long-distance relationship), is back in town, but...not the way you think. He's back in town....in jail.....for back child support....and my mother will eventually find that out with reading the paper, or a from friend of my brothers that's been in jail. I want to tell her SO BAD, so she can KNOW and i can stop these lies that are just building up and slowly cornering me in....but she WILL NOT understand, and i know what she's capable of doing to me and Doug's relationship, and me, being her daughter and all....i don't want anything to happen! and i want to KEEP the relationship Doug and I have, ALIVE, without having to keep these things from my mother....and without her doing something. My mother is not too much of an understandable person. and she's so controlling it's almost hard to say i love her sometimes. I know, that's really bad to say, but i state the truth. How in GODS NAME can i break it to her? Also, do you think i should keep the jail thing from her, for a little longer? (eep!) I am SO confused on what to do, and i am SO frusterated with this whole ordeal. Doug and I have an EXTREMELY STRONG relationship, and i don't want to lose him over telling my mother about what's going on...she's capable of MANY things. -[starts to cry]- What should i DOO!?!?!?
LEAVE HIM!!!!! Sorry, I know the truth hurts, but think about it: If you were to make a list of all the qualities you wanted in a hypothetical partner, would they include "He has to be in jail for refusing to take responsability as a father" and "He has to be ten years older than me while I'm still a teenager so that I can be jailbate" I didn't think so. Long-distance relationships have enough of a longshot of working out, and now he's in jail on top of it? Please. Your mother may be controlling but she's right in this case. You can do SO much better. The fact that he is in jail for not taking responsability as a father should be a RED FLAG. What happens if you get pregnant by him? Do you really think he'd be there and support you if he can't support the kid he's already got? If you ask me, this is just your method of teenage rebellion. I don't mean to sound harsh, but LOVE IS BLIND. Your mother and I can see the bad in this because we're looking at it from a neutral perspective, while you're looking at it from a "we're in love" perspective. Honey, it isn't going to work out, I'd even bet money on it. The sooner you realize it the sooner you can recover and move on with your life. BTW, what exactly do you find so attractive about this person?
What do i find attractive about this guy? everything, from his looks, to his talent, to the way he thinks and acts, and the way he treats me. I'll give you some of the story....i'm gonna try to get you to see eye-to-eye with me here. He has been taking care of his daughter since she was born, until March of this year. He's an EXCELLENT father, and he's not with the girls mother anymore because they faught constantly (she's crazy, and i'm not lieing, i know her...my GOD is she a lunatic!) and he didn't want a relationship with someone that couldn't say I love you, even after they had a child. It was an unplanned pregnancy (on his part....there's a story to why i say that)...but that doesn't matter. The point is, he has been taking care of his daughter as much as a father in his position could. He even lived with his ex back in February, with her fiancee, to take care of his daughter....and that's when, in March, stuff happened (again, long story...i saw it allll...it even got to ME), and he made a VERY smart choice to leave....and his ex did make the right choice to get him for child support, i understand that, and so does he... but the court date that was scheduled (mind you, he's already gone to a different state), he got a letter from the court saying that he's got to come for a child support case maybe 2 days before the day of court....he had no way of getting back into this state, or calling to say he couldn't make it. And since he didn't make it to court, that day, a warrant was put out for his arrest. He's got a preliminary hearing soon, and they're going to be trying to prove that he HAS been with his daughter taking care of her, until he left the state in April. Then the custody battle starts because he wants custody of his baby girl. The girl's mother is all out bitch crazy. she doesn't have the qualities of being a mother. She doesn't take care of the kid, and when the kid wants her, she tells the kid to go bother someone else, and pushes her away....she feeds her when she wants to....sometimes no more than once a day. The woman and her fiancee fight constantly, and it alot of times, gets out of hand and he hits the woman, but the woman takes him back each time, and when he wants to leave....she won't let him, and she (litterally!)chases him if he tries. My boyfriends daughter does NOT need to be in the environment she's in, so he's making a good decision in fighting for custody over her.....the cops told my boyfriend that when it comes around, they're gonna jump in the court case and HELP my boyfriend get custody, because they know how the mother is...and they know that the little girl needs her father, and needs to be treated right.
