hey hey hey peeps I just had a thought about relationships in general. Most people around me have been in pretty shitty relationships with people who have serious esteem/depression/narcissistic tendencies/problems etc etc...but nonetheless, have been willing to put up with all this. another example, my last boyfriend told me that he was always used to being treated really badly and being cheated on by his past girlfriends and being with me was really weird cos i wasnt like that. needless to say we are not together but thats not the point here (not because i cheated but he did) what i'm trying to say is, do people actually like to suffer in relationships? is it more interesting? one thing i sure know, i dont want to suffer, nor am i willing to put up with any shit from anyone. i dunno, give me your thoughts.
Suffer? Well I suppose there are people out there who seem like they like to suffer or hurt, but I doubt that people really truely want this. They probably just don't know how to cope with life. I mean there are people who cut themselves and I don't think they actually enjoy doing it, but they don't know any other way. I used to have a lot of problems with self-esteem, depression, confidence and a lot of other issues that I inherited from growing up in such a dysfunctional family. In the beginning it was rough for my boyfriend and I, but he stuck by me through everything. I'm grateful for everything that he has done for me and put up with. He isn't perfect or a saint by any means. He has plenty of his own flaws. I'm just glad that he didn't give up on me. I have learned so much from him about life and about myself that I couldn't even begin to describe it all to you here. He really has helped me to change for the better though. And I have felt really badly about putting him through a lot of my drama and problems, but he loves me and that is what he wanted to do for me. He doesn't look at it as suffering at all. I doubt any of this is what you are looking for. But I just felt like writing today.
what i get form your post is that it is possible that 'love' is basically what makes some people stick by their partners who might have some problems. Ok, i can agree to some extent, after all theres so much we can all take, even if we are 'in love' In my original post i wanted to try and come up with good explanations as to why some one would accept abuse or lies from people and put up with such situations, because i have seen it so many times, and i still cannot comprehend.
Oh I see what you are saying now, the abuse and lies. Hmmm... well I'm not sure. I've often wondered myself why women and men put up with abuse. My mother was badly abused by my father and I had to grow up witnessing it and I have always wondered why the fuck didn't she just leave. She had a wonderful support system with her parents and other family that she could have taken care of my sister and myself without my dick of a dad. But no she stayed and let me get beat up along with her. The only explaination I have from her is that she loves my dad. My dad just left her about a year and a half ago, and she still claims she loves him and will never give up on him. The only thing I can think of in her situation is that she had been brainwashed by so many people into believing that if her marriage didn't work that she was a failure, etc. She is a perfectionist and has her own issues there. So I guess she never wanted to admit that maybe he wasn't right for her or that she had made a mistake. And now she is being brainwashed by the church who leads her to believe that she should "stand by her man" no matter what and divorce will send her to hell. (and living in our home wasn't hell enough?) Anyway, I'm babbeling, cause its 4:25 on Friday and I can't wait till I can get out of here! Once again I'm sure I'm no help at all, but if you ever figure this out please let me know because I want to know why people put up with what they do as well.
Be really really glad you don't understand what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. It's not about love, it's about control. It's about being treated so poorly for so long that you start believing it's all your own fault, or that you deserve it. It's about being so terrified of what might happen if you leave, that you stay. It's about fear and intimidation, and horrible horrible mind games. The physical abuse that some people experience is just the most obvious tip of the iceberg. Abuse is more than that, and how it affects people goes very deep. Lots of times, it starts out with the abuser playing the "poor pitiful me" game. Once (s)he has you feeling sorry for (her)him, (s)he has you where (s)he wants you. You think he needs you, and in turn, you need him to need you, and it's just really twisted and complicated and impossible to describe to someone who doesn't know what it's like. Just be glad you don't understand. It sucks worse than anything else in the entire world. And then, when people say things like "why doesn't she just leave?" it only makes it that much worse because she can't just leave. It's not that simple. And when an abused woman leaves is when she is at the most danger. Danger for her life, even if he hasn't been physically abusive up to that point.
I've been there done that. My first real relationship was a nightmare. I was constantly being told I was a bitch, slut, idiot, you name it...accused of cheating, conspiring with my friends/relatives, hit, kicked, isolated etc. Though, I stayed for over a year. It's not because I enjoyed it but because I felt trapped. I swear I left him every other weekend. But each time he cried and apologized and promised it would be different, I (stupidly) believed him. Then, he moved us 10 hours away from my home to his parents. It was there, I saw how he treated his mother, disrespected HER home, that I knew it would never change. If he could call his own mother a bitch to her face then there was no way I would ever be treated any different. I rented a car, packed up our daughter, and drove straight home at 4am and never looked back.
