Rape or something like it

Not if they are rapists. REAL men don't keep "best freinds" who are sexual predators. It isnt about you or his buddy. It is about your BF doing the mature thing and breaking off a relationship with a total creep who assaults womyn. If he insists on keeping a relationship with someone who attempted to rape you, the hell with him. You are REALLY better off without him.

And PLEASE get some counseling. Rape ISN'T your fault. There is good reason to get counseling after something traumatic and NO reason for your parents to "freak out" about your getting counseling. I have kids your age and I would NEVER get in the way of their mental health!!!! You are old enough to date, you are old enough to get your own counseling when something you had NO CONROL OVER happened. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. But you do need to get professional help. PLEASE

WHY would your parents want you to suffer alone with this problem, when there are trained people who can really help you A LOT? If they care about you they will want you to get help. If they are too hung up to care, GET HELP ANYWAY!!!! It is up to YOU, not up to them. NO ONE at a rape crisis center can tell anyone you are there for help. If you go, no one will contact your parents, and it is actually against the law for counselors to do so.

 

yeah that unwritten law is called "Bros Before Hoes"

 

oh mamma, i'm so sorry about all of this. i understand your hesitation about asking dan to take sides in all this, and there are some unwritten rules like 'bros b4 hos', but they don't apply to your situation. if bob was a good friend to dan he would have never put you into that situation until after dan had broken up with you; even then, do you recall that rule about not dating your best mate's ex? when it comes down to it this fella sounds like a complete ass and shouldn't be counted in the worthwhile human category let alone that of best friend. yes dan is in a tough spot right now, it would be hard to chose which one of you to believe. but please realize that what happened between you and bob is beyone serious, and if he doesn't believe you then maybe he isn't worthwhile either. you deserve better than to be with a guy who doesn't care enough about you (or know you well enough) to believe/recognize the truth when he hears it. chances are bob has done shady business like this in the past and dan has ignored it. in the end you have to do what's best for you, you deserve to be happy and cherished in a relationship and dan may not be able to give that to you. whatever decisions you make, at least make sure you act for yourself and for your own wellbeing.
annie

 

Listen~YOu need to make yourself worth more then they are treating you. YOu need to know that what happened to you is NOT ok. And you need to make a point to not let him get away with it. I would not stay with a man/boy who didn't care about the assault of his girl. I bet you are not the only girl who has had this happen to her by this guy. You know what....it won't stop until someone makes it stop. You are worth more. It sounds like you are getting used to being flung around by these two guys ( mentaly) I think both of them are really immature and don't deserve you. Getting help for what happened does not mean you have to turn the person in and make a big thing out of it if that's not what you want to do....but getting help also help YOU get strong so you realize you can leave the abusers and move on as a stronger woman. If you let males walk on you now...you will be walked on again. Set your path and walk it.

 

Im in counseling now, just not for this problem (I have been suffering from severe depression for the past year and was even put in the hospital for two weeks for a suicide attempt) . We have talked about it, and I was told I could press charges, but I dont want to. Talking about it dosent help, it just brings back unwanted memories, and makes me sick.

 

So you are in counseling? Why did you feel your parents would freak out if you sought counseling? You may be underestimating them, but I could be wrong on this. I don't think I am, though.

Yes, therapy almost always makes you feel worse before you get better, that's how it works. BUT IT DOES WORK! Don't give up on it, and don't keep this from the counselor you have now. Your counselor can't tell your parents what you say in a session, so I don't see what the problem is. I am hearing a LOT of contradictions here. PLEASE talk to your counselor and work this out. You sound VERY confused and sad. You have to be honest with your counselor, and if the sessions are making you physically ill, then your couselor needs to take a different approach or talk to a psychatrist about medications to help out. Are you on meds, because it sounds like they might help.

One more thing, not all counselors are equal. When one of my kid was having some problems we went through one incopentent psychlogists (she was nice, but wasn't doing enough to help) and one really bad shrink. We had to look and look to find someone she meshed with well. This is what often needs to be done. She now has an excellent PsyD and I, unless it is a family session have NO idea what goes on between her and the psycholgist, I am not told unless my dd decides to tell me, and that is the way it has to be, but she is getting better.

Do you mind a bit of advice from a mommy type? I looked at your profile and you get high A LOT! When you are already depressed, it will usually only serve to make you feel worse and MORE confused in the long run. PLEASE talk to your couselor because you are really confused and things won't get better on their own. This had no bearing on the rape, but can contribute to continued depression.

I have kids your age and I care.

 

Artist, I got offline, started the dishwasher, began to clean my kitchen and my mind immediately went to you. I saw my 18 yrold dd, and thought, I have to let this child (you) know I was in NO WAY judging you or dissing you! My comment about the getting high was in regard to your depression NOT the rape. I didnt want you to think I was thinking you contributed to the attack in any way. I just know from experience that using a lot of weed when you are already depressed can often cause things to magnify and get even worse! I was NOT judging you or your situation.

Some affirmations for sexual assault victims.

