I think maybe I am socially retarded

this is more just a 'getting it all off my chest' post than looking for actualy advice I guess, but if you have some then feel free to respond!

I have been friends with this guy for the past, geez, maybe 7 or 8 years? We have always been close, I might even go so far as to say we are best friends. We have had several long periods of seperation though, once due to the fact that a gf of his hated me and he wasn't allowed to see me (we still spoke occasionally, we just didn't see each other for about 2 years) and again when he got really heavy into drugs and I couldn't deal with it anymore (I know, I know, what kind of friend am I). Anyway, we have always flirted with each other, in fact we are downright disgusting with the things we say to each other sometimes, but it has always been that way between us.

Just recently he has started telling me that he thinks loves me, and he has thought this for a long time and that he is probably going to have to leave his current gf because its not fair on her for him to be feeling this way about me - blah blah blah....

Whether or not what he is saying is true I may never know, I think maybe he just misses how close we were as friends more than anything else and now that he lives in another city we don't see each other at all, although we talk everyday, for hours sometimes.

The main issue I am having is with myself, I guess if you do love someone you just know it right? So maybe I don't love him, because I am really confused about how I feel. Its really hard to try and explain the bond that we have, we both just so totally get each other (and neither of us are easy people to 'get') and I have so much of my self worth invested in this guy its not funny. A million people could walk past me and tell me I was shit and I could shrug it off, but if he did it, it would just kill me. I'm not at all physically attracted to him though, not that I am saying that is the most important thing, but I would have thought I would be if I was in fact in love with the guy.

Oh god, now I am ranting and making even less sense than usual. I guess I am jsut confused about my feelings, and to be completely honest I think I always have been confused about how I feel about this guy.

 

If he is with a current gf, do NOT consider jumping into a relationship with him for a while after he leaves her. I would tell him outright that I would not consider dating him for at least 6 months after the break-up, just to be sure his "love" is more than a symptom of being in an unhappy relationship. With that agreement, you can take it as it comes instead of feeling pressured to figure this out now (which is how this post came across).

If he is having serious thoughts about another woman, he should definitely either put some serious work into (starting with figuring out what the underlying problem is) or get out of this relationship. He needs to do that for himself, he can't be dumping her for you. If you let him do that, it seems to invite the risk (and paranoia, which can be a self-fulfilling thing) that he will leave you for another woman when things get tough.

As for how you feel, well, nobody can really clarify that for you. I was friends with my fiance for a while (not several years, but well enough to be really close friends) before I felt physically attracted to him at all. But, at some point I crossed that threshold, from just really liking him as a person to becoming physically attracted to him. And, once I realized this, I still had a bit of fear that the attraction would fade once he got naked, so should I really go through with this? But, by the time I said something (I had to make the first move), it was there...

When it was right for us, the attraction showed up. I think that if we had gotten together a couple of months earlier, there would be a decent chance that we would not still be together now... In hindsight, the attraction was there well before I realized it, but I was still dealing with some personal stuff that got in the way of me being ready to get involved. If it's not there for you now, might it be that you're not ready, whether it's due to personal issues or the way you're not as close as you once were or something else?

 

Love takes on many different forms. You can be truly connected on a very deep level but never have sexual thoughts about that person, ever. You can be hot and horny for someone and never really love them or feel that connection. What you want in a life-partner is both those things, and more. You'll know it when it's the right person. You will still have doubts, but you will want them to be "The One" more than you've ever wanted anything in your life.

this is not good. it's not up to anyone else to make you happy or make you feel good about yourself, because that same person can make you feel totally worthless and then they own you. Be strong and stay out of any sort of serious relationship with any person who has that kind of power over how you feel about yourself.

 

He thinks he is in love with you then I'm sure he is, he probably has been for a long time but never admitted to himself. He doesn't need a gf, he already has one. I dont think the problem is that he's missing your friendship usually when people have gf's/bf's they fullfill the needs of a lover, best friend, companion, etc. The man is in love with you and you are obviously not, you need to tell him this. Sounds like you're the one missing the friendship thus confusing yourself.


Hopefully after all this you guys can remain friends. Good luck to you!

 

I don't think I am in love with him - thats what I mean, I am sure I would know if I was! I just wonder sometimes if I am so socially retarded that I don't even know what love is when I feel it?

He knows that I don't feel the same way about him - if in fact he is in love with me!

I think he is just stirring when he says it though, I am not exactly the kinda gal that people fall in love with!

 

You say that, but i agree with other you sohuld make sure it not jsut becasue of this realtionship, by waiting ,but love takes two forms a passionate love that hot and obessive and mind consuming, basically think of high school, adn their intimate love where it is a unique connection between two people, think old couple love,

By all this energy you're putting into this you do feel something for him, but in the end do you want him, you have the choice becasue have you ever been struck with "Love"? To compare it to, but it would be a shame to let it pass, but it be bad to breack up a friendship, but with your foundation you sohuld be able to get over it.

SOmetime after close freinds who think they like each other hook up they realize something is missing and just go back to being
you should figure out if it's worth giving a try, guys loving their best freinds is as old as earth

 

Nothing will break up our friendship - we have been throguh much worse than this!