Oh my goodness....I think what you said mamaboogie was extremely eye opening for me. Sadly I am just getting my back bone back and finely seeing my marriage for just what it is(just as you explained.) I'm scared for all of us. It's easy for him to choose anger first. My son and I have never been beat up however we have both been shoved and grabbed. But there I go again making excuses. It feels never ending. I just want a kind soul to spend my life with. I don't really believe he'll ever be that. No advice needed......I'm just working closer and closer to solution......I'll get there sooner or later. But your words were comforting to a person right smack dab in the middle of it. Much love everyone......Stay HAPPY!!!!
This has all struck a chord for me too. I feel for all of you out there going through nastiness and/or violence from partners. In my somewhat chaotic and mostly disasterous love life, I have had three abusive relationships ... the first one I was in my early 20s but VERY NAIVE for my age, had a relationship with an alcoholic 18 years my senior who played some extremely cruel mind games on me, and bled my bank account dry for drink money. I did manage to break free from him, due to my survival instinct and my loving parents who didn't give up on their misfit daughter. Not learning much from this experience, a few years later I took up with a borderline OCD. He didn't abuse me as such, but contantly criticised my dress sense, my disorderly housekeeping, and he had an affair ... enough said! Think I'd learned my lesson by then? Think again! Several years later, now into my thirties, I fell for a beautiful long-haired Canadian warrior ... he was angelic, humorous and very intense ... and we got married, only for me to regret the constant criticism, the mental torture games and his paranoia ... it all made him seem extremely hideously ugly after a very short time ... now I'm getting a divorce from him ... Am I going to marry again? You betcha!!! Only I'm positive I've made the right choice this time ... because he has been through most of what I've been through, and physical abuse too. Having been there though, it's not easy to walk out on your life, etc. Although I had enough sense (and contraception and luck) not to have children with any of these guys, I still felt a tie to them, still felt responsible for my part in the wreckage. It's too easy to get into a cycle of blaming yourself, and that's exactly what I did. What I still do ... even though someone understands what I've been through. Strength and solidarity to all of you.
stay safe. get the number for your local domestic violence hotline/shelter and keep it with you at all times, but don't let him see it. It wouldn't hurt to buy yourself a prepaid cell phone, so he can't check the numbers you have called on it. Have an escape plan, just in case you might need it. Maybe a change of clothes and diapers in the trunk of your car wouldn't be such a bad idea (say it's for the just-in-case-ofs if he asks, kids are always making messes, and mom sometimes needs clean clothes to change into because of that). When it gets bad, it's always a big suprise. It's usually right after what some call the "honeymoon" period, where he's been real super sweet, says it will never happen again, buys you things, or whatever he thinks will convince you that his lies are true. That's when things tend to get really really scary. ((((((hugs))))))) Leaving is very hard, and very dangerous. But you know you have to do it sooner or later. You can't live a life of degradation and fear. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, everyone!
That's an interesting topic. I don't think people really like to suffer, but alot of people seem to like being in and creating drama for and around themselves. I wonder why that is though
mamaboogie, i am glad that i personally have never been in an abusive relationship. i know for a fact that the reason i haven't is because i grew up in an abusive household and watched my mother have the shit beat out of her (and when she wasn't around it was my turn). So while i didn't understand what the original post was trying to convey because it was talking about drama and people wanting to hurt, i do most certainly understand abuse of all forms. my father still abuses me to this day verbally and mentally and emotionally. (because so far i have let him, but the next time we have contact he is in for a rude awakening because i have some choice words for him). i'm not naive to abuse, i just could never let anyone treat me the way my mother was treated. it made me want nothing to do with people like that and it made it easy for me to recognize signs early on. i know it has nothing to do with love. my mother will tell you to this day even after my father left her (note, she did not have to leave him, he RAN AWAY from her because she didn't have a backbone and let him treat her this way) she is still chasing him and still proclaims her undying love for him. she believes she loves him. she doesn't have an identity. but just because someone hasn't lived through abuse (thankfully) doesn't mean that they can't try to grasp it and want to help those who are hurting. i mean it almost sounds like you are saying that people who haven't been in abusive relationships are somehow the enemy because they don't understand. and asking for insight is a good step for people to understand it better. As far as why people like drama, i don't know ask hollywood, they make tons of money off of tv shows and movies every year. why do people get sexually charged during arguments and have amazing make up sex? I don't have the answers, I've never really studied it. I personally like drama in my life and so does my boyfriend. But we don't hurt or abuse each other to get it. We do exciting fun things together and take risks and discover new things. that is the kind of drama we like.