• I did NOTHING to contribute to the assault.
• I am not to blame in any way for the assault.
• I am a good person, who found herself in a situation in which I had NO control of the person who assailed me.
• The assailant takes all and any blame for the attack
• He alone is responsible
• Being sexually assaulted does not make me any less of a person, any more than being hit bya car or being hit by lightening would
• I did not have control during the attack, but I do have control now
• I did NOTHING to cause the assault

Blessings and prayers,

Maggie

 

I dont think they care about you at all. They just need a fuck buddy and they're using you. It's not a

male-female best friend relationship
it's a male-male best friend relationship, where females are the common goal.

Otherwise ur BF's best friend would have never dared to do that.
Da fuck, I'd have beaten him till he's handicapped.

you be smart and fucking dump them off your back.

 

My parents would freak out on me because they never liked Bob in the first place. Also, they would freak on him, which I dont want him to do.

I have been through 3 therepists, this one is good. I just dont have much more to say to her about this situation. Everyone is telling me to dump Dan, but I love him. Yes, I am on meds though it isnt helping, I carved Dan's name into my arm yesterday. Im on effexor and before that I was on Wellbutrin.

Just out of curiousity, where in my profile does it indicate I get high alot? I dont take offense or anything, I'm not trying to sound like a jerk either I was just curious.

 

is my only option to dump Dan?

 

our one year anniversary is August 17, so there's gotta be something there right? or am i latching on to the smallest of hopes?

 

Your options are yoru own but you have many people telling you other healthy ways of dealing with your issues and a lot of the ideas we have for you are good advice in my opinion. Life is a lot different in a few years and things are not so glum. Dan is not the only man for you trust me. He's not looking out for YOUR best intrest. He's not looking out for you at all. You need to look out for you. Maybe you could get some new hobbies and meet some new friends that are a bit more positive...or just different. It's hard to change a lifestyle but it helps. You can't change the boys you hang with but you can change yourself. Don't let them manipulate you to the poin you are cutting yourself or otherwise. Don't let the person you love make you feel that way. A healthy relationship does not consist of friends letting their friends mount you or letting you sit and cry or you cutting yourself with his name. It is in your best intrest to get new friends and find healthier ways of dealing with your emotions.

I was a depressive teen. I know how bleek things can look sometimes and how crule boys and girls can be to each other. I know what it's like to have friends that were raped and didn't want to tell their parents. But you know what...your parents don't like him for a reason...obviously they are right...he ended up being a freak. They knew it before you did because they care. And you know waht they may just freak out a bit if you told them you know why? Because they care about their baby girl. You don't understand that now but that is how a parent feels when their child was violated. And rightfully so. You should cherish the fact that you have parents that care about your wellbeing. Therea re parents out there who don't give a shit about their kids. Thereare people out there who let these things happen and do these things to their kids. This time passes by so fast in your life and these guys will continue in the future to manipulate women. You have a fork in the road. You can be responsable and let people who care about you handle it a way you may not like but will protect you in the longrun and protect otehrs as well in the long run.You can take control of your life...start dealing with your emotions in healthy ways that maybe you can learn from healthier people..or you can just let it slide....keep on the same path...keep getting walked on..keep being sad ( sadness is such a wste of beautiful life) and keep being depressed and humbled by men.

Sounds like you need a lot of real love. Not fake love. Real real love. Look beyond the year ahead and find out where you belong. Where you see yourself. Being human is a chance most beings don't get. Cherish your time here on this place..your a goddess and a woman who is smart and you know your better then what you give yourself credit for and you know it. No more suicide attemts...no more questioni ng your importance, no more falling in puppy love with jerks and pushing away your parents knowing what may be best for you. If you are going to give in to anything let it be the the love that the people who care about you have. Don't let it be some disfunctional boys.

 

Leave him girl. He is bringing you down and you dont even know it. He probably was cheating on you with Kristen. Think about it. He wants to remain neutral. Maybe because he is a loser and a cheater!

 

I know you already know all of this, but . . .


It seems to me that you are looking for a way out of your situation, for a wiser, less-destructive solution to this problem. There is hope in this. Hold onto it. If you leave this path, you risk getting stuck in a hopeless, loveless state of being which offers very little freedom, inspiration, fulfillment or happiness. Please don't let that happen. Please don't allow yourself to be confined by this problem for the rest of your life.

The way out of your situation is neither mindless nor heartless.

The path of the mind is wisdom. Wisdom is the mind's intelligence guided by love. Wisdom is the mind's gift to the heart

The path of the heart is love. Love satisfies our innermost desire, but desire is often ignorant of love. Love and desire are ancient companions, but they are not the same thing at all, and it is sometimes difficult to see where one begins and the other ends. The difference between the two is where a lot of suffering comes from.

Love is more than giving someone whatever they want. The essential qualities of the beloved is the stuff that love recognizes, appreciates, fulfills and sustains. Love is the health of every relationship. Every healthy relationship is an expression of love, whether it is sexual, familial, spiritual, etc.

