What should I do? Advice needed

Hi everybody,

I'm 21 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 2.7 years. We love each other very much and he's my first boyfriend. Thing is, we've done pretty much everything except the deed. He's only been with one other person and I haven't been with anyone. He doesn't pressure me into anything so I'm really lucky that he's so patient and understanding.

I just feel that I don't want to regret my first time and I want it to be really romantic. Not just happening spur of the moment and at his house or mine but in a nice hotel or something.

The thing is, a while ago, I asked him if he could picture himself with anyone else (besides me). And he said he didn't know. Initially I was pretty upset because it makes me wonder how we could have been together for this long and how could he still not know. I asked him this because he is the only person I want to be with. I can't picture myself with anyone else.

Then he told me, he hasn't really thought that far ahead about marriage and that I should ask him in about 2 years when he's given it some real proper thought. I agreed and I'm fine with that. We're both still studying and not anywhere close to graduating so there's nothing wrong with that.

One of my friends told me that she finally did it with her boyfriend and I told my boy. I think he got annoyed at me because he said he didn't feel proud the way I did about the fact that we haven't slept together. It doesn't really help that his friends constantly ask him if we have done the deed or not.

Today I said to him that "I want to know that there is a future for us and that we're not just having sex to save our relationship. Coz if we break up, I'm gonna feel fkd up and then you'll probably be like 'At least I scored'." (He's not that kind of person - I guess I chose bad words when I said that). To which he replied "So does this mean we shouldn't be together anymore?" (coz he doesn't know if he wants to marry me yet) and then he left my house coz he had class.

I don't know what to do. Am I being crazy and too demanding in expecting him to know if he sees a future for us before I am willing to sleep with him? I don't think I would regret him being my first, because I really do love him but I want to know that there is a possibility that we could get married later.

I think another thing that bothers me is last year we almost broke up and he said he didn't want to be with me anymore. We worked everything out but those words have really screwed me up. I never thought that he would say something like that to hurt me but I guess he was really angry at me at the time. He apologised for it later and said he only said it because he was mad, but it still plays in my head whenever we have a fight and I think we're going to break up.

So the only two things holding me back from doing the deed is: I don't know if he wants to get married with me in the future and he said he didn't want to be with me anymore (when we almost broke up). Am I being ridiculous? I just feel that if we broke up I don't think I could get over this or him.

 

in my opinion, yeah, that's two demanding

over two and a half years, and no sex? And you're both in your twenties, or close to it at least? i couldn't do it. i couldn't start a relationship like that, within a few months if I knew the person wouldn't be willing to share themselves with me until marriage I would be outta there.

Then again, I'm not a big believer in marriage and I'm a rather sexual person.

To me, it sounds like you're looking for excuses not too. That you're really just afraid of being hurt. Which is normal, everyone is afraid of being hurt, in any relationship whether or not sex is involved. I think you need to re-examine why you're abstaining from sex, and see if it's really because you want to wait until you're married, or if you're just scared. We're all scared our first time, no matter how much we may anticipate/want it

 

First of all, it seems you have a very overly romanticised view of sexual union. Sex can be a romantic act no matter if it's with "Mr. Right" or just your current boyfriend. And there is never a guarantee that a relationship will last, and then, if you've done it, no matter which person you chose your first time with, when it ends you might end up feeling that regret.

And yes, I think you are being a bit demanding. Yes, you should have nothing but fond memories of your first time. And expecting anything less is wrong. But waiting for prefect is just as useless. Perfect never happens. But romantic and loving can happen in your house, his house, a garden, a hotel (which isn't too romantic). It's more about your and his perceptions of the act and how you deal with the foreplay and after-glow of the situation.

*hugs*

search your heart and see where you stand.

 

to me it does sound a little too demanding. considering the fact that you have been together for 2.5 years I would say he isn't in a relationship just to "score". guys who just want sex will not wait over two years for a girl to give them sex. If your boyfriend is your age sticks around for that long with out sex I would consider that very good evidence that he loves you beyond sex. that's just my thought. I'm in my 20's and I'm not sure if I could last 2 and 1/2 years to have sex thats quite a long time for adults to wait. if you decide to have sex remember that he has been with you for a really long time so he must feel a great deal for you even if he hasn't said he wants to get married for sure. marriage is a big decision. I made my now husband wait four years to get married (only a month for sex hehe we grew up together though) remember that marriage and love (although marriage should not exist with out love/love in turn can exist without marriage)are not the same thing and neither is sex. I made my husband wait for marriage four years with sex of course and we've been together nine years now married for six. hope that helps.

