Question For The Guys

when you have sex with someone do you feel any attachment at all? what do you feel afterwards? becuase i would really like to know whats going though your heads! ive been hurt by everyone ive been with, and i want to know why???

 

Because you've been unlucky, I guess. I know I feel attachment, I can't just have casual sex... I mean, I could, but I can't just 'make the motions'

That's just me, though, I'm sure there are pletty of guys out there who are assholes... unfortunately, its kind of hard to figure out which is the good guy and which isn't heh

 

...

 

Dreamer, I'm sorry you've been hurt by guys.

I, um, I think that part of the problem -- a LARGE part -- is probably that you are emotionally much more mature than the guys of your age group.

There is a REASON why adults maintain that people your age (FOURTEEN!?) should not be having sex. Actually, there are numerous reasons, and you've hit a major one: many people your age are just not ready for what sexual activity requires of them, emotionally. It really does not surprise adults that you have been hurt by 14-year-old guys -- who probably are so hormonally horny that they'd do or say just about anything to get you into bed (especially if you're considered "hot" by either them or their friends).

It's very unfortunate that you are already desiring sexual contact with others because those others, as you are now aware, are very very unlikely to be up to the task of treating you well in an all-around way. They may give you great sex, but they are not able to -- are not in a position to -- be emotionally stable in a relationship. You're talking about people who need their parents to give them a ride to the mall, for cryin' out loud! How capable can they be of directing their own destinies, and managing serious interpersonal relationships?!

I think that your best bet is to WAIT. Unless you want to go shopping for a twenty-something boyfriend, which is a bad idea because the only 20-somethings out there who would date a 14 year old are pretty messed-up people... you're gonna have to wait until the guys catch up to your maturity level as far as what they want out of sex and relationships, and can see beyond the end of their own noses as far as the wants and needs of the other half of the couple. Guys at 14 who can do that are VERY very rare, if they even exist at all. Most are just horny little jerkoffs who don't care for your feelings -- only for getting their dicks wet.

For the record, YES, I do feel attachment with a sexual partner. It's easy to, if you're wired right. That act of intimacy is a reassurance that many people crave deep down to their core, and when it is felt, when a person realizes that they have achieved that intimacy, it makes them latch onto it with a strength that is astounding, because we don't want to lose something so precious once we have a grip on it. I had a mostly physical relationship with a woman older than me (she was 39 and I was 30) and she even said to me something about how she didn't want to have TOO much fun sexually because she was afraid she'd start falling in love with me, and she realized (as I did) that we weren't really a good match for each other, relationship-wise. She said that she believes (and I do, too) that sexual pleasure can cause a biological reaction that feels like love (can become love) and it's hard to override.

Why not become one of those "born-again virgins" and start re-saving yourself, if not for marriage, then for a guy who first proves to you that he loves you before you give yourself to him sexually. You don't have to, or shouldn't have to, use sex to get love.

You say you've been hurt by everyone you've been with. At 14, just how many is that?! I think that's near the heart of the problem, here.

Blue skies,
-Jeffrey

 

I cannot have sex without an attachment being created... I guess im just to much of an emotional sissy.

Basically the rule of the thumb for me is, if i dont want to have feelings after the sex part (say its at a party or something), the last thing I will do is cuddle with them. If I cuddle with them after having sex its all over for me. Even after just having sex and not cuddling though, I still have that "I like her and I wonder if she likes me thing " going on ~ Atleast thats how it would be if i had ever had free sex. I've only had sex with two people, and of them I have loved them both, and been screwed over by them both. I have done stuff with many a girl though. I like cuddling. Grr your making me miss having a girlfriend, I must stay strong! Because I will just be hurt again, so why bother, atleast thats my outlook on things.

 

is it the age?, because both people i was with were 17, are they still to immature at that age too???

 

jeffery i wanted to thank you espeacially beacuse you gave me the best advice i think i ever had my whole LIFE! thank you thank you thank you! i think ill try that "born again virgin" thing its sounds nice and ive only been with 2, but thanks to you its gonna stay that way for a long time! you made me feel really good about myslef, and thats really weird seeing how my friends couldnt even do that i was feeling pretty down about myslef but not anymore thanks so much ill never forget your advice
~peace and love~

 

You're quite welcome. It's very nice to have offered advice from the heart, to the best of your ability, and then find out that it was actually valued!

I'm glad to hear that it was only two. From the start, I thought you were maybe talking like 6 or 7, which is freakishly scarily common these days even among high schoolers.