Well, I STILL don't see eye to eye with you. You are STILL blinded by what you percieve as love, and to be honest with you, if my teenage daughter was hanging out with a guy ten years older than her, I WOULD put a stop to it, that boy needs to find a girl his own age. There are reasons there are laws against STATUTORY RAPE. And what about you? Are you really prepared to be a STEPMOM at your age? It will rob you of your adolescence. This guy is just using you, I'd bet money on it. Get out while you still can and either find someone your own age or wait a while till you grow up. I have nothing more to say: your mother is right, and that's that. Don't let petty teenage rebellion destroy your life.
Maybe you're right, and maybe i'm extremely stubborn... but live and learn, right? My boyfriend and i are only a few years apart, and i will be considered "legal" close to the end of this year..... I don't understand How he could be using me. i have nothing, i give nothing because i have nothing. he's gone out of his way alot for me though. I'm just so confused, not over our relationship...but over everything else. It's not rebellion, it really isn't. I don't know how to put what i'm thinking right now, into words that you would understand. I thought alot about what you said, about him using me...and still see no way possible. I have prayed and prayed and prayed on what to do about this situation, and have gotten my prayers answered....I gotta get the balls to talk with my mom about this...and SOON. So, i'm going to try working up the courage on Monday, and telling her. If God doesn't want Doug and I to be together, this is what will do it. But i strongly believe, with everything that's went on, if God didn't want us to be together, it would have ended some time ago. I guess we'll see. I have to say thank you for taking your time to put your thoughts into this issue. I guess i've got to deal with this on my own, and face what comes.. I really do believe i love this guy, i love him more than words can explain, and i don't want to lose him...but if it comes down to that...at least i learned something along the way.
ouch though i think strawberry's view is a bit...blunt, it has some valid points. you should try (though it's hard) to take a look at your relationship from the outside as it were. love is an extremely powerfull force this is hard to do, but try asking someone who knows both you and your boyfriend on their feelings and thoughts on the 2 of you, making sure they are honest to you! i'm not saying your relationship won't work, as it sounds as if it could you are mature enough not to have just teenage crushes. but even so it is best to check, as it'd be so sad if this didn't work out as for breaking it to your mum, try to be gentle about it. remind her that your an adult, but not so bluntly as that. tell her you can understand why she'd be angry at you and your boyfriend, but ask her not to be. remind her that we all learn from mistakes (even though this may not be a mistake, this will stop her giving you that speach!). if you narrow down her options gently like this, it can work! but don't use this trick too much, otherwise it may make her more angry... and finaly, good luck!!! i hope it all works out
Thank you for replying. I have seen the points Strawberry was getting at. I guess it DOES have some valid points. As for taking a look at our relationship from the outside......I have done that, many times, to see what other people see. Most don't understand...but everything looks fine from the views i've looked at. Actually, i have asked people their feelings on the two of us, i've gotten alot of the same answers, about me being more mature than most people my age, and him respecting me, and our relationship all around..age included. I remember one person, who does not know my boyfriend, who i talked with about him once, he said the age seemed to be the only problem in his eyes....although the maturity level was fine, the age could cause a problem because of laws.....I think even holding hands is illegal..I have a friend who is a registered sex offender, she's talked with me about this even before my boyfriend and I started dating, and if i remember correctly, she did say that. -[takes a deep breath and lets it out]- I will be sure to point out maturity and all that while my mother and i are talking. Hopefully she won't go ballistic, and hopefully she will try to understand some things. I've just gotta wait and see now. Thank you for wishing me luck. I hope it works out too.
ACK! IT KEEPS SAYING IM NOT SIGNED IN, AND DELETING WHAT I'VE WROTE BEFORE I SUBMIT IT.....AAAAAAH!! Something told me i had to talk to my mother TONIGHT instead of later..so we talked...and it's all good....she now knows everything.....and didn't go ballistic on me for once in my life....i think she might have thought about what i said to her at the begining of the year about her being too controling, and pushing me into a corner. My grandmother, her mom, has a control issue too...but has never changed....my mom developed this control issue, and maybe she sees that i'm more mature than she thinks i am, more mature than most people even a few years OLDER than me.....and realized what she was doing to me....but we're not gonna get into that. I can't believe this......she even suggested an attourney that he should get for custody of his daughter. she asked me why i thought she'd be mad over this and i told her, because she knows i'm dating Doug, but i never told her anything about him having a daughter, or anything about what's going on right now..... Anywho, yeah, that's a long story short! MY GOD it's MUCH SHORTER than the FIRST time i wrote this......i flipping typed so much, i'd say it might have taken up one full page!