 

i respect the fact that you are waiting until marrage. that definitly takes a lot of self control and he HAS been with your for 2 1/2 years, so i really doubt thats what hes with you for. youve got a good guy there- not many guys (or girls) would hold values like that. i think hes just feeling stressed about life in general, as you can imagine being that age, with school, wanting to make you happy, and trying to figure out how in the world hes going to succeed and make a life for himself after school. decide whats important to you and then that will tell you if your relationship with him should continue to grow, or if its time you find someone else. good luck with everything!

 

I myself have been in a 2 and a half year-long relationship once where both my then-partner and I came out of it still being virgins. I can totally relate to your boyfriend because I am very patient when it comes to sex as well. When my ex-girlfriend was "semi-"ready to have sex with me, I was no longer ready, for the very reason you have mentioned. At the time, I was beginning to have doubts in our relationship, and I just didn't think having sex with her then would be fair to her. Of course, it wouldn't have been fair to me, either. I'm still a virgin at 30, but am I bitter about it? On the contrary! I'm glad things worked out the way they did. Although, my situation was a bit more complicated and slightly different from yours, so I choose not to get into too many details.

Now... I love my current girlfriend very much. In a number of ways, she is a dream come true for me. Having said that, if the question of whether I would be able to "picture" myself with someone else or not was presented before me, I would say the same thing your boyfriend had said. The reason for this is pretty straight forward: there is ALWAYS the possibility that she is not the ONLY "right" girl for me, but one of them. If I said I could NEVER picture being with someone else, I'd be lying. If I ever met another girl who possessed the same qualities as my girlfriend did, and possibly more, then it would be impossible not to think about all that. HOWEVER, chances of my meeting someone else with such special qualities would be VERY slim. As the result, I just think "Man, I'm such a lucky SOB!" rather than "Weellll, I don't really know because there may always be someone more suitable for me, and I should probably keep my options open".

I understand you are frustrated, and I also know you don't mean any harm by it. But, like others have said, you might want to take a deep breath and relax a little. Also, as mentioned by sunshine_and_pearls, you wouldn't be with him now if his main focus in this relationship was sex....well, because he would have already left you a long time ago, if that were the case. I say this also because I've been in his position myself. Another thing is that I also tend to think ihmurria has a great point regarding your reluctance toward losing your virginity. I personally don't think you're quite ready for it, if you ask me. As ihmurria has said, you should really try to understand what it is that is keeping YOURSELF from experiencing that "first time", before expecting more devotion/commitment from your partner. I say this especially because he seems to be pretty committed to this relationship. Oh, and make sure you guys maintain thorough, and I repeat, THOROUGH communication. It is the single most important aspect in any relationship.

Best of luck to both of you.

 

I think that if you say u really love your boyfreind then he should not only wait for you to be ready which seems apparent that he has done, but if you really love him you shold be ready to make that commitment. i have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and i am a little younger, but when we made love for the first time i was so incrediably happy and its just a feeling that is overwhelming. we didnt wait that long to do it, but it really helped our relatonship. It is all really personal intake, if you love him i think you should ow him that you do becasue obviosly he has proven to you that he isnt in this just for sex or anything! it is a bit demanding that you want to knwo about his future escpecially if he and yoursefl is still undecided, but sex is an amaxing thing whether its with your boyfirend now, or with some "Mr. Right" ten years from now. I hope everything works out for you. i definfitly understand not wanting to gove somehting liek that up to just anybody and it is a big deal...BUT IF YOU LOVE HIM YOU WONT REGRET IT! I PROMISE!
Best of Luck!

 

If you're questioning it...don't do it.

Because you have to be sure you are in the right mind set to have sex for the first time.

I say, you have a helluva boyfriend to wait that long for sex...I don't know many guys in that age group that would. I think you're giving him a bit of a hard time about it. If he is 21, he may not be ready for marriage...and if you two have been together since you were 18 or so, there is still A LOT of room to grow and change and experience things. He was being honest when he says he didn't know if he could see himself with anyone else...appreciate that. You guys are a bit young to be thinking about marriage...but that's just my opinion.

You're young...have fun and don't take things so seriously!

 

Maybe its demanding, but maybe you are asking all these questions of him because you feel something is wrong in your gutt. Its not about the sex act, its about how you feel about the sex act, and everything else that comes along with it, like how secure the relationship is. Pay attention to your heart and gutt.

