I'm having a few problems and frustrations with my girlfriend and our relationship, and I'd be keen to know your thoughts on this. I've been dating this girl for around 18 months and I've known her for around 4 years. I'm 30 and she's 27. Her parents whilst not religious (not that there's anything wrong with that) are very protective of her, they are a very close knit family and she is their only child. A bit of background may help you inderstand better. The family runs a hard work business from home which my girlfriend is required to help out with as her parents are obviousy middle aged and find it hard, so some unsociable hours are required to be worked by my girlfriend for no pay....fair enough, it's family. My girlfriend is the only driver in the family, so is required to run mum and dad about, she lives at home and pays the normal board money. Dad has a full time job himself and doesn't get as much time in the evening to see his daughter as he would like. The frustrations :- 1, A family tradition says that you are not allowed to sleep in the same bed until you are married. 2, No sex is allowed before marriage either. 3, Parents are to be obeyed at all times, parents have the last say, she can't backchat her parents, and lies are not allowed 4, family time is important and must be maintained regardless of anything else. I've never seen my girlfriend on her Friday day off, as this is reserved as 'with mum' day 5, Sundays are ok after about midday, as work to do with the family business is to be done until this time on Sunday 6, Her dad has been rather grumpy recently since I've been pushing to see her as much as possible and he feels like he's 'losing her' I've tried to be as unbiased as I can, but I must admit to bieng quite a physical person, and I, like most people value intimicy, I want to be close. I also am keen to know if we are compatible in terms of a sexual relationship, however this is prohibited. I don't want to sound like I just want her for sex, but then if you are not to be intimate then surely you should be 'friends' rather that 'boyfriend and girlfriend' ? If her parents knew that I'd even put my hand up her top I'm sure they'd go mental........but amusingly I have a 155mph sportsbike and it's fine for her to go on the back of the bike ! what do I do ? please post comments or suggestions ! PJ.
Well.. wouldnt it work best if you explained your concerns to her and say how much you love her but you feel like her family traditions are really preventing you to from being as intimate and close as youd like to be with her.
Paul, haven't you posted this before in Love and Sex? As I remember you had some good feedback, but I agree with Peachy, talk to her, and I hope you manage to sort it. Good luck!
I can't imagine she's maintaining those kind of boundaries simply because her family wants her to. She's a grown adult capable of making her own decisions, and imo, this is her decision, not her parents. I think it's time for you to do some soul searching and figure out what this girl means to you, and whether or not you can respect her wishes. If the physical stuff is so important that you can't determine whether you want the committment she is going to require, you should end it and find someone more in tune with you. If you can't respect her conviction to her family, end it and find someone that can fulfill your own needs. If you can respect her for who she is and what she wants from a partner, then continue being that partner and figure out if she's the one for you, and do it fast! Marry her as soon as you feel it's worth it. You've already been a better man than I... I require the same resolution to the concerns you have, and I require them before I get too attached! Good luck!
Well said, fulmah! But I have a greater fear. If, at 27, she is paying rent, yet not being paid for her work, driving the folks and respecting their wishes, and giving daddy his time, not including boyfriend in the mix, yet demanding strict adherence to folks' moral demands - she is forever stuck in this timewarp. They will hold sway on her time, emotions, and loyalty to the exclusion of anyone, not just this one. She is destined for oldmaidhood, or what we call in New England, the family,'maiden lady,' who at 70 will be living in the same house, visiting the parents' graves on schedule. and be terrible company. Get away before you waste any more time trying to overcome a tradition of the ages! She should have moved out at 20/21. Didn't and now they've got her. Get away, quick!!!Sorry to be blunt - No, I'm not; you're wasting your time, dude!
Should have moved out at 20/21? That is incredibly young in my books. Some people have a greater sense of filial responsibility, some were born without those strings or don't care. I'd give my kid a tight slap if they thought they wanted to move out for good before they have a career or are in a stable job, married or at least a decent age (24-ish). If they're not on their way or remotely established by then, they need another swift kick in the arse. My advice: Know your limits. Get out soon if you think you can't handle it. Stay if you think you can. But if you think leaving now is hard, you'll be a mess later.
I know rules one and two will change after she is married but do rules three and four change after she is married???
she's aware now that something isn't right, maybe it's time to call it a day, maybe I always knew it wasn't a long term thing, or maybe I've just realied that it won't work. Maybe we've grown apart, or more to the point, maybe it's me getting involved with those that really aren't my type since I find it difficult to meet the type of girl I'm after. She hasn't spoken to me for 24 hours. Staying together won't achieve anything other that helping us both to feel comfortable with having little more that a companion when it's all wrong. We're not the same intellect, we get along, but really as friends, and it's me wanting more..... since the 'friends' thing never seems to work (tried in the past) maybe it's time to make a clean break and move on. I feel sorry for her, and wish that her situation was different, I wish that she was like other girls, wanted for her own place, her own independance, and her own lifelong partner.... I just don't think it will happen for her, and I'm sorry about that ...... you can't change people I suppose........ it's just that I always seem to leave enemies, it's always my fault ! .....anyway, thats that, finished moaning now, getting ready and going out clubbing, I'll see you guys later, and thanks for the great advice ! Paul.
It definately sounds like the fourth reich to me... holy crap. She might need to break the bond between her parents if she feels that her love for you overwhelms the tyranny of her parents, and if she wants to do that, then great. But if she is trapped with that, then... you either need to ask yourself if this is the right girl for you, or have a little chat with the parents.
Not the same intellect? That's a pretty significant problem. Wishing she was like other girls isn't love and I think you know this. If anything it's your pity that's a little disgusting, don't you think? I would have thought even as friends she would have deserved more than that. Rubbish that it is your fault. Whoever blamed anyone else? I think she deserves someone who can appreciate her without pulling on the pity horse. And maybe you (and her) will also grow a little more foresight from this experience.