So, on and on I babble. But what, if anything, does all of this have to do with your situation?

Well, it seems that you are troubled by the loss of love, or at least the threat that you will suffer the loss of love. If your relationship with Dan has become unhealthy, consider the idea that love "wants" it to become something other than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It may not be your desire but your love will probably grow stronger and healthier.

It seems to me that the important thing here is that you always let both your heart and your mind guide you. If either one is telling you no then there is something there to which you should pay attention.

I hope you find clarity. Please, let me know if this helps.

 

How close is you relationship to your parents. You at 17 might be a little strained. But i'm sure they love you more then you can possibly know. You might want to take your mom aside and tell her you have something really important to tell her and are afraid. She might freak out intially but once that is over you will get her support. In this time of crisis i believe your parents can be a great help. They love you more then anyone else can. What happened to you has to be addressed. This is something you should not have to live with. Your value is great and i hope you realize this. When i see the word suicide in your post the scares me and and i feel the tears in my eyes. You are 17 you have so much to offer to the world, you have your whole life ahead you and i'm sure you are capable of doing great things. You may not see this now but it is true. I believe you should end any ties with both these boys, i call them boys because they act like boys. Get in contact with the rape crisis centre. Do not be afraid. Maybe discuss this with your family doctor any adult that you feel comfortable with. I'll say this again your value is more great then you can comprehend. And you deserve much better.

 

sorry....but your boyfriend sounds like a heel

if you tell him this guy forced his self on you and almost raped you AND said that he was cheating on you and he doesn't freak out on this bob guy, then he is a jerk and you need to stay broken up with him and get far, far away from both of those guys!!

he should not have any question in his mind if you are telling him the truth or not, you are his girl and in an intimate relationship, why the hell would you say that if it wasn't because it happened! for him to mistrust you in something this serious says something about his character!

i could never be even friends with someone who didn't at the very least believe me (they should also support and defend and protect you) in any situation much less something as upsetting and bad as this. this bob guy might not have raped you but he sounds scary psycho, as he works to manipulate your life to force you to be with him. so when you have to tell him you don't want him (when you are finished with your current bf), he may not take no for an answer that time or stalk you or something. i would just be very careful!

the best of luck to you!

 

he believes me, he wont do anything about it

 

Its time for you to be independent and leave these people behind. You or so much better then these losers.

 

Lake, honey, if you are self mutilating, then you are in serious need of MORE therapy and probably more meds.

You asked about the weed. Your posts are listed in your profile, you make a lot of posts in the weed forum, as well as lots of posts about getting high. (You can go to someone's profile and see every post they have made.) Now I have no problem with healthy people, well adjusted people getting high, if they are OK. But you are severely depressed, you have been sexually assaulted, you are on meds, you are self mutilating, and weed is not the best choice at this time to help your mental health. Just my educated opinion. It can actually undo the good that your antidepressants can do! I KNOW it hurts right now, and it may seem the weed "helps" but beleive me, in this much depression, it is only hurting you more.

I am NOT dissing you at all. Just seeing a pattern of behavior which is contributing to your illness. Meds and therapy will help, but you have to give them a chance, and not engage in things which derail them. THIS IS YOUR MENTAL HEALTH! Give it your best shot. And at this point, getting high a lot is NOT helping you, obviously. If is was, you'd be OK. And you're not.

Please talk to your couselor about what is going on. Does she know about the self mutilation? Does she know about the weed? PLEASE. She is there to help, but she isn't a mind reader. You have to WORK to get better, counseling doesn't work if you are working against it.

I also can't see how this relationship is doing anything to help your psychological situation. You need to surround yourself with people who are helpful and caring. You need to remove TOXIC people from your life. They only contribute to your illness and postpone your healing.If your BF doesn't care that you have been sexually assaulted, he won't care about anything you are going through in the future either. He isn't going to change into Prince Charming one day. I was dating my now husband when I was your age. He would have seriously injured anyone who hurt me. He once pulled a guy out of a car and started to beat him, because the dude insulted me. The guy didn't rape me, he just said I was a slut (I wasn't), and Bear was ready to beat him. It took like 5 guys to pull Bear off of him. That dude was never Bear's freind again. (They were buddies before.) I am not a big fan of violence,(Bear was 18 at the time, he has mellowed a bit.) but this is the level of commitment healthy relationships have. If your BF still wants to remain freinds with a sexual predator, it does not bode well for his future with ANY girl.

PLEASE talk to your counselor some more.

 

Yes, my conselor knows about the weed though she dosnt know i about the recent self mutilation (she knows about the past).
I know you are not dissing me I dont take anything personal. I forgot you could see my posts in my profile haha.
And I dont know I just FEEL loved by him in a weird way. Liek we can talk abot anything and when he found out about my self mutilation, I looked at him and I saw tears in his eyes. He says all the right things and we can sit there in complete silence and feel completley comfortable. He gave me his guitar too. I dont want to let him go. He did get pissed at Bob and yelled at him but Bob didnt care, so they still remian friends.