 

Well, I didn't mean it like there were MANY right girls for me... That was more theoretical than anything. In reality, it would be VERY hard to even find A right girl in the first place. Of course I'm VERY grateful that I've found that girl already. It's not like I'm taking this relationship lightly or anything, because I AM rather serious about it. It's just that I was trying to say it wouldn't really be bad for him to THINK about other girls if he wasn't actually PURSUING something heavy-duty with them... You wouldn't pursue it because... Well, because you love your partner, and you believe in that love.

 

This goes for your relationship also.........


Deal with the idiots in your family. The fact that you shared a birth canal with someone doesn't give that person any claim on your life. Don't ever let a sibling, a parent, or a cousin for that matter, make unnecessary emotional demands on you. It's extortion. They know you have to love them. So they take license to abuse you, never having to worry about losing you. Change the equation immediately.

Get it? Change the equation immediately. At the moment he doesn't know you have to love him. The extortion is that you have sex or you don't want to stay with him. It doesn't have to be said out loud. That is just the way it is and make up your mind about sex before or after marriage.

Good Luck
Honor Seed

 

first off if you are saving that first time for a romantic special occasion with all the trimmings ,you can quit fantisizing because the first time is for a lot of girls not the most pleasant act ...on the other hand if he hasn't pressured you for sex in 2 1/2 years it can be real love or could be like happened to a friend of mine ..........in the 2 1/2 years she was with her guy he never pressured her or tried anything ..he was always bragging that he was the perfect gentleman but she decided she wanted to take it a step further ...............turns out he was a perfect gentleman all right ..but he was also gay ....she had never suspected it

 

LOL ouch!

 

My dad once told me "a good relationship is like cake, and sex is like frosting. Good cake is still pretty good by itself and filling. But, if all you ever eat is the frosting, you'll usually get to feeling sick before you feel full."

 

That is a really good analogy! I like that!

 

Sounds like you are too sensitive and dependent. You should stop living in "will he leave me" land and either have sex or don't. Either way, if he's going to leave... he's going to leave. Sex or not.

If you have sex and he leaves, you're gonna be hurt. If he leaves because you don't, you're gonna be hurt. Just do what ever you think is best for you in the long run and he'll take care of himself--one way or the other.

 

stop overthinking things. Love and sex are more about feelings than logical thought. Spontaneous sex on a bathroom floor can be just as good, if not better, than sex that's all planned out and organized with the perfect surroundings and events leading up to it. Let it happen when it's going to happen anyway, it will be much better that way than if you have really high expectations of some sort of perfect spiritual union of body and soul with your lover. Marriage may or may not be in your future with this guy, just be glad he's not promising you something he is not sure about. Do you really love this guy? Do you want to share your entire life, and your body with him? Simple yes or no questions that will tell you what you already know you should do. If you continue to pressure him about marriage, and he's not ready for that, he will leave you, sex or no sex. Show him the respect you expect from him in return. Respect the fact that he's not sure about what the future has in store, that he's not sure where he wants the relationship to go. When he figures it out, he'll let you know. What do *you* want from this relationship? Marriage? are you sure about that? Security? Are you hoping he's your Prince Charming, gonna save you from the big bad world and you'll both live happily ever after? Listen to what your heart is telling you. The answers are already there inside you, waiting for you to find them yourself. None of us know what you should do, but plenty of us know what not to do! Nobody can make you happy. It's up to you to be happy. It's not up to anyone but you.

 

Mmhmm, there are more people like myself than meets the eye in that regard, actually.

 

straight up insanejester, you look like a pretty sharp guy if that pic is really you.
When you have sex with a girl, you hook into her consciousness telepathically. If you have a lot of emotional trash in your mind, you can dump that into a mind at that point. I'm sure you realize that having had sex with girls, they do the same thing to guys. Personally I prefer my own emotional trash to someone elses. To have sex is really a personal preference. You probably hang with friends who at least say they have sex. You don't make friends to people otherwise probably. I don't really think you are aware of the telepathic connection at the time of orgasm yet, you may be someday, who knows? NO way I want the emotional garbage left by you in a girl after she dumped on me at her orgasm. But then how would I ever know, so don't worry. 2 minutes for the average guy to reach orgasm, 10 minutes for a girl. She doesn't reach orgasm thanks to you, she has got to take your garbage, you dumped yours on her, but she didn't get a chance to release her garbage. Bad ju-ju dood.

HS

 

I guess I realized upon reaching 20 years old that there were more important things in life than being hell-bent on trying to get laid...? *shrug*

For me, those things include following my own beliefs, understanding my own inner self, emotionally connecting with my friends at a deep level, and deeply connecting with a special girl on many levels, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and so on so forth.