Look, it is not abnormal for you to have had sexual contact at your age, it's not something to be ashamed of. The reason you did it: it's what comes naturally to humans! I readily admit that at 12 years old I was "ready" to have sex, I drooled over the opposite sex -- and the only reason I never had sex then was because the opportunity never arose (and I was not really what I would call good at playing the field). But if it had been presented to me then, or at your age, 14, I would have snapped that shit right up! So you're not to blame for your biological or emotional urges and drives. You were checking out what there is to experience, that's actually a good thing, I feel.

But the problem does lie in the fact that kids from your age YES right on through 17, 18, shit even through college age, are still blundering around in the relating department. There's a lot of exploring, learning, and mistake-making going on. It's just the nature of the beast. People have always either gotten what they wanted or gotten screwed -- there's a dichotomy. You are bound to get one or the other. You win some and lose some, in relationships and in life. So if you play the game long enough, date enough people, some will hurt you and some will please you. But at your age group, Dreamer, the population is stacked with far fewer people who will please you in a relationship than you will encounter later on in older age groups. People need time and experience in order to mature. That's why kids don't get married and buy a house and have kids at 14 or 16 or even very often at 19. Life has not yet taught them how to keep their shit together.

If you do the born-again-virgin thing, you will be joining what I hear is a growing group of people who find that waiting is better than spinning their wheels with disappointment after disappointment. Now, for you, should be the time to not have to be distracted with love-type relationships or sex. I remember how much of a distraction it was for ME, even when I was in COLLEGE at 18, 19, 20, 21 years old. (The whole time!) It's hard to concentrate on learning your schoolwork when you're freaked out about "does she still love me," "is she being faithful to me" blah blah. Since you're in school, make hay while the sun shines, as they say: learn what you're supposed to be there to learn. There will always be time to explore guys when you've taken care of the priorities. Good luck.

Blue skies,
-Jeffrey

 

I put my emotions into it. I like to give love and pleasure, and try to make it a wonderful, special experience for my partner. The best is with someone I love, but physically love-making can also enhance the caring & understanding between persons who haven't known one another all that long. (I don't espouse cheating, though.)

 

me personaly im wating for my friend catlain... she is my very best friend and i want to be my first time with her.... ive been horny as hell lately too... she is the one for me though

 

It depends who i have sex with. If it's some girl that ive been crazy over theres a lot of attachment and love in it... but if its some bitch i met at a party, and we end up fucking, not as much love there... more just like... face down ass up no strings attached sex. Why have you been hurt by everyone you've been with... that is a good question... a question i cannot answer... but i think maybe being 14 and having sex with people might be the thing.. you see most guys just want to fuck you, and their minds are completely motivated by sex. Especially when they are young... and especially when you yourself are y oung and confused. makes a real easy combination, eh.?

 

I have always compared myself to females in the way I view sex, I usually want it with someone i care about, not to say i havent had meaninless sex, but I just think that sex is so much better when it is romantic and sensual...

 

.

 

Just keep trying darling. Trust me you pull the strings in life. Perhaps your picking the guy who seems like the stud and in his head i bet he thinks he is too. So he uses you and dumps you.
Try setting your sites on the shy guy. Trust me..get yourself a shy guy and i bet you'll feel smothered in love befor long because he'll be so happy to be with you.

What do i feel? warmth and desire when im in true lust. If i feel someone is returning my warmth and desire it turns to love that i feel. Something i must say that has only happened once in my life.

 

Truth? As soon as we're done I'd just as soon she go home. I'm in love with having my own space.


This is why I refuse to sleep with freinds.

 

umm.. i think becoming attached and all buddy buddy stuff comes from hanging out and chilling, maybe talking? smoking?

haveing sex well that's just something normal, natural even. it's something one does for himself, or at least i do.

uhh.. i think im trying to say is that sex is more about being yourself and feeling good.
but afterwards it would be nice to build a relationship with that person, you'll find out that maybe she is cool to hang out with maybe you hate her guts, but none the less that shouldn't be in the way of having sex with her cause that would suck if she didn't.

 

It's not easy to generalize about these things, but it's probably the age. Not many 17 year old guys are looking for an attachment. But there are always exceptions.

 

I feel an attachment, I wouldn't have sex with just anyone, there has to be more than just a physical attraction. We have to connect in other ways.

 

i've loved almost every girl i've ever been with, at least for a minute anyway

and we have all been hurt by our loves, if not we would still be with them,

 

Hate to go slightly off topic but I have a question that I would like an answer to.

I'm 23 and after over a year of denying that I had any attraction to my friend who is 16 we both broke down and addmitted that we were in love, and as such have begun an under the table relationship. We have not done anything sexually but bith of us can feel the desire building to a breaking point. We want to avoid legal trouble though, so here is my question:

We live in NY where the age of consent is 17, CT has an age of consent of 16, if we travel to CT for a date and we do have sex can we still be indited for stachatory in NY?